over or not over?

[hurting300]

Hey guys and gals, has anyone here been dumped by their pwBPD and not get told your being broken up with? What i mean is, why do they just disappear but leave doors open? Like with myborderline ex... .She had sex with me, washed my clothes then simply disappeared. But she drives by my house when I'm gone . Is there a reason behind this

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I have read that emotionally they are on a par with a three year old.  So you can easily imagine a three year old crying ":)addy I never want to see you again - I hate you".  And then storming out of the room and then coming back to play with Daddy again five minutes later.  It is the most bizarre thing.  I am waiting for my ex's text - am sure it will be in my phone in the next half hour or so.  The theme will be about getting back together.  Even though she is with another and has sworn I am the most evil man on earth.  I just find it amusing now.  My ex has a master's degree in social work and yet she still cannot see how bizarre her behaviour is and there is no point in pointing it out to her.  Extreme denial.

[LettingGo14]

Have you heard of the book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, MSW?   It's reviewed here, and was one of the best I read on the subject of abandonment, including the type you describe:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155621.0

[hurting300]

Yeah so true. But I'm just not understanding this. Weird wild stuff. Good news is I'm healing well. I just have tons of questions...

[Visitor]

Yeah so true. But I'm just not understanding this. Weird wild stuff. Good news is I'm healing well. I just have tons of questions...

Hi Hurting

Me an my ex separated then recycled then she split me black.

I felt bad and had lots of questions but then stumbled onto BPD. Once I found out what BPD was I researched in like mad for days. Although there were open doors when she left, discovering BPD closed those doors in a way.

Im certainly no expert but if she was more of a passive person that raged underneath there is a good chance you upset her without knowing it. She kept it to herself and boiled over then just walked out. This would be a passive aggressive BPD (if she has it).

Did you try to contact her?

[hurting300]

She was passive aggressive. She changed her number. All I get is drive by 's from her.

[Visitor]

She was passive aggressive. She changed her number. All I get is drive by 's from her.

That's very strange 

[Mutt]

She was passive aggressive. She changed her number. All I get is drive by 's from her.

I'm sorry to hear about the painful and confusing way that she exited the relationship . At the core of the disorder lies abandonment - the core wound of abandonment. She may of thought that abandonment was going to take place (or perceived), she has distrusts for others.

My ex did similar things after she left in a similar fashion. She had extinction bursts when I closed our joint bank account or I didn't make it to a parent teacher interview at the school.

She would come by the house as well when I was in low-contact. I hadn't talked to her for several days. She also suffered loss in the relationship. I believe she wanted to physically see if I was there.

[hurting300]

Yes mutt! One month prior to her leaving she accused me of stealing money from her, said I told her over text i was doing it. She didn't even work! What money? I even read off the messages she got confused and silent.

[Mutt]

Yes mutt! One month prior to her leaving she accused me of stealing money from her, said I told her over text i was doing it. She didn't even work! What money? I even read off the messages she got confused and silent.

I have gone through similar things. The bulk of our communiques are email now and I have pointed out her contradictions and she doesn't believe it. It's dissociating - she alters reality to match her out of place feelings. It is confusing when you are trying to process the behaviors logically - feelings are facts to a pwBPD, not facts followed by feelings. I hope that makes sense.

[hurting300]

Yeah it does... but she is hiding from me like I'm mean... .But I'm not. All I did was point out things.

[Mutt]

Yeah it does... but she is hiding from me like I'm mean... .But I'm not. All I did was point out things.

You have a right to feel the way that you do. What sorts of feelings does it invoke for you? I used to feel frustration, anger and invalidated. I would argue and try to reason with logic and it would make matters worse.

A goal could be to become indifferent. Depersonalizing the behaviors. I understand my ex interprets reality different than myself. I trust my intuition. If I press her on the matter it escalates. Having said that I let her interpret her reality, I know what's real and I let it go.  If she's hiding she is feeling engulfed - it's not about you, it's about her.

[hurting300]

I'm hurt to the extreme. I still cry. Then I get really angry. Then hurt. I just miss my baby and her. She hated the idea of me working out because she was convinced I'd someone better. I feel as though all i can hope for is drive by's. Why couldn't i see the red flags.

[Mutt]

I'm hurt to the extreme. I still cry. Then I get really angry. Then hurt. I just miss my baby and her. She hated the idea of me working out because she was convinced I'd someone better. I feel as though all i can hope for is drive by's. Why couldn't i see the red flags.

You suffered a loss and you miss your baby. As a father I understand the anxiety and stress. I'm so sorry. It's been 3 months? You're going through the most difficult part right now. It's tough.

It could of been anything as irrational as it is that triggers her fear of abandonment. I triggered my ex once by answering an I instant message from an old friend. The reaction and action out doesn't make sense. It is her insecurities.

I understand wanting a to hear or see a glimpse or talk to an ex when you're split black. It's a completely different personality or person that you used to know. It's cold.

Don't be hard in yourself with not seeing the red flags. How were we supposed to know we were getting I involved with a mentally ill person?

[Take2]

hurting300... .can you get visitation rights for your baby?  it kills me to think of what you must be going through... .I am so sorry to hear that.  I feel the pain of being painted black completely but having to dealwith that AND not being able to see my child?  Too much... .of course you get angry, of course you cry... .  and after you are farther out from the pain, you may realize you did notice some red flags initially but blew them off as being quirks or minor enough to overlook. 

What matters right now is that you are good to you.   It's a very difficult  and painful place you are in... .  keep working out!  it's what has kept me sane throughout my long ordeal... .  do whatever it is you like, spend time with friends, spend time alone, post on here, whatever it is that might help... .  it's a long journey and yours is not at an end.  You have a child with her... .  I would take some time and read the staying boards for the advise on how to communicate best with someone with BPD (if you haven't already done so) since you will likely need to use them many times in the future... .

[hurting300]

Hey guys, it's been four months and no I can't get visitation because she disappeared with the child. I can't help but think this is a sick twisted game. She never even worked or could plan anything... I just have so many questions. I've never heard of anyone just disappearing like that, but leaving doors open to maybe come back. I'm a smart man but she put it to me.