Has anyone ever had a successful friendship after the breakup?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I broke up with my ex last October. She contacted me in December and then through out the spring saying she needed me in her life. I resisted and told her reasonable reasons why friendship was not possible. Doesn't help that we work together. I gave him when she used my weakness against me. She said she may have cancer and I fell for it. Went back to taking care if get for awhile. Was a total nightmare. She actually accused me of stringing her along and making her suffer "emotional and physical pain beyond imagination". A month ago I told her that's it. I told her I couldn't stand anything about her and that she was crazy making and self centered. She said she would leave me alone. I challenged her on that and said I bet u contact me in 7-10 days even your triggered and u need something. I challenged her pride and do far so good. She's been bad mouthing me at work but I won't engage her. I won't give her the satisfaction. I would be shocked if she ever contacts me again.

[nyfit1]

I broke up with my ex last October. She contacted me in December and then through out the spring saying she needed me in her life. I resisted and told her reasonable reasons why friendship was not possible. Doesn't help that we work together. I gave him when she used my weakness against me. She said she may have cancer and I fell for it. Went back to taking care if get for awhile. Was a total nightmare. She actually accused me of stringing her along and making her suffer "emotional and physical pain beyond imagination". A month ago I told her that's it. I told her I couldn't stand anything about her and that she was crazy making and self centered. She said she would leave me alone. I challenged her on that and said I bet u contact me in 7-10 days even your triggered and u need something. I challenged her pride and do far so good. She's been bad mouthing me at work but I won't engage her. I won't give her the satisfaction. I would be shocked if she ever contacts me again.

[lm911]

If it is possible - then it is not a BPD. Either you are her lover and the one and only or you are the worst person ever painted in black.

[nyfit1]

Has anyone even heard of anyone being able to be friends afterwards? I don't get what would make then paint u white again if you've had no contact

[lm911]

They paint you white, because they need you again to be their caregiver and lover. There is no grey, always white or black.

[Infern0]

No,  she wanted to be friends but just from my last 6 months of interaction with her i knew what that would entail. Me being her manservant and keeping her entertained while her boyfriend was busy. Not for me thanks. I said I only wanted to see her if she wanted more than friends and was painted black.

A friendship with one of these people isn't possible because there's no respect from them

[hergestridge]

A friendship with one of these people isn't possible because there's no respect from them

There's exactly that. A kind of semi-respect can be acheived by keeping a distance.

The boundary-crossing begins with the friendship.

I do all I can to keep my xwife from trying to establishing friendship with me. I don't answer the phone when she calls. I only answer texts, and only if they're about something important. All this has to be done carefully so that I don't reject her outright, because that would mean trouble (we have a daugher and shared custody).

Friendship to a BPD is like booze to an alcoholic. They can't handle it, not even a tiny, little bit... .

[camuse]

Mine was DESPERATE to be friends, said she couldnt live without me and had thought about jumping in front of a train at the thought of it. I was the most amazing person she ever met and she couldnt live without my friendship. She could live without the relationship though, since she destroyed and ended it.

I didnt want to be friends, but she made me feel guilty about that and I gave it a go.

Turned out the friendship consisted of the following:

1. Doing stuff for her, giving her lifts and lending her money

2. Listening to her go on and on and on about what a terrible boyfriend I was

3. Re-writing history including suggesting I had forced her to have sex against her will - I didn't accept that one and she took it back

4. Not hearing from her for days, when she was I believe with the guy who turned out to be my replacement, only to hear from her literally 10 times a day on other days - when I believe he was away.

5. Demanding to see my phone and know if I had dated anyone new or slept with anyone

6. Suggesting we would be happy ever one day after if only I could prove I was a good friend

7. Telling me she no longer found others attractive and was still in love with me and definitely wouldn't be with anyone else for at least a few years

I came to realise that I felt much better on the days when she wasn't in contact, and when she turned up again and began phoning all day and night to moan at me, I felt like rubbish. About 3 or 4 times I told her I did not want to be friends, but she would suck me back in. In the end I simply stopped responding to her, and she got the message and I didn't hear from her for several weeks. Then I contacted her and the responses were now cold and bitter, I had been painted black and she was with the replacement. Im pleased I stopped being friends before this happened - I think I got out just in the nick of time.

She has no concept of friendship. She had no friends when I was with her, NONE. She had some "amazing" old friends from college 10 years ago who she virtually never saw in the last few years, and started hanging out with them after we split. When they see her for what she is, and the replacement hopefully acts wiser than me and gets rid when the madness starts, she is going to be very lonely indeed. Fortunately there is no way for her to contact me now so a recycle of me simply isnt possible.

These people don't do friendship - they are 100% about themselves, pure parasitic users, plain and simple. They dont even know what friendship means.

[Tater tot]

I'm questioning this myself. As much as I'd like to believe its possible, I doubt it. First I question why I want the friendship, and it probably has a lot to do with hoping to re-create that initial connection that entailed openness, vulnerability and idolization on their end and to know that on some level I mattered to him, like he mattered to me. Does this person get anything out of friendships, maybe, but if your ex is anything mine, they don't have friendships. At least not long lasting deep friendships that have maintained through the years, most people in their life are recent acquaintances.  I would love to know if someone was able to salvage a friendship.

[Witchway]

I tried to remain friends but he just upped the ante with regards manipulation and then denial. Whether lovers or friends... .the rollercoaster continues. If you want clamness, a clear head and mental stability stop the ride and get off.

[Pieter2]

Don't do it  -There are simply no reasons to be friends with someone who will only see you when they need you.

[patientandclear]

I gave it a good long run and detailed the resulting agony on this and the Staying board in fall 2012 to fall 2013  

I was utterly sincere. I wasn't trying to rekindle a romance. I'd come out of 10 months of pristine NC in which I worked and worked to depersonalize what had happened, including him going from me being the one he wanted to go through time with, to him remembering that actually, his ex-gf (my much younger and very beautiful coworker) was actually the love of his life. Fun! Anyway I dealt with that in record time. Wanted to salvage all that was good btwn us even if he could not maintain a romantic r/s because triggers are everywhere. I was clear what I was doing.

What I was not prepared for (are you listening Willy45?) was for HIM to plunge back in as if I were a tall glass of water and he was dying of thirst. We got so close emotionally. Then ... .Out of the blue he announced he wanted to be friends only. I hadn't proposed anything else so that was weird and felt like gratuitous rejection. With distance and therapy I can see he was panicky about our closeness and needed that line in order to go deeper emotionally. Which he proceeded to do.  I was OK with this because I know he is a trauma victim and I thought maybe this was the only way to establish trust--to not ask him for anything more than he cn willingly give, to show I was OK with that.  That worked for a time ... .But what I got was not what it seemed.

We went some amazing places together mentally, emotionally, geographically. But then he suddenly moved ... .And though we met up in various places, and all still seemed wonderful, he shortly began seeing other women, and suddenly, I was no longer his primary person.  When he broke up with someone he was all over me again, and when he started seeing someone new, much less so. You might say that's normal for friendships when one of the friends is in a new r/ship, but this was no ordinary friendship. I eventually felt he had been using me with no accountability for the bonds we created by being so close. It was horrible. I felt he'd found yet another way to leave me ... .

That's one friendship story in a nutshell. I had to go through it to learn how he would treat me and what I meant to him I guess. I meant a lot--I was very useful. In the end his primary loyalty would never be to me though. I know it hurt him a lot when I objected to and withdrew from this secondary role, but it wasn't consistent with all we'd been to each other and what he'd asked from me, and it felt like crap to be used that way.

The pwBPD often wants to keep a close attachment but knows they can't manage a consistent romantic partnership. The friendship is what they offer because they think they can maintain that and thus keep you. If they freak out for a few days they don't have to break up with a friend ... .It seems promising and I tried. But the intensity of the bond doesn't allow for what else they want, which is to be able to set you aside or dial back when it suits them. I can't deal with that assymetry and still be open and loving with the person.

[myself]

We didn't have a successful friendship, period.

It wasn't possible when the realities were so different.

And being close was such a trigger for her.

[Caredverymuch]

I gave it a good long run and detailed the resulting agony on this and the Staying board in fall 2012 to fall 2013  

I was utterly sincere. I wasn't trying to rekindle a romance. I'd come out of 10 months of pristine NC in which I worked and worked to depersonalize what had happened, including him going from me being the one he wanted to go through time with, to him remembering that actually, his ex-gf (my much younger and very beautiful coworker) was actually the love of his life. Fun! Anyway I dealt with that in record time. Wanted to salvage all that was good btwn us even if he could not maintain a romantic r/s because triggers are everywhere. I was clear what I was doing.

What I was not prepared for (are you listening Willy45?) was for HIM to plunge back in as if I were a tall glass of water and he was dying of thirst. We got so close emotionally. Then ... .Out of the blue he announced he wanted to be friends only. I hadn't proposed anything else so that was weird and felt like gratuitous rejection. With distance and therapy I can see he was panicky about our closeness and needed that line in order to go deeper emotionally. Which he proceeded to do.  I was OK with this because I know he is a trauma victim and I thought maybe this was the only way to establish trust--to not ask him for anything more than he cn willingly give, to show I was OK with that.  That worked for a time ... .But what I got was not what it seemed.

We went some amazing places together mentally, emotionally, geographically. But then he suddenly moved ... .And though we met up in various places, and all still seemed wonderful, he shortly began seeing other women, and suddenly, I was no longer his primary person.  When he broke up with someone he was all over me again, and when he started seeing someone new, much less so. You might say that's normal for friendships when one of the friends is in a new r/ship, but this was no ordinary friendship. I eventually felt he had been using me with no accountability for the bonds we created by being so close. It was horrible. I felt he'd found yet another way to leave me ... .

That's one friendship story in a nutshell. I had to go through it to learn how he would treat me and what I meant to him I guess. I meant a lot--I was very useful. In the end his primary loyalty would never be to me though. I know it hurt him a lot when I objected to and withdrew from this secondary role, but it wasn't consistent with all we'd been to each other and what he'd asked from me, and it felt like crap to be used that way.

The pwBPD often wants to keep a close attachment but knows they can't manage a consistent romantic partnership. The friendship is what they offer because they think they can maintain that and thus keep you. If they freak out for a few days they don't have to break up with a friend ... .It seems promising and I tried. But the intensity of the bond doesn't allow for what else they want, which is to be able to set you aside or dial back when it suits them. I can't deal with that assymetry and still be open and loving with the person.

Extremely well stated. Despite the harshness of the statement, you simply cannot be friends with them after the r/s.  For every reason you stated. This is indeed what happens.  And they eventually split you anyway. The same rules apply. Entirely one sided. Very sad.

[BacknthSaddle]

Everything everyone here says is true, and patientandclear's story is particularly salient. I'll just add that, in my limited experience, they don't understand different categories of relationships the way you do. For example, there are things you'd tell a lover or spouse that you wouldn't tell your oldest closest friend. There are things you'd tell your oldest closest friend that you wouldn't tell a new friend or a trusted colleague, and there are things you'd tell those people that you wouldn't tell someone you just met at a party. When my ex wanted to be "friends," I found that emotionally she was treating me the same way she'd always treated me, telling me things she wouldn't tell anyone else in the world as if I was her spouse. When I pointed this out, she said I was "obsessed" and couldn't move past our relationship, whereas I was confused bc this "friendship" she wanted was way more intimate than any friendship I'd had and then any relationship ship she had period.

They don't understand the typical demarcations between relationships. There is either an intense attachment or no attachment. So, as a "friend," you will be treated like the lover you used to be emotionally, except your one feelings and needs will be disregarded, and you could be left in the cold at any time. It can't be a "friendship" as you imagine one, because such niceties are beyond their understanding. There are only attachments, and as a "friend," you are just an attachment she can control. Spend some time with your real friends and remind yourself what a friend is. Then decide if she fits into that category. In guessing she won't.

[Janewhi]

We didn't have a successful friendship, period.

It wasn't possible when the realities were so different.

And being close was such a trigger for her.

Ditto.

[Blimblam]

I have a friend who manages it but anyone who got as hurt as us in here it probably isn't really an option.

[Infern0]

In studying her "friendships" she had two friends who she almost constantly fell out with, she moved in with one for around a month before being kicked out for reasons I don't know. She told me that she always fell out with her friends then ended up buying them expensive gifts to "get them back". I was under the impression these were just b___y users but now I would love to know the other side of the story.

Ah yeah I forgot,  the day after I'd been emotionally devastated by her and had agreed to the friends thing she called me up to complain about her other friend who had told her she doesn't clean up after herself and was concerned because she was always leaving and they never knew where she was. I tried to explain they were probably concerned about her but she'd painted her black,  days after telling me she was the most wonderful person in the world.

Just so much confusion from them, I think the only friends they have are either idealized or just people that don't really care about them and can take them or leave them.

[caprice]

Everything everyone here says is true, and patientandclear's story is particularly salient. I'll just add that, in my limited experience, they don't understand different categories of relationships the way you do. For example, there are things you'd tell a lover or spouse that you wouldn't tell your oldest closest friend. There are things you'd tell your oldest closest friend that you wouldn't tell a new friend or a trusted colleague, and there are things you'd tell those people that you wouldn't tell someone you just met at a party. When my ex wanted to be "friends," I found that emotionally she was treating me the same way she'd always treated me, telling me things she wouldn't tell anyone else in the world as if I was her spouse. When I pointed this out, she said I was "obsessed" and couldn't move past our relationship, whereas I was confused bc this "friendship" she wanted was way more intimate than any friendship I'd had and then any relationship ship she had period.

They don't understand the typical demarcations between relationships. There is either an intense attachment or no attachment. So, as a "friend," you will be treated like the lover you used to be emotionally, except your one feelings and needs will be disregarded, and you could be left in the cold at any time. It can't be a "friendship" as you imagine one, because such niceties are beyond their understanding. There are only attachments, and as a "friend," you are just an attachment she can control. Spend some time with your real friends and remind yourself what a friend is. Then decide if she fits into that category. In guessing she won't.

WOW.  This is such an interesting post to me.  In my case, the ex is NPD so maybe slightly different.  When everything fell apart, he told me that no matter what, we're still friends and will continue to be.  And I vividly recall a few months later me emailing him and saying - "WE can't be friends, you don't know HOW to be a friend - unless I'm giving you something you WANT, you have NO use for me."  He actually shut down at that.

In my case - once we were "friends", he didn't keep me in a deep bond - I was now on the outside.  He didn't tell me personal details about his life.  It was purely superficial.  Almost like he froze me out.  He went from being deep and loving to being cool and aloof.  He couldn't seem to find the middle ground and actually be able to say "Hey how was your day?"  He would make obscure remarks and wait for me to respond.

It was really really weird.  To being so intimate to pretty much strangers.  After all we shared it hurt... .It hurt a lot.  And I realized he was amazingly attentive if you are in his inner circle... .but once you're out... .you're out.  He doesn't care about you.  (Or tries not to anyway.)  I don't know if this is the difference between NPD and BPD or just male and female but that was my experience.

[Tater tot]

Everything everyone here says is true, and patientandclear's story is particularly salient. I'll just add that, in my limited experience, they don't understand different categories of relationships the way you do. For example, there are things you'd tell a lover or spouse that you wouldn't tell your oldest closest friend. There are things you'd tell your oldest closest friend that you wouldn't tell a new friend or a trusted colleague, and there are things you'd tell those people that you wouldn't tell someone you just met at a party. When my ex wanted to be "friends," I found that emotionally she was treating me the same way she'd always treated me, telling me things she wouldn't tell anyone else in the world as if I was her spouse. When I pointed this out, she said I was "obsessed" and couldn't move past our relationship, whereas I was confused bc this "friendship" she wanted was way more intimate than any friendship I'd had and then any relationship ship she had period.

They don't understand the typical demarcations between relationships. There is either an intense attachment or no attachment. So, as a "friend," you will be treated like the lover you used to be emotionally, except your one feelings and needs will be disregarded, and you could be left in the cold at any time. It can't be a "friendship" as you imagine one, because such niceties are beyond their understanding. There are only attachments, and as a "friend," you are just an attachment she can control. Spend some time with your real friends and remind yourself what a friend is. Then decide if she fits into that category. In guessing she won't.

WOW.  This is such an interesting post to me.  In my case, the ex is NPD so maybe slightly different.  When everything fell apart, he told me that no matter what, we're still friends and will continue to be.  And I vividly recall a few months later me emailing him and saying - "WE can't be friends, you don't know HOW to be a friend - unless I'm giving you something you WANT, you have NO use for me."  He actually shut down at that.

In my case - once we were "friends", he didn't keep me in a deep bond - I was now on the outside.  He didn't tell me personal details about his life.  It was purely superficial.  Almost like he froze me out.  He went from being deep and loving to being cool and aloof.  He couldn't seem to find the middle ground and actually be able to say "Hey how was your day?"  He would make obscure remarks and wait for me to respond.

It was really really weird.  To being so intimate to pretty much strangers.  After all we shared it hurt... .It hurt a lot.  And I realized he was amazingly attentive if you are in his inner circle... .but once you're out... .you're out.  He doesn't care about you.  (Or tries not to anyway.)  I don't know if this is the difference between NPD and BPD or just male and female but that was my experience.

caprice - I could have written this. My uBPD ex always stressed a desire to be friends after the breakup, in fact when he ended it he said he'd rather hurt me now, than hurt me 6 months down the road and loose me forever. Well what friendship meant to him were random "hope you have a good day" texts. Nothing of substance and no replies more than 2-3 words. No interest in me or what was actually going on in my life. At one point he was just sending random pics of cartoon characters, and when I asked why he was sending those, his response "sorry I'll never do that again". It was like pulling teeth to have a phone conversation with him. Finally I got so frustrated I called him a coward for non manning up to talk to me, and needless to say that pissed him off and ended any contact. But I'm learning that it was never about me, or even us, always him. You are right, when you're no longer the object of their attention, you are OUT.

[Visitor]

Any interpersonal relationship is a struggle for a person with BPD let a alone one that has a tumultuous past.

I tried one recycle with my ex but all she did was bring up the past and everything went back to how we was in the relationship. You will never see each other as friends.

Somebody on here made a good point that they have NEVER heard even one story of a recycle working on this board. I can expand that to every forum and article I have read.

A good point also made above is they tend to have acquaintances or friends that they haven't known for that long. My one had one or two close friends from childhood but I wouldn't say they were the best people I have ever met.

Oh and if they move in with their friends then forget about it!. She did that and it almost tore their friendship apart. In fact I think they still aren't over it.

Their intimate relationships (as far as I can tell) all seem to be long distance or internet relationships with people way outside of their friend circles. I heard that this is because they have burned up their local pool of potential suitors so they need to search further afield.

[BacknthSaddle]

Everything everyone here says is true, and patientandclear's story is particularly salient. I'll just add that, in my limited experience, they don't understand different categories of relationships the way you do. For example, there are things you'd tell a lover or spouse that you wouldn't tell your oldest closest friend. There are things you'd tell your oldest closest friend that you wouldn't tell a new friend or a trusted colleague, and there are things you'd tell those people that you wouldn't tell someone you just met at a party. When my ex wanted to be "friends," I found that emotionally she was treating me the same way she'd always treated me, telling me things she wouldn't tell anyone else in the world as if I was her spouse. When I pointed this out, she said I was "obsessed" and couldn't move past our relationship, whereas I was confused bc this "friendship" she wanted was way more intimate than any friendship I'd had and then any relationship ship she had period.

They don't understand the typical demarcations between relationships. There is either an intense attachment or no attachment. So, as a "friend," you will be treated like the lover you used to be emotionally, except your one feelings and needs will be disregarded, and you could be left in the cold at any time. It can't be a "friendship" as you imagine one, because such niceties are beyond their understanding. There are only attachments, and as a "friend," you are just an attachment she can control. Spend some time with your real friends and remind yourself what a friend is. Then decide if she fits into that category. In guessing she won't.

WOW.  This is such an interesting post to me.  In my case, the ex is NPD so maybe slightly different.  When everything fell apart, he told me that no matter what, we're still friends and will continue to be.  And I vividly recall a few months later me emailing him and saying - "WE can't be friends, you don't know HOW to be a friend - unless I'm giving you something you WANT, you have NO use for me."  He actually shut down at that.

In my case - once we were "friends", he didn't keep me in a deep bond - I was now on the outside.  He didn't tell me personal details about his life.  It was purely superficial.  Almost like he froze me out.  He went from being deep and loving to being cool and aloof.  He couldn't seem to find the middle ground and actually be able to say "Hey how was your day?"  He would make obscure remarks and wait for me to respond.

It was really really weird.  To being so intimate to pretty much strangers.  After all we shared it hurt... .It hurt a lot.  And I realized he was amazingly attentive if you are in his inner circle... .but once you're out... .you're out.  He doesn't care about you.  (Or tries not to anyway.)  I don't know if this is the difference between NPD and BPD or just male and female but that was my experience.

I should clarify I bit.  I would say that in the immediate post break-up period, she was definitely aloof and superficial, acting like she was doing me a favor by being my "friend" (which I was not even requesting).  She would have moments when she would dump heavy emotional stuff on me (I think in particular when she had concerns about a new r/s with someone else), but then she would trivialize these later, devalue me in that way.  Since I've made it clear that I don't intend to tolerate her behavior anymore and want no contact, however, she has become more desperate, begging me to give her "another chance to be a good friend," saying "I know I've made mistakes," etc.  This probably has to do with the dissolution of a new r/s, or I think even more likely, boredom/dissatisfaction with her new single existence.  Regardless though, I know the desperation has nothing to do with me per se and everything to do with the perceived abandonment/loss of attachment. If I went back, it would be the same stuff all over again. 

What others have said is true:

1) ALL relationships of any degree of intimacy are likely to be tumultuous, so if you want a "friendship," keep that in mind.  Very few healthy people in this world actively seek out tumultuous friendships.

2) ALL relationships of any degree of intimacy are about meeting their needs, and thus you are never going to get a reciprocal, balanced friendships in which your concerns and desires and needs are acknowledged and attended to.  I think for many of us, the lack of reciprocity is actually easier to tolerate inside a romantic relationship, because we perceive our partners as in need of rescue, and thus while we attend to the rescuing we don't expect much in return.  When, however, you try to form a "friendship" with someone, a lack of reciprocity just tends to make the whole thing disintegrate. 

The trouble with the friendship with the pwBPD is that, unlike healthier people, they won't allow the friendship to disintegrate.  "Growing apart" is just too frightening in any context. 

[icecream]

My experience:

Friends online, flirting, falling in love, turned friendship into a r/s when meeting live for the first time. She was all into me at fb and apps... .and longdistance.

When she dumped me it was from all to nothing/no closure but our online connection was the only thing left while i was comming down on our cloud.

So I agreed when she told me:

"we can still be friends"... .turned out that friendship ment for her:

-facing her online flirting straight after

-facing her replacements online while not telling me in person

-come and go in middle of conversations who never came to an outcome

-middle of the night texting when she needed me emotionally

-sending me lines like: "hi nickname i miss you", "our story would have been different if i had been more ready", "i regret often that i dumped you", "it was so difficult not to be close to you when we met as friends",... .

What kind of friend says this?

I continued this connection which felt so close and loving from the start and hoping to come to that point again, when i agreed on friendship i still had feelings/hopes/longing for her which made this constant confrontation and push/pull much harder to detach.

Turning from lovers into friends is not possible if 1 has still romantic feelings. It would make you so unhappy.

If i knew before what i had to face after the break-up i would have made other choices... .but... .never was so close to a BPD before so I FORGIVE MYSELF! Learned a lot, but hurt even more... .

I wont recommend the journey "from lovers into friends with a pwBPD" to anyone it is awefull!