RECYCLE COMING- advice needed

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, my ex and I were together for four years and have a two year old son together. As you all know the BPD dynamics, were on off on off etc. etc.

Of course I’m 100% to blame for the end of the relationship, it ended on 23rd May 2014. Since then she has had sex with two men, she went abroad on vacation for four days with a man she had only met ONCE and had a drink with! He was a psychiatrist and realised she was unstable and dumped her.

She is a med student and has been in Africa for three weeks helping infants, she has another week left. Before she left I helped her out with logistics, after all she is my sons mother.

Two days before she was let go by the guy, she painted me black the whole time. Of course, he dumps her and I’m back to white again.

One thing lead to another and we had sex the night before she left. The relationship always went bad, accusations of me cheating, withdrawing affection, barely speaking to me. It always goes wrong.

Since she been away she has been telling me she loves me, misses me. Asking to spend time together as a family on her return.

I still love the person she can be but that person doesn’t come out very often anymore. She suggested couples counselling as she refuses to accept she is BPD. Would couples counselling help?

In my heart I KNOW that the relationship will never improve, she will never take responsibility for anything and it’s constantly on drama after another that I have to bail her out of!

I know that if we get back together we WILL break up again, I’m 29 now and a fit guy, I fear getting back together with her only to break up when I’m fat and grey!

Please give me some advice?

[londonD]

So, my ex and I were together for four years and have a two year old son together. As you all know the BPD dynamics, were on off on off etc. etc.

Of course I’m 100% to blame for the end of the relationship, it ended on 23rd May 2014. Since then she has had sex with two men, she went abroad on vacation for four days with a man she had only met ONCE and had a drink with! He was a psychiatrist and realised she was unstable and dumped her.

She is a med student and has been in Africa for three weeks helping infants, she has another week left. Before she left I helped her out with logistics, after all she is my sons mother.

Two days before she was let go by the guy, she painted me black the whole time. Of course, he dumps her and I’m back to white again.

One thing lead to another and we had sex the night before she left. The relationship always went bad, accusations of me cheating, withdrawing affection, barely speaking to me. It always goes wrong.

Since she been away she has been telling me she loves me, misses me. Asking to spend time together as a family on her return.

I still love the person she can be but that person doesn’t come out very often anymore. She suggested couples counselling as she refuses to accept she is BPD. Would couples counselling help?

In my heart I KNOW that the relationship will never improve, she will never take responsibility for anything and it’s constantly on drama after another that I have to bail her out of!

I know that if we get back together we WILL break up again, I’m 29 now and a fit guy, I fear getting back together with her only to break up when I’m fat and grey!

Please give me some advice?

[elessar]

Few years back when my ex recycled me after 4 years, she used to complain that she is probably schizophrenic or bipolar, and would beg me to take her for therapy. But she would always back down. After a year of hell, I started researching symptoms online and came across BPD. I told her. She even accepted it! And she finally went for counseling! Except, after the first session she told me "my counselor said nothing is wrong with me." Third session she went with her abusive parents, who didn't let anyone else speak, mentioned all their complaints about her (how their 28 year old daughter isn't 100% obedient to them). Fourth session I went with her. It was a shocker. She had weaved tales about me that took me half an hour to deny to the therapist. That's when that lady realized she had gotten a lot of things wrong about my ex. Eventually the session ended with the therapist telling my ex that the problem stems from her home, not with me. We verbally agreed to more counseling, but that was the last day my ex ever went for help or ever admitted anything is wrong with her. Since then I became the villain who called her a PD person.

My fear about your couples counseling is that she is trying to gang up with the counselor and show you that you are wrong. If she refuses to accept any blame, she is probably hoping that the therapist will validate her. I am not sure if it will help. But only way to find out is by going once or twice?

[londonD]

Few years back when my ex recycled me after 4 years, she used to complain that she is probably schizophrenic or bipolar, and would beg me to take her for therapy. But she would always back down. After a year of hell, I started researching symptoms online and came across BPD. I told her. She even accepted it! And she finally went for counseling! Except, after the first session she told me "my counselor said nothing is wrong with me." Third session she went with her abusive parents, who didn't let anyone else speak, mentioned all their complaints about her (how their 28 year old daughter isn't 100% obedient to them). Fourth session I went with her. It was a shocker. She had weaved tales about me that took me half an hour to deny to the therapist. That's when that lady realized she had gotten a lot of things wrong about my ex. Eventually the session ended with the therapist telling my ex that the problem stems from her home, not with me. We verbally agreed to more counseling, but that was the last day my ex ever went for help or ever admitted anything is wrong with her. Since then I became the villain who called her a PD person.

My fear about your couples counseling is that she is trying to gang up with the counselor and show you that you are wrong. If she refuses to accept any blame, she is probably hoping that the therapist will validate her. I am not sure if it will help. But only way to find out is by going once or twice?

I understand exactly what you're saying. She never accepts responsibility for anything, its always someone else's fault. The doctor in the hospital was wrong, the post she backed into was in a silly place, I wound her up etc. etc.

She will most probably pull the wool over the counselors eyes and paint me out to be abusive.

She only says she loves me because she has no other guys. She says things like "there's a lot of work to do", "there is no quick fix to the problems". Its like her saying "I love you, miss you but don't think it'll work"

Like shes saying these things to keep me on her thread because she needs me. I've been booking flights for her while in Africa as the internet is scarce out there among other things.

I know that if I show any interest in return, start telling her I love her, she will push me away and say "I need space", "its all too fast"

It makes me want to play games back and show indifference so she chases me!

[elessar]

The game never ends. She will keep playing with you as long as she can. The day she realizes there is nothing more she can get from you, she will turn to someone else.

Oh, mine chased me this spring through early summer. She chased hard. Last month when I finally said "I love you", later that night she revealed she is marrying someone else. 10 years... .poof.

My T asked me yesterday - do you want to keep playing her game if she contacts you in the future.

Its something you have to ask yourself. It makes it harder for you because you two share a kid. All I can say is, do not let her cross your boundaries.

[londonD]

The game never ends. She will keep playing with you as long as she can. The day she realizes there is nothing more she can get from you, she will turn to someone else.

Oh, mine chased me this spring through early summer. She chased hard. Last month when I finally said "I love you", later that night she revealed she is marrying someone else. 10 years... .poof.

My T asked me yesterday - do you want to keep playing her game if she contacts you in the future.

Its something you have to ask yourself. It makes it harder for you because you two share a kid. All I can say is, do not let her cross your boundaries.

Thanks for this... She's chasing me because

1. she has no other men on the hook

2. I'm letting her

3. she needed my assistance while in Africa

If I reciprocate she will pull back and tell me "it wont work". If I act indifferent she will chase me.

I know its wrong but I want to play her at her own game. Make her chase me, feel for me again, so I can pull back!