why the act while my family visited from out of town?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi ,

     Recently my Dad + Sister visited me from out of province. They had yet to meet my s2 from brief relationship w/BPDexgf. Against my advice on the matter , my father extended an invitation to her as we were making arrangements to have my son over for bbq. We are not together , we have LC. It was a total shock that she actually agreed to attend. While at my house she went about acting as though we were a couple? Even hugs and a kiss ! She said things like "we should do something together when you have time." She sat and made small talk, totally friendly to everyone in the house. As soon as my family left town it was back to the silent treatment for me and of course cold shouldered me on the "plans" that she had suggested in the first place ! What the heck? What a bizarre behavior. Anyone have similar interactions with their pwBPD? What a charade she put on. And I fell for it. 

[Saskatchewan]

Hi ,

     Recently my Dad + Sister visited me from out of province. They had yet to meet my s2 from brief relationship w/BPDexgf. Against my advice on the matter , my father extended an invitation to her as we were making arrangements to have my son over for bbq. We are not together , we have LC. It was a total shock that she actually agreed to attend. While at my house she went about acting as though we were a couple? Even hugs and a kiss ! She said things like "we should do something together when you have time." She sat and made small talk, totally friendly to everyone in the house. As soon as my family left town it was back to the silent treatment for me and of course cold shouldered me on the "plans" that she had suggested in the first place ! What the heck? What a bizarre behavior. Anyone have similar interactions with their pwBPD? What a charade she put on. And I fell for it. 

[Mutt]

"we should do something together when you have time."

Easter '13, a couple of months after my ex left she was trying to organize an Easter with friends and family. She had a boyfriend in the marriage and left with said boyfriend. Very bizarre and confusing behavior. BPD is an attachment disorder. I went and it was the last "family" event that I went to. He wasn't there. I made it clear to her that this is not appropriate when you are in another r/s and your acting as if we're still together with the kids present etc. We're two separate families, perhaps years from now we can have a BBQ together. She wasn't 100% sure with the new attachment and she wanted me to fall back on.

Fear of abandonment  - real or perceived is what drives a loved one away. Your ex could be insecure with her current attachments and she wants someone available (you) if there is no attachment available. She may want to test your availability. If she's treating you coldly there's someone in the picture. It's up to you to put a boundary on yourself. You could tell family: " I need  time and space to heal. Inviting ex is not a good idea. I hope you all understand." If it was a one time event - a visit out of Province then there's nothing to worry about.

It sounds like you need to put boundaries in place for ex.

[Saskatchewan]

Hi Mutt ,

              I guess I'm not really wrapped up in her like I once was. I didn't feel like she could blindside me anymore now that I'm educating myself on her condition so I'm not putting much thought into boundaries. We still communicate without too much anger or emotions at all really (detached protector mode i guess). I think I'm moving past her fairly quickly. I was a fairly harmless invitation but I certainly didn't expect the act she put on and I feel like it had nothing to do with me but was more for my families benefit. Why would she need anything from people she'll probably not see for a long time to come?

[Mutt]

Why would she need anything from people she'll probably not see for a long time to come?

You never know. She sees things in black and white. I have read some borderlines put partners through horrible smear campaigns, split a partner black and say terrible things. Later act as if nothing happened. It leaves family and friends confused with the dissociation and the horrible things that were said.

It's the other swing of the pendulum - the white split, the pull behavior. She lives in the moment, feelings are quicksilver, lacks object constancy, emotional amnesia.