I just remembered this

[workinprogress]

This just flashed into my mind today.

For the first five years of our marriage I thought that things were great.  Looking back though, I can see how my wife's constant demands were wearing me out.  She would get angry if I worked too much and then she would complain that I didn't make enough money.

Anyway, we had a great sex life, engaging in sex multiple times a week.

Shortly before I was devalued, my wife and I were having sex.  During sex she called me by another guy's name.  I know this is kind of embarrassing, but I didn't think much of it at the time.  She still treated me like a king and sex was fantastic.

I just figured she was fantasizing or something.

Now, I wonder if there wasn't more to it?  Perhaps there was a guy lingering in the shadows.

Shortly after calling me the other name, she started getting angry if I answered the phone.  What the heck?

Red flags started popping up everywhere.

To be honest, I'm not sure why I am sharing this.  For some reason there is a significance there that I'm missing.

[Mutt]

Now, I wonder if there wasn't more to it?  Perhaps there was a guy lingering in the shadows.

Shortly after calling me the other name, she started getting angry if I answered the phone.  What the heck?

Red flags started popping up everywhere.

Hi WIP,

It's that   moment. Listen to your intuition on this one. Her reaction when you picked up the phone is the give-away that there may have been someone else in the picture. She's angry because her act is triggering feelings of shame and guilt. Was she like this before she called you by another name?

I went through something similar. She was locking her phone, the phone was glued to her. Acting different, behaviors changed. You just know. I went back to check phone records after the split. Sure enough, I found evidence of the other man. I wanted to confirm my speculations and that sealed it.

[workinprogress]

Now, I wonder if there wasn't more to it?  Perhaps there was a guy lingering in the shadows.

Shortly after calling me the other name, she started getting angry if I answered the phone.  What the heck?

Red flags started popping up everywhere.

Hi WIP,

It's that   moment. Listen to your intuition on this one. Her reaction when you picked up the phone is the give-away that there may have been someone else in the picture. She's angry because her act is triggering feelings of shame and guilt. Was she like this before she called you by another name?

I went through something similar. She was locking her phone, the phone was glued to her. Acting different, behaviors changed. You just know. I went back to check phone records after the split. Sure enough, I found evidence of the other man. I wanted to confirm my speculations and that sealed it.

This happened around 16 years ago.  She never cared if I answered the phone before this.  This was before caller ID and I did the *69 thing and called a hang up number back.  Some guy answered the phone and wanted to know who I was. 

Either I didn't want to face the facts or I was just too trusting... .I let the whole thing go.

Now, when I had the affair, and it was mild, my wife immediately went nuts about it with very little information.  I am now wondering if it wasn't projection on her behalf.  She accused me of running around and screwing around on her all of the time.  That was not the case at all.  I just wanted someone to talk to.

[workinprogress]

This time period also marked the beginning of the end of our sex life.

It went from everything to nothing overnight.

[Mutt]

She went nuts because it triggered her insecurities. Her innate fear of abandonment. She was pulling away. She was triggered. She fears abandonment perceived or real. She will try to seek a new attachment for the fear of being alone. She has an unstable sense of self. It is an attachment disorder.

[workinprogress]

She went nuts because it triggered her insecurities. Her innate fear of abandonment. She was pulling away. She was triggered. She fears abandonment perceived or real. She will try to seek a new attachment for the fear of being alone. She has an unstable sense of self. It is an attachment disorder.

Yep, just a month or so before that she pulled me aside and told me that if anything ever happened to me that she didn't know how she would be able to go on living.

Prior to that, she put so much into the relationship, and demanded a lot.  For some reason I was fine with that.  I felt that there was a stability there.  I thought she was someone who really wanted to make things work.

Then, when I was devalued, I felt like I meant less than nothing to her.