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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: When do BPDex's NOT come back & Mirroring  (Read 14062 times)
Algae
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« on: September 17, 2014, 10:33:43 PM »

Question 1

I know the majority of BPD ex's come back... hell my ex of 4 years came back 6-7 times!

But what makes a BPDex, NOT come back?  Ever again?

Question 2

And if an ex is mirroring to impress a new supply/replacement (mirroring in ways where shes literally pretending to be everything shes not), is it possible for her to fall out of it due to her honestly not liking all that stuff deep down?  Or does she truly believe she likes it all of a sudden.
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Infern0
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2014, 11:01:49 PM »

From everything I've read and from my own experience you can NEVER count on them being gone for good.

I'd say 99% of times people have got away for good it's because of NC and just the BPD being unable to contact them.

I've read of BPD exes attempting recycles after 7 years of no contact.

Of course every individual case is different but being painted Permenantly black seems rare. In fact it seems that happens more often when the non has been COMPLETELY used up and broken and the BPD takes off.

If you get out with your facilities somewhat intact it seems they will be drawn back at some point
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Algae
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2014, 11:20:35 PM »

From everything I've read and from my own experience you can NEVER count on them being gone for good.

I'd say 99% of times people have got away for good it's because of NC and just the BPD being unable to contact them.

I've read of BPD exes attempting recycles after 7 years of no contact.

Of course every individual case is different but being painted Permenantly black seems rare. In fact it seems that happens more often when the non has been COMPLETELY used up and broken and the BPD takes off.

If you get out with your facilities somewhat intact it seems they will be drawn back at some point

thank you for your reply <3.  May I ask what you mean by "facilities intact"?  I feel that way too though.  I don't know if they'll be drawn back if they move on with someone else but, eh.

And if you have one, whats your opinion on the second question Smiling (click to insert in post).
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Infern0
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« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2014, 12:16:31 AM »

From everything I've read and from my own experience you can NEVER count on them being gone for good.

I'd say 99% of times people have got away for good it's because of NC and just the BPD being unable to contact them.

I've read of BPD exes attempting recycles after 7 years of no contact.

Of course every individual case is different but being painted Permenantly black seems rare. In fact it seems that happens more often when the non has been COMPLETELY used up and broken and the BPD takes off.

If you get out with your facilities somewhat intact it seems they will be drawn back at some point

thank you for your reply <3.  May I ask what you mean by "facilities intact"?  I feel that way too though.  I don't know if they'll be drawn back if they move on with someone else but, eh.

And if you have one, whats your opinion on the second question Smiling (click to insert in post).

By faculties intact I mean you still had some sort of resistance left.

In the case of mine she tried to friendzone me,  I didn't have it,  I was like look I love you but I'm not doing the friendzone thing. I was painted black and abused badly over text, I mean badly,  all hell broke loose I've never seen anything like it, the lies spread about me were insane, I was worse than Hitler in her eyes.   I went no contact and she lasted 3 weeks before she's trying to talk to me and fix things.

On the other hand guys who actually get friendzone and then completely broken and used up trying to "prove themselves" end up painted black and seem to never hear from the BPD again.

They need to "win" for you to be Permenantly painted black imo. Walking away on your own terms is something they don't seem to be able to handle
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Blimblam
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« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2014, 12:50:16 AM »

Smother them with love and try to get them to apologize. That will send them packing
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Infern0
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« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2014, 12:54:05 AM »

Smother them with love and try to get them to apologize. That will send them packing

This is true. Ultra romantic sappy fool,  they won't be able to stand it and will run for the hills.
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Algae
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« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2014, 12:59:48 AM »

Smother them with love and try to get them to apologize. That will send them packing

Well it's not something I'm going to do Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), I was just curious at my First question to see what the scenario would have to be for them to not come running back after they dumped you for someone else like they always do
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Harlequin

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« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2014, 01:16:52 AM »

1; my belief is they don't come back once you start to stands by your boundaries and start to call them responsible for their actions.   Yes I am compassionate for their suffering , but it does not give my ez permission to use me as emotional punching bag.

Yes I enabled at the start and I did appoligise and communicate after I found out that it was unhealthy for me.

Another theory is that they have said so much behind your back to the people you been painted black to , that there is no real way for them to come back without revealing that they have made up ___ about you.  They have a new bunch of folk patting them pon the back saying poor darling etc.

2;  dude as I'm just starting to realize, I'm still trying to process it , is that they mirrored us.  That's why we fell so hard for them and why it feels so good ,  it will come apart for the new person just as much as it did for you.  She believes it enough to fill her needs ., In time she will start to think that she has done all this changing to make him happy and now he has to do stuff make her happy. , and the entitlement stage will sdtart for him to. Change to fit her unreal expectations will kick in.   What your seeing is what we all went through in the adoration phase of the relationship.

Re!member that fear is the most important part of their emotional mindset,  it takes us years to learn to trust again, or to love honest and try.  Jisat think what it takes to just walk info anorthers bed and how easy her memories were discarded.

We did no wrong , except we believed them , and love them.   And put up with there ___.
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Suspicious1
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« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2014, 02:05:33 AM »

I honestly think mine is gone for good, and weirdly I think that's partly because I sent him an email saying I'd always be open to talk about reconciliation. I think that's given him the incentive to carry on his ST, maybe thinking I'll always be available, and I'm guessing he's just over me by now.

Obviously the more time goes on the more I've moved on myself, but anyway. I've not heard from mine since I left him nearly four months ago and I can't see any reason for that to change.
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freedom33
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« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2014, 03:43:27 AM »

They are desperately looking to join a club but they wouldn't join a club that would have them as a member. It's a Sisyphean catch 22. The more you give in they more they lose interest in you. It is impossible for them being with someone whe has dignity, boundaries, strength - it doesn't play well in their world. This means that they don't have control and loss of control brings possibility of abandonment. So they will work hard to erode any sense of self respect and control you have over your life. When I was ok she wasn't ok, when she was ok I wasn't. That was our dynamic. They will bring you down. Now if you have left with some dignity intact, if you  did not become a complete doormat and shown some strength then expect to hear back.
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trappedbadly

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« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2014, 03:49:49 AM »

how to go nc if v happen to work in the same place?

how best to respond so dat i can stay away from him?
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Algae
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2014, 03:51:17 AM »

They are desperately looking to join a club but they wouldn't join a club that would have them as a member. It's a Sisyphean catch 22. The more you give in they more they lose interest in you. It is impossible for them being with someone whe has dignity, boundaries, strength - it doesn't play well in their world. This means that they don't have control and loss of control brings possibility of abandonment. So they will work hard to erode any sense of self respect and control you have over your life. When I was ok she wasn't ok, when she was ok I wasn't. That was our dynamic. They will bring you down. Now if you have left with some dignity intact, if you  did not become a complete doormat and shown some strength then expect to hear back.

"The more we give in, the more they lose interest"- i understand that but, I have a question about it.

If we give in TOO much... then they love it for a bit... idolize it... then throw it away.  But if we don't give in at all, then they'll get paranoid and line up a backup or they might just get scared and leave up before they think we'll leave them like they normally do.  Right?  It's a Lose lose


how to go nc if v happen to work in the same place?

how best to respond so dat i can stay away from him?

hmm... That's quite the tough one to answer :/  I assume just totally not involving them into your life and ignoring all contact is as good as you can do
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Infern0
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« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2014, 04:07:05 AM »

Algae,  BPD often have longer but way more messed up relationships with other PD typed

Narcisistic personality disorder

Sociopath

Psychopath

The reason why is that these types are emotionally detached and as such are able to oddly think more clearly than "normals" and exploit the BPD

The psychopath and sociopath in particular are BETTER manipulators than the BPD if you can belive that.

To give an example you can basically play on their abandonment fears.  Give them attention and love, then snatch it away and watch them come running.  Give it back,  take it away.

It's sick but it works.  A normal person cannot play such awful tricks and exploit a BPD like this, but there are people who can.

I actually unintentional did this once,  not knowing she was BPD I got annoyed at what I thought was immature game playing, and stopped replying to her texts for a day,  and she came running to me hysterical begging me to "take her back and not leave her"

I was like hey hey its alright don't worry,  but imagine I was some sociopath,  I would have thought bingo I can get her to do whatever I want here. There was a sociopath on a forum somewhere saying how he "used his little BPD ___ and made her dance for his attention" absolutely gruesome.

If you have no emotions and was a cold,  calculated sicko there IS weaknesses to exploit.

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lm911
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« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2014, 04:16:12 AM »

I have been painted black for 10 months and I don't think she will every recycle me. I think that once they capture you and you give them all of yourself - they don't need you anymore so they split you black and don't come back. If you are not so into them and a break up happens they will try to recycle.
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Algae
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« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2014, 04:20:21 AM »

Algae,  BPD often have longer but way more messed up relationships with other PD typed

Narcisistic personality disorder

Sociopath

Psychopath

The reason why is that these types are emotionally detached and as such are able to oddly think more clearly than "normals" and exploit the BPD

The psychopath and sociopath in particular are BETTER manipulators than the BPD if you can belive that.

To give an example you can basically play on their abandonment fears.  Give them attention and love, then snatch it away and watch them come running.  Give it back,  take it away.

It's sick but it works.  A normal person cannot play such awful tricks and exploit a BPD like this, but there are people who can.

I actually unintentional did this once,  not knowing she was BPD I got annoyed at what I thought was immature game playing, and stopped replying to her texts for a day,  and she came running to me hysterical begging me to "take her back and not leave her"

I was like hey hey its alright don't worry,  but imagine I was some sociopath,  I would have thought bingo I can get her to do whatever I want here. There was a sociopath on a forum somewhere saying how he "used his little BPD ___ and made her dance for his attention" absolutely gruesome.

If you have no emotions and was a cold,  calculated sicko there IS weaknesses to exploit.

I see.  

I'm 100% sure my ex is BPD, and If she was to message me tomorrow (she wont) then Id tell her to go get evaluated and that im gone.

But her self esteem is so low that if I get upset she would cry, "I don't want you to leave me!"  With tears down her face, and slobber running out of her mouth almost like a 5 year old child.  But if I get busy for a day or dont respond to a text or 2 because I took a nap or something... she gets in a haze to where she automatically thinks i'm going to leave, or that the whole relationship is not healthy and its doomed.

So she'll get in an 'alone' phase, and avoid me pretty much.  Its an immature way of acting thats pretty much her just going, "Go ahead, everyone else already left me :/... thats life."  
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Algae
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« Reply #15 on: September 18, 2014, 04:21:11 AM »

I have been painted black for 10 months and I don't think she will every recycle me. I think that once they capture you and you give them all of yourself - they don't need you anymore so they split you black and don't come back. If you are not so into them and a break up happens they will try to recycle.

Has she ever recycled/come back to you before though?
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lm911
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« Reply #16 on: September 18, 2014, 04:35:54 AM »

I have been painted black for 10 months and I don't think she will every recycle me. I think that once they capture you and you give them all of yourself - they don't need you anymore so they split you black and don't come back. If you are not so into them and a break up happens they will try to recycle.

Has she ever recycled/come back to you before though?

At the beginning when we were dating and I decided that I don't want to be with her- she clinged and she was desperate. After that the relationship started and here I am. She has recycled only friends, no boyfriends.
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Infern0
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« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2014, 04:45:00 AM »

I have been painted black for 10 months and I don't think she will every recycle me. I think that once they capture you and you give them all of yourself - they don't need you anymore so they split you black and don't come back. If you are not so into them and a break up happens they will try to recycle.

Has she ever recycled/come back to you before though?

At the beginning when we were dating and I decided that I don't want to be with her- she clinged and she was desperate. After that the relationship started and here I am. She has recycled only friends, no boyfriends.

THAT YOU KNOW OF

the last thing you want to do is assume anything is truth when it comes to BPD.  Mine is trying to recycle a guy she cheated with 2 years ago.  Who "ruined her life"

If you are engaged in any way with a BPD,  throw logic out the window because it won't help you.

Expect the unexpected and don't think you know what they will or won't do. Even if they haven't recycled a boyfriend it doesn't mean you won't be the first,  she might have tried to with others but been told to get lost.  She MIGHT attempt to recycle you,  you can be painted white at the drop of a hat.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2014, 04:57:31 AM »

These are interesting questions and responses--I'm not sure my exbfBPD will ever break ST or make recycle attempts, because of the legal and financial mess he's made for himself AGAIN. I know he has not spoken with family members (including an adult daughter, both brothers, his father, ex wives, etc.) for many years. ST seems to make him feel very much in control, and he is a CONTROL FREAK. His reasons for remaining ST with the aforementioned is, "They never gave me a dime when I needed it." Money plays some HUGE role for my exbfBPD waif--more than sex, etc. Cars also are a HUGE deal as is gambling, making others "jealous," and indulging his sons materially. I enabled him to do all those things for a year until I put my foot down convincingly. Now that he has bled me and/or robbed me of all my "facilities" (in his case, money), I doubt I will hear from him again--except for in legal proceedings where I intend to regain my "facilities."
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AlonelyOne
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« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2014, 09:22:01 AM »

I guess as soon as they reach a point where they need assistance and view you as useful again.
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Tater tot
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« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2014, 10:42:10 AM »

I think there is a good chance they will always come back... .which is weird because they also go through SO MANY partners, surely they don't recycle with everyone... .where would they find the time?

My exBPDbf tried to recycle after 4 years, but I was in another relationship, and thought it was weird that he reached out and came to see me, but didn't think anything of it at the time, other than it being odd. Didn't even think he was trying to get me back, as he had a gf at the time that he ended up marrying (and divorcing), and then he came back 10 years later just this past summer and we dated for several weeks before he opted to flee before I left him, and i'm painted a shade of "grey" right now.

They come back, who knows why? Who knows when? And who knows with how many do they try and recycle... .
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Algae
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« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2014, 04:02:03 PM »

I think there is a good chance they will always come back... .which is weird because they also go through SO MANY partners, surely they don't recycle with everyone... .where would they find the time?

My exBPDbf tried to recycle after 4 years, but I was in another relationship, and thought it was weird that he reached out and came to see me, but didn't think anything of it at the time, other than it being odd. Didn't even think he was trying to get me back, as he had a gf at the time that he ended up marrying (and divorcing), and then he came back 10 years later just this past summer and we dated for several weeks before he opted to flee before I left him, and i'm painted a shade of "grey" right now.

They come back, who knows why? Who knows when? And who knows with how many do they try and recycle... .

I think they come back to the partner who they've trusted the most, or been with the longest, or just whom they feel like they have control of the best.  My ex always comes back after 4 months.
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fred6
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« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2014, 01:57:55 PM »

By faculties intact I mean you still had some sort of resistance left.

Now if you have left with some dignity intact, if you  did not become a complete doormat and shown some strength then expect to hear back.

I was stuck living with her for 2 months. I believe that I was a doormat. I was sad, depressed, and lonely. I kept telling her that I loved her and showing affection until she told me to stop it a week before I left. After that, for the last week that I was there, I kept to myself and was totally withdrawn from her. Then, I held my head up, moved my sh!t, and left.

For the whole 2 months, it didn't matter what I did or how I acted. She seemed not to care either way. I have always got the impression from her attitude and how she's done her other ex-boyfriends that she would never recycle me. That's not really a bad thing. I just feel that once a pwBPD has done and said certain things, there comes a point of no return and they realize that they can never come back.
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