Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 05:00:59 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Love Avoidant or BPD?  (Read 641 times)
KeepOnGoing
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 135


« on: September 02, 2014, 08:31:44 PM »

How much of this relationship stuff we are reading about here on these message boards is love addict/love avoidant behavior? Does anyone have any insight into this? I believe that my pwBPD was extremely love avoidant.
Logged

fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2014, 08:46:50 PM »

Well, I've been learning a lot about attachment styles, and right now it's speaking to me bigtime.  There are 3: secure, anxious and avoidant, with 60% of the population having a secure style, 20% having an anxious style, 20% avoidant.

Secure style:
Excerpt
This style of attachment usually results from a history of warm and responsive interactions with relationship partners. Securely attached people tend to have positive views of themselves and their partners. They also tend to have positive views of their relationships. Often they report greater satisfaction and adjustment in their relationships than people with other attachment styles. Securely attached people feel comfortable both with intimacy and with independence. Many seek to balance intimacy and independence in their relationship.  Secure attachment and adaptive functioning are promoted by a caregiver who is emotionally available and appropriately responsive to his or her child’s attachment behavior, as well as capable of regulating both his or her positive and negative emotions.

Anxious style:
Excerpt
People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.

Avoidant style:
Excerpt
People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with relationship partners, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive–avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (i.e., their relationship partners).

One thing I like about styles is everyone has one.  I absolutely have an anxious style, and have learned that a relationship with someone with an avoidant style is bad news for me, but a relationship with someone with a secure style can actually make me more secure.  BPD is a personality disorder, not an attachment style, but a triggered borderline in devaluation mode is very avoidant, which she was, and anxious folks like me use 'protest behavior' as it's called when we are wondering about the strength of the relationship, which explains most of the sht that went down between us before it fell apart and I left.
Logged
Hawk Ridge
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 303



« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2014, 08:55:00 PM »

I was struck by the fact that when I read the book about attachments that she actually fell into both categories, anxious and avoidant depending on where she is in her disease process.  I used to be more secure but after this experience, i am very anxious
Logged

fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2014, 09:01:58 PM »

I was struck by the fact that when I read the book about attachments that she actually fell into both categories, anxious and avoidant depending on where she is in her disease process.  I used to be more secure but after this experience, i am very anxious

Yes, I forgot to mention there's a 4th style called 'disorganized' that includes both anxious and avoidant.  To me a personality disorder trumps an attachment style as far as behavior goes, but how it affects us, depending what style we are, is consistent.
Logged
KeepOnGoing
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 135


« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2014, 09:56:14 PM »

I'm talking about the stuff:

If you can answer yes to more than a few of the following questions, you are probably a love addict. Remember that love addiction comes in many forms, so even if you don’t answer yes to all of the questions you may still be a love addict.

You are very needy when it comes to relationships.

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.

When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.

Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.

When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.

When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.

You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You are terrified of never finding someone to love.

You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.

You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.

You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).

When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.

You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).

More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.

You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.

You have stayed with an abusive person.

Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.

You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.

You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.

When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.

More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.

You have no impulse control when you are in love.

You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.

More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.

You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.

If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.

Love is the most important thing in the world to you.

Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.

As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.

You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.
Logged

Fluff
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 165



« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2014, 12:43:56 AM »

For me in was changing. In the honeymoon I was Secure and she was Anxious. As she started flipping between Anxious and Avoidant I became full blown Anxious.
Logged
pest947
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Split 2 Recycles
Posts: 52


« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2020, 05:32:04 PM »

In My experience Anxious/insecure in the idealization phase and an instant change to dismissive avoidance once they have split you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!