My daughter is just plain mean

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have no energy and am worn completely out. My BPDd30 is a horrible daughter, and a hateful hurtful person. I love her to the end of the earth, but I can not deal with her mean spirit today...

She just won't accept responsibility for herself or her actions, everything is always my fault. Her entire disasterous life is my fault.

Last evening she says to me I have to go to the Dr tomorrow, this at about 8:45 pm. I told her I had to work in the office from the other city, ( I manage 5 apartment complexes in 2 different cities ) She said, well what am I supposed to do. I replied, I don't know, you could call a cab. This was the end all, how dare I suggest that she actually step up and figure it out, or worse yet, call a cab and actually ride in it.

I don't understand how she can expect me to have the answer instantaneously at this late in the evening, with no prior knowledge.

my response to her was an instant trigger, and the entire situation was suddenly about how I treat so badly, how I never care about her and her feelings, I was a toxic parent, her T gave her a book to read about it, so had the 2 prior to this one, and she thought it was great fun to tell me how she laughed and joked about it with the T.

I am not offended by the book, or the fact that she has yet again convinced a T that I am the problem. She is a master manipulator, and very convincing. What I am upset about, is I haven't had any sleep because she is relentless, I have not been well for a few days, so I am extra tired anyway, then not being allowed to sleep makes it worse. This morning she is firing off the most hurtful hateful text messages, it is unbelievable, how fast she can actually key them in. I am upset at the fact that I let her get to me, I am upset that I didn't respond to her question in a different way, I am upset that I no matter what is going on my life, no matter how big or how small, I have to always pause and think about how my action or reaction to anything will affect my dd.

I would share some of the test messages from her, but they are so inappropriate it would turn your hair gray.

So now I am at work, and can't work, I have been in tears in my office this entire morning, I can't function and I want to vomit. Will it ever end, or am destined to a life in hell?

[tristesse]

I have no energy and am worn completely out. My BPDd30 is a horrible daughter, and a hateful hurtful person. I love her to the end of the earth, but I can not deal with her mean spirit today...

She just won't accept responsibility for herself or her actions, everything is always my fault. Her entire disasterous life is my fault.

Last evening she says to me I have to go to the Dr tomorrow, this at about 8:45 pm. I told her I had to work in the office from the other city, ( I manage 5 apartment complexes in 2 different cities ) She said, well what am I supposed to do. I replied, I don't know, you could call a cab. This was the end all, how dare I suggest that she actually step up and figure it out, or worse yet, call a cab and actually ride in it.

I don't understand how she can expect me to have the answer instantaneously at this late in the evening, with no prior knowledge.

my response to her was an instant trigger, and the entire situation was suddenly about how I treat so badly, how I never care about her and her feelings, I was a toxic parent, her T gave her a book to read about it, so had the 2 prior to this one, and she thought it was great fun to tell me how she laughed and joked about it with the T.

I am not offended by the book, or the fact that she has yet again convinced a T that I am the problem. She is a master manipulator, and very convincing. What I am upset about, is I haven't had any sleep because she is relentless, I have not been well for a few days, so I am extra tired anyway, then not being allowed to sleep makes it worse. This morning she is firing off the most hurtful hateful text messages, it is unbelievable, how fast she can actually key them in. I am upset at the fact that I let her get to me, I am upset that I didn't respond to her question in a different way, I am upset that I no matter what is going on my life, no matter how big or how small, I have to always pause and think about how my action or reaction to anything will affect my dd.

I would share some of the test messages from her, but they are so inappropriate it would turn your hair gray.

So now I am at work, and can't work, I have been in tears in my office this entire morning, I can't function and I want to vomit. Will it ever end, or am destined to a life in hell?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Crumbling]

 

[mama72]

tristesse--I am so sorry that you are having a bad day, and that your daughter is treating you so badly. You do not deserve to be treated like this. At 30 years old, your dd should be able to figure out how to get to a Dr appt.

BPD can be so mean and do have a "gift" for hitting us where it really hurts. Attacking how we parent is their favorite, I think.

I hope your day gets better and that you get some rest tonight. I know when I am lacking sleep, I am more emotional.

((Hugs))

[Crumbling]

You are completely right, people with BPD can be absolutely mean and hateful, I know my husband can be.  Did she get to the doctor, or did she miss the appointment 'because of you'? 

There is a lot of information on this site that has really helped me a lot.  Its a great way to not feel alone and to perhaps gain some tools and strength from others in the same boat. 

Do I understand right that this girl is 30yrs old?  Has she ever been out on her own?  How long has she been like this?  Does she work?  Did the T really diagnose her with BPD then blame you for it for being 'toxic'? That's crazy!  I'm not trying to be nosey, but talking about your situation can help you release some of the pain and perhaps get a grip on things better.  And it can help us understand your situation better.  Boundaries and self care are two subjects that may help.

My husband started therapy eight months ago, and I have seen great improvement.  He wanted to change at that point though, he knew he needed to or he was going to loose everything, including me.  I say that to say there is hope.  You do NOT have to live in this hell forever.  She may always have the illness, but you don't have to always be her punching bag, or her caretaker, or her slave.

It is horribly tiring to have to always be the one that is on guard and cautious with your words.  That's the part of this illness that is so unfair. 

Sending you a shoulder and empathy, c.

 

[tristesse]

thank you mama72

crumbling, yes she is 30 years old and was diagnosed many years ago. She has been in therapy several times, and has had many different T's. This particular one and two others have given her the book on toxic parenting, so I guess I am blamed by this T for her illness.

She does not work, she is unable to hold a job, BPD is only part of her problem. She has BPD, ADD, ODD, PTSD, anxiety and depression. There are days when she can't even leave the house.

I am way over tired today, and being ill does not help., Not to mention the fact that I am not exactly a young woman anymore. So I am ultra sensitive today, and an emotional grab bag.

I just wish that she could see she is sick, I wish she could understand how hurtful she is, and I wish that she could see and feel the love that I have for her.

[Crumbling]

That's the hardest part, isn't it?  Knowing they don't feel your love.  It leaves me feeling so helpless.

[Crumbling]

And you know what, I give you permission to be weak today.

We can't be strong everyday.

[lever.]

If you are a "toxic parent" you are in good company-I'm one too  

These therapists who fuel the fire and encourage blaming others are a menace.

I'm quite willing to explore my faults and acknowledge my mistakes-to my daughter its usually someone else's fault-frequently mine.

Remember that its okay,even helpful, to have boundaries and establish your own limits.

Take some time out for yourself after work today.

Remember SET

I would like to be able to help

It must be frustrating that I am unable to take you tomorrow

I am working in the other office and I am unavailable.

If she still freaks out I would remove myself and ignore.

I am sorry that life is so difficult day to day-any prospect at all of her living seperately from you in the future?

It is easy to offer advice but if I was under the same daily pressure that you are experiencing I know I would be loosing my cool (and giving her something to exaggerate and tell the therapist about!)    

[Crumbling]

Hey, yea, if she see's mom as such a source of her anguish, than one of the best things she could do for herself is not live with you. No?

[MammaMia]

Crumbling

Many adult children wBPD are incapable of functioning on their own. They end up on the streets. The degree of illness makes a huge difference.  

My 40 yo BPDs does not live with me.  He lives in a family-owned home about 10 miles away.  He is fairly self-sufficient, although he is unable to support himself, and he refuses to be labeled as disabled. Therefore, no assistance. The distance makes no difference.  I am still the object of his "anguish" as you call it. Seething hatred is more accurate. Everything is my fault, even though I am not there.  His poor judgement, bad decisions, and self-destructive behavior are my fault.  Anything the neighbors do that upsets him (which is everything) is my fault. His constant whining and complaining never stops, and nothing I do is ever good enough.  He is cruel and verbally abusive.  Do I worry about suicide... .every single day.

But, at least I know where he is and can be sure he has the basics of life. Is it easy ... .Hell no! Is it necessary ... .yes. Some parents are as trapped by this mental illness as those who suffer from it.

There is no logic to this disorder. It is a beast.

[lever.]

I think crumbling was being a bit tongue in cheek.

Some people have eventually had to find alternative arrangements for quite unwell adult children though

It certainly is a trap for many parents. I am fortunate in that my daughter is married and now well enough to live apart from me- I sympathise with those who are the focus of their child's anger and frustration but know that the child, although adult, would be at high risk living independently.

However you might expect a therapist to notice the level of support they are being given by their "toxic" parents.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Thank you all for the support. I totally appreciate it.

I think the biggest problem today is that I'm sick. I need rest and fluids and hopefully it will be better. My dd sent about 70_80 text messages to me today and all before noon. I did come home early as I have chills and body aches to accompany the headache etc. Must be the flu. She has left alone since I've been home, so I am able to relax a little.

Again, thank you all for the support.

[ibwalrus]

My heart goes out to you. I'm soo done with MEAN !

I  was he recipient of a verbal lashing today by my mean 22 year old!

Then, she threw stuff. I threatened to call the police. I think she was a little Shocked.  she stopped long enough to get in the car with me for a ride to work.  But, continued to crank the radio too loud and had a mini tantrum ( forgot something & told me to bring it in or she'll loose her job).  My give a damn is busted.  I'm with you. "Calgone gone take me away!"

Lol ---trying to smile.

[tristesse]

ibwalrus,

  they are horrible, aren't they? but we love and tolerate them anyway.

I have actually called the police before, and I have had my dd arrested for assault. She has been physical in the past, has held a knife at my throat before, pulled me down some stairs by hair, threw a 2x4 at me and hit me with it. The stay in jail actually helped, in that , now all I have to say is don't put your hands on me, or don't touch me etc. She is terrified to go back to jail.

I did press charges and follow through with the court hearing etc. So she knows I will really do it.

This however, does not stop the rages and the temper tantrums. She still yells and is hurtful, and she still throws stuff around, but she is more into self harm now than she was before her arrest, so I have had to call EMS a few times. 

Hang in there, there are always better days. ( at least in my world )