"you never loved me"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is a line mine uses a lot.  And it hurts deeply. The only thing I knew for sure during all the chaos and even now is that I did/do love her.

She uses it all the time and it's so painful to be told that.

Is this a common line with BPD or just a chin in the armour she has found and knows wounds me?

[Infern0]

This is a line mine uses a lot.  And it hurts deeply. The only thing I knew for sure during all the chaos and even now is that I did/do love her.

She uses it all the time and it's so painful to be told that.

Is this a common line with BPD or just a chin in the armour she has found and knows wounds me?

[Lolster]

Mine used it, post break up and I agreed I didn't love him in the way he claimed to love me.  He was planning our wedding a couple of months in, couldn't live without me, blah blah blah.  Keep in mind this was a LDR so we actually spent approx. 8 days together in total. 

Maybe she means you didn't love her in the same way, and why would you want to when a BPD's version of love is disordered and distorted, and so very different from a nons. 

[Infern0]

Mine used it, post break up and I agreed I didn't love him in the way he claimed to love me.  He was planning our wedding a couple of months in, couldn't live without me, blah blah blah.  Keep in mind this was a LDR so we actually spent approx. 8 days together in total. 

Maybe she means you didn't love her in the same way, and why would you want to when a BPD's version of love is disordered and distorted, and so very different from a nons. 

Who knows how she loved me?

I loved her like a normal person.  She meant the world to me,  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and be happy together,  and stand by each other.

It was a love that was impossible to impliment though, a one way thing. Even now after everything she has done,  I still have love for her.  I pity her and prey for her to find some inner peace.

I just hate it when she says that to me. I loved her so much that I went through hell for her and tolerated far worse than I have walked away from other relationships for.

[Rifka]

Mine used it a couple of time when he wanted something and I didn't, to try and get his way, like a child. Even my ex knew saying it out loud at me sounded wrong and stopped. He knew I loved him so much,but was trying to manipulate.

I'm sorry that you are head is racing again.

Inferno,

So much of what they said or say, was to get a rise out of us or to control us in their bad moods.

You are free to move forward without abuse now. This news is like angels pushing you closer to non combative, loving peacefulness!

[momtara]

Yes, a very common line.

[Lolster]

Mine used it, post break up and I agreed I didn't love him in the way he claimed to love me.  He was planning our wedding a couple of months in, couldn't live without me, blah blah blah.  Keep in mind this was a LDR so we actually spent approx. 8 days together in total. 

Maybe she means you didn't love her in the same way, and why would you want to when a BPD's version of love is disordered and distorted, and so very different from a nons. 

Who knows how she loved me?

I loved her like a normal person.  She meant the world to me,  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and be happy together,  and stand by each other.

It was a love that was impossible to impliment though, a one way thing. Even now after everything she has done,  I still have love for her.  I pity her and prey for her to find some inner peace.

I just hate it when she says that to me. I loved her so much that I went through hell for her and tolerated far worse than I have walked away from other relationships for.

Exactly, you loved like a normal person, which in my experience is never enough for them.  I know it's hurtful, but it's as Rifka says - it's a control tool.

[Recooperating]

I heared it all the freaking time! With every "episode"... .Hurt me through and through, after all the things I had done for him and all the BS I had to put up with... .I loved him tremendously, but its was never enough... .

[Pingo]

That is the line mine used after I broke up with him.  I think they know it'll hurt us because we are such empathetic people.  If he truly believes this then he is sicker than I realised because I showed him nothing but love for 4 years!

[Rise]

Oh yeah, all the time. That is my ex's default statement when I hurt her. Coincidentally enough it's also the go to comment for my 4 year old niece. I think it comes from the same place. BPD's like children struggle with object constancy. So they struggle to recognize that what's happening at that exact moment doesn't define our entire relationship. As a normal functioning adult, when someone hurts us, we can still recognize them as people that love and care about us. Both my ex and my niece lack the skills to do that when they are dealing with intense emotion. So when my ex tells me that, yes it's because she's lashing out from her pain and she's trying to make me feel bad, but it's also because that's how she feels at that moment. It's a temporary emotional response. Even my ex after she calms down recognizes that it's just not a true statement.

It used to really hurt me too. I needed her to acknowledge I loved her because that's how I was (incorrectly) seeking validation for my feelings. But I guess I've just been dealing with it long enough now, that it doesn't phase me anymore, because I take it the same way I do when my kids say something like that. I'm secure enough with my feelings to know its not true. I know the truth about how I feel, and there's nothing anyone can say that makes it untrue.

[Bellerphon]

I am laughing so hard ... .is there a script they ( the BPDs) pass around to each other. I have found such solace in reading the comments other BPDs have made, when you guys share I am just beside myself in humor knowing now it wasn't just me in isolation suffering this crap.

B

[Tiepje3]

My uBPDstbxh told me yesterday, after I asked him why all the sudden hatred (or at least: that's how it felt to me) that he didn't hate me at all. But he didn't love me either anymore. I was now just 'nothing' to him. To hear him say that after six years of investing into the r/s hurts A LOT!

It feels so ungrateful, but I guess it's just what it is. I know for sure I'm a strong woman, because I'm still standing and also that I'm a 'giver' and I have more love to give. So for now I'll bestow it upon my lovely children and keep the rest for someone who's worth it.

"No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn't bring you what you want, it taught you what you didn't want."

[JonnyKrunch]

[/quote]
Exactly, you loved like a normal person, which in my experience is never enough for them.  [/quote]
I am so glad I logged in today and read that. Last week was a rough time for me, especially last night. I find myself going back to those harmful thought patterns where I ask myself  could I have done anything else to stay together, is it really all my fault? I guess when its been pounded in your head for years ... .

but I always forget the main factor in the equation, she is NOT normal.

That's what I need to pound in my head.

I have heard "you never loved me"a thousand times, and for the first 600 times I would get sucked in... .

by either trying to prove to her that I loved her, or arguing about how asinine the statement is.

She thrived off of either one.

she is not a normal person

she is not a normal person

she is not a normal person

she... .is... .not... .a... .normal... .

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[PhoenixBlack]

Yes, I had this too. She told me that I never loved her when it was all I had ever done. It cut me to the core just as she knew it would.

As others have said, it's a common ploy and means of control.

[x1985x]

Oh, so many times, among many other colorful digs... .

"I feel like you don't even like me."

"Nothing I do is good enough."

"You act like you hate me."

"Why are you with me?"

Who knows where it truly comes from, I don't. Sometimes I believe it's projection, other times I feel that she was just genuinely noticing how fed up I was with her after six years. In truth, nothing she did was ever good enough to erase all the pain she caused, so that's true. I never hated her, I just held my boundaries as often as possible, I made her accountable and held her to her promises and responsibilities. This is what has always killed things, in my experience, to stand up for yourself. To disagree with them is to lose them.

Oh well. Somebody else will feel that sting now.

It's not the worst thing in the world to abandon a sinking ship.

[Merrygoround]

you don't love me, you don't care about me, i do everything for you and all my decisions are based on you, you never buy me as many gifts as I buy you, you don't put a smiley face at the end of your text... .get this---one time he actually said I was disrespectful because I used a "u" instead of spelling out "you" in a text.  If I cared and respected him more, I'd spell it out.  I swear I'm not lying.  Can you believe these red flags didn't send me running?  I believe in many ways the flags kept me there.  I wanted to fix him.  I kept reminding myself of all the exhausting work I'd put in the relationship for someone else to benefit from after he finds someone new.  The reality is, he will never ever change.  never.  Remind yourself of that.  without intense help, it just isn't possible.