Daughter with BPD, maybe...

[BamBams_Dad]

Hello, I'm obviously new, looking for a group of people that I can relate to regarding my daughter. I suspect very strongly that she has BPD, but being under age, I've been told that she typically can't be diagnosed with the disorder.

She currently has been hospitalized 4 times, and is currently staying at a residential  hospital because of self-harming and depression. After reading the book, "stop walking on egg shells", I became concerned that my wife and I can not handle this alone. I'm hoping to find advise in this forum, so that we can better manage our expectations when it comes to raising our daughter after she comes back from the hospital.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello eburs and 

I'm sorry you find yourself in the difficult position of trying to help your daughter when you suspect she has BPD. It must be difficult to watch her be hospitalized. You've definitely come to the right place for a group who can relate. 

The more I'm around this site, the more I realize that when a child suffers from BPD not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often so is everyone who loves them. BPD impacts the whole family -- there's tons of drama, and often anxiety and guilt for everyone. The good news is that there is support here, and lots of information that can help. I suggest you read: What can a parent do?. And you can read and post your story on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board. You'll learn ways you can communicate and support your daughter.

When do you expect your home from the hospital? Will there be support for her when she leaves?

Welcome again.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, eburs & I'd like to join NorthernGirl in welcoming you to our family. How old is your daughter? I'm so sorry that her symptoms and behaviors have caused your family so much trauma, and have sent her to the hospital so many times. My own son (37) was just diagnosed with BPD in 2013, and prior to that had been hospitalized for Suicidal Ideations twice, and in Rehab for a Heroin Addiction twice, till he was finally admitted to an intensive 21-day In-Patient Dual Diagnosis Center in 2013 where he was diagnosed with BPD. Since then he has been in treatment for it and is in recovery from it, so I want to let you know that there is hope for your daughter 

Although she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD because of her age, you have finally figured it out and you have found us, so you are having a good head start with helping her to recover. Please take a look at every link to the right-hand side of this page; the information there will give you a very good understanding of what is driving your daughter's symptoms and behaviors, and how to handle them. I do know that finding this site right after my own son's diagnosis really saved his recovery and the well-being of our family. Keep posting, reading all you can, and asking us questions... .It really will help, eburs 

[HealingSpirit]

Hello eburs,

I'd like to join NorthernGirl and Rapt Reader in welcoming you to our family. I am so sorry you have been dealing with the challenges from your suicidal daughter.  I understand what you're going through! My daughter is 17, but she became suicidal and emotionally dysregulated around age 11 (with the onset of puberty).  She started self-harming and cutting, but we never knew about it until her mid-teens.  She was hospitalized for the first time in May, after a severe cutting incident landed her in a pediatric mental hospital. The stress from that was unbelievable. My heart goes out to you and your wife for having to go through this 4 times already! 

I'm soo glad you found us. It is also good that your daughter is safe at an RTC at the moment because it will give you time to learn and practice new ways of responding to her that can help ALL of you in the long run. Hopefully, knowing she is safe will give you and your wife a much-needed break from all the stress and drama you've been enduring.   

It really is a shame that the mental health community is still reluctant to diagnose BPD prior to age 18 because there IS evidence based treatment for BPD that helps.  Dr. Blaise Aguirre (featured in a video on this site) discusses the recent research from a study that showed that young teens who presented with BPD symptoms were later diagnosed with the disorder in their early adulthood.  He opened an adolescent BPD wing at McLean Hospital, where they treat very severe cases.  They have had a lot of success treating very suicidal young teens by starting Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  The sooner a person with BPD symptoms learns DBT, the better.  Dr. Aguirre also wrote a book, "BPD and Adolescence."  I read it and I recommend it, but I recommend you START with Valerie Porr's book, "Overcoming BPD."  I am reading it now, and I wish I had read it first.  She discusses BPD in a way that makes is easier to be compassionate toward our child and to better understand their suffering.  She also goes into detail about how families can learn and use DBT to help themselves cope with and help their loved ones.

How old is your daughter? Do you have other children?  Are you and your wife currently seeing a therapist?  People with BPD need validation, but we parents ALSO need validation because the chronic stress we live with is so misunderstood by our society.  It really helps to come here and vent to other parents who KNOW what it's like to love someone suffering with BPD.

Hang in there! I'm glad you found us.

[BamBams_Dad]

Thanks everyone, my daughter is 14. Yesterday while she was coming back from school to the hospital (residential facility), she conspired to attack another patient.  When the hospital staff intervened, she claimed she was defending her roommates honor. She's never gone to this extreme before in her rages. She has had violent activity, but never conspired to assault someone else. I'm fearful that this may lead to more escalation, and that if she comes home it could lead to assaulting us or even our toddler son. Has anyone else experienced such a thing?

From what the director of therapy at the hospital was saying, she seems to just love the attention on her, even if its bad. She doesn't seen it as a consequence.

I had my daughter in DBT training through an intensive outpatient (IOP) center where I live for about 7 weeks prior to her last hospitalization. At this point, I have nothing good to say about that facility as they were basically calling us bad parents for not understanding her behavior. I learned more out of the book "stop walking on egg shells", than I did in the 7 weeks of DBT sessions, and 3 other hospitalizations. The IOP didn't believe she had DBT, but instead had PTSD, even though her private therapist, and doctors disagreed. They then forced us to put her into a nutrition program to help her eat better. After she committed several incidences of self-harm after her last meeting there, we had to hospitalize her again. I fear that the IOP did more harm than good.

I'm glad I found this site, and I hope to find a local support group as well.

[wildchild]

Welcome to the group,  I have only been on the board for about 2 or 3 days now and all ready I am feeling some  minor relief because I don't feel so alone.  The support here is overwhelming. The advice is helpful.  The biggest thing for me have been learning the how to detach my emotions and understanding that every time my son does the things that he does and I have to detach for a while it is a grieving process.    Mental illness is a struggle for people who don't deal with it to understand. They don't see what we saw at home with our son and it can be so isolating and painful.  You have found a wonderful place for support.  Pay attention to the tools and the lessons.  They are very helpful.