What steps are you taking to better you?

[Infern0]

We most all of us ended up here because of our issues with ourselves.  What you project you attract.

I have been making some changes to myself in order to improve and have a better life and make sure this doesn't happen again.

First one is strangely enough going through this has given me confidence,  which I am holding on to.  I now stand straight,  walk with my head up and make lots of eye contact. I always used to fear eye contact but it's a funny thing,  most of the people who before I would be too scared to look in the eye now break first when I look at them haha. And good strong people become way more interested and attentive when you can look em in the eye!

Secondly saying no to people (always hated that) if I don't agree with a request I now say no! It isn't a bad thing,  I don't feel bad! And even very difficult people I know who are prone to tantrums seem to accept it. "No, I don't agree with that" they get baffled,  mope but then 5 minutes later are over it. WOW.  No more massive debates and arguments. Simple. I don't agree,  discussion over. People actually RESPECT that!

[mro0429]

Agreed! Setting boundaries with people, developing the strength to voice anger and disappointment in healthy and constructive ways, etc has been a huge area of growth for me since the breakup

[Rifka]

Great job inferno! I have decided to take a break from intimate relationships and heal myself and self reflect what I need to change about myself to not let somebody unworthy into my life.

I have realized that even though my job as a health care provider is to fix people and try and save everybody, it not my responsibility to save mentally broken people. It's okay for me to walk away and say no to the true drama situations, not the physical ones of course.

I'm very outgoing by nature and have always been a leader personality. I make friends easily and attract people of all types because of my high energy and free spirit. People tend to flock towards me. I guess I'm lucky, but this last time I let somebody in that had an agenda that I knew nothing about. It was completely my own fault that I ignored the huge football field size red flags, but I did over and over again.

I had no clue or even experienced the power of BPD. I know now that I have met people who were living in these relationships but could not relate. I am as guilty as many who have asked me why I stayed, that I deserved better. I did not understand being on the inexperienced side. Now I know being in the middle of it just what they also lived with.

I'm sorry I was not supportive in my words. I will now forever understand and ask proper questions instead of basically making the non question themselves for something they don't understand until they are educated.

I have and will continue to tell nons to come here for help if they are ready.

I have learned to see the red flags and to actually pay attention to them instead of making excuses of why they are are not what they are. They are big warning signs.

I am on my way, stronger and now educated in a disorder that was never properly taught in textbooks years ago.

[hergestridge]

Saying no and turning things down. I used to be up for anything anyone asked me to do because I was so eager to please, but I'm working on that.

In general it's strange being single after 20 years of BPD marriage. I have to re-consider wether some of my charateristics are good or bad. One week my wife thought I was the greatest guy in the world and the next she told me exactly why she could never live with someone like me. It leaves wondering who you are, naturally... .

I have concluded  that she since she seems to be the only person that even actively disliked me, I shouldn't have to worry. But still, that doubt needs some working on. And getting to know yourself a bit. A bit of a new acquintance (not totally unpleasant BTW!).

On the subject on "saying no", here's a lyric from a song I love. I never thought I would apply it to my wife, but it sure as hell does.

"Get used to saying no

Turn your back on the deceiver

Whose whispers in your ear complicate your life

Willpower, energy, example

What has to be done is done

Without wavering

Without worrying about what others think

Let obstacles only make you bigger

Get rid of those useless thoughts

Which are at best a waste of time

Don't waste your energy and your time

Throwing stones at the dogs that bark at you on the way

Ignore them

Don't put off your work until tomorrow

Don't succumb to that disease of character

Whose symptoms are a general lack of seriousness

Unsteadiness in action and speech

Foolishness

In a word: frivolity

If you clash with the character of one person or another

It has to be that way

You're not a dollar bill to be liked by everyone

If your character and that of those around you

Were soft and sweet like marshmallows

You would never become the person destiny's ordained

Don't stop to think about excuses

Get rid of them, and do what you should

You say you can't do more?

Couldn't it be, that you can't do less?

You never want to get to the bottom of things

At times because of politeness

Other times -- most times -- because you fear hurting yourself

Sometimes, again, because you fear hurting others

But always because of fear

With that fear of digging for the truth

You'll never be a man of good judgment

Don't be afraid of the truth

Even though the truth may mean your death"

[Tibbles]

Great question, a real positive spin on things.

I am reading lots on this site and learning heaps about the role I played in my relationship. I am becoming strong maintaining NC which is hard as I get these weird messages from my ex. It is Fathers day today and our kids have also gone NC.  I would normally interfere and try to ease his pain with this but I'm not. It's a natural consequence of his poor behaviour towards his kids and I have learnt to let that happen. I want so much to break NC and do the "rescue role" but at least I am aware and can now make informed choices. It breaks my heart that my little family is so fragmented but I am learning to accept it is and to let it be what it is. I spent my day focusing on what I do have and not what I have lost. I feel I coped with a very difficult day OK. Pretty sure tears will come tonight but it is what it is, and that is OK too.  :'(

[Dutched]

Great question, a real positive spin on things.

Pretty sure tears will come tonight but it is what it is, and that is OK too.  :'(

tears will come tonight?  Shall I use your words, for that positive spin for you, all and myself?

I WAS and I AM GOOD, and WILL BE GOOD  

Same high values, strong moral, highly reliable, honest, creative and out of the box thinker, fighter, even predictor based on peoples’ behaviour

etcetera, etcetera, etcetera…  (from “the King and I”).

So we ARE good, if others can’t, won’t and/or deny to see that, is their ‘issue’. (period)  


She couldn’t break my spirit - it's my dreams she took.

[Fluff]

The first things that happened after it was over was I got back to the gym and started eating a vegetarian diet. In retrospect to build up my value in her eyes since she's a vegetarian.

Next i started reading dating/relationship stuff that got me into focusing on me, for me! I soon changed the diet into one I had wanted for myself for a long time.

I also started therapy and started reading on this forum as well as educating myself in BPD and all things related. Good stuff.

I've been isolating myself for many years, something that I had to break. So I started going out to clubs with my sister and started taking salsa lessons. A very big thing for me.

Also, now after 3-4 months, I'm able to focus on my work again and am actually feeling kind of passionate and hopeful about it.

So, to sum it up. I now take care of myself, educate myself and challenge myself. 

[kc sunshine]

Hi all!

One thing I've been practicing is quieting the talk in my head (imaginary conversations with my exBPD, etc) and letting myself feel the feeling/emotion that is generating the talk, watching that feeling with curiosity-- describing to myself what the feeling feels like. For me, that's been something that has helped me switch from being tuned into her, to being tuned into me.

The thing that I want to work on next is being honest. I think walking on eggshells has led me to be a less-than-honest/open person and I'd like to be better that way. Anyone have any good steps towards that?

[Vatz]

I'm working out and slowly am seeing little results. Every couple of weeks I notice I'm carrying less baggage if ya know what I'm saying. I'm being proactive about my self esteem.

Ive been interacting with people again. I mean, for Pete sake Igot down with someone I didn't even know. When I step back, I realize that never in my life did I think that I'd do a thing like that. But there I was. I was confident enough to just go for it. I was always so afraid. I "jumped."

This week I went to a meet up and met some cool people. We all scheduled to meet again next week and I'm practically counting down the days!

Im working and saving up.

I asked someone out today. Told me she had a boyfriend. Instead of getting upset I was glad that I actually had the stones to at least SAY SOMETHING! I hadn't done a thing like that in person in a while. A long while. 

I still get depressed, and some days it's really bad. But occasionally I think of the things I'm looking forward to and it helps. I'm hopefully going to go to many more events and what not, maybe meet Mrs.vatz. I still don't quite totally believe that its going to happen, life is a series of closing doors and it still often feels like that particular door has closed for me. But, I have to keep going. Otherwise, what's the point?

I'm taking steps to be a better me. If I feel strong, confident and attractive, I'll be better. I won't allow people to hurt me because I'll know that I'm better, and can get better if I wanted to (with experience to back it up.) I'm not there yet, but that's the goal and I'm putting in the work. Not just that, but I'll be more fun among friends, family and *fingers crossed* my future SO.

[drummerboy]

Things I'm doing for myself.

In therapy, we mainly do inner child stuff, now and then I will take about my ex but my T always guides me back to my issues. Inner child work can be tough but the progress is amazing once I stopped looking at others (being a victim) and looked inward. Lots of tears but feeling a new connection to the real me that I had kept well hidden.

I'm reading a great book "Co-dependent no more" It makes so much sense in explaining how we probably fell for an ultras needy person like a BPD.

Reading another book called "The unleashed soul" which talks about reducing the power our thoughts can have on us. How our brains are thought machines and are constantly having an inner dialog, much of it nonsense. Its about quieting the mind, really helpful book.

Hope everyone is having a good day.