Can they ever be alone?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Before we got together and were just 'friends' my ex used to say he would never have a relationship and was better off on his own. At the time he did live on his own and did seem to do quite well.

His brother moved in with him for a while and he used to complain about him constantly but never ask him to leave. I started staying over most nights then he would say he needed to be alone there would be a big row then the next day I would end up back there.

I was thinking if they can't handle any interpersonal relationships can they be on their own?

[merlin4926]

Before we got together and were just 'friends' my ex used to say he would never have a relationship and was better off on his own. At the time he did live on his own and did seem to do quite well.

His brother moved in with him for a while and he used to complain about him constantly but never ask him to leave. I started staying over most nights then he would say he needed to be alone there would be a big row then the next day I would end up back there.

I was thinking if they can't handle any interpersonal relationships can they be on their own?

[Bak86]

My ex was very much on her own. She disliked social settings with too many people, it drained her energy. Typical hermit behavior. So yes it's possible.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi merlin4926

My ex used to say he was always alone, and just wanted a 'friend and some company'.

I offered him company, and introduced him to my friends, but they/it weren't good enough.

Then he would talk about all the people/friends he talked to, (usually when he was telling me their opinions on mine and my families lives), I would challenge him, and state that since he always said he was alone, I was confused.

Does he have company and friends, or is he always alone, which one is it?

He would usually fly into a rage again.

Beats me.

I never knew which one he was, the lonely guy sitting in his car, 'starving and homeless with no friends or company' or the socially gregarious beachcomber, laid back and chatting all day when not with me.

I doubt he knows which one he is either.

Roller

[enlighten me]

My exgf is doing well on her own with just the kids ( or so she says).

I was reading about pwBPDs perspectives and one thing that struck a chord was that they want to be in relationships but find that their expectations for their partner are impossibly high so they always end up devaluing them. I suppose by staying single or by not having formal relationships they can avoid devaluing the person.

Heres the article I read.

https://halfofasoul.wordpress.com/tag/expectations/

[Pets]

I'm not sure.  I can only say from my experience with my exbf that whilst he struggled with social settings & close friendships (he would not be proactive in seeking those out or nurturing them, preferred just to spend time with me or his kids), he also longed to not feel alone.  

He ended our relationship, yet he said that made him feel empty and a chronic sadness.  Figure that one out? Whilst he was on his own for a while after, I think it's the sense of emptiness and sometimes boredom that ultimately drove him to replace me after 4 or so months.  And that's even though he said he was clearly not ready for a relationship and was going to seek help in therapy.  I wish he had.

I think they may need to be on their own, with support from family & friends, if possible, while they try and address their own pain with professional help, they would do better with that in terms of helping themselves and moving forward.  But from the posts that I have been reading on this site, it seems that very few, if any, manage to resist the pull towards finding someone to fill the emptiness and soothe the pain for a while.

When I feel sad, really miss and long for my exbf, because of my own pain, I try to remind myself of how much stronger and more intense pwBPD must feel that longing and need all the time.  It helps me to have more empathy and compassion for him.  I can see it would take so much courage and strength to choose not to follow that yearning, but to face your own demons instead.  My prayer for him is that one day he can, even if I'll never get to see it.

[Pets]

Thanks enlightenme for the link; that's an interesting article 

[enlighten me]

Hi Pets

I found it interesting too and puts a different slant on the way we interpret their behaviour.

[Rifka]

My exgf is doing well on her own with just the kids ( or so she says).

I was reading about pwBPDs perspectives and one thing that struck a chord was that they want to be in relationships but find that their expectations for their partner are impossibly high so they always end up devaluing them. I suppose by staying single or by not having formal relationships they can avoid devaluing the person.

Heres the article I read.

https://halfofasoul.wordpress.com/tag/expectations/

Wow! Enlighten me! That is such a great article. May I share it on my thread? It is so deep and I think so helpful for nons to read!

Rifka

[Infern0]

Mine couldn't be alone at all.

She was a waif so don't know if that makes a difference but she hated being alone and if her flatmates are out of town she has to have someone stay over because she gets scared.

[Mr Hollande]

Regardless of what they're doing and who they're with, aren't they the loneliest people in the world already?

[bunnysc]

''Waifs'' possibly the most dangerous crazy ones oh god! THEY are never alone ALWAYS have a plan to go somewhere or be with friends,dates etc... (Even in a relationship) Having a ''Waif'' BPD GF is out of this world, they are just like a Jellyfish, swimming and hitting you in the most silent and terrible way. She may be with you 5 days in a row being the most awesome girlfriend, but all of a sudden BAM, she has a plan which involves lying manipulating and being indifferent (I guess cheating on you talking ___ about you with others)

Next day she will get back to you as the ''lovely'' little carrying sweet girl, being sorry of what she did saying she will change ! You take her back... .WATCH OUT, being in this type of relationship will slowly kill you until she paints you black and moves on to the next victim.

And NO they can or will NEVER be alone, they are always looking for a plan, they will NEVER be at home in peace, always going out having a miserable, disgusting  ___ty life.

[enlighten me]

Wow! Enlighten me! That is such a great article. May I share it on my thread? It is so deep and I think so helpful for nons to read!

Rifka

Hi Rifka it was an article that I found so Im not sure of the rules for using it.

[Suspicious1]

My first brush with a pwBPD was just over ten years ago, with a guy who had made the conscious decision to stay single. He avoided relationships like the plague, and just wanted to have flings/ FWB arrangements with people. He said that was because his BPD made him a "nightmare" in relationships, and he said if he had a girlfriend he'd just push her away and test her and rage at her to see if she left him, which then she would and he'd be devestated.

I've been FB friends with him since and about seven years ago his "fling" of the time became accidentally pregnant and really wanted to keep the baby. He really didn't want to. All his posts were about how he couldn't cope with the responsibility or the prospect of a full time relationship with his child. I know he saw his child occasionally but the mum moved away to get more support from her family and he made monthly visits. From what I can tell those have stopped now. He just didn't want a relationship with anybody, it seemed.

He's still single now. I got the feeling his terror of abandonment was so extreme that he just avoided relationships totally because of it.