Pain, missing him... Give into it or resist

[Recooperating]

Hi family,

I know "there are no stupid questions", but I feel like I am about to ask a stupid one.

I have been "alright" the last couple of days. Went for drinks with a friend, tried to pick up on life again and I was feeling more and more at ease with the whole break up. I have no intent of ever going back to my dBPDexf. I see what he has done, I see the manipulation the lies the abuse everything.

Tonight my dad celebrated his 70th bithday at a argentina steakhouse. All my family was there and it felt good to be around them, untill we went to the restaurant. My ex is latino, I am european... .In the restaurant the played all latin love songs, bachattas and it KILLED me! The whole evening I was fighting my tears!

Finally home, I was really tempted to have myself a "bridget jones all by myself moment" but I didnt give into it. See... .Im afraid if I get like that I might get tempted to break NC. So instead I went to the board and reminded myself of the bad stuff instead of making a pitty party for myself.

The thing is... .I wasnt brought up to cry. My parents never allowed me to cry... .I did feel sad, i cried over him, but not the tissue pulling oncontrolable sobbing... .And right now I dont think crying and feeling sorry for myself wont do me much good. I think staying focusses on my goals, looking towards the future, staying strong will help me more. My next appointment with my T is not for another 2 weeks since she is ill, so I am just going to ask here... .

Do you guys allow yourself to have a full breakdown? Or do you not give in to the "i miss him so much and oh my god my life is over" kind of mood?

[Infern0]

I made a thread on a similar issue which is that I appear "unable" to cry over her.

It's odd because sometimes I'd like to just break down and bawl my eyes out and get it all out but it never happens.

I don't know what is better but I feel like that would give me that oh so elusive closure on one level

I think it's healthy to cry and express your feelings, just take steps to ensure you won't contact him, all of us at times are so tempted to reach out but we all know it's something we can never do.

[KeepOnGoing]

Cry your freakin heart out. Scream into the pillow while you do it. I actually scared myself a bit, but it was a breakthrough, and I felt better.

[honeysuckle]

Lean in to the feeling. Get it out. Don't keep it a part of you. Have the breakdown.

[Pingo]

I have cried more and harder in the last two months than in the last 20 years I think.  I have cried uncontrollably for hours because of the deep grief of loss.  I have let it all out.  Now I am finding that my tears are more about myself, the compassion I am learning to feel for myself.  I journal like crazy, it has really helped, even while in the midst of tears.  I find that after letting the pain come to the surface and letting myself really feel it, it does lessen and usually I feel better the next day. Grief is a process and I don't want to skip any parts, I want to heal.  Just keep taking it one day at a time.

[drummerboy]

Cry your eyes out, let the tears flow. Crying is very healing. My T often gets me to tears and then says, this is where the healing is. I almost cried when I read your description of the love songs playing at your dads birthday. Next time that happens, go somewhere quiet and cry, let it out, don't hold it in.

The great times we shared with or ex's cannot be denied even if it was the idealisation phase. Eventually, the pain will subside, eventually you will know you life is much better without this person, that doesn't mean you won't think of the great times.

Remember, we can get better, we can look at ourselves and learn a great deal about ourselves, we can get into a relationship with a mentally healthy person and experience "real" love, not the needy "love" we got from of ex, but for the BPD, the chances are that they will always live in their hellish world.

[Hopeless777]

My T said that tears to our souls are like water to a sponge. Let a sponge just sit and it breaks into little pieces. Keep it wet and it lasts intact forever. I've cried a river in the last year. Maybe there is hope after all.

[Tibbles]

"Grief is a process and I don't want to skip any parts, I want to heal.  Just keep taking it one day at a time." Really liked this Pingo - thanks.


I feel the same. To get through this I have to go through the process, whatever it takes. If I try to cut corners I'll get stuck and I want to heal and come out the other side so I can be in a better place. For me that involves crying, big time. I think I did most of it while I was in the marriage and just after I left. Now not so much, but the "wishing" and "wanting to be back with the lovely husband"  feelings are getting stronger and harder to deal with.

If heart felt sobs are for you, then you will do them when you are ready Recooperating, we all have our own process. If they come - give into them. You may decide that is not for you and you can choose not to go there again. Me,  I still find a good cry releases emotion and I feel stronger afterwards. It gets some of the pain and hurt out of my system and helps me let go.

[Recooperating]

Thanks everybody!

Maybe I should just give in to it, cry my eyes out and make sure I hide my phone... .

I should hope Ill be able to stop!

Thanks for all the support! You guys are great! 

[IceQueenSunday]

Before I realised it was BPD I read a few sites online about how to deal with a break up, in the sense of infidelity and one of the suggestions was to write a list of why you wouldn't go back, and although I think it can be a bad thing sometimes to focus on the negative / bad things, sometimes I think in our moments of longing it could help. We have habits of thinking of the good times, the good parts and the feelings they evoked, in them times reading a quick lists of why nots might be a focus? Xx hope things start to get a bit easier soon Hun x

[goingtostopthis]

 Ive been doing good, but my life has been filled with stress due to one episode after another. Im starting to wonder if Im not BPD too.

                              I was so astounded by his cruelty of just cutting me off and ignoring all my emails, telling me things like I was a pain in ass, with holding from me, telling no he wasnt seeing any one,  when I think he must be because I havent heard from him in 2 months. If he was that needy to all ways have me to talk to, he isnt now. He was all ways writing me and asking me how I was. I think he sincerely cared and wanted to know.   How can a person just shut off their feelings and become so cold,  over night?     

                      Ive been having bad luck in my own life ever since he split from me and its been causeing me to have irrational thoughts.  He has this women friend who I really think she's a witch, or she thinks she's one in her fantasy world. He thinks she all powerful and mystical and all. She not. My ex has really had the tendancy to go over into the dark side just by the kind of imagery hes been attracted to. I know this isnt really so but sometimes it feels like he has cast an evil spell on me to try to mess up my life.  Every since Ive Known him as a matter of fact,  I have had one stressful episode after another in my life.  First I find out Ive been scammed by a loan company with interest of 60% or so who got into my checking account.    Then I had a gas leak in my house,  then my toilet went out and I didnt have the money to pay for it for three weeks. Then he split on me and put me through his hell for a month. Spring was good,except my truck died on me out in the middle of no where, the engine was worthless, more stress in getting a new one, stress, stress, stress,  then my most beloved cat died in my arms then he split on me again in July and a week later my horse came down with a tooth inflection that was super serious, she had to have surgery from the out side of her jaw,  then this little sweet heart of a horse I have split himself on me and has charged me 3 times and bit me twise. Now I have to get a trainer to help me to teach him that, this is not ok.  (understatement)  Im in shock!   Never have I had a horse do this, never!  It just all feels diabolical to me.    It feels like real thick negative energy to me and Im ready to be done with it all.

                       Rationally speaker I know these things have no connection to him, but sometimes it sure feels like it.  Im ready for smooth sailing now where nothing ever happens but positive things. He was one to all ways negate everything. If he had an open door with a pot of gold  on the porch, hed come up with some  excuse as to why he just cant go out there and get it. Mr. Self Sabotage.

At least Im dealing with my problems and taking responsibility to finding solutions for them. I think Im still kind of stuck in a negative cloud because of him. I make things harder on myself then I should and I believe its from his influence. I could never really relax being around him because I never knew when he was going to split next. Which has made everything else in my life that much more intense.   

                                        Im still sad and I miss him but I know I need positive people in my life now and he wasnt it.   He will pobably never change.  I told him I was concerned he might have BPD, but Im sure he took it wrong as another form of rejection and shame, when in true it was the most love I could have ever given him.

                           

                             

[drummerboy]

That's exactly what happened to me, totally adoring me to ... .nothing, totally cut off, no contact, no explanation really. Absolutely no closure. It is so inexplicable and totally not the actions of a normal person. Just remember, we were dealing with a person with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old.

It's horrible, it's heartbreaking, it's like being hit by a bus but we can eventually get over it. We can ask ourselves how we got hooked to this fantasy, this illusion. We can become better people, the BPD will most likely stay in their hell until they die.

                              I was so astounded by his cruelty of just cutting me off and ignoring all my emails, telling me things like I was a pain in ass, with holding from me, telling no he wasnt seeing any one,  when I think he must be because I havent heard from him in 2 months. If he was that needy to all ways have me to talk to, he isnt now. He was all ways writing me and asking me how I was. I think he sincerely cared and wanted to know.   How can a person just shut off their feelings and become so cold,  over night?     

                 

[goingtostopthis]

That's exactly what happened to me, totally adoring me to ... .nothing, totally cut off, no contact, no explanation really. Absolutely no closure. It is so inexplicable and totally not the actions of a normal person. Just remember, we were dealing with a person with the emotional maturity of a 5 year old.

It's horrible, it's heartbreaking, it's like being hit by a bus but we can eventually get over it. We can ask ourselves how we got hooked to this fantasy, this illusion. We can become better people, the BPD will most likely stay in their hell until they die.

                              I was so astounded by his cruelty of just cutting me off and ignoring all my emails, telling me things like I was a pain in ass, with holding from me, telling no he wasnt seeing any one,  when I think he must be because I havent heard from him in 2 months. If he was that needy to all ways have me to talk to, he isnt now. He was all ways writing me and asking me how I was. I think he sincerely cared and wanted to know.   How can a person just shut off their feelings and become so cold,  over night?     

                 

Youre right Bauie. He isnt going to change. He may think he can just go into another relationship and nothing is going to happen and everything will be great, but it wont be,  it will start out with dissapointments just like it did me.   He's got no job, hes got no money to do anything with a new person with.   Then the complaints will come, there was all ways something wrong with him all the time and it was tireing. Aside from him seeing space men at the side of his bed. And the sad thing was his weird friends supported this kind of stuff with him.  It made me so mad! I had to check out his FB page.  I got there through a friends account. I honestly was so afraid he was going to do something stupid like walk in front of a moving car.  He had mentioned thoughts like this to me. None of his friends know that he has BPD. I think they are idiots for not seeing it.  But then again maybe they do, maybe this is why he is a lone a good portion of the time. 

As time goes by I keep getting this feeling hes going to try to contact me again. I dont think there is anything he could do to make up for the way he has treated me. He'd probably try to act like nothing happened as usual and want to start thecycle all over again.  " Hey, How's it going?"  Id like to throw back his same old garbage he  played on me and say:  " I was doing fine until you showed up"   This is the kind of garbage he used to play on me.   Mean things, really mean uncalled for comments.  And then he played the punitive parent on me when he decided  it was over.  It was suppose to make me feel really small, dejected and humiliated, like father knows best.  It has seemed to me in the end all he ever really wanted was to make him self feel better then me, superior. Hes an A-holl all the way lost in his own self delussions.   We all know how they are. 

    He told me , he didnt feel the same way about me that I did him, That was his killer statement and he used it at the right kill her times intentionally. I dont believe it, this is has been his cover up and a way to strike out at me so he could walk away felling he got me before I got him. It was like his moth eaten security blanket he drug around with himself all the time to use on me when convienent.  Why would I want someone this capable of being this emotionally vicious?  He has only been concerned about himself and himself only.+  He proved it to me., that deep down inside he is nothing but a whimp of a person going no where in his life. I dont think he really has the slightest idea how bady he has hurt me, all he has wanted to think about is how justified he is for treating me the way he did because he's delussioned about himself. He lies to himself about everything. i dont want him back and I wont! take him back under any circumstances.