Does it matter to them how long you were in their life?

[merlin4926]

I suspect the answer to this is no.  I was keeping myself busy sorting through stuff and unfortunately came across some letters from years ago.  just hit me again how long he has been in my life - 8 years as friends last 2 in a relationship til he dumped me for someone else.  After all this time will he really just forget about me and not remember our times together?

I am really struggling today don't want to go backwards but feel as bad as I did when he first dumped me

[Blimblam]

In my experience they are very sentimental unless you have made them confront themself.

[Infared]

I lived with my pwBPD for 5 years... .was cheated-on and abruptly discarded for new supply and totally painted black in an instant.  Her actions show me that I mean absolutely nothing to her. Unless I actually, literally cross her path, she does not think of me at all as far as I would know. I have to remember that she suffers from mental illness on a good day that will at least take the edge off of my disappointment with her.

[mywifecrazy]

In my experience the answer is no. I was with my uBPDxw for 20 yrs. She has painted me black and it's like she turned off a switch. Left without taking any pictures, not even any of her kids. It's all about her new supply (r/s) now.

She has even painted her Mom, Brother and Sister black and has abandoned them too.

It was very hurtful (still is at times) but like infared mentioned above, it is easier to deal with when I can depersonalize her actions and realize that she is just a very sick person... .EASIER SAID THAN DONE SOMETIMES!

MWC... .

[Take2]

In my experience they are very sentimental unless you have made them confront themself.

Why is this?  I guess they need to hold tight to their beliefs that those who painted them black must truly be the bad ones so that they don't have to admit their own faults?  

I was friends with my ex for a year, became my best friend, then we were involved for 4 years.  There are many on here like Mywifecrazy who had 20 or 30 year marriages that seem to have ended just like ours... . The switch got turned off and away they went.  I will say though that I can't grasp anyone who can leave and take no pictures of the children?   I can't get my head around that no matter what.  My ex and his parents split black and abandoned family members.  Both sets of grandparents were split black and never spoken to again.  Only one is now left alive.  I can't get my head around that either.  

And yep, I confronted mine with his own actions.  Only as I fail to properly communicate with him and defend myself against his constant barrage of attacks on me at work.  I do think I am the longest r/s he ever had though.  He has zero contact with his ex girlfriends.  No shock there.  He did until well you know, I'm just assuming he has zero contact.  As I type it all out, I realize the absurdity because he's lied so much I really have no idea... .   

[RisingSun]

Sadly they seem to be able to push you to the back of their mind. When you do come up to the surface, you're usually painted black, that is unless they feel a need for you. If they have a transient need they feel you can assuage, you may be painted white for a limited time. Remember, they don't have a grounded sense of self which anchors them to any consistent feelings or solid sense of reality. Their emotions are like a boat lost at sea, subject to the ever changing weather and tides. Don't expect any consistency of how they view you now or over the course of the time you spent together.

When my stbxw left, she didn't look back on our time together with any sentimentality. When she did look back, I was portrayed as the reason for her unhappiness through all 11 years we spent together. She will remember the times we spent together, but I don't play the role I'd like to play in her memories. To her I'm the one who was controlling, abusive, unfair, crazy, etc. They will paint a past that suits their need to remain unaccountable for their actions. So your past together will remain a fabricated, skewed story.

Think back to how they projected their issues onto you in the relationship. It won't be any different now that they're out of their life. It will only be worse because you're not there to challenge their obscured perspective of reality. They can run wild with projection and come up with a story that fits perfectly into their deranged illusion of the past. Her memories of your time together, whether for 1 year or 20 years, will always follow their need to find security in their false self.   

[imstronghere2]

In my experience the answer is no. I was with my uBPDxw for 20 yrs. She has painted me black and it's like she turned off a switch. Left without taking any pictures, not even any of her kids. It's all about her new supply (r/s) now.

The only difference between your experience and mine was that I was with my exwBPD for 22 years.  I was reeling in pain not only for myself, but for my kids.  Their own mother abandoned them and that will last the rest of their lifetime.  I have no forgiveness in my heart for that, nor will I ever.  

"It was very hurtful (still is at times) but like infared mentioned above, it is easier to deal with when I can depersonalize her actions and realize that she is just a very sick person... .EASIER SAID THAN DONE SOMETIMES!"

Absolutely easier said than done.  I expect that will be a work in progress for me for the rest of my life.

So, back to the OP's question.  I don't think it matters in the slightest.  The ONLY thing that matters to them is... . them.

[mywifecrazy]

There are many on here like Mywifecrazy who had 20 or 30 year marriages that seem to have ended just like ours... . The switch got turned off and away they went.  I will say though that I can't grasp anyone who can leave and take no pictures of the children?   I can't get my head around that no matter what.

I don't get it either T2... .The only thing I can think of is the shame she must feel inside for what she's done. Maybe the pictures just serve as a constant reminder. She must have shame for not being a good mother... .Heck I'm just rambling I don't understand any of this BPD Bull$hit!

MWC... .

[Take2]

When I was around 20 years old, my mom, who I suspect was BPD, once refused to listen to whatever my issue was at the time that I was trying to talk to her about.  She said to me "I've worried about other peoples problems for the last 20 years, I'm not going to do that anymore.  I'm going to worry about me now."

Uh... .  my sister and I were 20 and 22 at the time.  My mom didn't physically leave but I gotta tell you, that one comment from her was pretty abandoning to me... .  not to mention her complete slide into crazyland thereafter... .   but I truly feel for those of you with children, whether young or adult, whose mothers left them for real... .  again, it's something I simply can't wrap my head around.  I couldn't before having a child, but with my own 6 year old now... .  cannot grasp that in any way shape or form... .   so sad. 

[hergestridge]

This was a problem in our relationship even before my wife left me. My wife showed no respect, interest or seemed not to value the 20 years we had spent together. Just total disregard. When I brought something up from our past (as a positive memory), she had no recollection or seemed just plain annoyed.

As someone said in another thread - it was all future based. And of course it started to ring hollow in the end - "Things will be different tomorrow!".

It started to dawn on me that we were not in fact building anything at all in our relationship. The relationship was linear. It started, continued uninterrupted for an unspecified length of time and could probably end at any time without a warning.

A couple of years ago, when our relationship took a turn for the worse, I talked to few people about this - both friends and professionals. About the fact that my wife didn't remember anything about the years we spent together and that she was angry when it was brought up. Sadly, the response I got was that she must have had been through such horrible times that she can't even bare to talk about it. This was pretty much what my wife said too (plus she said I was being overly sentimental).

This of course left me with double guilt because I felt that she had had this horrible life, living in isolation with me, that she couldn't even bare to talk about. And now her comes egoistical me and wanting to bring up (nice) stuff from our past. Why don't I go see a shrink instead?

I became the one with the problem!

It's now that I know more about BPD (and when my wife has had a formal diagnosis) that I understand why she doesn't re-visit the past. That's just not how she works. She does not evaluate, re-think and re-live. She moves on. The only thing she clings on to from the past is disjointed fragments of hurt. Those she never let go of.

[Infared]

Sadly they seem to be able to push you to the back of their mind. When you do come up to the surface, you're usually painted black, that is unless they feel a need for you. If they have a transient need they feel you can assuage, you may be painted white for a limited time. Remember, they don't have a grounded sense of self which anchors them to any consistent feelings or solid sense of reality. Their emotions are like a boat lost at sea, subject to the ever changing weather and tides. Don't expect any consistency of how they view you now or over the course of the time you spent together.

When my stbxw left, she didn't look back on our time together with any sentimentality. When she did look back, I was portrayed as the reason for her unhappiness through all 11 years we spent together. She will remember the times we spent together, but I don't play the role I'd like to play in her memories. To her I'm the one who was controlling, abusive, unfair, crazy, etc. They will paint a past that suits their need to remain unaccountable for their actions. So your past together will remain a fabricated, skewed story.

Think back to how they projected their issues onto you in the relationship. It won't be any different now that they're out of their life. It will only be worse because you're not there to challenge their obscured perspective of reality. They can run wild with projection and come up with a story that fits perfectly into their deranged illusion of the past. Her memories of your time together, whether for 1 year or 20 years, will always follow their need to find security in their false self.   

++++1000!

[fred6]

I lived with my pwBPD for 5 years... .was cheated-on and abruptly discarded for new supply and totally painted black in an instant.  Her actions show me that I mean absolutely nothing to her. Unless I actually, literally cross her path, she does not think of me at all as far as I would know. I have to remember that she suffers from mental illness on a good day that will at least take the edge off of my disappointment with her.

Like you Infared, I've been with mine 3 years... .was cheated-on and abruptly discarded for replacement and painted black. Actually, exBPD just walked in the door from spending the night with my replacement(I'm assuming). It still hurts having to watch, but it is nothing like a couple weeks ago.

I guess that I've come to somewhat accept that her behavior is all about her, she seems that she could care less about the pain and emotional damage that she is causing to me. However, I don't think that's entirely true. Yesterday I kissed her on the back of the head and said "that's why I love you" when leaving a restaurant. She told me to stop giving her affection and I told her that "I would stop giving her affection, but why". She really couldn't give an answer until I calmly and repeatedly pressed her for an answer. I saw her rage building, and her final answer was that, "It's not normal for people to show feelings when they aren't together". I then told her calmly and quietly that I would always love her, I would never abandon her and be there for her if she ever needed to talk or just someone to listen. Basically, regardless of what you do to me, you can always count on me. That made her feel bad, and it sent her into her mid level rage, and she actually looked like she wanted to cry. But she held it back like a pro. I told her that everything was going to be ok and to calm down. And she said that, "I'll calm down when I get away from you".

So Infared, what all of this tells me. I do think that they care somewhere deep down. In my situation, I am her trigger to all of the horrible and bad things that she's done in the past 2 months or longer. Everything is fine if we just act like acquaintances. But when I tell her things like, "I love you", "I forgive you", or give her a hug or a kiss. It brings to the surface all of the things that she's done and makes her feel bad. That's why I think they push and split so drastically and act so detached from us. They want us to be gone, it's their own "special" way of coping with the emotions that they can't process. Out of sight, out of mind. When we are out of their lives, they probably don't care or think about us due to the pain and abandonment issues.

I think a secondary reason for the permanent split. Many BPD's do not recycle. My Ex never talks to or has contact with her ex bf's, only the two abusive ones. And I know that when I finally leave that I'll probably never see or talk to her again. I tend to think that is because they can't let us have any chance of contact with their new supply. If we as non's were to have a conversation with our replacement. There is a chance that replacement would find out that they are "targets" for the pwBPD, and will wind up in our position down the road. Basically, they don't want the new supply to find out that they are crazy. You have to remember that codependent non's are lined up and waiting to jump in and take our spot as the "white knight" or "protector". If they knew what we know, they might bail on the BPD. These people know what they are doing to keep a new supply.

[Caredverymuch]

This was a problem in our relationship even before my wife left me. My wife showed no respect, interest or seemed not to value the 20 years we had spent together. Just total disregard. When I brought something up from our past (as a positive memory), she had no recollection or seemed just plain annoyed.

As someone said in another thread - it was all future based. And of course it started to ring hollow in the end - "Things will be different tomorrow!".

It started to dawn on me that we were not in fact building anything at all in our relationship. The relationship was linear. It started, continued uninterrupted for an unspecified length of time and could probably end at any time without a warning.

A couple of years ago, when our relationship took a turn for the worse, I talked to few people about this - both friends and professionals. About the fact that my wife didn't remember anything about the years we spent together and that she was angry when it was brought up. Sadly, the response I got was that she must have had been through such horrible times that she can't even bare to talk about it. This was pretty much what my wife said too (plus she said I was being overly sentimental).

This of course left me with double guilt because I felt that she had had this horrible life, living in isolation with me, that she couldn't even bare to talk about. And now her comes egoistical me and wanting to bring up (nice) stuff from our past. Why don't I go see a shrink instead?

I became the one with the problem!

It's now that I know more about BPD (and when my wife has had a formal diagnosis) that I understand why she doesn't re-visit the past. That's just not how she works. She does not evaluate, re-think and re-live. She moves on. The only thing she clings on to from the past is disjointed fragments of hurt. Those she never let go of.

Hi hedge and all others.  This is a really difficult aspect of the disorder.  For me, it is the most difficult to really understand.  To erase. To dissociate to that degree in self protection of such shame and pain. Being erased is a very difficult feeling for me.  After sharing so very much.  More than truly anyone else in my being.  I cannot imagine how it must feel for those of you with long marriages and children.  You are all an inspiration to us.  

[myself]

It's not time as much as depth? I think the closer/better you were with them, the farther they feel to push you away. To scapegoat. In many cases, it becomes permanent, so the pwBPD can keep their false images of themselves as intact as possible. My ex frequently spoke about her ex's, more times than not still seeing them as bad. In her most private moments, she might still see me as someone who was loving in her life, but overall I'll be demonized so she can run away and not be accountable for how she tore our r/s to shreds.

[merlin4926]

It's just so hurtful that I'm going through all this pain and he's ok and has just moved on without second thought for me

[blissful_camper]

In my experience, no.   We had a history together, sharing a nice friendship prior to becoming a couple. 

He seemed to have no positive memories about his former partners.  Or if he did, he didn't vocalize those memories.   He discussed the negative.   When faced with suggestions such as "your first wife must have some redeemable qualities," he replied that she didn't.  When offered one, he reluctantly accepted it.  He was unable (or refused) to think positively about the persons he had painted black.  He clung to negative thinking, and anger. 

[Take2]

It's just so hurtful that I'm going through all this pain and he's ok and has just moved on without second thought for me

It is so unfair. ... . it's truly so difficult. .  

[RisingSun]

It's just so hurtful that I'm going through all this pain and he's ok and has just moved on without second thought for me

I know the pain you're feeling all too well. I was with my stbxw for 11 years. It sucks we can't have any contact nor proper closure. I'm afraid my stbxw is way too dangerous to have any contact with. She'll tear me apart if I tried to connect with her.

Even in our relationship she would frequently negate the good times we had together. She would say things like "we were never a good match" or "I feel like I wasted some of my best years on you". When the divorce was underway she took off her rings in front of me as she said "god, this is such a relief to be finally finished with this marriage".

This was a clue that she wouldn't be looking back regardless of the years we spent together.

These people will leave you with all their baggage and not bat an eye. They'll even deny they had any carry on luggage. They don't want to face the damage they've done to you. Their life is already painful enough. They know nothing else other than to run, project, deny and avoid. All the issues in the relationship are yours in their eyes. When I asked my stbxw what she thought her mistakes were in the relationship, after she pressed me to fess up to my mistakes, her response was, " I should have gotten out sooner". That just about sums her up. Deny and avoid, at any cost. 

It's crazy! we have a hard time looking back because it's so painful to realize you loved someone who was an illusion. And, they won't look back because it's hurts them to see what the core reality of their being has done to someone who truly loved them.

[mywifecrazy]

I think a secondary reason for the permanent split. Many BPD's do not recycle. My Ex never talks to or has contact with her ex bf's, only the two abusive ones. And I know that when I finally leave that I'll probably never see or talk to her again. I tend to think that is because they can't let us have any chance of contact with their new supply. If we as non's were to have a conversation with our replacement. There is a chance that replacement would find out that they are "targets" for the pwBPD, and will wind up in our position down the road.

I believe this to be the case with my uBPDxw without a doubt. As a matter of fact I actually had a chance to talk to my replacement as he is an X friend and neighbor. I warned him of her BPD ways and told him to think long and hard about all the lies she told him about me. I told him to think LOGICALLY as he knew me and knew that her lies don't add up... .IT FELL ON DEAF EARS. I could tell that he's brain washed just by the disdain he showed towards me. It's sad because what I saw in him was how totally screwed up and brainwashed she has him. Part of me feels sorry for him... .part of me doesn't. He deserves what he gets as he was very close to me. He chose to believe her lies and without a doubt seduction without consulting me. She's HIS problem now!

She doesn't even communicate with her own family (Mom, sister, brother) because she has also painted them black and has told her new r/s lies about them. Now she has isolated herself from everyone she knew because she can't let her old world come in contact with her new r/s because it would risk her being exposed... .It is crazy!

[enlighten me]

My exgf spoke about her exs all the time. To the point I was sick of it. They do remember the problem is that those memories can be painful. They understand the hurt that they cause and the guilt/ shame isn't something they want to be reminded of.

Its not a case of you are forgotten and they don't contact you because they don't remember you. If that was the case then why do so many recycle. Think what you like about you ex's but the truth is that they know what they have done but are too ashamed because they couldn't control it so ended up hurting you. They aren't sociopaths who have no feelings. They have too many feelings and cant control them. Ive recently been on reddit and theres a BPD section. If you want insight into how a BPD thinks go there and read some of the conversations. I found it very sad reading and contradictory to what some people think on here.

[Dutched]

Experienced the same.

No, 30+ yrs. didn’t matter at all to her. I was immediately painted black (and still it seems) and left within a few weeks with some necessities. No empathy at all towards kids (teenagers)! 

As after previous outbursts, I tried and tried to get her back on baseline. Addressing her emotional side, all these years, the kids, her position afterwards, the therapy she refused a few yrs. Before, etc. All was discarded this time. It was “well, actually we never had something together”…    30+ yrs. never had something together? Than even the strongest soul is crushed beyond belief!   

Profound maybe, she still wears the earrings I once gave her. As victory? As symbol for her crosses? Or as she is not fully emotionally detached?  Whatever. 

And again NO, not even her parents mattered once to her when she left in a same outburst and left with 5 boxes painting them black for a 10 yrs.

Classical I love you – I hate you in the same moment?

[christoff522]

I suspect the answer to this is no.  I was keeping myself busy sorting through stuff and unfortunately came across some letters from years ago.  just hit me again how long he has been in my life - 8 years as friends last 2 in a relationship til he dumped me for someone else.  After all this time will he really just forget about me and not remember our times together?

I am really struggling today don't want to go backwards but feel as bad as I did when he first dumped me

I have been told that they do miss you, often they simple stay away because of shame.

[PhoenixBlack]

It's just so hurtful that I'm going through all this pain and he's ok and has just moved on without second thought for me

Merlin, I assure you he's not ok. He's very sick and may likely never recover unless he seeks help. Whereas you will get better, I promise you. Day by day.

He hasn't moved on in the way that you or I will move on. We move on by processing, feeling and healing. pwBPD don't seem to go through this in the same way that we do. They flip a mental switch and the thing that causes them pain and shame is buried deep so that it can't hurt any more. They've leaned to do this from an early age and it's for coping and dealing with their chaotic lives. It may appear that he's fine and getting on with his life but he's not really. It's tragically sad and I wouldn't want to live with the pain pwBPD with every single day. Someone once said to me that nature is often kind, even when it appears to be cruel. In the case of people with this condition - it's true, they've had something awful happen that made them this way and therein lies the cruelty. The kindness (for them) is that nature has given them a limited way to cope with the trauma. I'm pretty sure that this is not how they or anyone would choose to live their lives. It's not a conscious choice. Always looking for happiness but never being able to embrace it even when it finds them.

Hang in there. Look after yourself.

[merlin4926]

Thank you phoenixblack that makes a lot of sense and I wouldn't want to swop places with him x

[Infared]

Fred6. I agree with all of this statement:

"I think a secondary reason for the permanent split. Many BPD's do not recycle. My Ex never talks to or has contact with her ex bf's, only the two abusive ones. And I know that when I finally leave that I'll probably never see or talk to her again. I tend to think that is because they can't let us have any chance of contact with their new supply. If we as non's were to have a conversation with our replacement. There is a chance that replacement would find out that they are "targets" for the pwBPD, and will wind up in our position down the road. Basically, they don't want the new supply to find out that they are crazy. You have to remember that codependent non's are lined up and waiting to jump in and take our spot as the "white knight" or "protector". If they knew what we know, they might bail on the BPD. These people know what they are doing to keep a new supply. "

In my last statement to my ex, left by me as a message on her phone:

"Perhaps some day Gary (the guy that I replaced), and Craig (the guy who replaced me), and I can all sit down together and have a discussion about your character, or lack there of... .I think that would be an eye-opener for all three of us. Don't you?"

It was the last communication that I had with her and you can bet the mere suggestion of a meeting of the three men that she duped would be something too horrific for her to even contemplate.

After healing, I am quite content with the fact that those we my last words to her... .and at the time... I did not even know that she was BPD.

[AwakenedOne]

"I don't think it matters in the slightest.  The ONLY thing that matters to them is... . them."



That statement sums it all up quite well.

Four WASTED years with my "wife".

[Hopeless777]

"I don't think it matters in the slightest.  The ONLY thing that matters to them is... . them."



That statement sums it all up quite well.

Four WASTED years with my "wife".

Don't feel too bad. I wasted 28. After the last recycle it has been stone cold silence. Of course she talks to everyone of her friends and children about how terrible I am. Talk to me? No way... .see her attorney! How the heck does life get this way? My fault I guess. The adoration phase at 29 was just too much and I knew so little about life and relationships.