What helps you stay NC?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD/ NPD ex went NC after he broke up with me 6 months ago. I think it's more difficult to stay NC when it is initiated by the other person.

What things stop you from contacting them when you have a weak moment?

I would really appreciate if you share your experiences as I can use them when I am vulnerable.

Thank you family.

[Caramel]

My BPD/ NPD ex went NC after he broke up with me 6 months ago. I think it's more difficult to stay NC when it is initiated by the other person.

What things stop you from contacting them when you have a weak moment?

I would really appreciate if you share your experiences as I can use them when I am vulnerable.

Thank you family.

[Caredverymuch]

My BPD/ NPD ex went NC after he broke up with me 6 months ago. I think it's more difficult to stay NC when it is initiated by the other person.

What things stop you from contacting them when you have a weak moment?

I would really appreciate if you share your experiences as I can use them when I am vulnerable.

Thank you family.

Hi Caramel. Good question here.  What helps me is really remembering how I felt each time NC was broken.  Its very true that the feeling of hurt and devaluation is harsher each time. We break contact for reasons like feeling hurt, missing, wanting a sense of reason, valuation, closure.  We of course feel the need to obtain this from the person whom is causing these feelings to exist.  But the opposite happens when we go back.  And it hurts in a deeper  way each time.  I have to clearly tell myself this very vividly when weak.

The other thing I remember is the hundreds of experiences I have read here.  Not one occasion of breaking NC ( and I would have taken mere one as an odd if it existed) provided a better outcome.  Just more confusion and more pain. I go with that I now know better, so I have to do better.

Its not easy and makes no logical sense to not be able to communicate with someone I openly shared so much with.  But, thats the way it has to be if I want to stay off the roller coaster of emotional abuse.  And I do.

[Take2]

I can certainly benefit from others ideas also.  I let myself be recycled again briefly.   So foolish of me.  And yet again here I am being totally shut out.   I went out to see a band last night and had fun but hanging out afterwards with a friend at a bar definitely did not help.

It made me miss him so much.   Drinking does not help.

For me, focusing on my workouts, being healthy and not drinking too much and also just focusing on my daughter truly help.

But I too need ideas to stay NC because our pattern has been that when I reach out during the silent treatment,  he more often than not will snap and become scary / potentially dangerous.   So why do I do it?  Intermittent reinforcement.  

But i just can't anymore.  

[Harri]

The left over glimmer of self respect and being stubborn. 

I knew if I contacted him it would just be used against me and to give him a false sense of power in the relationship.  I just got to the point of being so tired and unwilling to diminish me so he would feel good about himself.

[enlighten me]

My most useful tool was to think the worst of them. I analysed every situation. Listened to the nagging doubts that I had and reflected on our past.

Thinking then concluding that they had cheated on me (no evidence but looking back at my exgf's behaviour and things she had said I now realise she had). Analysing the lies and seeing how self involved both my exs where. Trying to find out where I actually appeared in the relationship as it was all about them and never about me and finally remembering how I felt.

The final thing that did it was the realisation that I was just a stepping stone in their lives. I was an object that was useful to them. I wasn't even like a loved car which they took pride in. My exgf said she would whore herself out to provide for her and her kids if necessary well I guess I was just one of her customers who in the end didn't even get a payout.

[pieceofme]

my ex spent last sunday - tuesday making a recycle attempt. he called me on thursday morning, as if nothing was wrong. asked what i was doing, when i would be home. i played along because it's just easier that way. i didn't hear from him the next two days, which - even in our breakup - is unusual. i stupidly broke contact yesterday and was met with rage and hate and him saying he's over me. it broke my heart all over again.

i've always let him contact me and i wish i hadn't broken that precedent yesterday. like CVM said, the hurt and devaluation becomes harsher with each interaction. why give him that opportunity again? that's what i'm telling myself today.

[Recooperating]

When weak, i go to the undecided board and read all the struggles there.

I ask myself if I really want to go through all that again! All the stories of lying, cheating, disrespect, anger outbursts, idealization, manipulation, isolation... .NO MORE!

I try to keep myself busy. Also therapy, meditations and visualisations about a happy future without him but with a loving devotes spouse, building a nice family help. Working out, walking the dog, watching a movie... .Anything! And I spent like 4 hours a day on this board, venting... .

I guess it helps that I was the one initiating NC. Last this he told me was: "in three months time you'll be knocking on my door, begging me on your knees to take you back. You will be miserable for the test of your life, always comparing your lovers to me, you will never find another love like mine. You'll be haunted by the thought of me for the rest of your life."

AINT GONNA HAPPEN! NOT BREAKING NC AND PROVE HIM RIGHT!

I figured it was projecting on me... .

[Suspicious1]

Hmm, the things that help me:

- knowing he will be utterly cruel and cutting if I do contact him. Missing him is better than missing him *and* having an earful

- knowing how much he'd love it if I caved and did it. I know how much he likes to hurt and reject.

- remembering all the bad stuff he did, and the reasons he doesn't deserve to have me in his life

- knowing that any contact will be a setback for me, and I don't want to go through ANY of this journey again

- remembering that if I mean anything to him, if I'm a worthwhile human being to him, he'll reach out to me. The fact that he isn't tells me all I need to know

[Caredverymuch]

Hmm, the things that help me:


- remembering that if I mean anything to him, if I'm a worthwhile human being to him, he'll reach out to me. The fact that he isn't tells me all I need to know

Suspicious1, this is something I tell myself as well. In the time since he up and left me a year ago he came back in person only once. The rest of the times, it was breadcrumb baiting.

Blank texts, ride by's to see my reaction, sending messages via friends that he knew would reach me regarding his emotional state, etc.  I had to tell myself the very same as you stated. If I was worth nearly half as much value as I place in him, he would be an adult and reach out to me correctly.  The breadcrumbs tell me the worth I held. It's not about me at all, and it never was. It's about him. Everything about BPD is self centered and tunnel visioned. The baitings are an immature supply check so he can hold on to the notion that I'm potentially around next time he's down and out and feeling engulfed by his present victim. I mistakened these things early on and  most incorrectly for him missing me. And the times I allowed the recycle to occur by initiating contact based on that false belief, the hurt and devalue was horrendous. Split harshly overnight and with more cruelty each time.

Difficult and hard to swallow but it keeps me strong and away from taking any bait. They are just supply checks. Not about missing or value or care or love.

[Suspicious1]

CVM I totally agree. I've had a few baits or breadcrumbs sent VERY indirectly, and it's not good enough. I reached out enough times in the past and told him if he ever felt like talking he could get in touch. That now means actually properly getting in touch like an adult human being. The ball is firmly in his court and it's staying there.

I also try to see every day of NC as a gift. It's another day of healing, another day of distance between him and me, and every additional day makes a recycle less and less likely. So although it's hard I'm trying to see every day of his NC / ST as a little parting gift to me.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

For me, reminding myself about how much time and business I have lost because I'm spending all my time listening to her horrible and innocent stories. The thing which made me fall for her which I should be aware on my next relationship is she is simply "too open to say the most personal and secret stuffs" with me. I've lost a couple of my best childhood friends because she doesn't like them. My self-esteem took a MAJOR hit also. All these things which I've lost makes me stay clear from her.

Now I don't even think about her(NC for 12 months) and almost forgot how she even looks like.

Whenever I feel like I'm down, I'll read through the old threads here on bpdfamily to put my wall up from thinking about her.

[Caredverymuch]

CVM I totally agree. I've had a few baits or breadcrumbs sent VERY indirectly, and it's not good enough. I reached out enough times in the past and told him if he ever felt like talking he could get in touch. That now means actually properly getting in touch like an adult human being. The ball is firmly in his court and it's staying there.

I also try to see every day of NC as a gift. It's another day of healing, another day of distance between him and me, and every additional day makes a recycle less and less likely. So although it's hard I'm trying to see every day of his NC / ST as a little parting gift to me.

You've got the right idea and you are strong, Suspicious1.  I applaude you and admire your insight and self protection with keeping NC.

I literally think the same. I think about the fact I was naked on all levels with this man. As he ( I thought) was with me. I took care of him and went hither and yon to satisfy he never ending list of waif related needs.  :)rove miles to drop of medicine for his never ending headache that he had every day I knew him. Drove miles to meet him to make it convenient for him bc I am so easy going. Fed him all his favorite meals that "no one ever did before". Got him into therapy. Responded to his suicidal manipulations by staying up all night to be sure he was okay fretful with worry.  Listened to him endlessly pour out his emotions nonjudgmentally, while rubbing his neck and literally drying his tears. Praised his accomplishments and always welcomed him with a warm embrace. Always told him how much he meant to this world.

And the best he could do was a blank text and an occasional drive by to see my reaction? That's the value I held to him?  That's how much he "cared" about me?

Despite the hurt in knowing this to be true, that I did not nor ever will in the future hold true value to him. That whole cycle would have been my life if it continued. And I also know he would have added in cheating on me as he is continuing to do to his present partner. I'm far better than all that. I always was. The FOG just had to lift.

[Pingo]

When weak, i go to the undecided board and read all the struggles there.

I ask myself if I really want to go through all that again! All the stories of lying, cheating, disrespect, anger outbursts, idealization, manipulation, isolation... .NO MORE!

I do this as well and it always reminds me of what I went through. 

I'm not really sure who initiated NC, he was texting me and I wasn't answering then finally answered and in the end after hearing his accusations I told him not to text anymore!  Then I put a block on my phone (but he has never tried to contact since). 

I also remember the control he tried to have over me throughout our whole r/s and me having NC with him is my way of having control of my life again.  It gives me self-esteem to remember each day how strong I am being by taking care of myself.  It can only get better and better.  I dread the day he tries to contact me again (if he does), it's only been just over a month NC.  I pray I can stay strong and not fall for his BS.

[RedDove]

Well I have to say that Suspicious1 really summed up the reasons to stay NC very succinctly and nicely. I myself have been on both sides of NC, and I agree that being on the receiving end is difficult. I initiated the last and final NC and break up with my ex BPD bf back in July. Didn't know until that last confrontation that he suffered from BPD.

The tools I use to help me with NC:

- all of the reasons Suspicious1 summarized

- coming here, reading, writing and arithmetic=1+1=3=OW=cheating and lies by my ex BPDbf

- reading books, one of the most helpful to me thus far has been "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. There are 5 exercises called Akeru. One of them is about getting in touch with your inner child. I found this to be very beneficial to me. OR, a good summer read... .The Vacationers by Emma Straub was a good one! 

- Excercising, when you have an overwhelming thought to break NC and call or text, get up and out and walk! Headphones help with some favorite songs with no connection to the BPD ex! Or go do laundry, cleaning the house, make a nice fruit salad!

- movies on DVD, etc. comedies are best, no romantic ones!

- text or call a friend, relative, co-worker. There's always someone close to you who really cares about you and would love to hear from you!

I hope this helps! Stay strong... .we all know deep down inside that all of us here "deserve" better... .a better, healthier life and partner in the future!

[Take2]

Hmm, the things that help me:

- knowing he will be utterly cruel and cutting if I do contact him. Missing him is better than missing him *and* having an earful

- knowing how much he'd love it if I caved and did it. I know how much he likes to hurt and reject.

- remembering all the bad stuff he did, and the reasons he doesn't deserve to have me in his life

- knowing that any contact will be a setback for me, and I don't want to go through ANY of this journey again

- remembering that if I mean anything to him, if I'm a worthwhile human being to him, he'll reach out to me. The fact that he isn't tells me all I need to know

I'm having a hard day today... .this definitely helps me... .thank you... . 

[Caramel]

Thanks everyone.

For me the main reason to stay strong so far is to keep my dignity intact!

He had ex's from years ago who were still chasing him, texting him, leaving lovely comments  on his FB photos and one in particular that I was usually compared with said that he was the only "gentleman" she knew! He always referred to those comments as proof that he had no problems, that he was a lovely person and the only reason his previous relationships had not worked was because none of those girls reached his standards. 

I am not messaging him coz I don't want to be one of those enablers. I don't want my name to be on the list of his dedicated fans!

-He showed his ex's text messages to me while we were in bed! His ex asked him if he still remembered her. He asked me what I though he should reply! It was pathetic.

I am not messaging him coz I don't want him to take pride in my misery. I am miserable but he is not gonna see it and he is not gonna show it to anyone else. I am going to die standing! 

[Pingo]

- reading books, one of the most helpful to me thus far has been "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. There are 5 exercises called Akeru. One of them is about getting in touch with your inner child. I found this to be very beneficial to me. OR, a good summer read... .The Vacationers by Emma Straub was a good one! 

Yes, I do this as well, I have been reading like a crazy woman leading up to my ending the r/s and since giving me so much clarity and guidance... .I have just finished "The emotionally abused woman" by Beverly Engel (so fantastic!) and "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is on order from my library.  Reading these books is like intensive therapy for free (I use them in conjunction with seeing a therapist).

[Lion Fire]

I look at NC like staying clean. I do this a day at a time.

Anger, stubbornness and self protection have kept me NC for 62 days now despite various and regular attempts from her to engage.

NC has been great for my healing process and has given me back my power and self respect.

She has zero access to me today.

[enlighten me]

I look at NC like staying clean. I do this a day at a time.

Anger, stubbornness and self protection have kept me NC for 62 days now despite various and regular attempts from her to engage.

NC has been great for my healing process and has given me back my power and self respect.

She has zero access to me today.

Well done lionfire. You have come a long way.

[FindingWings]

one of my favs was a guy who wrote that whenever he had a weak moment he would get out the three false police reports that his ex had filed on him... .and read them. Another would look at old photos of her clothing that had been dumped into the washer, with bleach, having taken the photos as proof to show her Attorney? Mine is to look at my list of contradictory statements, behaviors, etc. and reflect on how exhausting it was to try and be in a r/s with a person who was constantly changing the rules.

" I can walk outside, lie down on my driveway and bang my head into the cement. And when I stop? It feels real good"

[mywifecrazy]

What things stop you from contacting them when you have a weak moment?

Contact=Lies

MWC... .

[KrisK7]

I'm LC right now, but steadily going NC.

I always remind myself of how she could look me in the eyes and tell me she didn't love me anymore.

Breaks my heart all over again everytime, but it keeps me from trying to make excuses for her and talking to her.

[Infared]

I would be in a lot of sadness and pain and want to reach out... .but considering that my ex was living with my replacement... .I had to close my eyes and really gather my self love and self respect... .I really had to focus on that and the way that I had been treated.  Not an easy place to be... .but even in all of my pain the choice became clear, and no contact was made. I could not love myself and make that choice. No way!

It's not where I wanted to be, but that is the way life is sometimes.

[topknot]

I remember how I lost myself within him. Even my family commented that my house was all him, not me. Somehow,  Topknot disappeared and got sucked into his BPD vortex, and it was no fun. I spent so much time caring for him, and the happiness was so fleeting.  It was never given without a price,  and the price usually was knowing his attention was already on someone else. I could never make the grade for long. It diminished my character and my being. When I want to cave, I think about that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that always happened when the next blonde rounded the corner, or how I would think about the guests at a function in advance to see who we needed to avoid,  so he wouldn't be mesmerized.  It was like living with a junkie,  but the drug was women. What do you do with that - live in a cave? Those memories bring me back to sanity.

[Tolou]

Suspicious and Cared very much thank you for your post as well as everyone else:

CMV- Your post stuck out to me the most... .

I attempted to help with so much, helped get in to therapy, offered my support love and care, going to different places, waiting in the waiting room, falling asleep because I worked a night shift.  Cooking for her, buying her flowers (something no one had done) getting her prescriptions filled when she was sick, buying dog food, paying for her mother every time she tagged along on the date, going to the pysche ward when she had again lost her mind attempting to hurt herself again.

I supported her so much all the while I had just lost my father and moved away from my family to be closer to her, but with someone who couldn't be more selfish than I have ever met in my life, the most irrational woman... Made a complete idiot of me and mockery at our job after I covered up her for not breathing a word of her beahviors to a soul, her taking my money, lying about cancer, banging my door down. Never again do I want to be in a bed with a woman and feel like I looking at talking to a child and touching, horrible feeling.

I have been N.C. for a year, the lying about cancer was it for me, Though it hasn't been easy and I have my bad days, I just think it is better for me to stay away, don't want to feel that pain again, I wanted to be her lover, not her father.  What helps me stay away the most, is I tell myself, though I beleive she is not a bad person, I can't trust her, I need that trust, if not what the point.  In my hear I don't believe that she can be the woman I thought she was?

[Tibbles]

I weakened and answered a text and then received an abusive phone call - went to message bank - about how if I'm finding my new independent life not all I though it was cracked up to be (I instantly thought it's so f... wonderful I love it) he will listen to how I am going to address my issues ( again all my fault) and if I approach him differently (I was setting boundaries and voicing my honest opinion about what I would Like to do before it all went very pear shaped) he would consider re-negotiating with me. He also spoke of the organic defect in my brain (bi-polar in his mind) that needs to be fixed. What helps with NC - breaking it and then getting met with those sort of responses! Great reminders it is not worth it!

[Witchway]

Even though in the end I knew it was the end... .I did think we could be 'friends' - my issues there ! What I found was the bad/ negative behaviour just carries on. Until they are willing to look at themselves NOTHING will change. And the same went for me.  So I let go of needing closure. I deleted his number and all forms of contact so that in a weak moment I couldn't initiate contact for whatever reason. His attempts a contact were ignored and his number deleted again ! And like many here have posted, I would look at the previous bad treatment - I'd ask myself 'do I really hate myself so much that I would allow myself to be treated like that again.' I think that was the best advice I was given - 'You only get treated how you allow yourself to be treated.'

There was an emptiness which I filled with a Self-hypnosis course, visits to the sauna and long long walks with my sons dog. I also re-connected with friends (close, trusted friends) who allowed me to vent and get it all out in a safe environmet.

Be kind to yourself and breath deeply... .It does get better. X

[Infared]

I look at NC like staying clean. I do this a day at a time.

Anger, stubbornness and self protection have kept me NC for 62 days now despite various and regular attempts from her to engage.

NC has been great for my healing process and has given me back my power and self respect.

She has zero access to me today.

That is fantastic. That distance will allow everything to become clearer and clearer for you. 

[Popcorn71]

- knowing how much he'd love it if I caved and did it. I know how much he likes to hurt and reject.

- remembering all the bad stuff he did, and the reasons he doesn't deserve to have me in his life

- knowing that any contact will be a setback for me, and I don't want to go through ANY of this journey again

- remembering that if I mean anything to him, if I'm a worthwhile human being to him, he'll reach out to me. The fact that he isn't tells me all I need to know

All these are true for me too.  Also, I think at this stage he wants me to contact him.  I think he would talk to me now if I agreed.  I don't want to give him anything he wants.