1 Year relationship is a ... Fling?

[Flora73]

Ok so my ExBPDgf called me, slightly agitated and described our 1 yr relationship as a good fling... .

So... .Im thinking actions speak louder than words   like she called me 

Ummm Devaluation? 

Any input?

Skip... .you there?

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[Flora73]

Forgot to mention, she said I don't know who I am... . 

[Algae]

It's possible it might of been a rebound relationship.  Or just another excuse to get away.

When my BPDex breaks up everynow and then, she always throws out a bunch of excuses from a bag like, "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE LET THEM GO!"  and I'm like... wow dont give me that crap -.-.

Or she'll say, "Ive been feeling this for a long time!"  Which she hasn't, because the day before she was literally crying at how perfect I was.  Or she'll say, "It's too messy!"  When it's not at all.  Then after I call her out on ALL of it, she'll say... "WELL IDK OK MAYBE IM NOT attracted anymore to you".  Which is a lie because the night before she wanted me so bad.

Basically... I think she's just giving an excuse.

[forget-me-not]

I got the same exact thing!

After he broke it off because " you didn't love me enough " and " you're a constant source of irritation,"  I got texts which said our 2 year relationship was obviously just a fling to me, that I don't know what love is, and that I need to get a clue who I am because " it's not pretty"

Telling you that you don't know who you are is projection.  She herself is struggling with who she is and most likely always will. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Using SET and JADE was helpful ( to some degree) and I wish you much success !

[maxsterling]

Ok so my ExBPDgf called me, slightly agitated and described our 1 yr relationship as a good fling... .

So... .Im thinking actions speak louder than words   like she called me 

Ummm Devaluation? 

Any input?

Skip... .you there?

Typical.  I can think of a few things that may be going through her head -1) she has no concept of relationships other than a "fling" 2) The push/pull - she wants to make things out to be less than they were because what they were was uncomfortable for her. 3) As mentioned in other responses - projection. 

In regards to #1 - my fiancé has told me that I have shown her what "love is".  I really think she has no concept of what a healthy relationship is.  She talks about having lots of sexual partners in the past, but having few "boyfriends".  And this relates to #2 because she obviously had "boyfriends" she wanted more from, because she goes on and on about how many times she has been "dumped".  This leads me to believe that when she does get dumped, or the r/s ends, that is her way of mentally moving past - classifying the r/s as just an insignificant fling and they guy as just another boso meanwhile forgetting that at one time that man was he whole life. 

[Flora73]

Dear All,

Quick questions which I'm sure will have some interest.

do BPD know when they are painting your black?

Thank you so much.

Flora

[Marvis]

I honestly don't think they know the full extent of the painting black. The confusion and hurt it causes us. We were white seconds ago, the hell just happened?   I think it's the fight, flight, freeze mechanism kicking in and they don't know how to handle it. So many emotions at the same time can be overwhelming for anyone but I cant imagine how hard it is for someone who can't distinguish the differences between anger and disappointment or doesn't have the ability to even be slightly content with life's goodness. They can only see the negative,  there's no positive for them. It's so sad to see it happening and not be able to help.

[Flora73]

My goodness

Been 90 days of trying so hard to break through to my ex BPD gf... .

Been 15 NC and I got asked today if I wanted to have dinner tomorrow night with a very beautiful woman... .

Part of me wants to go on the dinner date but part of me wants to stay faithful... .

What to do?

Or should I say what am I being faithful to?

Please some advice, I would post this on the leaving board but I know what people will say there... .

[Algae]

My goodness

Been 90 days of trying so hard to break through to my ex BPD gf... .

Been 15 NC and I got asked today if I wanted to have dinner tomorrow night with a very beautiful woman... .

Part of me wants to go on the dinner date but part of me wants to stay faithful... .

What to do?

Or should I say what am I being faithful to?

Please some advice, I would post this on the leaving board but I know what people will say there... .

Well... I might be a little too young for this one so Idk if I would take my advice.  I still go by Highschool/beginning College rules.  So I could be wrong in all of this.  Take it with a grain of salt.

But heres my opinion anyway.  I think you should go on the date.  Why?  Because it'll be better for you than just sitting around NC, torturing yourself about your ex and being stressed.  But I don't think you should rush into things with this New girl.  I think you should just go and see what happens.

If you stay 'faithful' to somebody who doesnt want you now... but might later... (your BPDex), then why would they want to come back?  She could possibly think "Well he'll always be there, so I have nothing to worry about.  I'll continue Splitting with him (if she does that), try someone else, and if it doesnt workout... then i'll just go back to him, knowing that he'll take me back.

I think you should go with this new girl, have fun, yadda yadda.  Post that your having fun on Instagram or facebook or whatever social media you use (if you use one).  Smile, but don't make your Ex think that youre moving on to a new girl.  It'll just make her feel more abandoned and possibly make her pull away more from you. 

If she sees you just out having fun however, she'll possibly get anxious, jealous, and message you back.  BPD's are knwn to stalk profiles or facebook or whatever.

15 days NC isn't long btw.  It's just 2 weeks.  Most people on this board have their BPD ex come back after 2-4 months.  Don't rush things, just go have fun.

[Flora73]

Thank you algae

I don't feel comfortable moving on... .

Here's the but... .I have tried everything with my exBPDgf

I feel I have been a door Matt... .

I have never been NC this long so I'm sure it's having an impact on my exBPDgf but I can't hang around.

I need to clear my mind and look at options.

Don't get me wrong, it's just that I have never been treated so poorly by a human being.

I'm not sure if I can forgive her. I know that the way she has treated me pales in comparison to how she has been treated as a child. But this is no excuse.

I have an open mind.

I am complete as I am & I trust in what I don't know yet.

I also trust skip will be proud of that last sentence

[Algae]

Thank you algae

I don't feel comfortable moving on... .

Here's the but... .I have tried everything with my exBPDgf

I feel I have been a door Matt... .

I have never been NC this long so I'm sure it's having an impact on my exBPDgf but I can't hang around.

I need to clear my mind and look at options.

Don't get me wrong, it's just that I have never been treated so poorly by a human being.

I'm not sure if I can forgive her. I know that the way she has treated me pales in comparison to how she has been treated as a child. But this is no excuse.

I have an open mind.

I am complete as I am & I trust in what I don't know yet.

I also trust skip will be proud of that last sentence

Well youre among friends.  I have a thread on here somewhere showing how much ive been treated like ___ as well.  Like no sane human being would ever even treat a dog how they treated me and I'm sure you feel the same way.

The best way to get an ex back is by NC.  Talking to an ex from what I've seen and from personal experience... never works out and just stresses them out more.  You don't have to move on, and if youre not comfortable with it, then dont!  You can just go out with this girl as friends.  You don't even have to let your Ex know youre moving on (Even tho youre not).  You can just let her NC and sulk in her thoughts as she sees you smiling or out having fun (if you do take pics or have a facebook or idk.  If you dont then its fine).  But either way... she's going to be wondering. 

Out of site- out of mind only works for so long.  But once they feel like they might actually be alone and lose you... then they come back out of fear they'll be alone.  I think that if they continue talking to you even after breakup... they don't feel like theyre going to lose you so thats why they don't come back?  I could be wrong.

[Flora73]

Thx algae... .

I'm seriously just over it... .

I love her but... .F@$k me it's hard wk.

I need to regroup and feel proud of myself for my NC even though it's not that long... .

But 75 days of working my a$$ off for just more insults kills me.

I know it's not deliberate though

Flora

[merlin4926]

I tried to talk to my expbd once about this, trying to remind him of all the positive and good stuff we shared. He said he did remember but "all the bad overtakes the good" .  he was very upset and on that occasion I believe he was trying to stop himself but when he actually split me black he had no awareness that's what he was doing.

I saw him do it to other people. He split his best friend once and couldn't see anything good about her, couldn't even stand the sound of her voice. He split people for minor crimes like not inviting him to a party. Other times she would actually do something really horrible but he was fine with her.  His bro slept with his ex - she was split black but him and bro were fine. It really doesn't make any sense .

The first time he split me he said "it's just the way my brain goes sometimes" soon as he needed me he got over it quick enough.  It's v hard but we have to remember it's not about us

[Flora73]

It's so hard to get your head around... .

But I hear you... .

[Flora73]

Merlin,

How long did he paint you black for?

Flora