Waiting for the petition to serve. What should I expect now and later?

[ANewHorizon]

Hi,

I just joined and I am a mess of emotions.  I found this board from a suggestion in my introduction.  I won't divulge the full story but summarize with undiagnozed BPD.  Nothing particular triggered me filing except I woke up out of the "FOG" and said enough is enough.

So here is the new chapter.  L is finalizing the petition.  Wife won't accept it and says its me walking away.  L thinks I have a good position despite d being so young and me being petitioner.  Basis for this is documented reports both personal and public.  Sorry if I am being to vague but still learning all the acronyms in everyone's post.

She is saying she will get full custody.  I don't think any child should not have time with either parent.  However, I am concerned about emotional outbursts similar to documented reports causing emotional damage rather than physical damage.  I know I have to be strong and steady which i plan to be.  Helping myself through counseling over the last years and still current today has been an unmeasurable tool.

So here are the questions:

1)  if I stay strong does the BPD typically go off the deep end if the court sees what I have seen?

2)  I know I have an uphill battle with d being 1 year but what should I expect from CE?

3) Are fathers basically screwed no matter what happens?

4) Are there tools or suggestions for showing strength and resolve to CE to make the best case?

       *I am assuming high conflict divorce takes easy 1 year to resolve and often times longer?

4)  How much from everyone's experience is the BPD successful in the smear campaign should it come up?

5)  I am not living at the house and she is with d.  I have compromised with picking her up every other day for 4 hours as wife will blame for not putting d's needs first with breastfeeding and physically harming the kid.  I am limiting the engagement situations but worried the courts/CE will see me as not caring.  Am I screwing myself by not being more involved even though all it is doing is causing more high conflict situations in front of d?


I am sure there are more questions just a concerned parent for d's best interests now and going forward.  I can accept me and know it wont be easy but the situation with d is keeping me up all night with fears, concerns and guilt.

Thanks for all the support and finally relieved to find a new family and support system! 

[ForeverDad]

She is saying she will get full custody... .That is her entitlement speaking.  Unless you are shown to be a real risk to cause child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment, then you will have regular time with your child. Not saying it will be equitable, too many courts default fathers to alternate weekends and a visit or two in between, but surely court will order far more than she thinks.

Side point, many fathers are timid in court, probably because so many assume mothers should get custody and majority time by default.  If she can unreasonably demand control, there's nothing wrong with you responding that due to her controlling and inability to willingly share then you should be the one in charge of parenting.  That's what my Custody Evaluator wrote, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is tried and fails, then Father should have custody."  It really, really pays off to have an unbiased, experienced and perceptive custody evaluator.

You need to ask that you get overnights and alternate weekends.  That is both important and reasonable.  Yes, she probably will object strenuously but you need to establish your desire and need to parent meaningfully.  (Don't try to explain or reason with her, she's not listening and is likely to turn it into an argument and conflict trying to make you look like an ogre, let the court see her obstruction of your reasonable requests to be an involved parent.)  Breastfeeding or other excuses are just that, excuses.  If D is with you for an extended time then mother can express her milk and send it with your child during the exchanges.  Millions of mothers, both ones who work and ones who have to share their child with the father, express their milk as appropriate.  If millions can, so can she.

What is to prevent you from picking up your daughter and saying she'll be with you over the weekend?    If she calls the police on you, what will they do, possibly a safety check on the child and then tell her to resolve the parenting schedule in court?  (That's pretty much what happened to me, until a case is filed and a hearing done in family court, we both had "equal but unspecified rights".  My ex totally blocked my father-child contact, she kept total possession 100% of the time, my police basically told me they wouldn't intervene - unless ex called 911 on me and tried to get me arrested - and told me to come back when I had a court order in hand.  That took nearly 3 months to get an attorney, file and wait for a hearing.  Of course your area might do things differently.)  What does your lawyer advise?  Even if he doesn't want you to rock the boat, you need to get, or at least seek, more than brief visits.

However, if she makes serious allegations to start, the court might force you to be supervised until they can get the agencies to assess or evaluate you and report to the court whether they have "concerns" or "no concerns" about you.

Expect her to make numerous "unsubstantiated" allegations.  (Children's agencies and courts are reluctant to call someone a liar on the record.  It took me over four years in and out of court before one magistrate called my ex "not credible" - courtspeak for liar - in one piece of testimony.)  If she doesn't, great.  But if she does, then at least you'll be prepared.  In my case, I used recordings as my 'insurance' against her attempts to make me look worse than her, seldom needed but it helped me sleep a little better at night.

[catnap]

Since she is already claiming she will get full custody, start protecting yourself.  Secretly record every exchange.  The laws for one-party recording vary from state to state, but the recording is mostly to keep her from making false allegations of your actions when picking up or returning your daughter.  For instance, if she brings up d will be missing her breastfeeding, you can calmly ask her to express milk for the next visit for you to take with you.  When returning your d be sure and give a quick update on food intake, nap, playtime, and diaper situation, etc.

Recently had to call the cops for my safety with verbal threats and honestly scared for the child's well being.

Next night I had enough but somehow became engaged AGAIN. Long story short cops called and kid stays with me. 

You do need to follow your L's advice and go cutthroat on getting as much custody of your d as possible. 

However, I am concerned about emotional outbursts similar to documented reports causing emotional damage rather than physical damage.

Yes, the personality disordered mother can do a great deal of psychological damage to their child.  You need to protect your daughter as much as you can.   Your stbx (soon to be ex) will do her best to alienate her against you as time goes on. 

Have Your Parents Put You at Risk for Psychopathology https://bpdfamily.com/content/have-your-parents-put-you-risk-psychopathology

If you can demonstrate through your stbx's behavior that you are the best parent for your daughter, her age will not matter.  My son got sole custody of his 7 month old daughter due to her mother's bad behaviors. 

[ANewHorizon]

Wow.  Thanks so much guys.  Things flipped last night and uBPDw is now realizing I am not going back.  I took the dog, had him before marriage with papers, because uBPDw said she couldn't take care of him due to size.

Also, luckily I am a 1-party state for recording and have about 4 hours worth with serious allegations and validation of everything that happened in the past.  Hoping it helps if needed in CE as uBPDw admitted to all situations that are proposed in petition showing extreme mood swings, B&W thought process and anger.  Even false accusations against me were supported that uBPDw never felt threatened and I am great H & F.

L says keep the peace and limit engagements which I am.  This is supported by T helping me stay away from the FOG but still advises to try and mediate as things progress with L and hearing.

Just concerned as it appears we all are in these situations.  Just ordered the book "Splitting" by Bill Eddy to help better understand what to expect.

Thanks again for all your help and so happy to find this new family!

[KateCat]

 

Are you sure you're only 31 years old? 

What a lot of maturity and wisdom you have been demonstrating. This will be such an asset to your daughter, all throughout her life.

[ForeverDad]

However, I am concerned about emotional outbursts similar to documented reports causing emotional damage rather than physical damage.

Yes, the personality disordered mother can do a great deal of psychological damage to their child.  You need to protect your daughter as much as you can.   Your stbx (soon to be ex) will do her best to alienate her against you as time goes on.

What will have the best impact and influence on your child's life is your example as an involved, capable and balanced parent.

For example, many if not most of us, myself included, stayed in the relationship longer than we should have because we thought "Staying" under any circumstances was the best example.  It isn't, not if Staying meant being appeasing or a muddy doormat, having weak boundaries, allowing invalidating behaviors, etc.  Rather, we need to accept we can't force the other person to change, all we can change is our own behaviors, boundaries and actions.  That covers many aspects.

• We need to be proactive rather than reactive.  Otherwise we'll always be one step behind.



• We need to be problem-solving and assertive in court, don't be accepting of the stereotypes of past decades.  Let the court know you have some solutions to the conflict and obstructions attempted by the ex.  Silence and passivity are not for us.  If we don't ask, then likely we won't get it.



• We need firm boundaries.  Since we can't influence the other parent by very much, this applies mostly to us, what we will accept and what we will do if something is unacceptable.



• We need to keep the children out of the middle and from making them choose one parent over the other.  Or at least to the extent it is within our power, the ex won't listen to us and will largely do as he/she pleases, though the court may set some limits.



• Look for opportunities to encourage and validate the children's observations and conclusions.  One way the aggressive parent harms children is to do things that make the children doubt themselves, doubt their observations and doubt their conclusions.  There will be times when they'll think one way with you and totally differently when under the ex's influence.  You want to foster the qualities that will enable them to observe, make their own conclusions and in time have the fortitude to stand by them.  The ruled-by-moods-and-emotions ex won't be able to convince them forever that one minute 2+2=4 and the next minute 2+2=5.



• As counter-intuitive as it may seem, a separate home allows you to set a good example and have a safe and stable home for the children for whatever times you are parenting.



• Try your reasonable best and the children won't be disappointed in you.  They don't expect you to be Superman or Superwoman.



• Have the patience and resolute steadfastness of Job.  Even if your children don't appreciate all you've done for them while they were young, likely later, perhaps many years later, they'll come to you and remark that you standing up and stepping forward as their parent is now appreciated, though maybe in hindsight.