CoDA?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Does anyone here have experience with codependents anonymous? Is it something that could be helpful as an addition to individual therapy and supportive friends and family? I really want to move past my BPD relationship and not repeat the cycle and get in another unhealthy relationship.

Thanks.

[rg1976]

Does anyone here have experience with codependents anonymous? Is it something that could be helpful as an addition to individual therapy and supportive friends and family? I really want to move past my BPD relationship and not repeat the cycle and get in another unhealthy relationship.

Thanks.

[Traumatized]

During one of the separations from my ex I attended a few coda meetings.  They are ok.  It's a 3 minute chance for you to express what's going on in your life and you get to hear from others who are also struggling with co-dependency what going on in there's.  The one thing I didn't like about it was that I didn't feel like I was learning how to actually overcome co-dependency.  There's a group leader, but no teacher to teach you how you can fix your life.  With that said, I think it's worth checking out.  Go to a few meetings and make your own judgment.

You can also read books on co-dependency like, "Codependent no more."  That's a good one.

[Loveofhislife]

My experience has been that experience IS the best teacher. I worked with a woman who was a CODA leader, and she could call me out on stuff better than anyone I had ever met, I.e.  "Here comes a rescue." As well, she identified how I gravitated to the pwNPD in our office, and said they would show up, and my inner child came out. Interesting learning; I may check out a CODA group myself.

[Cocoon]

Your CoDA curiosity makes sense. I've been a member of Al-anon for 20 years (Al-anon - for the loved ones of the alcoholic/addict), and served as a Group Representative for a year for our group. CoDA is also focused on the codependent/enabler.  There are online meetings too, if you can't physically make a meeting.

Al-anon (and open A.A. meetings) for me feels like... .walking in with heavy big problems on my shoulders, feeling like an alien, like no one would understand what I've gone through. Then you are silent, and listen to a mother struggling with an adult child addict, freshly institutionalized, or a suicide, or... .it helps me get perspective. My emotional toolkit has really increased too. I have witnessed over a decade or more, people grow and change in the program. I have as well.

Codependent/enablers are just as messed up as the alcoholic/addict, in my opinion. And codependency can impact us heavily in other areas of our life, our work, family, etc.

I'll share an audio link below, from Mary Pearl of Arkansas, sharing her path of recovery as Al-anon member. My Al-anon knowledge has VERY helpful in handling my exBPD.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlI4TaVDmuw

If you want more "speaker tapes" as we used to call them in 12 step (they're all MP3 files now!) I'll share this page. Search "alanon" in the search box when you get there:

XA Speakers - audios of 12 step speaker files (thousands of them!) www.xa-speakers.org/

Again, Mary Pearl is my favorite speaker. This can give you a chance to hear what 12 step is, and know that my recovery is different than your recovery, we may take different paths. We Alanon-ers walk the 12 steps ourselves, and follow the same program of rigorous honesty. You learn about your own character defects, and how to accept and work with them.

Also - if you attend CoDA mtgs, Al-anon meetings - try a few meetings. Each will have a different flavor, and you can find one that fits by trying a few.

I'll share one more link - ":)etachment with Love" is probably the most popular Al-anon flyer it's one of my faves. Here's a link to it:

Detachment with Love Al-anon flyer - www.sk-alanon.ca/pdfs/S19.pdf

Take what you like, leave the rest.

[Cocoon]

P.S. - Many with mental illness use drugs and alcohol (OR compulsive behaviors such as sex, eating, gambling, etc) to "self medicate."  They use the addiction to soothe their mental illness. 

Many times the mental illness and the addiction lines blur, and it's hard to know where one starts and the other ends.  I've found my 12 step background really helpful while sorting through the issues with my ex.

[levelup]

I've been attending weekly CODA meetings for about a year.

Codependency and BP are like magnets in personalities that are drawn to each other, and when put together in a relationship,  have the potential to bring out the worst in each.

CODA has helped me understand that my uBPDw did not cause me to be codependent, and to recognize how being codependent affected other unrelated aspects of my life (but at a much lower intensity).

Being able to take ownership of that aspect of myself,  rather than relying on blaming my wife for everything that ever went wrong, really helped me in dealing with her (actually by realizing that the best thing for me is to not deal with her),  but also to re-evaluate other aspects of my life.  Hopefully, it will put me on a path to having a better life overall, and to also prepare me for future relationships.