I am going to assign them numbers

[Sstepdad]

 Her boyfriends that is, its getting to hard to remember their names 4 in the last few months thats not counting the ones that are just "friends" its dizzying how fast she envelopes them like a wet blanket then after she is not entertained puff they are gone and a day later its someone else.

This is so foreign to me, I have had years between relationships, she can not stand being alone at all, gets very agitated.

Her latest toy is a 17 year old! this kid is still in high school she is 26, maturity wise he may be above her but this is not going to end well, My wife and I have a significant age difference ten years, she is older but I was 31 been though the military bought a house and had an established career. But she tries to justify it using our example.

I hope he does not drop out, she will pull her jealous routine I am sure. His family is fairly dysfunctional and do not see a problem, they let her sleep over. In a few weeks she will be moving on I hope he stays in school. I am sure she has given them some whoppers about how terrible we are, when she brings over a new boyfriend they do their best to avoid me, years ago I did throw one out after he got verbally abusive.

After each breakup there is not a shred of remorse most times the person is not even mentioned. She is the child that will never grow up

Not much I can do just be a spectator, Just wanted to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I can see why you are concerned and frustrated, Sstepdad. Our BPD kids (even the adult ones) can really confound us sometimes, and it's terribly frustrating to watch them self-destruct right before our very eyes and not know what to do to help them. We've all been there 

What does your wife think about this new boyfriend? Do you have other children? How do they handle your 26 year-old daughter? Does she still live at home? Does she have a job, go to school? I agree with you; I hope this boyfriend stays in school (is he a High School Senior this school year?), too... .Try to be nice to him and encourage him to finish his education 

I do know how it is to watch our BPD kids (heck, all of our kids!) make the same mistakes more than once, and to wish we could protect them from the consequences of their actions... .Have you checked out the links to the right-hand side of this page? Reading the TOOLS and THE LESSONS can really help with handling these behaviors. I know that one of my favorites is Radical Acceptance for family members... .Once I let go of being stressed out over things I had no control over, it really did help me feel better, and it also improved my relationship with my BPD son, Husband with BPD traits, uBPD D-I-L and uBPD M-I-L (yeah; I've got them all around me    ) .

[Sstepdad]

Rapt reader I accept who she is, we have done a lot of work with her she currently is living at home that is when she is here and follows our house rules fairly well it used to be a real problem.

Not much we can do about her relationships, but I feel bad for so many that end up hurt and confused when she just moves on.

The boy is in starting 11 grade he was held back. This day and age a diploma is needed for just about anything, I would not hire someone without a high school diploma. You cant even join the military without one.

She is an only child her mother and I met when she was 7 she was good until her early teens and escalated to uncontrollable by 19 since then she has gotten somewhat better just not in having personal relationships beside one guy who was very similar to her that went on for years with breakups and other relationships along the way.

She has a job but does not make enough to support herself, compared to some on here we have it pretty good.

But I would in another ten years or so like to retire and not have to take care of a 36 year old child.

[SeaSprite]

My d is 16 (17 in Oct), her bf is 29. (Long story, on a diff thread)

Does it feel different when it is the boy that is the teen?

[HealingSpirit]

I understand your concern for all the young men who are cast aside and hurt by your DD26. My DD17 has had a series of so-called monogamous relationships since she was 14. She always keeps one on the back burner, just in case. I don't know HOW they do this! I'm more like you... .I always had time in between my breakups. My DD seems to start a new r/s the day after a breakup. I can't even begin to understand it. 

I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice, but I wanted you to know you're not alone in going through this.  It does help just to vent sometimes, doesn't it?

Hang in there, Sstepdad.

[.cup.car]

Do the parents ever feel bad for these kids their pwBPD get involved with? Do they ever consider reaching out to understand their child's behavior?

I mean, as a parent, you see one aspect of the disorder. In a relationship, you see another.

Sometimes these romantic partners might hold clues as to how to get your child help.

[HealingSpirit]

Do the parents ever feel bad for these kids their pwBPD get involved with? Do they ever consider reaching out to understand their child's behavior?

Yes, I do feel bad for ALL my DD's friends, both male AND female!  She puts them all through hell, eventually. And YES, I would VERY MUCH like to talk one-on-one with her friends to gain their perspective. However, I have not found this to be possible thus far. Maybe it's possible for some parents, but my DD paints a false picture of me to her friends, so they barely talk to me, even when I try. And just 2 weeks ago, her ex bestie contacted me for help getting her stuff back because my DD was being unreasonable with her. It was a disaster when my DD found out I had texted with  her bestie. You'd think I'd committed a mortal sin the way DD raged at me for listening (by text) to her friend who was just frustrated and wanted her stuff back.

You have great parenting instincts, .cup.car.  It's the BPD that has us all stumped.

[js friend]

Do the parents ever feel bad for these kids their pwBPD get involved with? Do they ever consider reaching out to understand their child's behavior?

Yes, I do feel bad for ALL my DD's friends, both male AND female!  She puts them all through hell, eventually. And YES, I would VERY MUCH like to talk one-on-one with her friends to gain their perspective. However, I have not found this to be possible thus far. Maybe it's possible for some parents, but my DD paints a false picture of me to her friends, so they barely talk to me, even when I try. And just 2 weeks ago, her ex bestie contacted me for help getting her stuff back because my DD was being unreasonable with her. It was a disaster when my DD found out I had texted with  her bestie. You'd think I'd committed a mortal sin the way DD raged at me for listening (by text) to her friend who was just frustrated and wanted her stuff back.

I have been through the very same thing with my dd19.None of her friends have ever come to me with exception of exbf and then that was to speak on dds behalf claiming that i was too strict with her. That was when they first met and he had no idea about the r/s rollercoaster he was about to get on. Cup, i havent personally asked dd's friends for any views on her behaviour. I try to stay out of the drama... Eventuallly they all seem to disappear for one reason or another... .my guess, lies, sleeping with others b/fs, manipulation.unanswered calls, texts etc... .I know that she told a load of lies about some girls at school to try to break their group up and that made her an outsider for quite a while.

Healingspirit the similiarity of the  breakup of dd and her exbff is astonishing

.From what I was told my dd's  exbff also wanted her things back but by then was so scared of dd that she wanted a third person to collect her things rather than see dd again.I would have loved the chance to have  spoken to this girl to find out what the cause of the breakup of their friendship was but never got the chance, but It didnt suprise me when it ended just the way it ended. I did see a lot of manipulation  by my dd of this girl when they were friends and  my dd just seem to barley tolerate her being around.She used to speak to her like she was always annoyed with her which i used to think was weird that this girl never picked up on.She was a lovely girl who didnt seem to have many other friends and my dd knew this.I would have loved to have spoken to her when i found out their friendship had ended just to find out what her future plans were and not so much anythig to do with my dd, but  I think if i had got the chance to call her it probably would have  freaked her out as iam sure with all  dd had probably said her about us by then she probably had the belief by then  that we all (dd's family)operate in the same manner.

[.cup.car]

You have great parenting instincts, .cup.car.  It's the BPD that has us all stumped.

Keep in mind I'm 21 and don't want kids, so this comment is a bit surprising. I really only post on this section to give parents some insight as to how their pwBPD's peers feel about them. Again, I want to reinforce that my ex told enough "daddy hits me" stories to fill a binder, and the only reason I played along with it was to prevent the meltdowns you all have described. Kids are smart these days and can piece it together pretty well that something about your child's stories don't add up.

Not all of them will help. Social circles change weekly in high school and not everybody is obligated to help with such a personal issue, so not everybody is going to care in the long run if she's just another girl in somebody else's Chemistry class. On the other hand, I met my ex in one of those RTC programs y'all talk about in other threads - within mere hours of meeting each other we'd already shared deeply personal issues with each other, and the relationship spawned basically because we found out we could lean on each other. That sort of connection between a pwBPD and a non is basically what you want to look for in your child's group of peers, as they are going to be the most likely person to try and help or have an interest in your child's long-term well being.

Even as it's become a criminal matter and under police investigation, I'd still have no problem with my ex's family/friends reaching out to me and asking questions. In fact, even as her father made empty threats about pressing charges on me (did a quick Google and he's a pretty big name at one of the local universities, HOW DARE SOMEONE EXPOSE HIS DAUGHTER'S DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR), I still responded with a lengthy message explaining his daughter needed professional help and that I was willing to cooperate on my end to make it happen. Like I said, because of where we met and how we were exposed to each others issues the day we met each other, as well as how long things have spiralled out of control between us, I'd have no problem with them asking questions - I obviously know and have seen some things that they haven't. As a parent, your goal should be to try and find someone like me, whos been around for a couple of years and has an attachment beyond "I'm in the same class as her." That dude/girl might be able to help you.

I think it's interesting that your children don't invite friends over constantly to prove their side of the story. For example, my mom most likely has BPD, and my dad has other undiagnosed problems, but unfortunately they were both well-respected at my high school and I was afraid people wouldn't believe if I told people what was going on behind closed doors. So instead of just telling my friends that things weren't going well at home, I found myself inviting my buddies over EVEN MORE, just to demonstrate the bizarre behavior my folks put on display when they weren't out in public. After a while, I didn't HAVE to tell stories, my friends told them for me. At one point my dad made threats toward a friend whose name he didn't even know, and stole something out of his truck within minutes of meeting the kid for the first time, all before 11am that day. I could give more examples, but that's gonna derail the thread. If they're not inviting friends over, it's a form of damage control - they don't want any evidence that goes against their side of the story. If they were really convinced they were abusing you, there'd be a pack of kids over at all hours of the day, for the sole purpose of spectating and to back up your kid's side of the story.

[Sstepdad]

My d is 16 (17 in Oct), her bf is 29. (Long story, on a diff thread)

Does it feel different when it is the boy that is the teen?

I think some people are more forgiving on the gender bias when the male is the young one, I do not feel that way, he is at the crossroads of his future, a short term decision like dropping out will have long term consequences and I have no doubt she will move on in a month or two.

We have talked to some of her friends, not really friends anymore and yes she tell some crazy stuff about us. At one time SD decided she was a lesbian she put that girl though the wringer she came over several times crying after SD dumped her and drained a few thousand out of her.

We are just tired and worn out from the drama.