when you're too tired to think and act

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After 3 months of dreadful behaviour, I'm too ground down and sleep deprived to have the strength to deal with this. I've been chased, threatened, he's smashed glasses etc which terrified me, had my new passport taken then returned, a letter from New employer opened so he knows now about that.  I've flexed the house when he's drunk and starts banging about, had massive door slamming, 3 mths Silent treatment, had my clothes flung in the back room and let's not forget the drunken night when I opened my bedroom door next day to find a carving knife on the floor.

Friday, he says that I need to decide how to finish it as HE can't go on living like this. In truth, I've given him no retaliation, I've sent texts to the knife and passport incidents. I'm told what he now does is his business and vice versa. The vice versa doesn't apply.

Friends say I should stay in the house as if I go, he'll make it difficult to sell. I hate being here, we've been together 21 years and I just want to wrap myself up in cotton wool, it feels to hard to deal with and I know that's what he wants. I used yo voice my thoughts and opinions, now I constantly fear a rage and its paralyzing me. And of course, he's the victim.

Have you ever felt like this?

[Tyrwhitt]

After 3 months of dreadful behaviour, I'm too ground down and sleep deprived to have the strength to deal with this. I've been chased, threatened, he's smashed glasses etc which terrified me, had my new passport taken then returned, a letter from New employer opened so he knows now about that.  I've flexed the house when he's drunk and starts banging about, had massive door slamming, 3 mths Silent treatment, had my clothes flung in the back room and let's not forget the drunken night when I opened my bedroom door next day to find a carving knife on the floor.

Friday, he says that I need to decide how to finish it as HE can't go on living like this. In truth, I've given him no retaliation, I've sent texts to the knife and passport incidents. I'm told what he now does is his business and vice versa. The vice versa doesn't apply.

Friends say I should stay in the house as if I go, he'll make it difficult to sell. I hate being here, we've been together 21 years and I just want to wrap myself up in cotton wool, it feels to hard to deal with and I know that's what he wants. I used yo voice my thoughts and opinions, now I constantly fear a rage and its paralyzing me. And of course, he's the victim.

Have you ever felt like this?

[Rise]

I'm so sorry to read this. I can't even imagine what it must be like living with that sort of stress all the time. But I do understand getting worn down by your partner, and as a chronic insomniac I know how much not sleeping just sucks the life out of you. And it amplifies the stress more than you realize at the time. Do you have any friends or family members that would let you stay at there place for a while? Or at the very least let you nap on a couch for a couple hours?

The most important thing I can tell you is to be safe. Yeah, it may be easier to sell the house if he's not there, but that kind of seems like a bit of a secondary issue right now. Worry about you now, tackle the issue of selling a house later. If that means you have to get out and get to someplace you can feel safe and recover, do that. You and your well being are worth way more than any house. Stay safe.

[OutOfEgypt]

One small step at a time.  Soon, you will get there.  I know it feels like you won't, but you will.  Have you read the articles on the site about detaching and ending the relationship?

Your friends might mean well, but they don't know.  They don't get what it is like. 

Have you considered getting a restraining order?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tyrwhitt,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling exhausted and worn down.  Yes, I recognize those symptoms, and my heart goes out to you. It's totally understandable and natural to feel that way. 

Worry about you now, tackle the issue of selling a house later. If that means you have to get out and get to someplace you can feel safe and recover, do that. You and your well being are worth way more than any house. Stay safe.

I agree with Rise.  Taking care of you is the most important thing right now.  Don't let it go, the more stress you take on, the harder it will be to move forward. Have you considered a safety plan?

We have a good resource here:Safety First

Also, you may want to think about calling a local hotline or shelter in your area.  Even if just for informational purposes – they will have resources that might be useful for you in the future.

Tyrwhitt, I think if you can get out of the house and spend time with trusted friends and family it will help your perspective.  It's so hard to see clearly when we are exhausted, scared, and feeling trapped.  You have options, even if they are hard to see at the moment. 

Stay safe and keep writing.  We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Tyrwhitt]

Thanks for all your responses.  It's always so hard when figuring out the best timing, the right thing to do. I slept last night and feel stronger today. I have great friends who I've run to in the night and continually assess exit strategies.  The other night, I went and put my bag in the car, so I only had keys and phone to take. I've changed my seating position in the living area to be closer to the door.

Then, these past two nights, no drinking, all is calm. I start to find myself again.  I'm not a fighter, I hate conflict. I wish I had a more fiery nature to lay the boundaries down, but I'm not. Friends say I need to get more angry, and use that anger. But I'm a thinker, and as such have emotionally detached from this stranger who has become abusive, I'd rather be alone than live like this.

[OutOfEgypt]

You learned to survive.  You know what he's capable of.  Being strategic about how you get out is nothing to feel ashamed of.  You may also have some of what therapists call "learned helplessness" -something that I think is common for us.  One step at a time, one day at a time.  You will be on the other side of this, and you will feel so much better to be out.

Your friends are actually right about the anger.  I'm more intellectual, too, but allowing yourself to feel pain and anger is actually a HUGE part of finding your voice.  Intellectualizing and obsessing and ruminating and calculating all the outcomes is actually a way to avoid those powerful negative feelings, and it keeps us spinning our wheels and stressed out to the max.

[JohnLove]

Hello Tyrwhitt, I have been ground down and have been emotionally exhausted and overtired recently with my BPDgf's behaviour and her projection that I am the one abusing her. If she maintains this position I may just give up hope. I have great friends for support but they have known my BPDgf for longer than I and their advice isn't exactly encouraging in a maintaining a relationship sense.  

Sleep and rest are sometimes our greatest allies.

I am a thinker also and have been angered at the betrayal or abusive behaviour... .especially so if it impacts my children in any way. I have tried both options (occasionally at the same time) and sometimes it is up to them to take charge of their behaviour and have a turn at the wheel. There is only so much we can say and/or do before it becomes unbearable.   :'(

Anger is a strong motivator but I would caution it's use as I have seen it be very destructive in the negative sense. You would have every right to be angry but the thinker in you might have detached early enough so that the anger hasn't formed. Often you can't be angry when someone you dont really care for does something negative. Sad.

[Infern0]

I've been attempting to repair the damage that this had all done to our mutual work,  but it's extremely difficult considering the manipulation factor by her.

She accused me of harassment even though it was her who continuously breached NC begging me for help or to be her friend.  It's so ridiculous.  And when I try to explain the situation people seem to be actually thinking it's me who's got the problem. Well yeah I have serious lasting damage because of this and I have a BPD who's painted me black targeting me

I look like a stalker who couldn't handle rejection even though I was the one who was trying and failing to get away

[letmeout]

Sometimes you have to rescue yourself, even if it means giving up your house and your possessions. I had to do that, and I don't regret it.

Sure, for a time I was angry that I was robbed blind, that some sick monster had abused me, and that I had allowed that abuse to continue for so long.

I may not have what I use to have, but I have freedom from an abusive person! My  entire being feels peaceful and safe now. Time heals.