She dropped the bomb on me

[Traumatized]

She dropped the bomb on me tonight:  she's getting married!

It's to the same guy who was at the center of last summer's nightmare.  The same guy who just yesterday she told me was an immature loser who she was done with.  The same guy who when he started contacting her again a couple of months ago, she swore she wasn't returning his calls and that I should be "proud of her."  The same guy who when I called her early last Saturday afternoon she told me was still sleeping in her bed.  Wait a minute, STILL sleeping in her bed?  That would mean that not only was he there, but they were having sex again.

Yes, I'm so proud of her.  Where do I pin the medal?

She wants to remain friends, but I told her I cannot be around in any capacity.  That made her angry.  She said I'm being ridiculous.  I tried to explain to her that my feelings for her are way too strong and this is too much for me to deal with.  I'm still traumatized from everything that happened last year and just hearing this guy's name, let alone seeing him or hearing his voice is enough to trigger me and send me over the edge.  I can't be around.  No way.

She said I'm abandoning her when she needs me the most.  I told her I'm not abandoning her, but trying to protect myself from the overwhelming emotional pain I'm in.

And of course the reasons for her marrying this guy are nothing but true love.  He'll get his green card and she'll get showered with all the glamorous merchandise she can handle.

Good luck to both of them. 

[elessar]

I am sorry to hear this. It is tough. I am going through this right now. It is inexplicable how they can change mind in a day! That is exactly what mine did last month. Afternoon wanting to marry me. Night agreeing to marry him. You should have said, "you are abandoning me". It makes me furious how they project their leaving onto us. You are right, good luck to them both. We all know how its going to work out eventually.

She said I'm abandoning her when she needs me the most.  I told her I'm not abandoning her.

[willy45]

Good for you man. This is a blessing. Really. Hurts I'm sure. But F it.

By ex did the same kind of thing. Doesn't want to be with me. Wants to be best friends. I told her no. Too hard for me. She flips out. And blah blah blah. Same old dance. I want off the merry-go-round.

Trust me dude... .That guy is going to be in a living hell. You dodged a bullet.

And good for you for setting boundaries. You need to. She will do nothing to help on you that front.

[Take2]

((hugs))  Traumatized... .  I feel for you truly.  As long as I've known about BPD and read so many stories on here, I still have plenty of moments where I read things and think "how could someone DO that to another" - which of course keeps me stuck in pain - there is no logic to this kind of behavior.  There is no love in that r/s obviously.  She doesn't know how to give love or accept love in the way we do. 

I know full well the pain of what you are going thru... .  brutal pain... .  but you really have dodged a bullet... .  stay away from her/them.  It will not get better or easier for you if you don't... .   

[Infern0]

Pretty much what happened to me (without the marriage. .yet)

This dude was always lurking in the background but I belived her when she told me she didn't have feelings for him etc. I didn't see him as a threat (how stupid) but yeah as soon as I started to have enough I got "I'm with him now" launched at me.

Funny thing was I actually thought she was lying and laughed. I then had a few weeks of "I want to be with you but I can't right now,  let's be friends and we will be together later"

Once I realized that I just couldn't do it I told her nicely I had to break away for my own sanity,  my feelings were too strong to be in her life.  I got the absolute verbal murdering about how much of a ass I am.

She says she's going to spend the rest of her life with him but then to my mutual friend she says she's "embarrassed by him" and that his steroid abuse has left him with a little johnson. Still he has rich parents and can fund her lifestyle better than I could.

What a life he has ahead of him... .

[Pieter2]

Dude, you dodged a huge bullet! Mine did the same thing when we broke up. Back to old guy (who she probably cheated on me with) - Same cr@p. Then, when I said I don't want any contact she even went to my family and told them how bad I was. For abandoning her - Ironically, she still wants me as a friend to flirt with etc. whilst she is with the new guy. SICK stuff dude. Get healthy - She's not. Can you immagine that poor guy's wedding? I bet all her ex's are all friends she has. He'll have to stand there among all the other people she has slept with. SICK dude - Do you want that to be you?

[MommaBear]

Mine began living with his replacement weeks after they met. Of course, he didn't change his address and he still stays at the house from time to time, but they're together 7 days a week more or less.

Tells me he's in love with her. But uh, taking care of our child is too much for her. She's not ready for the occasional overnight with a toddler. Awww, poor baby. Sounds more to me like he doesn't want the kid cramping his style!

Yeah. Want to know where I'd suggest pinning the medal? Because of few select places come to mind! 

[RisingSun]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm there with you.

I understand the pain you're going through. It's hard letting go but it's mandatory at this point. There is nothing you can do after she crosses this line.

Be thankful that there is "closure". A BPD's only true closure is when they movie on with someone else. This is your chance to let go and know deep down

what kind of person she is; untrustworthy.

I'm glad you're setting boundaries which will keep you safe while you're in the delicate stages of recovery. Be stedfast in NC. You explained yourself

with honesty to her. You did the right thing. Be glad you're a good person who knows how to offer honest closure. You said what you needed to.

Now you're free to move on from this destructive relationship and focus on yourself.

[Traumatized]

Thank you to everyone who has replied!  You made me feel like I'm in the Matrix with all of the bullets I'm dodging .  It's nice to know that so many people can relate to this kind of situation and understand what I'm going through.  That's why I'm here on this website.  I appreciate all of you!

I knew walking away from her wasn't going to be easy.  

I've been severely depressed since she told me last night that she's getting married.  In spite of all the hell she's put me through I still love her immensely and she's an important person to me.  Every time we've separated in the past, whether it was her choice or mine, it's been a torturous experience.  This time is no different.

She called me and said she's not going to let me go without a fight.  She suggested we see a couples counselor... .even though we are not officially a couple... .so we can resolve our differences and stay in each others lives as friends.  For some reason it gave me an irrational spark of hope that she'll dump the guy she's with and just want to be with me, but she made it clear to me that that's not going to happen.  She also suggested that I have a talk with the guy she's going to marry.  I said no way!

[Take2]

Being as codependent as I am, I would probably follow through on her request but in reality Traumatized that isn't remotely fair to you and your feelings at all... .   obviously only you know whether or not you want or can transition to a friendship with her, but you sound so caring and it's somewhat insane (duh!) on her part to suggest couples counseling with YOU while she's about to marry someone else!  And who knows if that will even happen.   Distinct possibility of not.  I don't even say that to give you hope.  I just wouldn't want you to be strung along.  Been there.  Done that.  Does not get better.  In fact... .it gets significantly worse.  At least if you fail to set any boundaries like I did... .   good luck to you as you navigate this... .   remember - you deserve as much love as you can give her!   

[Traumatized]

I woke up this morning at 4 A.M. after having a nightmare that I had received a text from my ex about her going out to dinner with her fiance and falling off the wagon.  She wanted me to console her, but it was clear in the text that she was still fully committed to him and it upset me.  The nightmare seemed so real that I almost picked up my phone and texted her back, but as I started to wake up I became consciously aware there was no real text to respond back to.

From out of this nightmare came a severe panic attack!  It was so bad that I started having vertigo and couldn't get the room to stop spinning no matter how hard I tried to focus.  I stumbled out of bed disoriented and confused.  I felt weak, like I was going to pass out any second.  I had a hard time breathing and could not seem to catch my breath.

My anxiety was so bad that I had to schedule an emergency meeting with my mental health practitioner so I could talk about it.  Right before the meeting my ex texted me and wanted me to meet her and a friend for lunch.  I told her I couldn't, but she kept on begging me.  After the therapy session I had to go to work and when I confirmed to her that I definitely could not meet her for lunch she got angry at me for not blowing off work.   She wanted to know when she was going to see me again.  I said I don't know.  That upset her.  She told me that her fiance was coming over tonight and going to stay over (information I didn't need to know) and then I reminded her that as long as he's in her life I cannot be.  She said, "So you're terminating the relationship?"  I didn't say yes, but I restated what I had previously said about this guy triggering me and how it's too painful for me to deal with so I have to stay away.  She hung up on me.

I guess that was the end of her fighting for me to stay in her life.

So right now I'm ruminating about what's going on between her and her man.  Are they out to dinner right now?  Making out on her couch?  Having wild sex on her bed?  The whole thing is so upsetting to me just to think about.  That this guy from last year is back and now I'm reliving last summer's trauma all over again.  The can of worms has been reopened and I don't think there's going to be a happy ending to this.  She wins.

I feel so sad, empty and alone.  I'm back to having no one and nothing while she's out having a great time with someone she loves.

[Infern0]

Traumatized,  I know how you feel man but you and I both know she's not "happy" with the new guy, she doesn't know how to be happy. It's an act, she is great at acting but deep down we know it's true. None of it is real, the only thing that is real is you and your feelings, they validate you as a real person, not a swirling hurricane of uncontrollable misery and destruction.

Work on you,  my friend.  Time to upgrade yourself,  find your self worth.

She'll be back,  bet your bottom dollar.  And when she does she will no longer be good enough for you.  Trust me.

[Ripples]

Ive just gone through the exact same thing so I understand the effect that this news creates. For me I have used it to enforce final closure. Im a long way out of my relationship. Its been a few years now and I have had to witness her having kids and settling down with the man she loves. She sent me a text two days before she was getting married. Told me that they had made the decision two weeks before. She kept her surname though and would now be Mrs ****. I congratulated her and told her it was wonderful for her but said it was really time for us to move off in to our respective lives. She replied a few weeks later saying that she really liked me and wanted to be friends.

I gave this a lot of thought and realised that because she has strung me along for so many years with words of affection and love while falling in "love" with someone else was too much for me to accept. I declined her offer. I never heard back so I think she realised that I finally could not be there for her.

My life now far outweighs any last remnants of feelings I have for her so enforcing my decision has been very easy. You need to move forwards from this and do not allow yourself to get into a situation whereby she has access to you so that you can validate her life. That is not your role now. Let her go. In time she may come to realise that you meant more to her than she realised. Give your love and support to someone more deserving and healthy.