How do you dig your way out of self-rejection?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I had a meeting today with my boss who is really a wonderful support and encouragement to me. We had some conversation during which she gave me gentle reprimand, and my internal reaction to what I perceived as disappointment in me was not a happy one. I think outwardly I did okay, but the inner beating up I did to myself was so discouraging. I knew the reaction was automatic, one that had its roots in those long ago moments of childhood with my uBPDm. My disappointment in myself turned inward, making me wonder if I will ever be able to overcome how I respond to criticism. I wish that someday I'll heal enough to not over react and beat myself up. I hate how I feel, so worthless, shamed, self-rejecting. Anyone else ever been there with me in this? Any great tips on how to walk yourself back out of the pit you dig for yourself? 

It was interesting to follow along and see the wide swings my mood took. I went from feeling sad and discouraged to angry that I have not been able to overcome this step of not doing well with criticism. Not only did I reject myself, but I also felt like I wanted to isolate myself and reject everyone else who is so kind to me too. I thought about how my boss doesn't define me, nor does the situation define me. I also tried to figure out how I could self-soothe, but I don't know as I'm quite there yet and able to figure that part out. I was able to be outside working in the yard, and that helped me use a lot of physical energy to burn off the frustration while I mentally chastised myself. Now I'm just tired. I was able to think of some of the conversations I've had with my T, and those things helped, but I had to let the pain run it's course before I could see to the other side.

Woolspinner

[Woolspinner2000]

I had a meeting today with my boss who is really a wonderful support and encouragement to me. We had some conversation during which she gave me gentle reprimand, and my internal reaction to what I perceived as disappointment in me was not a happy one. I think outwardly I did okay, but the inner beating up I did to myself was so discouraging. I knew the reaction was automatic, one that had its roots in those long ago moments of childhood with my uBPDm. My disappointment in myself turned inward, making me wonder if I will ever be able to overcome how I respond to criticism. I wish that someday I'll heal enough to not over react and beat myself up. I hate how I feel, so worthless, shamed, self-rejecting. Anyone else ever been there with me in this? Any great tips on how to walk yourself back out of the pit you dig for yourself? 

It was interesting to follow along and see the wide swings my mood took. I went from feeling sad and discouraged to angry that I have not been able to overcome this step of not doing well with criticism. Not only did I reject myself, but I also felt like I wanted to isolate myself and reject everyone else who is so kind to me too. I thought about how my boss doesn't define me, nor does the situation define me. I also tried to figure out how I could self-soothe, but I don't know as I'm quite there yet and able to figure that part out. I was able to be outside working in the yard, and that helped me use a lot of physical energy to burn off the frustration while I mentally chastised myself. Now I'm just tired. I was able to think of some of the conversations I've had with my T, and those things helped, but I had to let the pain run it's course before I could see to the other side.

Woolspinner

[SomerledDottir]

Ahhh, Woolspinner, I wish I had some answers for you.  Upfront I will tell you I'm not posting any help or advice, only empathy.  I'm curious to see the responses of those who have advice on this topic, cuz I do this, too.

No one even needs to give me a reprimand.  All that is necessary is for ME not to be 100% happy with the way I respond to a customer, co-worker, or situation and I will beat myself up for hours, days, even weeks.  Too bad I don't pat myself on the back equally for the good stuff I do, cuz I do some of that, too, but I always seem to place more emphasis on my screw-ups.

In recent months I have gotten a little better at taking myself in hand when I hear the internal self-condemning going on and say to myself, "Stop it!  Figure out an action plan to fix this incident and then LET IT GO!".  And sometimes I can do that.  But not often enough.

Wish i could be more helpful, but one thing I'm sure of: Your boss respects you and values your work, and knows, like we do here, that you're a good person, otherwise the reprimand would've been anything but gentle.    and here's hoping we get some good advice!

[Kwamina]

Hello Woolspinner2000

I think outwardly I did okay, but the inner beating up I did to myself was so discouraging. I knew the reaction was automatic, one that had its roots in those long ago moments of childhood with my uBPDm. My disappointment in myself turned inward, making me wonder if I will ever be able to overcome how I respond to criticism. I wish that someday I'll heal enough to not over react and beat myself up. I hate how I feel, so worthless, shamed, self-rejecting. Anyone else ever been there with me in this? Any great tips on how to walk yourself back out of the pit you dig for yourself?  

It was interesting to follow along and see the wide swings my mood took. I went from feeling sad and discouraged to angry that I have not been able to overcome this step of not doing well with criticism.

I think this is something many children of BPD parents struggle with. The need for approval can be very powerful if you were raised in a highly invalidating environment in which you were frequently criticized. Something that might help you is to accept the way you feel even if you don't like your feelings. You might experience your emotional reactions to criticism as unpleasant but it still is what it is and considering what you've been through, your reactions are probably quite normal. It might be easier if you didn't feel that way in the first place, but that's something you can work on.

I've found self-soothing very helpful, doing something I enjoy, eating something I like, watching a movie etc. In fact I've found that just doing something helps to combat the negative emotions like doing the dishes, vacuuming, ironing etc. When you're feeling this low it can be hard to get yourself to do something, partly because you feel like it won't help anyway and that the negative emotions won't go away. But as you start to do something I have found that it actually helps to make me feel better. For instance, I might have felt bad after getting criticism and maybe it would have been better if I hadn't felt that way, but at least I've done all the dishes, ironed all my clothes and my carpet is clean so I don't have to beat myself down about too  And now that all the chores are done I might as well do something I really like! I've found that this actually helps me a great deal because afterwards I'm able to compliment myself for the fact that in spite all the difficult emotions, I was still able to do the things that needed to be done while still allowing myself to feel the way I do.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you SomerledDottir for your kind empathy. It does help a lot to not be alone. I have finally been able to separate the fact that my boss was/is not disappointed in me, just in the fact that I didn't call her. They are two separate situations. That's one good thing to figure out. As you pointed out and it's a good reminder, my boss does respect me. That's a positive that I need to keep going back to.

Kwamina, thank you also for your good ideas. I did smile at the thought of how much work one could get done! I've been doing a lot of staining of our pergola these past few days... .it may be getting done much quicker than it otherwise would've!  I really think your point of trying to accept those emotions I'm experiencing to be sound advice. That is what helped me to be able to separate the fact of what was going on from the feelings, so thank you for that. It's very true that looking at what I'm feeling, to recognize it as valid, is probably just as important as anything else, probably more so than criticizing myself for having emotions. This is especially important when allowing myself to feel is still pretty new.

I feel as if each time I come around the track, this hurdle of disappointment and disapproval trips me up every time. Not only am I unable to clear it and move on, I knock it over every time, trip, fall, skin my hands and knees and sit on the ground wiping away tears of frustration and hurt from the pain cuz it does hurt. I see hurdles still in front of me that are just as high, and it's tough to keep going and learning and healing, but I know I will anyway.

I have been considering how this whole 'merging' thing that my mom did with me, the 'good child,' has affected not only my relationship with her, but merging has affected my inability to separate from the emotions of others for as in this situation with my boss, I feel responsible for her reactions and thus everyone else's. I don't know how to separate and be responsible for my own emotions, let alone those of someone else. It becomes notable when there is disappointment, but the flip side is also true therefore: that I'd be responsible for their happiness. This type of response is not serving me well at all in life. It is controlling and detrimental to me. Makes me angry actually, more than just a little.

I'll learn from this experience, just as we each do, and it'll become a part of the healing journey.

Woolspinner

[Ziggiddy]

Hi WoolSpinner

I was chilled to read of your experience as I had a similar one this week- yesterday in fact and I learned a good deal of useful stuff from the way I viewed it this time as opposed to my usual way.

First I must tell you how great it was that you became aware of what was happening to you - a certain type of detachment that you evoked helped you to identify the problem - that you were beating yourself up. moreover, you decided that you didn't want to do that anymore. Now you are ready for the next step - identifying technique and solution. Well done you!

Me I have been thinking on it this way: my reading as of late has been about how emotionally/verbally abused and criticised kids feel a certain type of adrenalised fear which becomes so ingrained that it gets hard to identify after a whole childhood of feeling it. The kid does everything to escape the awful feeling of not being good enough and the underlying scary thought that "My parent doesn't love me" You may not be aware of it, but beating yourself up internally is a way of escaping the same pain so deeply grooved in yourself. Sounds crazy huh? I thought so!

The therapy I had found very useful to address this was to start out with the inner child. See yourself as a little kid, maybe playing in a park swinging on a swing, sliding down the slide. You see yourself doing all the things that delight a child and you see yourself as the happy little girl you were.

Then, she sees YOU! She runs over just so delighted that you are there. Maybe climbs up on your lap and tells you excitedly how she swung up so high and whooshed down that slide SO fast! And you congratulate her and approve of her. You let her speak to you and revel in her pleasure.

Congratulations! You have just met yourself! Your inner little friend. From now on in you are going to care for her. Keep her close. Approve of her and love her and listen to her. She's YOURS! You are going to protect her and help her know you will always ALWAYS be there for her.

Now I was in this situation - a business transaction which went wrong from the other end. I stopped payment as I hadn't received it after they failed to find it. The reaction I got was out of line with the action. I received a reply to my (LEGITIMATE!) kindly worded email which was snarky, sarcastic and blamed everyone except herself - whose responsibilty it was!

Now I was - like you - trying to detach from the sick feeling of being criticised and find a way to reduce my distress and become reasonable. I took deep breaths. I took a walk. I wrote an imaginary reply. I did everything but look at the fear and pain that was being evoked. But then I realised I hadn't looked for the little inner me. Where was she? I was panicked. I knew she was somewhere hiding around here.

I just told her "Keep with me. I'm here with you. Stay with me" And then I ... .well I just turned to 'face the adrenaline' so to speak. Went through it. Still reassuring myself that I was here. And in the midst of it a strong sudden memory of how much I HATED getting told off as a kid. How awful it felt. Then I realised it was an emotional memory I was responding to. And by going through the pain and fear instead of reasoning it away or walking it away or responding to the email-ing it away, I was reducing it!

Woolspinner, I really think you are coming ready to feel your fear. You are receptive to understanding and you are reaching out for answers. Do you think you might be able to take Little Woolly in hand and hold her tight while you face some of the pain and fear you were never equipped to metabolise as a child? Do you think you could love her through it and be the parent she should have had? Do you think she deserves to be beaten up with someone's stick? Or should she deserve your fullest love and self protection? Could you try to keep from leaving her behind when she's scared and hurting?

I have seen the way you write and the way you care and I KNOW you can do all these things! You could be Little Woolly's loving parent instead of criticising parent. Let us know what you find out. I am very very curious as to what you experience.

Lots of love from Little Zig to Little Woolly!

[Woolspinner2000]

Ziggiddy (& to Little Zig  ),

What can I say to your response except that the first time I read it through my eyes filled with tears? :'( Then I read it a second time and had to keep blinking away the tears again. I took a break and went outside to paint (that pergola is half stained now!), and I guess I just have to say I cannot get through reading about Little Wooly without getting teary eyed. That is such an interesting concept to say the least. There have been some times in the recent month or two that I've allowed myself to begin remembering, and instead of running away in fear, asking myself what did I feel and what did I pull away as that little child in whatever memory came up. I've begun allowing myself (perhaps that inner child without realizing it) to feel sadness and grief, and boy has there been a lot of grief. Grief over remembering for the umpteeth time the sounds of your parents fighting again, hitting, and yelling and the hopelessness of it all as I stood with my brother and we cried. Guess that's #4 of the survivor's guide-the re-experiencing of the memory.

Thank you for sharing your story of your own struggle this week. It's good to know I'm not alone. I too tried all the extra things: positive thoughts, verbalizing with someone, breathing, exercise, all to no avail. I tried what Kwamina suggested, to see what I was feeling, and do you know through that I was able to separate that my boss was disappointed that I didn't call her, but not disappointed with me. There is a great difference between those two.

I met with my T this week, and he encouraged me to pull out my list of feeling words and see what I was feeling at that very moment and immediately after when I felt criticized by my boss. Wow! Was that revealing! Some of the words I wrote down included ashamed, in despair, distressed, terrified, anguish, panic.  I looked at those feelings which were so real and realized they had NOTHING to do with my boss because she is never like that nor has she ever treated me that way.  In fact, she was protective of me and said she would never send me into a situation like I had encountered by myself again. She said she would always go with me.

So like you Ziggiddy, I'm pretty sure I was having a response to an emotional memory.

my reading as of late has been about how emotionally/verbally abused and criticised kids feel a certain type of adrenalised fear which becomes so ingrained that it gets hard to identify after a whole childhood of feeling it. The kid does everything to escape the awful feeling of not being good enough and the underlying scary thought that "My parent doesn't love me" You may not be aware of it, but beating yourself up internally is a way of escaping the same pain so deeply grooved in yourself. Sounds crazy huh? I thought so!

I am blown away by the thought that I can protect that inner child and delight in her. I don't want to leave her unprotected ever again. I would much rather be Little Wolly's loving parent and end the criticizing for isn't that just to repeat what our BPD person did to us? I think I shall take time to walk back through what happened and take another look, this time perhaps while holding the hand of little me.

Woolspinner

[SomerledDottir]

Ahhh, Ziggiddy, good stuff!  :'  Thanks!

[Ziggiddy]

Woolspinner I was quite moved by your comments. I too thought Kwamina mad e agood point with separating up the different components to your feelings. i'm glad you were able to do that. it's such a great step! 

your boss sounds like a real winner.

I am sorry you are sad and grieving Woolspinner but I'm also kind of happy and relieved for you too. You have been carrying this pain and sadness for so long. It may be the right time to finally lay your burden down and just carry your load. I wish you menaingful exchanges with yourself and I wish that when it all gets a bit much and too painful and too hard as it will, I hope you come back and tell it all. I wish you resolution to the things that have been hurting you and relief from knowing you don't deserve them.

I wish you compassion and kindness for yourself the way you give it to others.

And I wish you all the joy that discovering yourself brings.


SLD - I am glad you enjoyed    I hope you can find useful stuff in this. I am already feeling effects from trying to put it into practise!

[trees]

I am not great with criticism, even constructive criticism. It's something that I'm really trying to work on. At first, I thought I see some specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but then thought I'd try online CBT first to see what I thought.

I signed up for the moodgym (there's a link on one of the other pages on this site or you can just google it). It's free & totally anonymous. It's geared for teenagers but I've found it really helpful so far. It's also confirmed what I knew about myself -- one of the earlier tests revealed I have some really "warpy" thoughts when it comes to the need for approval.

Anyways, I'm not very far along in the lessons, but the general idea is "how you think is how you feel." So if you change the way you think about events (i.e., criticism), you can change your feelings and your resulting behaviors.

The other thing I've been doing lately whenever I get the urge to beat up on myself or others in my head is to repeat a positive affirmation instead. (Mine is really simple: "I am smart, I am creative. I am loved." It instantly makes me feel better and calm. I was a little dubious of the idea at first, but I can honestly say it has helped me a lot.

[Woolspinner2000]

Trees,

Welcome to the BPD family! And thank you for your helpful thoughts. These ideas are very good!

the general idea is "how you think is how you feel." So if you change the way you think about events (i.e., criticism), you can change your feelings and your resulting behaviors.

The other thing I've been doing lately whenever I get the urge to beat up on myself or others in my head is to repeat a positive affirmation instead. (Mine is really simple: "I am smart, I am creative. I am loved." It instantly makes me feel better and calm. I was a little dubious of the idea at first, but I can honestly say it has helped me a lot.

I too have found that if I speak out loud something positive, it is amazing how much it helps. Thank you for the reminder because I forget to do this and it works so well. Too true that how you think is how you feel!

Ziggiddy, you reminded me of my T (in a happy way) when you said you are "kind of happy"  for my being in this place because he gets that way too, not only when I'm discovering the positive, but also when I make some major steps forward as I'm doing in this situation through the tough stuff. It's an ironic kind of happiness, isn't it? But I totally get it. None of us want to walk through anymore pain in our lives for haven't we already had enough thank you? Yet to get to the healing of ourselves, we have to walk through the pain. It is a pain with hope at the end though as compared with our childhood pain which didn't have hope.

Last week was particularly hard for me, not only for this issue of the criticism, but in my reaching a place of actually verbalizing in therapy for the first time that the emotional enmeshment/incest which my uBPDm did was so very wrong, hurtful to my brother and me, and it has affected us and left scars on us. So your kind words and wishes have touched all the way to my heart, and I feel the kindness and support you are offering to me. Thank you. I'm getting closer and closer to laying this burden down.

A happy thought to let you know: yesterday when I was feeling trapped, I took time to realize it was a reaction from long ago and that there was probably a little girl feeling trapped inside me. I took time to call for her to come out and told her that we'd get through this together; that we'd figure it out what we had to do to feel less trapped. You know what? It helped a lot and was comforting.  From Little Wooly to Lil' Zig:  

Woolspinner

[Kwamina]

A happy thought to let you know: yesterday when I was feeling trapped, I took time to realize it was a reaction from long ago and that there was probably a little girl feeling trapped inside me. I took time to call for her to come out and told her that we'd get through this together; that we'd figure it out what we had to do to feel less trapped. You know what? It helped a lot and was comforting.

Hi little Wooly

I'm glad you're feeling better! Ziggidy aka Lil' Zig has given you some great advice

@trees welcome here and I'm glad you're working on healing yourself. CBT has worked for me too and I'm glad it has been helpful to you too. The need for approval can be very powerful, it's good that you've identified it because you can now work on new ways of dealing with these 'warpy' thoughts. Positive affirmations are great!

[trees]

Thank you guys for the welcome!

Woolspinner-- I'm glad you are feeling better!