contemplation of NC, LC. good options right...

[dallasdude7]

It has been a long time since I have posted here.  things with the pwuBPD in my life have been ok for a while now.  of course, that never lasts does it... .

the uBPD person is my Father-in-law.  My wife had a terrible conversation a few days ago which prompted me to get back on these message boards.  The details of the argument are not really important.  he was just in a rage, upset that he was being bothered one too many times, and that he was not getting the recognition he believed he deserved.  He was yelling at her, swearing, blaming her for all the aggravation he was experiencing (he is obese, has diabetes, high blood pressure, and in general takes very poor care of himself), as well as forcing my wife into some circular arguments... .he repeats himself terribly all the time, but when he is in a rage it is worse.  At the end she was telling him what he wanted to hear (apologizing etc... ) just to get out of the conversation.  of course, he said that her apology was not good enough and that she should call again later when she was ready to apologize again... .  I think what hurt my wife the most was that he forbade her mother from communicating with her and her mom just agreed to do so... .(I am sure my Mother-in-law felt like it was her only option... ) Though, they have been communicating through secret emails... .

My wife normally speaks to her parents daily on the phone, sometimes multiple times a day.  she is an only child, and has a very close relationship with her mother in particular.  She is much more enmeshed with her family than I am with mine.  Needless to say, my wife is angry, depressed, fed up, etc...   with things like this going on... .  she is thinking of doing LC or NC... .  but of course the ramifications of that for us would be fairly large... .  we are in our 20's, and they do help us out.  for example, the car my wife drives is theirs.  I think we could probably absorb the costs, but it would take a bit of work.  She just feels alone at the moment.  she has always had a few close friends in addition to her family.  and she is not a confident decision maker.  He has had a hand in virtually every decision she has ever made... .  My wife does not see a counselor regularly, but she is going to see one soon.

Needless to say, this whole thing is a mess.  I am not sure my wife will be able to keep the NC or LC thing going, but she is super tired of all this.  We really thought things with him were going well...   He had a small rage around new years, and I do not remember the last big one before that... .  All of this has opened up many of my wife's old wounds.

I know most of you guys have, or are going through things just like this.  any perspectives would be appreciated.

Thanks

[jdtm]

I think we could probably absorb the costs

This would be worth every penny (IMHO).  I really think the best thing for a person who is "enmeshed" with "anyone or anything" is to get busy - working, playing, meetings, learning, volunteering, helping, etc.  Sometimes, leaving the computer and/or telephone turned off for several days can be an epiphany.  By the way "secret" whatever tend to blow up in one's face.  It is not your or your wife's duty to make life more liveable for your mother-in-law (that is her job).  Parents become "extended family" when one marries and your family is you and your wife (and any children - if they come along).  So, my humble perspective would be to focus on your marriage and your home and your work - let the "extended family (and that is both sides) work out their own problems.  Trust me - you will have enough problems in life without taking on "custom work".  When I reread this posting, it does sound "preachy" - nonetheless ... .  All the best ... .

[Gone2Long]

Firstly, a big  to your wife - I hear so much of my own story in what you are relating that is going on with her.

I completely applaud the idea of counselling as it will help her cope with a lot of her feelings and give her some tools to try and detach in a healthy way.  I was a much younger sibling, never lived with my half- brother (24yrs older) so at times felt like an only child.  I do understand her feeling enmeshed with her family, especially if she and her mother have always been there to support each other in dealing with her father.  I never understood boundaries until recently and without them, as you know, the same old patterns keep going around and around without any resolution.  Being young, just starting out on your lives together, it's a great thing to have the support of family to help you move forward... .but when there are disordered people involved, it can get ugly for sure, and add to the stress of dealing with the dynamics of these complicated relationships.  You sound like a great partner to your wife and with the insight into mental illness that you have - and that is becoming more available - you are on the right path. 

I understand the journey you are on and wish I had started mine so much sooner.  I wish you both much luck and peace!