My birthday ignored

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I prepared myself. After no contact for two months I figured that I wouldn't hear from her on my birthday. My therapist told me to focus on all of the people who are remembering my birthday. So I did. I must've had 100 Facebook birthday wishes. And I spent time responding to each and every one of them in an effort to really be present in the moment with the people who really do care about me. And now today I'm feeling a little hung over from the absence of my BPD's lack of remembrance. It is so interesting to me that last year she was so offended that my work got in the way of my spending an entire day with her on her birthday. This disorder is just absolutely amazing. Even an ex of mine from 15 years ago (who are or we're not pwBPD) sent me birthday greetings on my Facebook page yesterday. What is it about these BPD ass***s? How old are we people? Most people would just walk away. Why do I stay stuck? What is it about people like us who stay completely stuck wanting, needing, wishing?

[KeepOnGoing]

I prepared myself. After no contact for two months I figured that I wouldn't hear from her on my birthday. My therapist told me to focus on all of the people who are remembering my birthday. So I did. I must've had 100 Facebook birthday wishes. And I spent time responding to each and every one of them in an effort to really be present in the moment with the people who really do care about me. And now today I'm feeling a little hung over from the absence of my BPD's lack of remembrance. It is so interesting to me that last year she was so offended that my work got in the way of my spending an entire day with her on her birthday. This disorder is just absolutely amazing. Even an ex of mine from 15 years ago (who are or we're not pwBPD) sent me birthday greetings on my Facebook page yesterday. What is it about these BPD ass***s? How old are we people? Most people would just walk away. Why do I stay stuck? What is it about people like us who stay completely stuck wanting, needing, wishing?

[freedom33]

Better to be ignored than to be remembered or even worse to spend it with people like that. At least in the way I spent mine last year with her. For her bday I had prepared a surprise birthday cake that was brought by the waiter at a cafe we met, 4-5 gifts and cinema dining that I knew she wanted. She said it was one of the best birthdays she ever had.

What was the 'thank you' I received?

She did not come to my bday party that was the night before my bday as she was angry with me (a lot of fighting during the previous days). On the day of my birthday she texted saying she had planned something for me asking me to meet her. I met her and to my surprise she came over with a group of friends from her birth town (who I didn't knew... .) as they all wanted to see a play in the big city that we both live. And my gift especially planned for me was to be allowed to go with her friends to see this play. Also there was a ticket for all but one (guess why?) so her friends got in and we had to wait outside the box office for cancellations. We got in in the end. Then she said they were going to a bar with her friends and if I wanted I could join. At any rate in the end we ended up back to her place and she asked me to start moving stuff around like couches at 11pm in the night. I did some and then I stopped and said it is late and it is my bday she made a scene.

Just writing all this I realise what a doormat I have been.

At any rate - 2 month and you are well on your way to recovery. Keep it up

[KeepOnGoing]

Better to be ignored than to be remembered or even worse to spend it with people like that. At least in the way I spent mine last year with her. For her bday I had prepared a surprise birthday cake that was brought by the waiter at a cafe we met, 4-5 gifts and cinema dining that I knew she wanted. She said it was one of the best birthdays she ever had.

What was the 'thank you' I received?

She did not come to my bday party that was the night before my bday as she was angry with me (a lot of fighting during the previous days). On the day of my birthday she texted saying she had planned something for me asking me to meet her. I met her and to my surprise she came over with a group of friends from her birth town (who I didn't knew... .) as they all wanted to see a play in the big city that we both live. And my gift especially planned for me was to be allowed to go with her friends to see this play. Also there was a ticket for all but one (guess why?) so her friends got in and we had to wait outside the box office for cancellations. We got in in the end. Then she said they were going to a bar with her friends and if I wanted I could join. At any rate in the end we ended up back to her place and she asked me to start moving stuff around like couches at 11pm in the night. I did some and then I stopped and said it is late and it is my bday she made a scene.

Just writing all this I realise what a doormat I have been.

At any rate - 2 month and you are well on your way to recovery. Keep it up

Well, thanks. Freedom. I'm trying to remember what she did for my last birthday, and I can't, so it must not have been memorable! I do remember one Christmas the best she could do was give me a piece of fabric, a rusty piece of metal that resembled a cross, some insense sprinkled on top, and it was all put in a cute metal box. It was meaningful, and did mean a lot to me in that I knew she was having a horrible time (as-always). The point is, I really didn't need anything. I just wanted to spend time with her. I just wanted to be seen! She did, too. So neither one of us could ever be "enough" I suppose. Either way, a birthday card would have been nice. How do you go from being so close to being so freaking distant? I am so sorry to hear about you birthday disaster. If it helps, Happy Belated Birthday to you! Have a do-over and throw yourself a party!

[freedom33]

I know what you mean about just want to be seen. It's not about stuff or what she would have done or bought for me. For me a simple dinner - anywhere with her - would have been ok. Even if she cooked something at her place and invited me over. That would have been fine more than enough. Being ignored and humiliated is what hurts.

I remember the birthday I had the year before with another girl I was with. What a lovely time we had. Simple dinner at a simple restaurant with some live music. Need to remind ourselves that there are other healthy people out there waiting to be found and waiting to find people like us.

Thanks for the belated birthday wishes! And happy birthday to you too!

[free-n-clear]

Need to remind ourselves that there are other healthy people out there waiting to be found and waiting to find people like us.

   Amen to that. My uBPDxgf always seemed to be at her worst on special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. I suspect that it ties in with the whole abandonment complex somehow. Maybe she never had a birthday party as a kid.

[freedom33]

Maybe she never had a birthday party as a kid.

I never had a birthday party as a kid that I can remember either - well I had maybe one or two when I was 5 and 6 as I have seen photos but I can't remember anything memorable. But now I am a grown up and I can offer to myself and the wounded little child within me what my parents couldn't offer me. I did fail miserably to protect that child from my ex's abuse though. I promise myself never again.

[RisingSun]

Most people would just walk away. Why do I stay stuck? What is it about people like us who stay completely stuck wanting, needing, wishing?

You had what sounds like a traumatic relationship with this person. Trauma is what bonds us to them. Also, it's a real mind twister to be with someone PD'd.

This confusion further binds us to them. Try to be thankful that they're gone. Your life is better without them screwing with your head and emotions.

The last time I spoke with my stbxw was on my birthday two and a half months ago. NC was a gift to myself.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Stockholm Syndrome, basically, or better described as Complex-PTSD. That's what the idealization then devaluation leaves us in. Because not only did we have some delusional perfect love but then our self esteem its destroyed.

[Amina]

After 5 years of knowing an undiagnosed Cluster B, sometimes they show up for holidays, birthdays, etc., sometimes they don't.  Sometimes they can't even show up for their own-- such as throwing a tantrum on their own birthday when you are taking them out to wherever they want to go.