Obsessing and questions repost

[Rifka]

I thought that i would repost a prior post i made on another thread two nights ago. I think I am progressing and on track and being accountable for the goals and thoughts I have shared here.

I hope that you all don't mind, it's a reminder for myself and hopefully will help somebody else.



Re: Obsession

« Reply #32 on: September 01, 2014, 01:44:18 AM »

Quote

I found this site about ten days ago. I have read so many posts, lessons, and hours upon hours of readings here. I have joined in on at least 10 or so posts. I feel at this point, all of my deep questions have been truly answered here. I was originally obsessing over my ex because I just did not really understand what the hell happened. How can this sweet, kind passionate man switch from Jekyll to Hyde in a split second. How could he tell me that he loves me so deeply yesterday and then the next day not know how he feels about me. Truthfully this site really did have all of the answers that I so deeply needed to know and understand. As difficult as it was to swallow some of it because I love him with all of my heart, I accept what I read. It's time to accept and move forward with me. I have neglected the importance of myself by focusing every ounce of me on him. I refuse to spend any more time and energy continuing this cycle of everything being about him anymore. Yes there are some tough moments everytime somebody asks where he is from one of my social groups, but I don't let it be more than a moment, again now it's about me getting healthy again. He truly is not worring about me anymore, so somebody has to! I hope to be off of this site soon because I have taken the knowledge I can get and hopefully share it to make somebody else's journey toward themselves easier. I know it has to happen soon. Sept 3 will be a month since our breakup. I am 10 days nc. Together 9 months. I just refuse to suffer any longer for love for somebody who has no love for me. I have suffered enough turmoil trying to please him. I am so much happier the last 10 days. The weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. On my way to recovery finding myself and loving the wonderful me as I always had before I experienced trying to help a disorder I knew nothing about.i have taken full responsibility for accepting such poor treatment, love me, love me not episodes, verbal attacks, mistrust, and not stepping away from this the first time I knew I should before the first recycle. It is what it is and I have learned to be safer the next time. I am taking a time out for myself and my heart to heal because I do mourn a real love that I had, even if it was only one sided. It's a good day, I made it 24 hours without crying. I don't have to hear anymore lies anymore and question myself. I am in a better place today. Tomorrow will be even better because I want it to be that way. I am in charge of me and my emotions. Sorry for ranting, it's part of my healing. Have a good Monday everybody. I hope that you all start ranting and taking your emotions back and worry about yourselves. I was getting so sick from my exBPDbf. I'm taking control of my health and well being again. This week I will delete all pictures, pack up his memories, and try to stop looking backwards at what was. It's time for what will be!

[Rifka]

To follow up this last post.

All gifts and letters and cards have been discarded and picked up by the garbage men as of last Thursday.

Friday and Saturday was delete all pics from my phone and iPad days!

This week will be hit the " delete the texts" button on my phone.

I haven't decided the day yet, but it will happen.

The more I get rid of the stronger I become!

Maybe it's just me?

[Popcorn71]

The more I get rid of the stronger I become!

Maybe it's just me?

I felt that way too.  Getting rid of anything that had anything to do with my ex made me feel better.  I am happy for you that you are feeling stronger.

I will caution however, that you should be prepared for down days.  Don't be surprised if suddenly for no real reason you feel low or miss your ex.  I think this happens to all of us.  It certainly happened to me and still does a year on.

But remember that everyone here is supporting you and cares.

[Rifka]

The more I get rid of the stronger I become!

Maybe it's just me?

I felt that way too.  Getting rid of anything that had anything to do with my ex made me feel better.  I am happy for you that you are feeling stronger.

I will caution however, that you should be prepared for down days.  Don't be surprised if suddenly for no real reason you feel low or miss your ex.  I think this happens to all of us.  It certainly happened to me and still does a year on.

But remember that everyone here is supporting you and cares.

Hi popcorn,

My ex was a figment in my imagination. He was what I created in my own mind and he mirrored me to have me.

I don't miss him, I miss being held at night by somebody I truly loved, but really didn't love me in the same capacity. I get all of that, so I'm not going to dwell. We did our recycling dance for long enough!

I'm not saying that I don't still shed an occasional tear for my loss, because that would not be true.

I am just a realist, I was in over my head, I accept defeat to the disorder, I refuse to do the the dance again!

Yes there are some bad moments because it hurts, I invested my whole heart.

It's dead, it's finished, maybe he has moved on, maybe not. It's not my business or my concern anymore.

I'm on track and strong. I'm having fun, getting out a lot, surrounded by friends and being happy me again. I really am happy!

Being happy does not mean you don't have a weak moment here and there with your heart and emotions.

I am not angry at my ex or hateful, he is mentally sick!

I just refuse to sign up for anymore of the abuse I experienced towards the end!

Thanks for being there popcorn, I am here for you all as well. I don't sleep much, so I am here crazy hours reading, learning and sometimes responding.

[pieceofme]

rifka, i have followed your posts since you joined the site and i'm always moved by your words and your strength. i'm still struggling with fully escaping my ex's reach and relearning to focus upon myself. you inspire me and i hope that i can soon be where you are 

[Rifka]

rifka, i have followed your posts since you joined the site and i'm always moved by your words and your strength. i'm still struggling with fully escaping my ex's reach and relearning to focus upon myself. you inspire me and i hope that i can soon be where you are 

Thank you piece of me. That's very sweet!

It's not easy, but anything worthwhile usually is not easy!

I hope that you move on to your next stage soon.

[KeepOnGoing]

Good for you! Dear giving us all some hope. I'm happy to report that I have not done any cyber stalking for at least four days. No Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Google searches.

Keep On Going!

[Rifka]

Good for you! Dear giving us all some hope. I'm happy to report that I have not done any cyber stalking for at least four days. No Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Google searches.

Keep On Going!

Well keep going and try to make it a week, then two then a month. Damn pride can do that and curiosity.

I don't care to know anything at all about him, it's all about me now!

I hope you realize how unhealthy it is to your recovery to focus on your ex instead of yourself.

When you are ready, you will do it too! No contact, no stalking, no peeking!

Thanks for your note!

[screwedfriend]

I am moved to tears each time i read anything you have posted and your responses to my posts and messages. You are so very eloquent and I can indentify so much with how you feel, though earlier in my recovery from what as you said was a totally one sided relationship. You inspire me as well because your strength does show in that eloquence and encourages me to gain the self love and confidence to forever end the vicious cycle that has damaged me so. Thank you so much once again. If you don't write for a living you certainly should consider it because I feel you have a natural talent and potential to continue inspiring people. Good luck and best wishes and may you find true happiness. Your words tell me you are on the right track and most certainly will.

[Rifka]

I am moved to tears each time i read anything you have posted and your responses to my posts and messages. You are so very eloquent and I can indentify so much with how you feel, though earlier in my recovery from what as you said was a totally one sided relationship. You inspire me as well because your strength does show in that eloquence and encourages me to gain the self love and confidence to forever end the vicious cycle that has damaged me so. Thank you so much once again. If you don't write for a living you certainly should consider it because I feel you have a natural talent and potential to continue inspiring people. Good luck and best wishes and may you find true happiness. Your words tell me you are on the right track and most certainly will.

Screwed,

Thank you so much for your letter.

We are all doing this together!

We are all important and deserve to be loved as we love!

It makes me smile to know I have made you feel good or made you think about yourself.

One step at a time, we will get there, some faster, some slower.

We will stumble, sometimes recycle, sometimes break N/C, cry, make excuses, be angry, be sad, be strong and then weak again. WE ARE HUMAN, it's all okay!

We will get there to that place of peace in our minds.

We will laugh more often, smile more often, feel alive again, see the sunshine, hear the children playing and the birds singing.

We will once again possibly stop to smell the flowers and appreciate life again.

It's just a matter of time!

Hugs to you all on these threads. You have helped me more than you can imagine!

Rifka