I stepped in it again

[David Dare]

Before I start, I wanna say that this is my first time back in a while and I love the changes to the site!  Great work, bpdfamily!

Ok, so I think I got wrapped up in another uBPD.  Quick backstory: I had my first run in with a BPD relationship about 5 years ago, experienced the agony us nons go through.  Finding this site helped tremendously, I learned a lot, and was able to get back on my feet again after a while.  Honestly, I feel I was a stronger person because of it.  I know what to look for now, which helps.

That doesn't mean I am perfect and don't get duped.  A girl who worked at the same restaurant chain as I, but at a different location, was transferred to my store one day, hit on me a few months ago.  As we were getting to know each other, slowly I might add, she was offered an opportunity to manage the store at which I work.  It was a bit surreal, because my store managers were horrible, and I was glad to know someone else was coming in to take over.  Not only that, I was getting to know my eventual new boss beforehand, and would be her righthand man, with some potential romance on the side. 

So the day comes when she is officially transitioned to be our new manager, and we start hitting it off right away.  Before this, we never saw each other, just talked.  Was kind of a red flag, but at the time it didn't matter:  it was winter time, she lived kinda far away, has to watch her kids and work, etc, I thought nothing of it.

So we're hitting it off great, and I'm getting sucked in.  We actually got warned, because our antics were a bit too visible and people were starting to wonder.  It threw off our chemistry, she had to be more professional, so we toned it down.  The weeks that followed were up and down.  We would talk, flirt, outside of watchful eyes, and ended up going out once.  She would always schedule our work days on the same day, but strangely never hook up outside of work on our days off. 

Then one day, she got jealous over something I posted on Facebook, something completely benign that had no bearing on another woman or whatever, and she started treating me like crap for a few days.  I understand jealousy, but it's hard to described how she flipped and start treating me.  She was being mean, sarcastic, hurtful.  And I was trapped.  I needed to work, and she was my boss.  That moment, to be honest, reminded me of my xBPD, how she would get jealous over stupid things and flip out, and I had this sinking feeling in my gut that I'm dealing with someone I should probably not.

Like I said, we worked together, so I had to continue seeing her there.  She eventually got over it and the flirting continued.  Hardcore sexual flirting.  Then, one day a few weeks ago I got another job, and had to sort out the transition of me leaving.  It happened very fast, a 2-week notice wouldn't be sufficient.  I had to start the new job right away.  I decided to stick around on the weekends to keep making extra spending cash, but to also see her, to be honest.

Anyway, I'm leaving a lot of micro details out to keep this short.  Conversations we had, leading me to believe that someday we would hook up for real.  Her telling me she loved me.  After I'd left for the other job, the texts I'd receive telling me she missed me, wanted me back there.  And, of course, little things that raised red flags about her lifestyle, her past, personal things I'd rather not share.

This all cumlinates to the past 2 weeks, when I discover another guy that she met at a music fest in another town hitting on her on Facebook.  I confronted her, explained how I was not okay with seeing that after all the BS I'd put up with having to deal with jumping through hoops at work and the stress of maintaining this weird fantasy relationship that may or may not eventually happen.  To her credit, she erased the post, but the damage was done. 

After evaluating the situation since then over the past couple weeks, and seeing other stuff on Facebook with other guys, all of which only began happening recently, I've come to the conclusion that all along I was a source of attention and validation for her on the job.  She wanted me as the guy who made her feel good while never really following through on any of it.  And now she's found other men to give her attention.  I just can't deal with that.  I literally stood there next to her yesterday, talking to her, flirting, while watching her chat with some other guy on FB thru her phone.  What the hell? 

I'm not feeling as down as I might if we'd actually hooked up, had sex, or whatever.  It's not like the breakup I'd experienced with a full-fledged relationship that went wrong.  It's on my mind, and I've yet to leave the company so I don't have to see her anymore (doing that soon), but it just rings so familiar with that feeling of getting sucked into a BPD's attention game.  I am narcissistic supply to her, that is how I see it now.

Even though she may not be full-fledged BPD, the warning signs were there, similarities, and there were many stages along the way where I thought this doesn't seem right.  It just feels so dang familiar to me.  And I don't blame her, I blame myself for not standing pat when I should know better.  But it was hard when I saw her 5 days a week, talked to her on our days off, and she was being so sweet and seemingly genuine.  I can't play that game anymore, won't, and it just kind of hurts right now.

[David Dare]

This topic may belong in a different thread, like Emotional Inventory.  Please transfer.