I feel fortunate

[Tolou]

I try not to compare myself to anyone, thats because we are different and process things in our own ways based on numerous reasons and circumstances that we have faced in life.

I feel fortuante because though there is still pain within me from the experiences that I witnessed in my brief time in this past relationship, I am doing much better.  After taking time to see the role I played in the relationship and my ability to ignore clear signs that I was making spontaneous and irrational decisions, I have really started to let go of it.  I can't blame anyone for what I did, or how long I stayed, or how I decided to depart, they were my choices, in a way I see I held myself hostage to someone who truely wasn't capable of returning things interms of a healthy relationship the way I needed her to.  In my very first post which I was looking over, I stated how maybe we are all masked in a way when entering relationships, because I never put it all out there, and maybe when I say mask I mean that I am guarded.  From the person I was prior to entering the relationship I think in a way I have let that guard down and become more comfortable with who I am, and I am okay me, I am.  I have never been fake or pretended to be someone I am not, but I have held back in fear of getting hurt, but never misrepresented myself and my intentions with a person.

This relationship taught me it is okay to say NO to things that are not good for me, and to people, and to family.  It doesn't mean that I am a bad person for choosing what is best for me.  Though I had a difficult time initially when walking away from this relationship, I feel fortunate that I had the strength to walk away when I did.  I regret that things didn't work out with her, but I am not mad or holding any bitterness only dissapointment now, because had we both been in a better place in life, I think things could have worked out differently.  But the reality was, that at the time we met we were not right for one another and that's okay.  I don't excuse or condon some of poor behavior and treatment and etc... .But it was a learning experience that I will forever remember in what I will and will not not tolerate from another person in my life. I feel fortunate to have found this website and these boards because it truely helped me when I felt there was no one who could possibly understand what I was going through at those times, and when there were good days and bad days, and when people checked me and reminded me what I had to work on and circle focus back on me, because that is the only person I can help change and fix what I feel needs healing, and I thank you all for that!

[Ihope2]

Thank you for your calm words of response to my first postings here, Tolou.  It is so true what you say, the situation of being in an ever-changing, chaotic and conflictual dynamic with a partner with BPD, is not something that a person who has no experience of it, will easily understand.  I also found it very encouraging, validating and it helped me on to my path out of chaos and on towards my own healing, to have people in similar circumstances, and with hard-won wisdom, offer their support and understanding.  It helped me keep perspective, when I was doubting everything!

[Tolou]

Thanks  I hope 2 your posts have also helped me as well during times that self reflection was needed and much insightful things you have posted here.