Hardest decision of my life...

[donnab]

I posted recently about my situation. My daughter has just been diagnosed 2 weeks ago. We have been looking after her 14 month old for the past 3 months. There were a lot of neglect/emotional abuse issues leading up to her leaving here, I tried to get help from Children's Services (we are in the UK) but they wouldn't listen and openly told my daughter I was maliciously lying to gain custody of gd.

There was a meeting on Tuesday as my daughter wants her daughter back. As it's a private arrangement (i.e she left her here rather than CS removing her) so she still has PR, CS are not going to intervene. My daughter is homeless & has been accepted to a mother & baby assisted living scheme, but of course needs a baby to live there. Since being accepted there she has started to have gd for the weekend - before this contact was very sporadic. My gd's behaviour is different when she comes back, not her easy going self, trantumy, smacking & has been being agreesive to the other children at the Childminders.

My daughter is still very unstable, she has been taking meds for 2 weeks, has not engaged in any services/therapy. If she goes to this place it is staff Mon-Fri 9-5, she will be out of the local area away from us (who used to go and intervene when she wasn't coping & shouting at the baby). If she has gd back, she will move out of area so will not come under the mental health team here and will need to start the process again. CS have said they will not fund nursery so she can go to therapy.Her relationship with her partner is abusive and gd has been witnessing them fighting.

I feel deeply worried that without therapy the abuse will inevitably return. I took some legal advice yesterday and was advised to file a petition at work to temporarily have a a contact order giving me PR and ask a judge to review the case as I do not feel my gd's best interests are being put first. I feel if she doesn't have her back NOW she can engage with therapy and the long term chances of her recovery will be better and then gd and she can be reunited.

This without doubt will cause terrible pain for my daughter and very likely will unleash the worst of her moods which will be directed at me. She will continue to be homeless. My partner & I are divided on this. I feel the calateral damage to my gd is too big a risk until she is stable, he feels this is the best chance she has. He doesn't want the consequences of such a drastic move, I don't want my gd to continue being abused.

In the decade where we have been through hell, this has got to be one of the worst decisions I have ever been faced with. It will cause so much pain and upset for everyone concerned... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

donnab-that really is difficult-you are very brave to go out on a limb like this to protect your granddaughter.

I am sorry to hear that children's services were so unhelpful. Many child protection social workers have a poor understanding of adult mental health issues.


As well as this site the grandparent's association are very good at supporting and advising on these sort of issues. (Not so much about your daughter in the way this site does but more about residence and child protection.)-You can google them.

Is your partner your daughter's biological father? It must be very difficult for you that you are not in agreement about this.

Do post again to let us know what decisions you make. It is very difficult to see a grandchild go through all this.

[lbjnltx]

The greatest gift that you can give your daughter is to protect her daughter.  Your daughter will not recognize this now as she is in the depths of her illness, hopefully in time she will.  If she doesn't in this lifetime, she will in the next.

The greatest acts of love are sometimes costly.



lbjnltx

[peace in steel town]

Doesn't the best medicine always taste the worst? Keep us posted, good luck.

[chooselove]

I so agree with lbjnltx's post above.  Your granddaughter is counting on you and it appears there is no one else who can stand in the gap for her.  One day she will say, "Thank you for protecting me!"  Much better than her suffering and feeling abandoned and one day saying to you in anger, "How could you have let me go back into that hell hole!"

I'm on your side donnab and very proud of you. xoxo

[qcarolr]

This is the hardest decision. It feels like having to choose between the two girls you love the most in the world. I can feel your pain as I have been there too. It is still hard for me, yet protecting my gd9 to the best of my ability is so worth it. She is innocent in the drama of your D's life.

Even as my relationship with my DD28, with the help of lots of learning, practice of new skills and support of others that get it, she is still ANGRY that her daughter is living with us. She still uses this anger when she wants something we are saying 'no' to. Even though she has been in so many bf relationships over the past 15 years, has lived homeless for the past 5 years, and has become addicted to drugs she still believes that she can parent her child much of the time. We sought legal protections for gd starting when she was 9 months and DD was gone 90% of the time with her friends. She continuously used gd as a tool to manipulation with us.

There are other grandparents here that have endured this experience. Some go to court and get an order for regular visitation with the gkids. I hope one of them can reply to you with their experience.

Please keep us posted about how this is going for you.

qcr

[js friend]

OH donnab

I do so hope the judge will see the sense in your gc remaining with you and will grant you this order.

Please come back and let us know how you got on.

[donnab]

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I am so confused & hurt about this latest development. Yesterday I dropped gd off for her weekend contact, she didn't want to go. Mum said "you're coming with Mummy now" and gd said "noo" (that's how she says no  ) then my dd picked her up and took her inside and she started crying and looked me straight in the eyes with a worried look in her eyes. It was heartbreaking.

I then spoke to my daughter in the late afternoon, and she was fine, completely normal, calm and rational. And that's the hard part isn't it with BPD? The split between the various sides of her nature. Now I am tore again over what is the "right" thing to do. But I keep coming back to the fact, she doesn't want to do bad things but she can't control it, and she won't be able to control it without therapy. If she goes to this unit she won't be able to access the therapy, so inevitably the abuse will start again when she is tired, stressed & lonely

[Elbry]

I am a grandmother who had to make the very heartbreaking decision to intervene when my grandsons were in an unsafe situation with my older daughter who is not a pwBPD.  Child services were involved in this case because of her mental health, drug and alcohol abuse and domestic violence in front of the boys.  The boys came into my home almost 2 years ago, when one was 2 and a half and one was 8 months.  My daughter has since lost lost all parental rights because she refused to leave the boyfriend and the violence continued, the drinking and drug use also continued.  She has left him now, too late, and has a third child a little baby girl who is 3 weeks old.  I am holding my breath because she sends the baby to a sitter (my sister) and parties hard.

I still have guilt over my calls to CPS, I still cry when those boys cry for their mother.  BUT.  They are safe.  They didn't continue to see mom and BF beating each other up.  They didn't continue to be exposed to all the drugs and alcohol, who knows what might have happened to those boys while the parents were high?  It was a very hard decision but here is the bottom line.  Your granddaughter is too young to speak for herself, for her own safety, so you have to speak for her and look out for her.  That is what I decided I had to do. The babies are innocents and are helpless to adult decisions. You have to do what you feel is best for that little girl and just hope and pray someday your DD gets it together.

[mom2bpd]

I also want to say that I respect your decision to put your gd first.  As a grandmother, who didn't realize that my gd7's mother was BPD when she was younger, I would advise getting custody or a court order now while your gd is young.  My BPDD has put my gd7 through so much pain and this continues today.  My gd7 has been in and out of our care and our home (her grandfather and I).  We are the only stable adults in her life and this has been the case since the day she was born.  If I would've known what I know now, I would've tried to get at least joint custody when my gd was younger.  My BPDD recently remarried and so now my gd7 not only has to contend with her mother's craziness, but with the craziness of her stepfather, who is at least equally troubled.  It's sad to see what this poor child has to contend with and how she's learned to deal with her mother and the stepfather.  She is in our care right now because the stepfather and her mother were at each other's throat.  Besides that the stepfather managed to get himself arrested twice in the span of 3 weeks.  They have been getting along better for the past 2 and half weeks, and now my BPDD is talking about gd7 moving back in with them!  It is so frustrating dealing with BPD.  I keep telling my BPDD to put her daughter first and let her finish the semester at the school near our home rather than changing her in the middle.  I also keep trying to reinforce that BPDD needs counseling, as well as the stepfather, and they all need family counseling.  Sometimes, I feel I'm talking to myself because BPDD is only going to do what's best for her or the stepfather.  He has no legal rights to my gd7 but wants to control everything she does and says and even what she wears.  So, as I said, save your GD the misery of having to deal with future stepfathers and/or boyfriends that your BPDD will bring into the GD's life besides the fact that your GD will have to deal with her BPD mother.  Do not question your motives in this case because you have the child's best interest at heart, and you are the only one who does and that will remain the same in the future unless your BPDD gets lots of help.

[qcarolr]

donnab

What kind of support do you have on the legal side? The assistance dh and I received from a lawyer with experience in non-parent custody/visitation etc. was so valuable. I am not sure how this works in the UK.

So, as I said, save your GD the misery of having to deal with future stepfathers and/or boyfriends that your BPDD will bring into the GD's life besides the fact that your GD will have to deal with her BPD mother.  Do not question your motives in this case because you have the child's best interest at heart, and you are the only one who does and that will remain the same in the future unless your BPDD gets lots of help.

I have experienced this with my DD28. She truly believes, most of the time, that she is a 'good' mom and that her choices of bf's will create a 'good' home. Truth does not really enter into DD's choices so far. My view of the truth is that DD cannot see how she impacts her daughter by her interactions with others in her daughter's presence. DD can be screaming at me, threatening me, cornering me (and gd) in her rage and not accept that this is causing harm to her gd9. It is a struggle for me to understand this from my DD's perspective - really hard.

DD had a very bad year in 2013 and is still being held to the consequences of a very nasty breakup with bf. She was also out of control multiple times in front of gd last year both in our home and on visits outside of our home. She has been in the legal system for over a year now, being in jail since February with release projected for November or December. Gd wants nothing to do with her mom, though she did speak to her this past week briefly on speaker phone. I think DD gets it that GD is choosing to not have contact with her. It is not coming from me or dh. I am hopeful that this will continue to lead to good choices for DD in getting treatment for mental health and drug use both in jail and when she gets out. This is her only avenue to rebuild a relationship with gd. I have been really clear about this.

Even with custody of gd there is drama in our life. It is so important to shelter our young ones as early as possible and for as long as possible. There is so much current research on the long term impacts of trauma in a young child's development. It is better to limit the potential for 'damage' rather than be in repair mode as we are. I let my DD stay involved too deeply with gd in my naive desire for them to have a good r/s. This can be repaired with work on all our parts. Things are already better in my family, bit by bit.

Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers for the courage and strength to do what is the best path for your family. Protect your little one that has no voice in her life yet.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[donnab]

Today my decision has been made. I received a call from the Police at 9.17 asking me to go and pick up gd. There had been a fight between BPDD and her bf and the Police had been called GD was there. When I got there BPDD was unstable, distressed, crying in front of GD, full of self loathing. I am taking tomorrow off of work & submitting the application.

In terms of legal advice, there are a number of legal centres that give advice which I have sought advice from. Once I have completed the paperwork I will call and run through what I have written. All I am asking is for the court to temporarily give me PR and agree it is in my GD's best interests she stays with me while an independent court appointed SW reviews the evidence to ensure my GD's best interests are at the heart of the current plan for her. I do not believe they are and instead the plan for her to return to my daughter is driven by my daughter's need for housing. I am also going to ask that contact be supervised as GD has been distressed in BPDD's care (she has been displaying anger at BPDD, looked distressed when realised she was being left with her), so I  would request contact goes back several steps so we can go forward at a pace my GD is happy & feels secure with

[qcarolr]

This is a good plan. I will keep you in my prayers for success, now and into the future.

qcr