Do you keep this BPDfamily stuff secret? She found my BPD book

[Moselle]

More accurately, she was invading my privacy by searching through my bags, and found "How to stop caretaking the BPD/NPD, and start living"

My book is very annotated with my comments. I write all over my books, and she had read all my comments, and clearly felt very hurt.

She said "Tell me now that you believe that I'm BPD!" a strange response I thought. Then she said "Why are you hiding it from me?"

I said  "I choose to read what I choose to read, and if I was hiding it do you think I would have brought it to your house in my bag. If you don't want to get hurt, don't hack into my emails (which she did), read my phone sms's (which she did) and search my bags, because I have lots of friends who I discuss this stuff with, some male, some female". She eventually walked off and an hour later she was perfectly agreeable again. That was 3 days ago and she hasn't mentioned it since.

How do you guys do this? I'm not about to give up my support and friends that I have developed since discovering BPD 7 months ago, after separating with my uBPDw. BTW, I'm not sure if I'm staying or going yet either.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bak86]

When were already broken up and still made a fight, i told her good luck with her borderline life. First time i actually used that word. She didn't flinch.

[Heartandsole]

I am separated as well and she was hacking my email and saw my welcome to BPD emails and that is how she found out that I was looking into it. My intro post was all about how relieved I felt to find out someone had alredy written my autobiography. It's called "Stop Walking on Eggshells"    It did not go well.  I had no intention of telling her, because at the time I was still looking to stay in the relationship.

I am not here to tell you what to do, I would have preferred learning coping techniques and trying them out in a "blind trial" where she didn't know so that I could evaluate them. 

Right now I research BPD for my own understanding of what has happened to me and to make sure I don't miss   in the future.

[hope4tomorrow]

I've kept my research and knowledge about BPD a secret.  From what I have read, they won't likely admit that they have the problem anyway, so the research is more for my benefit and these boards are for my support.  I don't see anything positive coming by letting him know I think he has BPD.  So I've not said anything.

[Cipher13]

My uBPDw has no idea about this site. Also that I had to sneak to the library and hide the several books I have read on the subject. All her problems are caused by me in her opinion. I beleived that for a longtime until I started to research her behavior.

My wife sifts through my phone nearly every day. Keeps and hids my passport. And goes through my journals. I have since used this site as my sole focus for my writing. I still write in the jpournal but knowing she reads it I keep that in mind.

[Forestaken]

My uBPDw has no idea about this site. Also that I had to sneak to the library and hide the several books I have read on the subject. All her problems are caused by me in her opinion. I beleived that for a longtime until I started to research her behavior.

Public library with the kids for me too. She played the TV too loud for the kids couldn't study, so we went to the library (we disturb her during her TV shows).  I would give my kids extra time on the computer after studying and I would go read the book, book mark it, leave it on the shelf.   Never bpdfamily home. Family e-mail account.

My S's sweaty gym bag in the trunk of the car was the way to transport items, or the wheel well (she didn't drive)

P.S. I was scared sh!tless that she would find out.

[stuckgirl]

i never let my fiance find out about this site

he would have a major collapse/dissociation episode if he did,he would flip out and there would be no predicting what he would do.i tried to approach him with the subject that he might have a pd,he pretended to keep his cool but sort of let me know that he would never accept such a diagnosis and certainly not any help for it.

im glad you're not letting her isolate you from friends and family.

[Cipher13]

im glad you're not letting her isolate you from friends and family.

What ever you do do not get isolated from family or friends. Do not let them have that hold over you. I did and I am paying for it everyday. That was the biggest mistake I made.

[Rise]

I don't like to think about it in terms of keeping secrets. I never hid it from my ex. I just don't feel it's necessary to be broadcasting it, because 99% of the time it doesn't actually help anything. Most of the time confronting our SO with the idea that they may have BPD or NPD does nothing but cause a fight because they aren't willing to accept something may be wrong with them.

I'm allowed to have my own private, personal thoughts. I'm not going to lie if about them, but I don't need to share them if I don't want to.

[bpbreakout]

My BPDw found the eggshells book and there was a heated argument. She was really angry with me on the basis that I had no right to diagnose her. My response was that it was her psychiatrist who is reponsible for diagnosing her not me as that isn't my job and she should discuss the issue with him not me. I've never heard anything since although she has shared a little bit about her diagnosis. I think the fact she hasn't followed this up is actually very surprising. She has no idea about this site although she knows I go on the internet and research various mental health issues. Also during an argument the other week about I let slip that I had discussed some her her behaviour with other people and they were very sympathetic to my situation. Again she was mad at this and demanded to know who I had been talking to and I just told her I'm not "going there" and she eventually dropped it.

It does feel wierd revealing so much to complete strangers and I sometimes think I could be doing anything and she wouldn't know which is sort of sad as it just feels like she isn't interested.

In some ways I'd love it if she read my posts, she might get to know a lot more about who I am but there again ... .

For God's sake don't give up on the support of your friends

[Moselle]

My BPDw found the eggshells book and there was a heated argument. She was really angry with me on the basis that I had no right to diagnose her.

It does feel wierd revealing so much to complete strangers and I sometimes think I could be doing anything and she wouldn't know which is sort of sad as it just feels like she isn't interested.

In some ways I'd love it if she read my posts, she might get to know a lot more about who I am but there again ... .

For God's sake don't give up on the support of your friends

I have a few books now, and I am sharing those with her. One is "co-dependent no more", and the other is "high conflict couples" by Fruzzetti which doesn't mention BPD by name at all, only how to apply DBT to intimate and family situations.

I wouldn't want her to read my posts, because I think they would hurt her. But I know it is only a matter of time before she finds out that I am Moselle on bpdfamily. She's too smart. A friend of mine had her uBPDh recently find her pseudonym and thus her posts. She felt quite upset and violated. It won't be fun when she finds it, but I won't stop posting, nor will I start "sanitising" my posts out of fear in case she reads them.

Thanks for your concern, I won't be giving up my new friends!

[LilHurt420]

I started reading this book a few weeks ago (I downloaded it to my phone).  My uBPDh often snoops through my things too.  When he's dysregulated he stays up all night long and while I'm sleeping goes through my phone and anything else he can.  When he found the book he was pissed at first and tried to blame it on something else.  I also highlighted and made notes throughout it, so I'm sure he took it personal (as he should have).

He gets mad and rages/uses ST over so many things I lose track from day to day.  But I do remember him getting mad about this in particular.

Later on (once his dysregulation passed) he thanked me for trying to deal with him, acknowledge something is wrong with him (though he will never get help for it) and even made a "joke" about me reading a book on him being "bipolar" to a friend.

He hasn't brought it up since.

[Moselle]

He hasn't brought it up since.

Is't it wierd how they rage about it once, then never address it again. Mine didn't try to deny that she was BPD either, but she was clearly hurt. I think they know on some level, but denying it keeps it all in a delicate balance