My list that I cant go back because...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I wasn't allowed to see my mum and dad for 9 + months

I was made to believe that I wasn't good enough for anyone/anything

I was forced into alienating everyone in my life that was good for me

I was triangulated with work colleagues, including my boss

I have lost so many friends, all of them apart from 3, they withdraw from me as well so I have had to reconnect. 

I was made out to be a bad father

I have been accused of being 'gay' and in a civil union (told EVERYONE)

I have been alienated form my son

I have had me seeing a psychologist devalued

I have had my psychologist harassed by her

I had to sleep in the car to get sleep when I was living with her

I wasn't allowed in my own house at times

I have been triangulated with all her new next door neighbours, they all give me the evil eye

I have had everything possible done to stop me seeing and being involved in my sons life

my son has been re-fathered with another man

my son went on holidays for 5 weeks with this other man

my son has swimming lessons with this other man

my son has his haircut with this other man

my son was in the same room when she was sleeping with this other man

my son has been neglected medically

my son has been used to manipulate me

my son has been put in the middle every bloody time

my son hasn't had dinner with me in 14 months

my son is spending fathers day with the other man

my son hasn't had breakfast with me in 14 months

[Aussie JJ]

I wasn't allowed to see my mum and dad for 9 + months

I was made to believe that I wasn't good enough for anyone/anything

I was forced into alienating everyone in my life that was good for me

I was triangulated with work colleagues, including my boss

I have lost so many friends, all of them apart from 3, they withdraw from me as well so I have had to reconnect. 

I was made out to be a bad father

I have been accused of being 'gay' and in a civil union (told EVERYONE)

I have been alienated form my son

I have had me seeing a psychologist devalued

I have had my psychologist harassed by her

I had to sleep in the car to get sleep when I was living with her

I wasn't allowed in my own house at times

I have been triangulated with all her new next door neighbours, they all give me the evil eye

I have had everything possible done to stop me seeing and being involved in my sons life

my son has been re-fathered with another man

my son went on holidays for 5 weeks with this other man

my son has swimming lessons with this other man

my son has his haircut with this other man

my son was in the same room when she was sleeping with this other man

my son has been neglected medically

my son has been used to manipulate me

my son has been put in the middle every bloody time

my son hasn't had dinner with me in 14 months

my son is spending fathers day with the other man

my son hasn't had breakfast with me in 14 months

[Aussie JJ]

and last but not least

If I go back my son will know no different. 

[KeepOnGoing]

This is a list of profound awareness. Stick this up on a mirror to remind yourself should you ever become confused, as I often do. Keep working with your therapist. Stick close to those who are on your side. Hang in there. You are getting better, and your life will improve if you stay away from the pwBPD. Best of luck to you, my friend. Keep posting.

[Recooperating]

Wow Aussie JJ, i am so sorry to hear about the way she alienated your son from you! I cant even imagine how hard that must be for you! 

My list, I cant go back because:

- In our r/s he had 2 children (none of them are mine) and he has no part in either of there lives.

- He treated me like crap, disrespected me every chance he got

- made me feel worthless and I lost all confidence

- Did anything to alienate my friends from me

- accused me of sleeping with all my friends

- accused me of attending orgies (i went to a spa)

- accused me of being a lesbian, having an affair with my best friend

- called me horrible names

- accused me of sleeping around (knowing I have intimacy issues, cant sleep with strangers due to being molested at young age)

- said I didnt have intimacy issues cause of molestation, but because I was a cold hearted b*tch

- lived of of my pocket, not doing a thing to make a living. Now he's doing ok and I am broke

- black painted his exwife, horrible stories, none of it was true.

- manipulated me in terrible ways

- made me call him every minute of the day

- cheated with several women

- cheated with one woman for 3 months, moved in with her to save money on rent, doing me a favor... .(We didnt live close together)

- turned to me when this woman kicked him out. He said he tried to kill herself and him too. I ended up paying a hotelroom and part of his rent for a new appartment.

- was never there for me

- made me feel horrible if I had friends over or went out with friends

- threw temper tantrums over the smallest idiotic things

- threathned to kill himself. Pretended he did. Left me in shock, I called 911, he opened the door for the police with a big smile... .

- had me engaged in several physicall fights. I ended up flying through the room trying to stop him from killing himself

- created drama where ever he could

- never took responsibilty for anything in his life

- promised me he would change, he would get help, he would NEVER do it again... .

- drained me physically, emotionally, financially

- recycled to the woman he cheated with 2 weeks after break up, 2 weeks before we were suppose to get married

- made me live in fear, in stress

- tried to make me believe no one would ever love me. I wasnt worthy

- actually; didnt love me... .Just needed me

- wasnt able to tell the truth. Everything he said was a lie.

- he would send me pictures of him and other women that would hit on him... .He never did anything he said... .He just wanted to share... .And not hide anything from me... .Sure... .

And there's so much more... .

Thank you Aussie JJ... .I was feeling sad today, this was very helpfull!

[freedom33]

Here is a brief list:

I only exist as a tool to serve her needs - Used and abused is a nice term here

When she gets what she wants she devalues me - when she doesnt get what she wants she punishes me. Except during the honeymoons (various breakups) period

She doesn't care for me as a human being

My needs dont count

She has no empathy

There is no future - if I had a family with her it would be constant torment to me and my kids

She has called me various names and undermined my confidence (which wasnt great to start with)

Thrown things at me at public places

Humiliated me in front of colleagues at work

Flirted, triangulated (and possibly cheated) and when I reacted went to the same people that she flirted with for support... .

No boundaries - Has contacted my own friends behind my back - three different people - and talked to them bad about me how mean I was etc.

[Infared]

Mine is much shorter:

-She incessantly lied, to me , her parents, her therapist, her new supply, any and everyone.

-She cheated on me for a prolonged period.

-Ran off with a days notice.

-Turned into someone that I never met after leaving.

-Repeatedly acted out in public with and without her new supply in a way to emotionally harm me, while clearly enjoying what she was doing.

Sick stuff.

Absolute NC was my only solution for sanity.

Not easy.

[BuildingFromScratch]

1) She destroyed every piece of my soul

2) She let me take all the blame

3) She hit me and shrieked, and I cried and she kept doing it

4) She randomly stopped loving me with no explanation

5) I've lost most of my friends from being with her

6) 'Cause screw her

7) I've most likely got PTSD

8) 'Cause screw her

[biglearningcurve]

I had a list 4 pages long in my journal of all the reasons I should not re engage with him.

I did re engage as soon as he contacted me

I burnt the list

I am coming to understand the powerful  compulsion I have to be with him and what I need to do to make myself stronger so I do not re engage again.

Listing all his negative qualities and influence's did nothing to stop me.

Any tried and true strategies would be welcome .

[Loveofhislife]

Aussie JJ--I ache at the thought of your being alienated from your son. There are some pretty hard fast rules about that in the US, and most states require 50-50 custody. There are more extreme measures like having her proved mentally incompetent. The process is horrifying especially when you already have been violated by an abuser who I'm sure has weakened your resolve. It took me nearly a month to follow up on any of the concrete protective orders I needed to follow up on. Your example makes me want to write a similar list; I've been missing him a lot today since I received some very upbeat texts and went to some of the places we used to go. However, I elaborated on another post earlier that my #1. Reason is that the stress of having exbfBPD in my life is literally killing me, as I was diagnosed with a rare and debilitating disorder that is 100% the result of stress caused by unrelenting trauma and psychological abuse. 

[Visitor]

Any tried and true strategies would be welcome

No Contact

[hergestridge]

I can't go back because

My wife did not know how to be happy with me because of her illness and she didn't allow me to be happy without her because she was a big jealous child.

My wife mimicked a soulmate but it was a charade. She learnt just enough about me and my world to make an impression and take a place by my side. Towards the end of our 20yr relationship I poked the bit under the surface and she what I found was a soulless doppleganger (which explained some of the excentricities throughout the years). I never had a relationship with her and I can never have one.

Love comes from growing attached to someone. I was very attached to the person she was on a good day. But a year ago when she was hospitalized I felt such a relief. I remember going to pick her up at the psych ward and thinking to myself "Why don't they keep her?". I had a couple of good night's sleep there.

Fast forward a couple of months she said she was going to leave me because of something stupid - a voice inside me said "... .go ahead then! Do it!".

Then in june she left me. After a week I panicked and asked her to come back. She declined. There was this voice again; "Leave it be - let her go!".

I listen to that voice.

[freedom33]

There was this voice again; "Leave it be - let her go!".

I listen to that voice.

I had a voice too telling me something similar in month 4 after she said something hurtful in front of me to someone else and then tried to gaslight me and completely denied it. This was a really big  and I couldnt believe how she wouldnt take responsibility. I mean I was in front of her and heard it. So I heard this voice saying 'now is the time to end this'. I didn't I listen to that voice. I went back at my place with her. She kept gaslighting me that evening and I eventually broke down into a helpness state, that was the worst night of my life.

Listen to that voice buddy!