Tonight I want to share and to give a word of hope to all

[whatathing]

Hi,

It´s been 2 months no contact, and that last contact was just some mails ending for good. Before that we were already no contact for some months, with two or three times in which she initiated contact saying she missed me. But the r/s ended in February 2013, so it´s been a long journey of detachment since then, in which this forum helped a lot.

I´m really a lot better now, I´ve seen two or three girls but nothing happened. But I recovered the ability to get attracted for someone else.

I still haven´t felt an intense attraction, with so many emotional and close elements as I felt with her, but I´ve already understood that it can happen. Some days, like today, my mind and heart dive again into the past, I listen to the songs that we heard, and that I heard alone towards the end, and I remember the things we did, the places we went, the things we said, and it seems so stupid and senseless to have thrown away something so big.

It helps to think that it just was a disturbed r/s, and because of that, it involved an unusual mix of things that made total sense, with things that had no sense at all. Like a broken, fragmented picture. That mix isn´t something that we, as relatively more healthy persons, are capable of integrating, understanding, and processing, so we´re left surprised, thinking how the hell that senseless fragmented mix could be possible. It´s part of our "dive" into the borderline world and it keeps us ruminating.

Good and healthy relationships don´t give us that rollercoaster, uncontrolled, fragmented feeling. They allow us to adapt, integrate, and be faithful to our feelings, without an urge to sustain and understand what´s happening, and a powerful helpless feeling. Healthy relationships combine the intense feelings we had in these relationships, with space, time, gradual and reciprocal development of bonds.

Tonight I´m thinking of the past, and I´m impressed because it was so hard to me to recover from that r/s, and it wasn´t so long and intense as many of the experiences that many of you describe. So I want to give all of you a big encouraging hug, and to tell you that it will get better. As time goes by, perspective gradually takes place, and feelings start to organize and go back to their place. Be strong and have faith! Everything you look for exists, is real, and is waiting for you. As soon as you start healing and changing the vulnerable parts of your selves, that allowed this to happen.

Thank you to everyone that has responded to all my posts. I´m still here reading and writing, from time to time.

[amigo]

Thank you for this post. I needed to read this this evening, and it is helping me continue to fight for my own sanity and wellbeing.

[LovexLife]

I agree with everything

I think we are all more aware of what does really matter in life when we survived from a r/s with a exBPDbf. We know what we need, and we know the value of a healthy r/s.

[whatathing]

amigo: I hope you´re doing good today.

LovexLife: I agree with you too... .

[amigo]

Hi whatathing, thank you for asking.

I am actually not doing so great today. The ST(LC?) is getting to me. I am remembering the good times  :'(

I also ended two platonic friendships with two potential suitors this week, because I know they want more than friendship and I do not want to date them and don't want to lead them on. So now I am truly "alone". It's hard. I tried to fix a part on my motorcycle today and failed miserably, making it even more obvious that there is no man in my life, who could probably easily have fixed the problem. Yuck   Sometimes I am just so tired of being strong and tough and self-sufficient.

But I keep fighting. Just meditated and going to tango practise tonight. I also reread your word of hope and it helps me - yet again 

Looking forward to being at the stage where you are.

[whatathing]

Hi amigo, sorry for the late answer. I hope the tango and the meditation helped! It´s very thoughtful of you to not want to lead your platonic friends on. It´s hard to resist to compensatory relationships... .I have a hard time doing that, too. It would be much easier to lean on a comfortable shoulder, but whom we don´t love.

Sometimes we feel really lonely and down. We don´t need to be self-sufficient, by the contrary, it´s good to not be self sufficient. We are social and affective beings, we need to love and be loved. But we should be able to feel good alone also, which is a different thing. But don´t be hard on yourself - in the detachment phase, it´s normal to feel that way, it´s part of the grieving process... .

When you felt sad trying to repair your motorcycle, deep down maybe you were just saying: "I don´t want this to happen this way". A protesting cry, a hopeless cry. You are being forced to an option you didn´t chose, and some situations show reality to you in a harsh way. It´s good to acknowledge that you didn´t want things to turn out this way, that this is a violent loss that shouldn´t have happened, and that is really hard for you. Self-validate your feelings about this loss, so that they are owned by you. And so that you don´t feel like you weren´t supposed to want what you wanted.

You aren´t alone! You´re just in a dark alley, but keep walking and you´ll find that you´re not alone

I´m glad that reading my shared experience helped you... .thanks.

[amigo]

Thank you whatathing.

I feel less alone reading your thoughtful response.

Yes it would be so easy for me to find someone to be there for me, but after my experience with the BPD ex I am hyper aware of giving someone a mixed message. The last thing I want to do is to hurt another person, because I find it comforting to be with them (be validated by them), but I don't really love them back the same way. It would be so very BL of me to do that.

I think of all the things I have learned in this crazy experience, one of them is to make sure I don't lead on anybody who I know I don't see a future with. But of course sometimes this is not apparent right away, and lines do get blurred. I am just making an extra effort right now, to draw lines clearly.

I keep walking, thanks for shining your flashlight into my dark alley 

[RedDove]

Thanks Whatathing for your words of support and encouragement. I really needed it tonight, as weekends are the toughest for me. I am 2 months NC as well. I have good days and bad days. Lately I've been remembering the good times too much. Wondering what my ex BPDbf is doing... .Is he still with the replacement. It's taking a great deal of will power and strength to not unblock him on Facebook to take a peak.

I concur with you and Amigo on the topic of dating others and not misleading anyone. A month ago my good friend of 30 years (male) admitted to have feelings for me. He was waiting for me as he termed it to "dump" the jerk=ex BPDbf I was involved with for the past 4 years. I attempted to explain to him the emotional abuse I experienced and the healing that was needed. He didn't understand and he is no longer in touch with me. Very hard to loose such a good friend.

I ended it in June with my ex BPDbf when I finally woke up and decided to finally see his lies and cheating. We exchanged a few texts back in July after he finally told me he suffered from BPD and I finally said goodbye. He had already primed another woman (replacement) on a dating site in mid-May. I havent heard a peep from him. Which has allowed me to work on myself and painfully and slowly accept the facts he was never capable of loving or caring about me. It was all about him and his needs!

I'm not ready to date and wont be for a long time. However, I still believe in love. Some day, just not today.

[IceQueenSunday]

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write this, I needed to read this tonight too but also well done on your journey to healing x May things continue to get better xxx

[whatathing]

Thank you whatathing.

I feel less alone reading your thoughtful response.

I keep walking, thanks for shining your flashlight into my dark alley 

It´s good to read this, thank you too   I also have experienced what you say about blurred lines. I think that we end up fragile, confused, and less able to read and manage our own emotions... .as time goes by, things begin to be more clear, emotions, relationships, intentions, wishes... .Well, maybe not only with time, but also with the self work that is so mentioned in these forums. It´s very important, I think... .

I concur with you and Amigo on the topic of dating others and not misleading anyone. A month ago my good friend of 30 years (male) admitted to have feelings for me. He was waiting for me as he termed it to "dump" the jerk=ex BPDbf I was involved with for the past 4 years. I attempted to explain to him the emotional abuse I experienced and the healing that was needed. He didn't understand and he is no longer in touch with me. Very hard to loose such a good friend.

I ended it in June with my ex BPDbf when I finally woke up and decided to finally see his lies and cheating. We exchanged a few texts back in July after he finally told me he suffered from BPD and I finally said goodbye. He had already primed another woman (replacement) on a dating site in mid-May. I havent heard a peep from him. Which has allowed me to work on myself and painfully and slowly accept the facts he was never capable of loving or caring about me. It was all about him and his needs!

I'm not ready to date and wont be for a long time. However, I still believe in love. Some day, just not today.

RedDove, reading your experience makes me sad, not only for you, but also because it reminds me my own. Finding out that they weren´t capable of loving us, and that it was all about them and their needs... .Been there, done that!

I´m sorry about what happened with your close friend... .I imagine it was the last thing you needed right now! Another loss. I feel that he showed some resentment by ending contact with you, which you didn´t deserve. I admire you for affirming your needs. And I admire you even more for still believing in love. That encourages me too And I still believe in love too. I think that´s a big winner for us - coming out of these situations still believing in love. Thank you

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write this, I needed to read this tonight too but also well done on your journey to healing x May things continue to get better xxx

Thank you IceQueenSunday! I wish you all the best, too. 

[RedDove]

Thank you for your kind and supportive words Whatathing. It's been a tough road of hurt, pain, denial, anger, realization, acceptance and self discovery. I'm sorry you had a similar experience to mine.

Thank you for your understanding.   Most of my friends can not understand what I've been through, and am still going through. It was unfortunate to be abandoned by a friend I thought cared about me. However, yes, I do feel I've made a bit of progress by not letting my friend "project" his needs and issues on me! After all, that's how I got into this whole nightmare in the first place with my ex BPDbf... .it was always all about his needs... .me, me, me!

We can't give up on love.    This was just one mentally disordered individual we all encountered. There are many good, decent, kind, caring, loving people out there (including us!). We just need the time to self reflect and heal first.