Advice on how to deliver divorce news

[GroundChuck]

I went to my uBPDw about 5 months ago and told her I wanted a divorce. At the time I was in a semi-state of denial re: her BPD. It went horrible. She started crying and begging. I have never seen anything like it and of course I stayed. Things were okay for a while and then they just got worse, considerably worse.

I have made the decision to leave and it is for good. I have three children from a previous marriage and I need to protect them. We have no children together.

What is the best way to inform her of the divorce. I was thinking of leaving while she is gone and leaving her a lengthy letter explaining that I have left, have filed for divorce and want no contact. She can contact my attorney. Am i being weak and/or lame for considering this approach especially considering I am reassuring her constantly that things are okay? I am doing this to keep the peace for my kids. If I do inform her in person there will be one of two reactions: 1) Same emotional reaction as above or 2) RAGE.

[catnap]

My suggestion is to do it in the safest way possible for you and the children.  It is not lame to inform her at arm's length, but self preservation. 

My suggestion would be to serve her divorce papers and the letter at the same time by private process server.  Top reason is that it is not unheard of that she could hurt herself, then call the police and claim you assaulted her and left.  By using a private process server, they can serve at your designated place and time. 

If I may suggest that the letter be short, need to know information, and civil. 

Do you own the marital home?

[GroundChuck]

Do you own the marital home?

Thank you for the response.

Yes, we do own the home and it was purchased during our marriage. We are both on the deed but only I am on the mortgage. We don't have enough equity in the home to sell it. I plan on keeping the home for myself and my kids. She will be unable to afford it.

[livednlearned]

catnap's advice is really good, GroundChuck.

Protect your kids and yourself -- even people who are low-conflict can feel very emotionally distraught during a divorce. BPD sufferers don't tend to handle abandonment feelings very well, and there is too much risk that she'll do something desperate, with long-term consequences for you.

It's a good idea to have a therapist on stand-by when you do this, to help you stay your course. She is a grown woman, and as traumatized as she may feel, she can reach out for help from a trained professional like any other grown up.

And like catnip said, make sure your note to her does not overly indulge. Anything you write is likely to find its way into the hands of a lawyer, so don't browbeat yourself or take responsibility for all the failures or any of the other things people who get involved with BPD sufferers tend to do.

You may even want an attorney to look over the letter first, just to be safe.

I would also recommend getting your video camera and recording everything in the house, what it looks like, etc. In the event she destroys anything, you want a record of what the place looked like. Also, try to get all of the legal and financial documents and put them somewhere safe. Or at least copies.

Think carefully about how you will have her removed from the house -- talk this through with an attorney. One of the important things about divesting yourself from a high-conflict marriage is to be a couple of steps ahead so that you have as much leverage as possible during the protracted legal battle.

And the day you serve her divorce papers, have a plan to protect yourself and the kids. Change the locks or remove half of any savings you have to a separate account. If you can, try to arrange so that she only has credit cards in her name. Where I live, any charges I made after date of separation were mine to cover.

Forth what it's worth -- I planned to leave my n/BPDx while he was out of town at a conference, and spent months writing a letter with my T. My first drafts were very self defeating, so I had to work with her to write something that expressed how I truly felt, instead of the hand-wringing I did in the letter. I think these marriages can be so fraught and destructive that normal rules don't apply.

I admire you for putting your kids' safety first. They should come first, and it will mean a lot to them that you took steps to protect them.

What ages are they? Are they doing ok?