I need support

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I need support and be able to talk to others who know what life is like with a parent who is diagnosed with BPD. I'm 24, almost 25 and I'm an adult child of a mom with this personality disorder. I always knew something wasn't right about her growing up but at 11 she had been going to a councilor for a couple years I was going through her papers one night because here councilor did not want to see her anymore and it said she had BPD. I looked stuff up on the internet and then began to understand more she was mentally I'll even though she didn't admit it directly to me. Well I had a child at 21 and she was so nice to me the entire time I was pregnant. I thought things were suddenly going to change for the better but I was highly mistaken... .after I had my daughter she was always trying to put me down by always stating I needed to parent better and here ways of doing things is how I should do it or it was wrong. She still treated me like a child bit with a kid instead of an adult with a kid... she always put and puts down the father of my child whom has been there since day one and who is still with us. She has caused so many problems in my family I do think I can speak to her any longer. I have explained how it makes me/us feel when he treats us that way and asked her to let us parent on our own. She acted every time as though she got it and things would change but they never have. She's done so many hurtful things to us every time I tried to just end the relationship for my own sanity and protection of my family. She will call the police and make false reports call the police to my home, and even once called child protective services on us with lies. No one has ever hurt me as much as her and I feel like no one understands where I'm coming from and that's why I'm turning to this site.

[blanquita]

I need support and be able to talk to others who know what life is like with a parent who is diagnosed with BPD. I'm 24, almost 25 and I'm an adult child of a mom with this personality disorder. I always knew something wasn't right about her growing up but at 11 she had been going to a councilor for a couple years I was going through her papers one night because here councilor did not want to see her anymore and it said she had BPD. I looked stuff up on the internet and then began to understand more she was mentally I'll even though she didn't admit it directly to me. Well I had a child at 21 and she was so nice to me the entire time I was pregnant. I thought things were suddenly going to change for the better but I was highly mistaken... .after I had my daughter she was always trying to put me down by always stating I needed to parent better and here ways of doing things is how I should do it or it was wrong. She still treated me like a child bit with a kid instead of an adult with a kid... she always put and puts down the father of my child whom has been there since day one and who is still with us. She has caused so many problems in my family I do think I can speak to her any longer. I have explained how it makes me/us feel when he treats us that way and asked her to let us parent on our own. She acted every time as though she got it and things would change but they never have. She's done so many hurtful things to us every time I tried to just end the relationship for my own sanity and protection of my family. She will call the police and make false reports call the police to my home, and even once called child protective services on us with lies. No one has ever hurt me as much as her and I feel like no one understands where I'm coming from and that's why I'm turning to this site.

[HappyChappy]

I need support and be able to talk to others who know what life is like with a parent who is diagnosed with BPD... .she was always trying to put me down ... .she always put and puts down the father of my child ... .I feel like no one understands where I'm coming from and that's why I'm turning to this site.

You’ve come to the right place to find people that understand the behaviour you described. I have uBPD mom and uNPD bro. Double trouble. It’s standard practice to criticise your parenting. This is because BPD project blame away from themselves and they know deep down they weren’t great parents. So understand these comments are more about your BPD mom than your parenting style.

It’s also standard practice to cut your significant other out and treat you as a kid still. Your BPD wants to keep you in your place (as she did when you were a kid). Her main concern is ensuring you still feed her narcisstic supply. So your child and your partner are both threats, competing for attention (which your BPD see as rightly hers).

Hopefully on this website you’ll get validation of all the bizarre behaviour BPD get up to, that our friends just wouldn’t believe. You’ll be surprised how similar BPD's behaviour can be. I would recommend you learn as much as you can about BPD. It will validate your childhood, and help you understand it wasn’t your fault – even thought your BPD will have done her best to convince you it was because you were a bad child or whatever. By hitting this forum, you’ve just started your journey of healing. So what aspect of your BPD realisation troubles you the most ?  

[blanquita]

I need support and be able to talk to others who know what life is like with a parent who is diagnosed with BPD... .she was always trying to put me down ... .she always put and puts down the father of my child ... .I feel like no one understands where I'm coming from and that's why I'm turning to this site.

You’ve come to the right place to find people that understand the behaviour you described. I have uBPD mom and uNPD bro. Double trouble. It’s standard practice to criticise your parenting. This is because BPD project blame away from themselves and they know deep down they weren’t great parents. So understand these comments are more about your BPD mom than your parenting style.

It’s also standard practice to cut your significant other out and treat you as a kid still. Your BPD wants to keep you in your place (as she did when you were a kid). Her main concern is ensuring you still feed her narcisstic supply. So your child and your partner are both threats, competing for attention (which your BPD see as rightly hers).

Hopefully on this website you’ll get validation of all the bizarre behaviour BPD get up to, that our friends just wouldn’t believe. You’ll be surprised how similar BPD's behaviour can be. I would recommend you learn as much as you can about BPD. It will validate your childhood, and help you understand it wasn’t your fault – even thought your BPD will have done her best to convince you it was because you were a bad child or whatever. By hitting this forum, you’ve just started your journey of healing. So what aspect of your BPD realisation troubles you the most ?  

I had a feeling that was it... she never admits her faults and acts as if she's the most holy person on this earth... always critiquing everyone elses life besides her own. Most thing that pisses me off is that my dad won't accept it effected me growing up and just thinks I should "deal with it" because she gave me birth and is my mother. Every time I tell him about her antics he says "well that's your mother". And nothing more. He doesn't understand It affected me on a emotional level and dealing with her is mentally and emotionally draining. I recently a week ago went NC again and my dad told me he doesn't want a relationship with me and my family anymore because that's his wife and they come as a pair. I told him how my moms negative comments has always put negative thoughts in mine growing up and I thought I couldn't be anyone because she always put me down. And what do you think is the most troubling foe you with your mom and brother?

[HappyChappy]

... .thing that pisses me off is that my dad won't accept it effected me growing up and just thinks I should "deal with it" because she gave me birth and is my mother.

Someone with BPD will try to isolate her family, starting with her partner. Divide and conquer approach. That leads fathers of BPDm to be enmeshed with their BPD  and “a pair”. Hence why your farther (and mine) said they are a pair. But again you need to know this isn’t your fault, it’s part of your BPD manipulation.

The “just deal with it” approach again is very BPD. As children of BPDs we probably got little validation of our feels, as a BPD is not interested in that, they are more interested in what we can do for them. But a “health” parent would have validated our feelings at the time. This can lead to emotional issues as an adult, such as low self esteem or anger issues. As children of BPD we will have been trained to care for the BPD’s needs. So now is a great time to focus on you and what your needs are. 

[littlebirdcline]

There are many of us here whose stories are remarkably similar.  My mother is always telling my brother and I that we should leave our spouses and come back home.  Since I had my son, she has gotten even worse, as she wants my son closer, and that gives her even more motivation.  Both my husband and sister in law are fantastic people and we both have happy marriages, but she cannot see that.  She is also constantly giving me parenting "advice", and getting offended when I don't do what she says.  My father also has the "deal with it, she's your mother" attitude, but he says he's trying to stay out of it.  I am trying to work on the situation and set boundaries, but it seems to me your case is much more extreme.  If she's calling police and making false reports to child protective services, she is putting your family in danger.  And having your father enable her just compounds the situation.  Many of us here are trying to work on our situations, but I think most of us would agree you have to protect yourself and your family first.  I found that a few months of distance from my mother didn't change her, but it did help me see things more clearly and begin to get my own house in order.  And I finally really understood that my responsibility was my son- not feeding her emotional needs.  Good luck- you'll find lots of support and information here.

[Enoughforme]

Yes, I am glad I read this post. I too have the same situation. Though I wish I would have seen it at your age and not in my 40's. I have two kids 10 and 7- and it has affected them her actions. ( Just a warning kids see this no matter what age) She has completely dissed my husband - I could write a novel on this. We live fairly close to each other, about 1 mile. She moved closer to us, to be close to her grandkids. Be warned after MC you get lots and lots of guilt.

Something stuck a cord with me too- Why is it OK for your dad to say that her and him are a package BUT you,your husband, and you child are not? BPD sucks! I wish you the best of luck, and I think I would use your dad's words " Your family is a package deal"

[blanquita]

Yes, I am glad I read this post. I too have the same situation. Though I wish I would have seen it at your age and not in my 40's. I have two kids 10 and 7- and it has affected them her actions. ( Just a warning kids see this no matter what age) She has completely dissed my husband - I could write a novel on this. We live fairly close to each other, about 1 mile. She moved closer to us, to be close to her grandkids. Be warned after MC you get lots and lots of guilt.

Something stuck a cord with me too- Why is it OK for your dad to say that her and him are a package BUT you,your husband, and you child are not? BPD sucks! I wish you the best of luck, and I think I would use your dad's words " Your family is a package deal"

I did them it that and he didn't really answer back and then we hung up and I haven't spoken to them since about 8-9 days ago...   Thanks for the clarification I'm learning even more  through talking with you guys I do feel a little guilt the past few days but I know if I give in things will just keep going in a circle or rather a triangle and I'm hoping of that triangle and as soon as I can move far far away from Ohio (where I live) I think I will feel much better!

[Indie]

Hi Blanquita and all, I am 61 and my uBPD/narcissist mother is 92.  I had my one and only child at 29 (he is now 32).  If I could give you and those younger than me one bit of advice it is to set boundaries and stick to them - NOW.  I didn't.  Well, I set them in a crisis but didn't stick to them.  Hold your space, and take the higher path.

What I did do right was protect my son while still allowing my mother time with her grandchild.  I did this for my son, though there were many times I thought I should have cut all contact with my mother.   What she really wanted, was to be closer to my son that I was, and both of them be my adversaries.  It was sick.  She was always jealous of me, but especially so when I was breastfeeding.  She loved the following "joke", repeating it often enough to make me nauseous as a young mother:  "Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along?... .Because they have a common enemy."  (sick laughter from her)

My son now has begun to understand what his grandmother did/is doing to me.  We had a crisis of late, and my mother began proceedings to disinherit me (my father has passed).  I am not in contact now, but from speaking with her caregivers and a mutual long time family friend I heard that she has changed her will to leave it all to my son.  She would like to wreak havoc from the grave.  A real Mommie Dearest.  But it won't happen, my son was raised as differently from her style as I could possibly manage, with much much support from my husband of 40 years.

Set a big solid boundary.  Keep it.  Don't reward her bad behavior.  Be conscious and introspective about your parenting actions with your daughter so you don't inadvertently fall back into your mom's style.  Make friends with young moms who have a healthy relationship with their moms, and emulate that for your daughters sake. 

Anyway, this is my little bit of advice, and I hope it helps.  Lots of hugs.