Understanding mirroring and projection on new supply.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

And today's country thang Facebook share:

"I seriously

just wanna cuddle

up and watch an

old Disney movie with

hot chocolate and

ignore life and

everything"

Really? On my last day before moving out. Who the hell is this person that I've lived with for the past 3 years? Looks like these posts are her self fulfilling prophecy. As it says, she did ignore our life together and everything. Also, looks like she's living in a Disney cartoon "The 7 future boyfriends". This is some of the silliest sh!t that I've ever seen.

Yea fred6 agreed. To me its a video game called "Tragic Hero". I imagine the white knight fighting through a dungeon with hoards of monsters trying to save the princess. Only to get to the boss room and find that the same princess that beckoned his call is in fact the final boss. Suddenly his armor turns black and he must defeat the very thing he was trying to save in the first place. If thats not tragedy then idk what is...  

[fred6]

I was chatting with an old high school friend on Facebook last night. I briefly explained what has transpired with me. Her exact words to me were, "she sounds like a sociopath, I'm glad that you're out of that relationship".

So in laymans terms, what exactly is the difference between a pwBPD and a sociopath?

[Mr Hollande]

I was chatting with an old high school friend on Facebook last night. I briefly explained what has transpired with me. Her exact words to me were, "she sounds like a sociopath, I'm glad that you're out of that relationship".

So in laymans terms, what exactly is the difference between a pwBPD and a sociopath?

Your friend very likely means psychopath. The two are often mistaken for the same thing but they aren't. Psychopathy is a disorder one is born with. Sociopathy is a learned psychopathic behaviour some individuals may adopt for survival. For example some criminals may have learned to be callous and violent in order to survive a tough childhood or growing up in a rough area. Had it not been for that they probably would have grown up to be perfectly well adjusted people. A psychopath will be a menace regardless of background. A very close relative to psychopathy is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which seems to be a common trait with BPD's as well. I'm quite sure my ex doesn't have the NPD streak in her but one of my best friends who suffered horribly in a 2 year r/s with a BPD said she also had NPD big time. While my ex showed remorse after most of her episodes his ex has an incredibly violent and sadistic personality and showed no remorse at all.

[fred6]

Today I was talking to my exBPD's future sister in law who she hates. She was telling me that before I came into the picture, that my exBPD's kids were always at her parents house and that she didn't know where exBPD was when she left her kids there. She told me that exBPD only started doing things with her kids when she started r/s with me. Wonder what that's all about? Kind of intresting. I find out new things everyday, .

[fred6]

Wow, she's starting to go ultra nutty with her mirroring her new supply with FB shares. I want to comment on them so badly. I would love to say, "Country girl? Since when did you become a country girl? That's too funny!" or "Just because you own a 4 wheeler that you rarely ride and drink Michelob ultra, doesn't make you a country girl, ".

Would that be considered breaking NC? Thinking long term, it might be good because I would probably be instantly de-friended and blocked. We can't have the replacement getting any clue that she ain't her self proclaimed "country girl", lmao... .

[goldylamont]

Wow, she's starting to go ultra nutty with her mirroring her new supply with FB shares. I want to comment on them so badly. I would love to say, "Country girl? Since when did you become a country girl? That's too funny!" or "Just because you own a 4 wheeler that you rarely ride and drink Michelob ultra, doesn't make you a country girl, ".

Would that be considered breaking NC? Thinking long term, it might be good because I would probably be instantly de-friended and blocked. We can't have the replacement getting any clue that she ain't her self proclaimed "country girl", lmao... .

noo! don't. resist the urge--this is what you *deserve* to be saying, no doubt. but ultimately all her posts are a trap. if you post this this is *exactly* what she wants you to do. honestly you will make her a happy little girl full of glee if she makes you fall into this trap--she wants attention. any kind of attention. negative attention is good attention (like negative publicity is good publicity... .). she would so love to see you post something like this, which would then push her even closer to the replacement as she could further lie and use you as the 'bad exbf' to trigger her new guy's protective white-night. and also make you out to look ignorant and childish.

i've been there, honestly. when my had a disastrous fallout with her roommate, then promptly thereafter moved in with then broke up with her boyfriend (from what i can tell a disastrous fallout as well)--she moved in almost next door to me and started parking in front of my house (where she lived a year before). i took photos and video and got her license plate number in the shot because i didn't know what to expect from her. it took everything in me to not put this stuff up on social media and say "LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CRAZY WOMAN!" it really did. but looking back i'm glad i didn't. even though i felt justified in doing so, it just would have linked me into her ishtstorm of garbage drama.

it's not fair that you have to be silent. it doesn't feel good and it's not fair at all. BUT--you have to think strategically about this and divert (not repress) your frustration right now. this will only make you look bad, and you are the good guy. don't post, you'll be glad you didn't months down the line

her r/s will incinerate on its own accord

[Mr Hollande]

her r/s will incinerate on its own accord

Very wise words for you there Fred. Make indifference your response. It's best for you in the long run plus it's the one that hurts her the most. Double whammy. Use it!

[fred6]

I probably wasn't going to post anything anyhow. But I thought these posts by her were to mirror and groom her new supply. If they are not directed at me, how can they be a trap for me or to get attention from me?

However, I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I was more thinking that it would make her look like the crazy opportunist that she's acting like all while poking fun at her behavior. I was figuring that the worst that would happen is that I would be unfriended and blocked, which wouldn't be too bad of a thing. I probably won't unfriend or block her. But I guess that I could make her do it to me since I won't do it to her.

Could I really look that bad by asking her something like, "I've known you 30 years, since when did you become a county girl"?

I will follow your advice though.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi fred,

  I hope things are well for you.  I was having a conversation earlier with a mutual friend about my exBPD and the theme was similiar to this thread.  The friend and I agreed we don't recognize the pwBPD anymore.  Interestingly enough this change in persona began a month before the pwBPD had a new source.  Both of us are worried about her safety as she has been erratic.  When the pwBPD told the mutual friend that she was "moving to Australia" she reminded her that she was planning a wedding. 

  By the time the pwBPD had a new source the friend told her not to talk to her until she found her head again.  The pwBPD has mirrored the new source, instantly picking up all his interests including some that she hated only weeks ago.  The sad part is she moved in after one date and is already friends with the sources mother.

Save their souls.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I would like to add that it takes all my will power to keep from calling out a litany of bull sht publically.

I have to remind myself:

The pwBPD is ill.

I should maintain honorable, mature behavior.

I will still be able to respect myself in the morning, no matter how good it would feel to unleash some truth on her it would be a futile act that I would likely regret.

The more I speak with rational people about the entire situation, the more I am reassured that the pwBPD is bat sht crazy and that I have behaved admirably.  The common response is, what the heck happened with you two, she is doing what?  what the heck what the heck what the heck.

LOL

[fred6]

Hi fred,

  I hope things are well for you.  I was having a conversation earlier with a mutual friend about my exBPD and the theme was similiar to this thread.  The friend and I agreed we don't recognize the pwBPD anymore.  Interestingly enough this change in persona began a month before the pwBPD had a new source.  Both of us are worried about her safety as she has been erratic.  When the pwBPD told the mutual friend that she was "moving to Australia" she reminded her that she was planning a wedding. 

  By the time the pwBPD had a new source the friend told her not to talk to her until she found her head again.  The pwBPD has mirrored the new source, instantly picking up all his interests including some that she hated only weeks ago.  The sad part is she moved in after one date and is already friends with the sources mother.

Save their souls.

Hey RS, how are ya bud? Yeah, I'm moved out and haven't seen or talked to her since Saturday afternoon. Just kind of loafing around the apartment and going to work. I did talk to 2 of her ex coworkers that she split black. They both informed me that they didn't do anything to her and that I've been her longest relationship(3 yrs)in 10 years or longer. They say she only had short term sexual type relationships that lasted anywhere from a one night stand to 4 months. I've been thinking to myself. Geez, how did I get so lucky? . I wonder why she kept me around and wasted 3 years of my life? It wasn't the sex, it was never that great. Maybe that's why most of the other guys were gone so quickly. Well, that and the nuttiness. But who knows?  How you been doing lately?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Well I am still technically cohabiting with the ex, but she only stops by a few hours on the weekends to get mail or do laundry.  So far she pays her half of the rent, stays gone and keeps quiet about her new romance when talking with me.  It could be a lot worse.  I'm not sure how long she plans on staying here, she is paying bills to have a home for her cat at this point.  I'm not sure about anything with the ex's behavior at this point.  She is 31 and trying to relive her party days.  Some of our younger friends that are 22 said they can't even keep up with her wild behavior.  I just hope she comes through this whole chapter without losing everything or worse, bringing another ass child into the world.

Overall things are improving.  I am seeing a therapist every other week and he has confirmed that I am fine but I do seem to attract crazy people.

I have a holiday weekend planned, there is a 4 day music festival with camping this weekend.  Me and the ex bought tickets when we were still together.  She is going with her new toy,  I am going alone.  I'll make friends there or bump into folks I know.  Hopefully I will miss the ex entirely amoung the thousands of people.  She still hasn't told me directly she even has a boyfriend so it is mildly entertaining watching her juggle, though it is kind of endearing that she still hides something she thinks would upset me.

All in all, life is great.  I'm wrapping my head around my new chapter in life, the one where I don't almost marry a legotimately crazy woman. :D

[goldylamont]

I probably wasn't going to post anything anyhow. But I thought these posts by her were to mirror and groom her new supply. If they are not directed at me, how can they be a trap for me or to get attention from me?

However, I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I was more thinking that it would make her look like the crazy opportunist that she's acting like all while poking fun at her behavior. I was figuring that the worst that would happen is that I would be unfriended and blocked, which wouldn't be too bad of a thing. I probably won't unfriend or block her. But I guess that I could make her do it to me since I won't do it to her.

Could I really look that bad by asking her something like, "I've known you 30 years, since when did you become a county girl"?

I will follow your advice though.

by posting anything, good or bad or nice or supportive or spiteful--will show that you are looking. that you care. and you are feeding the beast.

fred6 i can't say if your ex has an ulterior motive here to devalue you publicly or to get to you with these postings. i surely felt when my ex posted things that it had at least something to do with me. when we still lived together she threw her new r/s in my face plenty of times, i never asked but i always got details. after she moved out she would call me and devalue her new bf... .which to some degree was validating at the time, but i wasn't fully convinced that this was in fact how she treats *everyone*, including me. regardless of how much history she shares with them.

we got into a little spat over the phone about a month or so after she left and was reaching out to me... .i tried to be respectful and told her that i didn't feel comfortable talking in the way we were because she was in a new r/s. that if i was her bf that it would make me feel uncomfortable if she was connecting so much with the ex. i said i wanted to stay friends but wanted a little space while she worked out her r/s. i probably didn't have the most zen of attitudes about it -- she got nasty and said she never cared about me anyway and that i was stupid to think she was acting in ways other than being plutonic (bold faced lies, trick, i know when you're flirting i've known you for 4 years!). next day after all her complaints about the guy to me she's posting photos of them together having the best time ever... .hmmm.

you have more power in this exchange than you can see right now. but you can't play her game, you have different rules. she's a master at her game. she deceives and drops people as a way of life fred6, and now you are just beginning to see how she truly operates. if she never settled and then was with you for several years, this says something--don't believe her false persona of not caring at all about you. she's desperately trying to be someone else, to run away because leaving this r/s is affecting her. trust. but you can't engage in her shenanigans. your game plan is to fix up your new bachelor pad and be a damn good bachelor in it. that's it. justice will take care of itself, my situation was similar to yours so i'm just telling you what i went through.

but--you cannot initiate anything. you've got 3 years of skin in the game. country girl will hate cowboys in a few months, regardless of what you do. but i want you to avoid as much embarrassment as possible. you might think saying "I've known you 30 years, since when did you become a county girl?" as smart and sassy. but please believe you would be falling into her trap! . i'm sorry i just wanted to reiterate. she could easily deflate everything by saying "oh fred6 i guess you just never understood who i really was... .", or, whatever. she's better at you at this game. decades of practice. don't play it. even if you can't see it now, you'll see it by Springtime... .patience my friend  

if you feel the need to post on social media, ignore her isht completely. you don't see her posting on your stuff do you? no. because she knows how to be false like a pro. so don't go raining on her parade. if you want to post, take some time and make your apt really nice, take pics and post them up. invite some friends over and have a housewarming, throw a party, take pics and post those. go out and do things you couldn't do because you were wasting time on her, do a stay-cation, post pictures of this. do anything but try to go head-to-head with a social media narcissist -- you will lose even though you're the better person underneath.

[Blimblam]

Yes goldy is absolutely right.  Anything you say will be twisted and used against you. She may even recruit friends to make social media posts that's seem directed at you.  With her enabler a and social media the smear campaign can be orchestrated like a marketing campaign with stupid memes that somehow undermine you mAkin you seem like the negative person for not letting go as easily as her.

[freedom33]

she got nasty and said she never cared about me anyway and that i was stupid to think she was acting in ways other than being plutonic

What does plutonic mean?

[Chasing_Ghosts]

she got nasty and said she never cared about me anyway and that i was stupid to think she was acting in ways other than being plutonic

What does plutonic mean?

Platonic means a friendly relationship. It can have emotional intimacy and even love but never borders into physical attraction/ intimacy or romantic love. Your general friends or acquaintances.

[freedom33]

The word used was plutonic.

[goldylamont]

! Thanks Chasing_Ghosts... .

plu·ton·ic

plo͞oˈtänik/

adjective

adjective: plutonic; adjective: Plutonic

    1. Geology: relating to or denoting igneous rock formed by solidification at considerable depth beneath the earth's surface.

    2. relating to the underworld or the god Pluto.


that's a good one freedom33. i did misspell platonic, but maybe plutonic wasn't so far off base? 

[freedom33]

She was bringing the underworld alright... .

[Infared]

The word used was plutonic.

That refers to relationships with girls from the planet Pluto.

(That sort of works, too :-))

[Mr Hollande]

Or nuking them into oblivion?

Jokes aside, great post as always Goldylamont. Your posts often express what I am thinking but am not always able to put into words.

[christoff522]

Wow, she's starting to go ultra nutty with her mirroring her new supply with FB shares. I want to comment on them so badly. I would love to say, "Country girl? Since when did you become a country girl? That's too funny!" or "Just because you own a 4 wheeler that you rarely ride and drink Michelob ultra, doesn't make you a country girl, ".

What good would that do? Right now you're in control! Cutting off attention (your currency) is like cutting off a wellspring of water that she drinks from. Once a BPD relationship ends, the BPD wants to make you her friend (i.e. beta orbiter) so you can like her statuses and listen to her moan about her new guy. If you cut off contact, she has to chase you, ignore all this stuff because it's crap. Nothing she posts is real, you know that right? it's mirroring, my xBPD has been mirroring me from afar recently, liking everything I post on fb. She won't text me in case I reject her (i.e. tell her to eff off). So right now I'm in control. She has a bf yet she's mirroring me. Why? Because I'm in control of myself, because I'm far off, safe. The less I give attention, the more she goes crazy. Just wait it out. Better yourself Fred, don't rock the boat, just keep things as they are.

Would that be considered breaking NC? Thinking long term, it might be good because I would probably be instantly de-friended and blocked. We can't have the replacement getting any clue that she ain't her self proclaimed "country girl", lmao... .

Why break NC to jab her with a toothpick? Long term it may be better for you to remain NC, the moment you press enter you'll regret it. Trust me. It's a universal thing because it ALWAYS results in MORE CONTACT. A BPD will not give up. It'll drive you insane.

Wouldn't you rather wait a while, then become King of the castle? Imagine this... sitting on your throne whilst your BPD bows at your feet. Or BPD sitting on her throne whilst you grovel for scraps of affection, Oh great BPD queen, I worship your magnificence, there is none greater!

Come on...

BPD+attention=happy

BPD-attention=sad

Trust me when I say, cutting off your attention is the best way to get back at her. Just because she's left doesn't mean she doesn't crave your attention. My BPD told me she missed me whilst she went back to her ex. I believe her, they're not robots, they feel more than we do in many cases. The only reason a BPD leaves is because they think YOU'LL LEAVE or because YOU'RE WEAK. They're scared to get close in case you leave like Daddy did. They want to be dominated... so...

Leave for a while

return more confident with actual sef-esteem

set boundaries (you can't do that whilst you're with me)

be dominant (we'll go here, we'll do this)

laugh at her insults, treat her like a silly little sister

If she leaves, make no attempt at contact, do not beg, whine or insult.

She'll be back.

Never, EVER accept her saying "we're friends". YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS.

[freedom33]

The word used was plutonic.

That refers to relationships with girls from the planet Pluto.

(That sort of works, too :-))

I suppose that means they are... .Scorpios?

[freedom33]

Leave for a while

return more confident with actual sef-esteem

set boundaries (you can't do that whilst you're with me)

be dominant (we'll go here, we'll do this)

laugh at her insults, treat her like a silly little sister

If she leaves, make no attempt at contact, do not beg, whine or insult.

There is a catch 22 in this process. If you leave for a while and get some actual self-esteem you won't come back... .Life is too short to play such games.

[fred6]

The word used was plutonic.

That refers to relationships with girls from the planet Pluto.

(That sort of works, too :-))

I suppose that means they are... .Scorpios?

My ex is a Scorpio, hahaha... .

[freedom33]

Mine too... .

[Mr Hollande]

Mine was Pisces. The perfectly sane albeit eccentric girl I slept with during "down time" in my BPD relationship is a Scorpio. I don't think star signs have any relevance here guys.

And Fred, like Goldylamont, C522 just made some excellent points for you to take on board.

[goldylamont]

mine was a Scorpio as well. go figure. and she would use those stupid astrology reading to justify her behaviors as well.

christoff522, honestly that was the best and funniest thing i've read in a while. i was cracking up, because it is so true. fred6, if you don't get it from me, get it from christoff522 or someone else. withhold all attention for now. this is the stronger more powerful position.

[christoff522]

Leave for a while

return more confident with actual sef-esteem

set boundaries (you can't do that whilst you're with me)

be dominant (we'll go here, we'll do this)

laugh at her insults, treat her like a silly little sister

If she leaves, make no attempt at contact, do not beg, whine or insult.

There is a catch 22 in this process. If you leave for a while and get some actual self-esteem you won't come back... .Life is too short to play such games.

come on freedom don't go and ruin the surprise!

Seriously though, there is always that possibility of using and abusing the BPD, friend with benefits? Or you may want to be friends. The truth is (quoting a guy on sosuave).

the only way to keep BPD chicks around and in line is to treat them like dog s*** and stick to your guns when the manipulation comes. She will worship you. Sad but True - Never get emotionally invested and give very little if any validation.

Ignore them and watch them go bat s*** insane."

This probably won't work for most people. I have to admit, if it comes down to it I will try it, basically it's giving her what she wants. She treated me like sh** because I was weak. BPD's want dominant guys, they have no self-control, so they want someone to keep them in control. The first element of control is to cut off attention. But I can understand if people would want to recover and never look back. I don't think that loving your BPD however means you have low self esteem. If you hold yourself in high esteem, you can still go back to your BPD ex, because you know that the situation won't be the same, and if it is... you will leave. You basically become a god to them, because all their games, and bs doesn't work anymore, and you just so happen to be able to be with anyone you choose. I guess it feeds the narcissistic element of all of us guys.

Luckily everything I said applies for normal girls, in fact more so... because what I described is what ALL women want.

The quickest way to get rid of a BPD is to become clingy and beta.

[freedom33]

It is not what women want, it's what people want. No man wants a woman doormat either... .But if if a woman is testing your boundaries relentlesly then it's better you walk away. It's like water - it's gentle, soft and harmless almost refreshing but it erodes rocks and rusts iron... .