The worse lie you were told? Your response to it?

[Tolou]

After 7 months without any contact, my choice: Was losing my mind after her 3  failed attemtps of suicide which were apparently because "I didnt lover her, if I did I would stay with someone who wasn't doing a thing for me"

she returns to work: We talk:

Me: How are you, how is your cancer? did the chemo work?

Her: I was desperate, I lied. (What the heckFFFFF... .Really?)

I guess thats the closest thing of an apology I will get ! My response, I shook my head in disbelief, I haven't said a word to her in over a year, went complete N.C. that was it for me, I felt I can't trust you, I have to walk away.

[Infared]

Mine was cheating on me and ran of with the guy a week before Christmas. (We lived 2gether for 5 years.) I was totally shell-shocked. Devastated. She absolutely denied that there was anyone else. ( I KNEW in my head that there was no way she had the strength to be out on her own, no way, but I had no proof). Of course, a month later she is living with, (but also lying about that detail), someone she knew for 2 years. "We are dating, and I met him after I left you." It was the single most painful time in my life.

She also invited me to a therapy session with her therapist (huge mistake on my part to go there, it was just a beat down session on me by the two of them based on all the lies she had told the therapist)... .she sat there and said in front of her own therapist, that she had not cheated on me with this guy.

I have to give a little back information. Two months before she left me, I went away for the weekend to VT with friends, she elected not to go. I was disappointed, but though she needed some personal time & space and respected that in an loving, trusting, adult fashion.

On a rare occasion, a year after she ran off I was talking to her on the phone, after she had done a multiple drive-by at my new residence. In the conversation, I again stress that she had obviously been cheating on me. She responded nonchalantly "well, THAT wasn't going on when you were in Vermont... .".  I had not ever mentioned Vermont since I had been there, so OBVIOUSLY it was the reason she did not go to Vermont with me.

That was the ONLY "admission" I ever got. No direct admission. NEVER an apology or anything. So selfish and sick.

I was just silent. So, so sad inside. Talked it over with my Therapist, and then left her a voice message, very calmly and directly telling her that she was not the person that I thought she was, wished her a nice life and to stay out of mine. I went full-on absolute NC from that point forward.  She has made attempts to engage me... .but I will not have any contact ever again. I just can't interact with someone who treats people that way. It took a lot of strength with tons of support for me to get to that point. It's been years and it still is painful.

[Tolou]

Infared:

Sounds very painful to have someone do those things to you but then not even admit to it, and own it, completly distasteful and hurtful behavior, but there just is no apology, because they find ways to just the most horrible things that they do and say to make it okay in their mind... .

Sorry you had to go threw that!

[Infared]

Infared:

Sounds very painful to have someone do those things to you but then not even admit to it, and own it, completly distasteful and hurtful behavior, but there just is no apology, because they find ways to justify the most horrible things that they do and say to make it okay in their mind... .

Sorry you had to go threw that!

"because they find ways to justify the most horrible things that they do and say to make it okay in their mind... ."    

I know she is a total sociopath and just has lied to herself so that she is ok with her, with never a thought about how her words and actions effected me.  As long as she gets what's she wants when she wants it, lying to everyone in her life is ALWAYS an option on the table.

How sick is that for you?

Yours lied about having cancer to YOU. Her closest person... .how sickening and sad is that?

I feel for you, too.

[MommaBear]

"We're just friends. I swear."

"I'll go into therapy, I promise."

"I love you."

"I would do anything for your and our child."

"My friends don't like you."

"I promise to take care of it today."

"Yes, I paid the property taxes."

"It's already paid. Don't worry about it."

"This weekend is all about you, sweetie. No more selfishness!"

"I really WANT to change!"

"It's time I grew up and started acting like a man."

"Yes, our child ____________________" (fill in the blank with anything and everything. To this day I have no idea what happens when he has custody).

"I never brought other women into your bed."

"I don't have gas money."

"I'm so broke! You'll have to cover the mortgage / bills / food / etc. ... ."

"My mother isn't so bad with kids." (She beat him and his sister senseless).

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, I cooked it exactly the way you asked me to. Why, are you having an allergic reaction? How odd?"

"I've never been happier."

I could go on all day.

[FindingWings]

I like the list 'Momma bear' has compiled. And I could add about 20 items to the list and not even break a sweat. But, I won't. I am absolutely exhausted with all this... .by all this stuff. I have reached the limits of my endurance. The fact that I've stuck around to listen to the lies, made excuses for the manipulation and engaged in my own delusions regarding a nowhere r/s says things about me that I need to take a hard look at.



''I can walk outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head into the cement for as long as I wish. And when I stop? It feels pretty good.''

[Pingo]

I can't say whether it was a lie or not but people have their suspicions and I don't know what to think... .My uBPDexh has an acquired brain injury from 10 years ago (toxic gas) and almost died.  He has retrograde amnesia from this and has no memory of about 20 years prior to the brain injury but can remember his childhood.  My best friend has revealed to me since our break up that she thinks he's faking his amnesia!  His daughter in law also doubts his amnesia!  I spent 4 years with him and have a hard time wrapping my head around the possibility he was lying about that the whole time since it has affected so many aspects of his life including the r/s with his children.  It would make him so much more ill than I could ever imagine.  But I guess the only one who knows if he has lied about his is him.

[LifeExperience]

Maybe not the worst, but the latest most blatant one was told a week ago from my ex-uBPD. We had plans to meet in one month for lunch at her request which I agreed to... .then she asked to change it to two weeks - I then set a firm boundary of a month. Few days later I get a text at midnight Saturday saying she had closed on her house and was planning on moving to another state in 2 weeks time. She expressed that she wanted to tell me face to face, but it was going to be too late by the time we had plans to meet up. Knowing this was most likely a lie, I looked up listings on her address -- nothing recent came up... .I ignored her texts that night only to wake up the next morning to texts of, "disregard the texts last night, I was drinking wine and acting crazy. I am not emotionally ready to see you, etc... ." Then get a call from her where she admits to trying to manipulate me into seeing her sooner.  Fast forward another two days and she asks if we can have lunch in one months time. haha   she's gotta keep me on my toes even when we're not together I guess

The cruel side wishes I responded to her and asked her more questions about her move and my feelings towards it... .cause I know for a fact she would've spun a humungous web.

[Vinnie]

Mine was cheating on me and ran of with the guy a week before Christmas.

Infrared, mine also ran off a week before Christmas, 2012. And she has continued to lie about it since -- not denying she went out of state with the guy for 12 days, but insisting it was only a platonic friendship!

Here are the text bombs the day after our divorce was finalized in mediation last month:

Her: "By the way, I forgot to say congratulations to you yesterday "

Me: Don't start in.  It was horrible and still is.



Her: "I'm not starting. You know I tried several times to reach out to you. At least in my heart I know I tried to salvage us. I am grieving immensely."

Me: Yes and I always asked that we meet with a third party of your choosing, and that was too much for you I guess. Apparently it meant little to you, you were doing it just for show.

Her: "You never put in any true effort."

Raw from the day before, I broke down pretty badly and just bawled on my bed reading what she wrote.

In reality, I could have forgiven her, but she insisted every time I brought it up that this guy is "just a friend" (even though he still stays over at her house often, according my s10).

[centralflarduh]

That she was stealing money from her mother when she was actually just sleeping with other guys for it. She also told me she had cancer for a long time, eventually saying the doctor had a mistake. One time she faked an overdose on heroin. Another time she told me her brother died in an accident.

I really didn't respond to these things. In fact I covered up for her and enabled this behavior.

[Emelie Emelie]

"I love you more than any woman I have ever known.  I am so sorry I hurt you and I swear to you I will never do it again.  I am determined to do anything it takes to make our relationship work."

[myself]

"I am the most honest, kind, and loyal person you'll ever know."

I believed it until her actions painfully proved differently.

I responded by being myself, which lead to letting go.

[Infared]

Mine was cheating on me and ran of with the guy a week before Christmas.

Infrared, mine also ran off a week before Christmas, 2012. And she has continued to lie about it since -- not denying she went out of state with the guy for 12 days, but insisting it was only a platonic friendship!

Here are the text bombs the day after our divorce was finalized in mediation last month:

Her: "By the way, I forgot to say congratulations to you yesterday "

Me: Don't start in.  It was horrible and still is.



Her: "I'm not starting. You know I tried several times to reach out to you. At least in my heart I know I tried to salvage us. I am grieving immensely."

Me: Yes and I always asked that we meet with a third party of your choosing, and that was too much for you I guess. Apparently it meant little to you, you were doing it just for show.

Her: "You never put in any true effort."

Raw from the day before, I broke down pretty badly and just bawled on my bed reading what she wrote.

In reality, I could have forgiven her, but she insisted every time I brought it up that this guy is "just a friend" (even though he still stays over at her house often, according my s10).

They're so cunning, yet soo sick. I try to have empathy, but they are just such soulless creatures.  I work at forgiving myself for giving my love, trust and concern to someone so self-consumed and evil... .being a descent guy, I just don't see how in God's name that they live with themselves. I really don't?  They "get off" on lying to, and hurting people that care about them?  How does one get over that, exactly?

[enlighten me]

My ex wife told me she was diagnosed with ME and depression. She had me running around for 3 years doing everything for our 2 sons whilst carrying out a full time job. I would drop the kids off in the morning, go to work, pop back at lunch to make her a meal, back to work, pick the kids up, do the housework, cook dinner, sort the kids out for bed and then catch up on more work.

When she met her new husband she wanted to move away and I tried to stop this as she would not have any of the friends and family for support if she deteriorated again. When I got her medical records there was nothing on there. She had been getting anti depressants from a friend with MS and had made up everything.

[centralflarduh]

That's nuts, enlighten me.

I just thought of another. One time she told me she never wanted to see me again. That's fine, I told her, as I was going to be taking a job 2,500 miles away. We both lied, but I haven't seen a meltdown like that in a long time. 

[Pingo]

My ex wife told me she was diagnosed with ME and depression. She had me running around for 3 years doing everything for our 2 sons whilst carrying out a full time job. I would drop the kids off in the morning, go to work, pop back at lunch to make her a meal, back to work, pick the kids up, do the housework, cook dinner, sort the kids out for bed and then catch up on more work.

When she met her new husband she wanted to move away and I tried to stop this as she would not have any of the friends and family for support if she deteriorated again. When I got her medical records there was nothing on there. She had been getting anti depressants from a friend with MS and had made up everything.

Wow when I hear about stories like this (and there seem to be a lot on here) about pwBPD faking serious illness it makes me realise that it is possible that my uBPDexh could be lying about his amnesia.  It seemed impossible to believe he'd be capable of that but that was before I accepted that he is indeed mentally ill.  Why do you think they make up the outrageous stories?  To remain the 'victim'?  Attention?  I wish I knew.

[enlighten me]

Wow when I hear about stories like this (and there seem to be a lot on here) about pwBPD faking serious illness it makes me realise that it is possible that my uBPDexh could be lying about his amnesia.  It seemed impossible to believe he'd be capable of that but that was before I accepted that he is indeed mentally ill.  Why do you think they make up the outrageous stories?  To remain the 'victim'?  Attention?  I wish I knew.

I think that with my ex wife it was for a number of reasons. I believe that she had cheated on me and that this was a way of diverting attention from what she had done. I didn't suspect it at the time and this illness made sure I didn't stumble across anything. I also believe that she used it as a means to explain any strange behaviour on her part. Finally it was a way of me proving my love and not abandoning her.

[Rise]

 They "get off" on lying to, and hurting people that care about them?  How does one get over that, exactly?

I don't think they "get off" on lying. They do it to survive. They do it because they are terrified. They are trying to fight off a perceived emptiness inside that threatens to consume everything they are. They aren't doing it because they enjoy it. I'm not trying to make excuses. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason why. What they've done to us isn't okay, and it's not acceptable. But it gets easier to get over when you realize that what happened wasn't the master-crafted plotting of an evil genius, but rather the impulsive actions of a pitiable individual that is forever trapped within their own personal hell.

[elessar]

I don't think they "get off" on lying. They do it to survive. They do it because they are terrified. They are trying to fight off a perceived emptiness inside that threatens to consume everything they are. They aren't doing it because they enjoy it. I'm not trying to make excuses. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason why. What they've done to us isn't okay, and it's not acceptable. But it gets easier to get over when you realize that what happened wasn't the master-crafted plotting of an evil genius, but rather the impulsive actions of a pitiable individual that is forever trapped within their own personal hell.

Best I have read in a couple of days. They are human beings in a lot of pain. Nothing excuses what they have done. Nothing excuses their refusal to go for treatment. As much as I feel treated like a disposable object, I know she never meant to hurt me. They get so caught up in their pain they do not realize how the other person must be feeling. Its like a child getting caught up in a fantasy. When I used to want a toy, I never knew what my dad earned or if he could buy it. If I didn't get my toy, he was the villain. If I got my toy, he was my hero. Similarly, they are just children emotionally.

[mywifecrazy]

 Wow     Where to Begin?

To me 20 years ago: "My Boyfriend beat me and forced himself on me sexually (Rape!)

To my neighbor about me 2012/13: "My husband is beating me and forcing himself on me sexually (Rape!)

To me 20 years ago: "I would never ever cheat on you" (20 years later I find out she had multiple affairs throughout our marriage"

Here are some more:

My father abused me

My brother abused me

My husband manipulated me into having a second child (told this to my older son )

I'm going out with my friend Tammy (Fictitious person to cover up affair)

To a cop she got pulled over by for traffic violation: "If my husband finds out I got a ticket he will beat me" she ended up having affair with cop.

I have a migraine and I'm throwing up so I can't go to family picnic. Turns out she put her finger down her throat in bathroom so I would think she's sick. She was with neighbor while I took kids to picnic. This happened several times. I have her cell records to prove it. Turns out she did this often.

MWC... .

[Turkish]

After I found out that she and my replacement were having some kind of physical relationship outside of our home, I had to live with her for four more months before she could leave comfortably (without much legal drama, that is). She had a cold sore on her lip, and I joked that it was a cold sore, herpes from kissing. She rolled her eyes and said, "I knew you'd say that! But it's a pimple. Besides, that happened [the kissing, making out]months ago." She was implying that her impropriety happened back then, and that they were just "friends" in the meantime until she could leave.

This was over a month after I was "mistakenly" sent a text meant for him where she addressed him as "Love" (something she never called me in six years, strangely). And of course I found a lot of the sappy things she had been writing to him on the computer.

I just found it amazing that she believed that I would believe such blatant falsehoods.

My response? As much LC as I could do while still living with the woman, only engaging in business, mostly related to the kids. It was the worst four months of emotional hell I've ever endured. She would skype and talk to him right in the next room after we (mostly I) put the kids to bed. Text him right in front of me. Once she was reading an article from a woman's mag on what to do and not to do in relationships. I was making dinner at the time, and setting the table. I don't know if she was dissociating or what.

[mywifecrazy]

 They "get off" on lying to, and hurting people that care about them?  How does one get over that, exactly?

I don't think they "get off" on lying. They do it to survive. They do it because they are terrified. They are trying to fight off a perceived emptiness inside that threatens to consume everything they are. They aren't doing it because they enjoy it. I'm not trying to make excuses. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason why. What they've done to us isn't okay, and it's not acceptable. But it gets easier to get over when you realize that what happened wasn't the master-crafted plotting of an evil genius, but rather the impulsive actions of a pitiable individual that is forever trapped within their own personal hell.

I'm sorry but I don't buy that completely. I hear what your saying and I understand the internal emptiness they are dealing with. I'm only speaking from experience with my uBPDxw. I was both the white night rescuer and years later the painted black villain.

I do remember her being very manipulative and vindictive when I was the white night. She had me hook line and sinker at a certain point but she did seem to GET OFF when she was painting her ex boyfriend and family members black. She would ridicule them and call them names like LOSER. She would call her sister all kinds of names too and was always quick to ridicule her. I know it's part of her sickness but still I think part of the sickness could also be ENJOYING what she was doing. It was scary when I was coming out of the FOG (Finally?) and I could see her trying to manipulate me. She knew what she was doing and she was... .IS good at it.

Don't get me wrong I know she's sick and I do feel sorry for her as that's got to be a horrible existence. I just wonder if its not realistic to say they weren't self aware of their actions and were strictly working on impulse? I don't know just my thoughts based on my experience and what I witnessed. You are right though. It wasn't able to start the healing process until I depersonalized her actions and I accepted her actions as coming from a sick person.

MWC... .

[Infared]

They "get off" on lying to, and hurting people that care about them?  How does one get over that, exactly?

I don't think they "get off" on lying. They do it to survive. They do it because they are terrified. They are trying to fight off a perceived emptiness inside that threatens to consume everything they are. They aren't doing it because they enjoy it. I'm not trying to make excuses. There's a difference between an excuse and a reason why. What they've done to us isn't okay, and it's not acceptable. But it gets easier to get over when you realize that what happened wasn't the master-crafted plotting of an evil genius, but rather the impulsive actions of a pitiable individual that is forever trapped within their own personal hell.

Rise... .ok... .I can accept that... but maybe I kind of mixed it up with this. Mine ran off at Christmas with another guy... .saying there was no one. She broke my heart into little pieces and she was VERY aware of it.  A month later she is with the guy who she had met 2 years earlier. I am not going to get into all of the particulars... .but in public, I would run into them... and they would act out (like play "From Here to Eternity" in front of me). It was immature, hurtful, psychotic behavior.  Now... .I am a sensitive and very aware individual.  The two of them were clearly GETTING OFF on hurting me emotionally. It was a pre-discussed, planned reaction to siting me.  I kid you not. REPEATEDLY they did this. I could tell you 10 stories.  This is two people in their 40's.   If you had told me that my expwBPD was capable of this kind of behavior during the entire time that I lived with her (5 years) I would have told you NO WAY.  (I had a tiny little glimpse once... .but nothing giant)... .

If she is alone, she will try to walk up to me and talk to me like nothing ever happened. I never allow it.  

She if PSYCHO.

I still find the whole thing so hurtful and bizarre.  Never have been through anything like it.

[Rise]

The two of them were clearly GETTING OFF on hurting me emotionally. It was a pre-discussed, planned reaction to siting me.

What your ex did you you is wretched and terribly hurtful. I'm not trying to say they can't be cruel, or spiteful, or vindictive. Because they clearly can be. But it's the cruelty of a petulant teenager (which they basically are on an emotional level). A psychopath hurts people for no reason other than the sheer enjoyment of it. When they lash out it's usually motivated by fear or pain. I know it's tough to care about why, when either way the result is the same. But it's important not to demonize our exes. Doing so can prolong the anger and hurt, and can keep us from being able to let go.

[Turkish]

I'm sure there are those who lie and hurt due to some kind of sadistic trait. Lawson, in Understanding The Borderline Mother, offers this, however:

"When desperation drives behavior such as lying or stealing, they feel innocent of wrongdoing and do not feel guilt or remorse. Apologies are rare, therefore, and borderlines may be confused about why others expect them to feel remorse. They believe that others would do what they did in order to survive. Their explanation is succinct, “But I had to!” Thus the borderline is unconcerned with the consequences of lying because she feels she had no other option."

"To the borderline, lying feels essential to suvival." (emphasis mine)

My Ex commented on her cheating thusly: "maybe this had to happen."

She did what she had to do to survive the annihilation of her inner self. I had detached emotionally, so she found a new object attachment.

[Infern0]

I still don't really know what was lies and what was true but the one that hurts most was this

While I was away for the week at my dad's house while talking on the phone we made a commitment to move overseas with each other, planned it all out etc. Then I got back,  wanted to meet up,  she flaked out and later in a rage told me she is with some guy.

I ask her later when she reached out to me and she said she got with him before I'd left.

So she's "with him" and on the phone planning our future and I'm happy beliving this lie.

After she blamed getting with him on being off her meds and she wanted to be with me, but says she can't hurt him and can we be friends and get together in the future,  I politely decline,  wish her well and if she changes her mind come find me and am instantly painted black and suddenly realize exactly what I'm dealing with here.

It's the con job that gets you,  feeling so gullible

[BuildingFromScratch]

The worst lie was the quantity in which she was infatuated and in love with me. About 6-12 months in, she told me that the bliss we had at the beginning wasn't love. I think she was trying to admit her lie, without actually saying it. Never caught on, until 13 years later. I believe it's the worst lie you can tell a person. It caused me to trust her absolutely. Which in turn caused me to get hurt unimaginably.

[Popcorn71]

The whole 9 year marriage/relationship was a lie.  I was told many times each day how much he loved me and that there would be no other woman for him.  He told me how lucky he was to be with me and kept saying how fantastic our life together was.

All lies!

[enlighten me]

I think the lies about our children were probably the worse. I would get in from work and my ex wife who was supposedly suffering from ME would tell me that they had done something. I would then reprimand them.

I remember one time when I really tore into my eldest who was only about 6 at the time. He had supposedly done something terrible and I really reprimanded him.

He later told me when me and his mum were going through our divorce that he hadn't done it and that his mum was sat behind me silently laughing at him.

It truly is a twisted disorder.

[mywifecrazy]

I think the lies about our children were probably the worse. I would get in from work and my ex wife who was supposedly suffering from ME would tell me that they had done something. I would then reprimand them.

I remember one time when I really tore into my eldest who was only about 6 at the time. He had supposedly done something terrible and I really reprimanded him.

He later told me when me and his mum were going through our divorce that he hadn't done it and that his mum was sat behind me silently laughing at him.

It truly is a twisted disorder.

My God that's the worst thing I've ever heard. They really are like disturbed toddlers in adult bodies. You must have felt so bad when your son told you about this.

How old is your son now? Just show him and give him all your love. He knows it wasn't your fault.

MWC