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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Questions for ourselves are you really ready?  (Read 3671 times)
Rifka
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« on: September 20, 2014, 04:08:04 PM »

Sorry I am reprinting this on a new thread because I think it's important to stop questioning their actions and start questioning our own.

They are mentally ill!

What is our excuse and what are we going to do about it?

My intention is not to be harsh, but to get the thinking going the other way.

This way has allowed me to free myself and I'm not turning back. I'm walking the walk




I was thinking that most of us want to keep the great, fun exciting part alive, so we keep the memories. The only big problem is by keeping that alive is also keeping your heart yearning, and showing your eyes and brain the pictures, voice mail, text, Facebook to not heal properly.

So many are still spying or have not completely blocked the ex on fb.

Why is that?

So many are answering unknown calls when you have blocked them.

Why is that?

DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED CALLS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BREAK N/C ITS THEM!

So many are answering calls, texts, emails?

Why is that?

Unless children involved, I guess my question is why when somebody has already treated us like crap, maybe cheated on us, may have a sexually transmitted disease now, may have physically abused us. Definitely mentally abused us.

Why do we want them back?

What would you tell your best friend or child if they told us about this situation and how abused they were?

Why not follow the same advise we would give?

There really is a point where we all have to pick ourselves up, wipe the dirt off and just free ourselves of this destruction. I know it is very hard and everybody has different situations.

We have to stop being afraid of being alone with ourselves.

We don't have to answer the phone because it rings, it okay to tell yourself no!

Sacrificing ourselves and losing who we are at the hands of BPD has to end.

I know many here are ready to do this, some are not and it's each persons choice.

Just try to listen to your head (above your shoulders) and not your heart in this situation.

Try it, you might like the clarity, the freedom, the peace of mind and the opportunity to find somebody who deserves you, when you are ready!

I LOVE IT!

Rifka



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« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2014, 04:36:36 PM »

DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED CALLS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BREAK N/C ITS THEM!

I'd agree with most of your post, just not the one above.  I regularly receive calls from 'unknown' numbers and they are usually from healthcare professionals involved with my son. So ignoring those calls is not an option.  Luckily my pwBPD has never called from an unknown number, and if he did I would be quite happy to hang up without being drawn into a conversation with him.

A lot of business numbers are automatically withheld, and I suppose people who are self employed/have children etc cannot afford to reject every one of those. Also could be more difficult if they call people at work.  My work number did not have a screening facility. 

It all depends on individual circumstances/situations as to whether you can potentially avoid an unknown call from a BPD, unless you can change EVERY number the BPD has for you.  If you can, go for it.

If you can't... .JUST HANG UP!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2014, 04:46:01 PM »

I think the reason that nons break nc is because of hope. Hope is a big part of all BPD relationships. Us nons hoped during the relationship they would seek the help they need or just start understanding and changing in a good way. Basically hoping back to the idealization phase. I know while I was still in contact with my exBPDgf that all I had left was hope. I hoped she would tell me the truth about the other guy or hoped she was doing what she said she was doing. Almost hoping to recycle even tho I never really gave up on her in the first place. People that break no contact are really just hoping for a recycle or truth and validation from the exBPD. They might not say it but it's basically what the entire relationship was about in the first place. Just a lot of hoping and wishing on our part.
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2014, 04:51:06 PM »

I think it is we made a soulmate bond so the 2 became 1. And when they leave we do not feel whole. The thing is we are whole.  We are 1. Yet we feel the division between the ego and the source as 2 seperated by an ocean of pain. So now the ego must sink down to the source to become 1 again.
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Rifka
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2014, 04:53:04 PM »

DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED CALLS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BREAK N/C ITS THEM!

I'd agree with most of your post, just not the one above.  I regularly receive calls from 'unknown' numbers and they are usually from healthcare professionals involved with my son. So ignoring those calls is not an option.  Luckily my pwBPD has never called from an unknown number, and if he did I would be quite happy to hang up without being drawn into a conversation with him.

A lot of business numbers are automatically withheld, and I suppose people who are self employed/have children etc cannot afford to reject every one of those. Also could be more difficult if they call people at work.  My work number did not have a screening facility. 

It all depends on individual circumstances/situations as to whether you can potentially avoid an unknown call from a BPD, unless you can change EVERY number the BPD has for you.  If you can, go for it.

If you can't... .JUST HANG UP!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for posting that!

It's not so easy for most to hang up. Most answer and then once they hear the voice of the ex, they are re triggered and starting the thoughts and pain all over again, even un necessarily  blaming themselves.

There has to be a better way to avoid this problem.
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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2014, 04:56:12 PM »

Me and my xwife have a child, but I have restricted contact to text messages unless phonecalls when strictly necessery.

This is much more effective than I could have ever imagined. In a text message there is no sweet-talk, no crying, no long pregnant silences... .

I realize now how impossible it was dealing with her face to face. We never got any talking done. It was always about non verbal communication, about how and when to talk, about how it made her feel when I had said something etc etc bla bla

Now it's just right to the point - send me a question and I will answer!
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2014, 05:02:41 PM »

DO NOT ANSWER BLOCKED CALLS, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BREAK N/C ITS THEM!

I'd agree with most of your post, just not the one above.  I regularly receive calls from 'unknown' numbers and they are usually from healthcare professionals involved with my son. So ignoring those calls is not an option.  Luckily my pwBPD has never called from an unknown number, and if he did I would be quite happy to hang up without being drawn into a conversation with him.

A lot of business numbers are automatically withheld, and I suppose people who are self employed/have children etc cannot afford to reject every one of those. Also could be more difficult if they call people at work.  My work number did not have a screening facility. 

It all depends on individual circumstances/situations as to whether you can potentially avoid an unknown call from a BPD, unless you can change EVERY number the BPD has for you.  If you can, go for it.

If you can't... .JUST HANG UP!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks for posting that!

It's not so easy for most to hang up. Most answer and then once they hear the voice of the ex, they are re triggered and starting the thoughts and pain all over again, even un necessarily  blaming themselves.

There has to be a better way to avoid this problem.

True, I know many here struggle on hearing the ex's voice and the manipulation that follows.  Which is why I suggested changing all numbers IF possible.  I'll keep my numbers as I'm too busy to change them and make sure everyone that needs it gets it.  I'm probably just the 'cold hearted b***h' he accused me of being, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2014, 05:07:09 PM »

I think it is we made a soulmate bond so the 2 became 1. And when they leave we do not feel whole. The thing is we are whole.  We are 1. Yet we feel the division between the ego and the source as 2 seperated by an ocean of pain. So now the ego must sink down to the source to become 1 again.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

Now it's like cleaning up after the storm. What's left? What's real? What next?
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2014, 07:03:05 PM »

I feel a strong love towards my BPD ex, but I know I am not ready to have any kind of relationship with her. I do recreate my abusive childhood when she manipulate me. Still I wonder how to make her develop and make progress, hopefully one day become well.
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2014, 09:25:33 PM »

I think it is we made a soulmate bond so the 2 became 1. And when they leave we do not feel whole. The thing is we are whole.  We are 1. Yet we feel the division between the ego and the source as 2 seperated by an ocean of pain. So now the ego must sink down to the source to become 1 again.

IMHO it's actually a bit more. Two become one. To become two separate individuals again its not delicate surgery... .it's a chainsaw. That's why the healing takes so long and we walk around dazed and wounded. Keep hope alive because the past does not have to define our future. Our future can be better than our past with our intense work.
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« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2014, 09:29:09 PM »

Many of us are not ready.  You make a good point.  I am a fan of closure, too, although many of us can't get it.  I think it's good if you can try to resolve some things before you move on, but that's not always possible.
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« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2014, 09:41:26 PM »

The mention of the word hope is interesting. I had a lot of hope just after the relationship ended. Not hope for getting back with the BPD. Although I was in a world of pain I understood and accepted that it was well and truly over. The hope I felt was for myself and all the opportunities at my disposal with Miss BPD finally out of my hair. That hope has gradually been replaced with lack of drive and a loss of focus. I wonder if the hope felt so early on is a form or brain morphine to stop us dying from the shock. Over time when the trauma has healed a little hope/morphine wears off and a realisation of the limb that's been blown off becomes reality. What remains from there is just debilitation.
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« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2014, 10:02:23 PM »

Without HOPE we're done. Hope is:

HEARING that small voice inside us telling us we can make it (God or higher power)

Being OPEN to the possibility of believing again (don't let your past define your future)

Participating in the PROCESS of healing (no isolation; get moving; take action; support group)

EXPECT your future to be better than your past

After a nearly 28 year r/s I still have HOPE. It may be small but I'm working on it.
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« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2014, 11:53:03 PM »

I feel a strong love towards my BPD ex, but I know I am not ready to have any kind of relationship with her. I do recreate my abusive childhood when she manipulate me. Still I wonder how to make her develop and make progress, hopefully one day become well.

Rolfie,

Please read about BPD on this site. It will teach you a lot about understanding this disorder. You are feeling a strong love towards the person she made you think she was, but that is not who she is. It's kind of hard to understand unless you are ready to.

I'm sorry that you had an abusive childhood, nobody deserves that. Many if us come from that too. You do not deserve an abusive adulthood! The choice is yours to choose at this point.

Rifka

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« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2014, 12:26:10 AM »

The mention of the word hope is interesting. I had a lot of hope just after the relationship ended. Not hope for getting back with the BPD. Although I was in a world of pain I understood and accepted that it was well and truly over. The hope I felt was for myself and all the opportunities at my disposal with Miss BPD finally out of my hair. That hope has gradually been replaced with lack of drive and a loss of focus. I wonder if the hope felt so early on is a form or brain morphine to stop us dying from the shock. Over time when the trauma has healed a little hope/morphine wears off and a realisation of the limb that's been blown off becomes reality. What remains from there is just debilitation.

Wow that is deep and sounds really horrible!

I have to honestly say that I feel completely different after this past month here. I really have pushed myself back over the other side that I allowed myself to be thrown over.

I felt debilitated and unmotivated being with my exBPDbf because he had me so confused with all of his constant irrational behavior and accusations towards the end. I was allowing him to drive me crazy with his actions and words and mixed messages that could change from minute to minute.

I am completely motivated to do even better than I did before I met him, because I didn't do my best while I was with him.

I actually have my brain working again so clearly.


How do you think that you can become motivated again?

What do you think you are holding yourself back for?

You are on your way to wholeness, you are missing the craziness and drama perhaps, not a limb!

I too felt like I was dying and part of me was gone. I have to say after reading here, taking a few books from the library and talking on the threads. It was about two weeks before everything clicked, I understood everything I had questions about and I started healing me. I refused to accept anything but positive forward thoughts about me without the ex.

I talked to myself a lot! It may sound stupid but I told myself that I allowed myself enough sad time for no good reason with somebody I thought I could help, but realized I couldn't do anything for him anymore without killing myself ( not literally ) in process. I am definitely more important than him to myself and my children so I chose myself to save!

I won't change my mind because I want myself healthy and I can't be healthy with him!

it's just basically that I choose me! I will survive and stride to be better than ever to push myself to stay in the right direction of forward!

I thought there were the two of us that made a whole, but it's two wholes that make a healthy relationship. I am a whole healthy person, I want the same for myself in a man!

Rifka



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Rifka
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« Reply #15 on: September 21, 2014, 12:41:09 AM »

Me and my xwife have a child, but I have restricted contact to text messages unless phonecalls when strictly necessery.

This is much more effective than I could have ever imagined. In a text message there is no sweet-talk, no crying, no long pregnant silences... .

I realize now how impossible it was dealing with her face to face. We never got any talking done. It was always about non verbal communication, about how and when to talk, about how it made her feel when I had said something etc etc bla bla

Now it's just right to the point - send me a question and I will answer!

I did this with my ex for the first week and yes it was good to keep him away so that I could get some clarity back. He was trying to get me back and mr charmer in the messages and then mr crazy for a minute when I fought him and didn't see things his way and then he became mr charmer again. I felt like I was getting whiplash from his Jekyll Hyde texts. It really was not working

I would imagine that might work once boundaries are placed for strictly business only on the texts.

It doesn't work for him and his ex wife, because he still tries to take control and power from her.

My ex would not respect my request to n/c even after I told him I filed a stalking report. It was only when I reminded him that next contact would be a restraining order and even then he sent one last text that I did not respond to!

You are lucky it works for you and your ex.

I would guess most are not as lucky!
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« Reply #16 on: September 21, 2014, 02:51:24 AM »

It doesn't exactly "work" for my ex, because she calls me a lot but I don't answer. She thinks we don't have the contact we should have, but I think we have all the contact she csn handle (which is not much).

I'm quite sure me not answering the phone is something she is complaining about to her therapist for years to come, and she is probabply investigating the possibility of somehow *making* me answer. I know her and what happens when she doesn't get her way.

On the other she is not manipulative enough to call from different numbers and things like that.

I knew we would end up here. In june she broke up with me with me after 20 years in the most hurtful way possible. Said so horrible things I never wanted to talk to her again. Got her own apartment and demanded a 50/50 split custody (which I agreed on). Now she's sad and lonely and has taken up residency at her old grandma's house because she can't be alone with the girl. When it's my turn to have ghe girl my xwife texts and wants to talk to her because she misses her, which makes she girl sad and confused.

I have to make up lies that she can't talk right now or that she's gone off to sleep.

Perhaps I know both dr Jeckyll and mr Hyde far too well by now. I am not tempted the least bit to have her back, but every bit I let her into my life she starts to manipulate. She does that within seconds, I don't think examples are necesery. It's her unstable sense of self.

Living without that since june has been like having yourself back.

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« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2014, 04:45:03 AM »

I feel a physical sensation in my gut when I see he's txt me or sent something via a friend on Facebook. It's hurts but it's like a kind of yearning and i feel dread and relief all wrapped up. I agree its hope but it's getting easier I'm getting stronger. The other day I woke up and my first though wasn't about him and it was such a good feeling!
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« Reply #18 on: September 21, 2014, 05:12:37 AM »

Hi everyone

Great topic.

I too feel a mixture of yearning, anger, and dread. Also realise that I still love this man, (despite what horrible things he did to me).

And you know what, that unrequited love really sucks... .That's the biggest thing... Or maybe he does really love me, he did say so several times on the phone, how much he loved me, and didn't 'hate me'.

And rambled on about what a 'tragedy' it was that things didn't work out, and I left him etc. Then he went into his opinion mode again, him the absolute expert on everyone's life around me/us, (oh yea, you can just see the success he has in his own life, NOT  )

In his recent 2 contact attempts, (If I had kept ringing him at his requests, we would have ended up recycling again).

So I just stopped ringing him, and so far, its a month later, and he hasn't bothered calling me back again.

We split for good in March this year, and BP made 2 contacts, once in June, (filled with a hate filled closure rant from him) once in August, (fabricated a drama to get my attention) and he wanted me to talk to him each day for a week, until I just didn't call him back any more.

Listening to him was dragging me down, and I just thought, he thinks of me as a friend, right? Well, how is this benefitting me?

I am being expected to be his audience/counsellor again.

YUK

And I feel like my progress took another backwards dive since being in contact with him, now nothing. His family asks if I have heard from him, then inform me he is telling them he is 'staying with friends', that's what he used to tell everyone when he lived at my place, (so he likely has found another woman to con/parasite off).

He actually told me on the phone, that he didn't feel we had anything in common (like we used to when I was poor and he sponged off me more) since I went into business , since I have money and he doesn't.

Funny, he always told me it was all about the money to me, and how I wanted his, (choke, like getting blood from a stone).

Apologies guys, I could go on forever but I wont.
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« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2014, 07:11:55 AM »

Thank you Rifka. I know only walking now. It's better than her poison but it's dull. The Exodus started with lots of fanfare and anticipation but about 5 years in they must have been pretty bored as well.
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Rifka
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« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2014, 09:46:08 AM »

It doesn't exactly "work" for my ex, because she calls me a lot but I don't answer. She thinks we don't have the contact we should have, but I think we have all the contact she csn handle (which is not much).

I'm quite sure me not answering the phone is something she is complaining about to her therapist for years to come, and she is probabply investigating the possibility of somehow *making* me answer. I know her and what happens when she doesn't get her way.

On the other she is not manipulative enough to call from different numbers and things like that.

I knew we would end up here. In june she broke up with me with me after 20 years in the most hurtful way possible. Said so horrible things I never wanted to talk to her again. Got her own apartment and demanded a 50/50 split custody (which I agreed on). Now she's sad and lonely and has taken up residency at her old grandma's house because she can't be alone with the girl. When it's my turn to have ghe girl my xwife texts and wants to talk to her because she misses her, which makes she girl sad and confused.

I have to make up lies that she can't talk right now or that she's gone off to sleep.

Perhaps I know both dr Jeckyll and mr Hyde far too well by now. I am not tempted the least bit to have her back, but every bit I let her into my life she starts to manipulate. She does that within seconds, I don't think examples are necesery. It's her unstable sense of self.

Living without that since june has been like having yourself back.

Good morning,

It sounds like you have great boundaries that are dug nice and deep and you stick to! I applaud you because I'm sure it is very hard on your end.

She does sound like she is forever trying to manipulates and that you don't give in.

I could imagine that being so exhausting.

I feel great hearing that you have you back, because that is exactly what I feel.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SHARE HOW YOU MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY WERE ABLE TO PUT UP AND KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES SO PROTECTED ON THIS THREAD? 

I THINK IT MIGHT HELP SOME OTHERS HERE TO FIND THEMSELVES AND THEIR BOUNDRIES AS WELL.

Thank you

Keep strong, keep empowering yourself.

Rifka
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« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2014, 10:03:09 AM »

Without HOPE we're done. Hope is:

HEARING that small voice inside us telling us we can make it (God or higher power)

Being OPEN to the possibility of believing again (don't let your past define your future)

Participating in the PROCESS of healing (no isolation; get moving; take action; support group)

EXPECT your future to be better than your past

After a nearly 28 year r/s I still have HOPE. It may be small but I'm working on it.

Yes this is a great plan!

Hope is the light that can guide everybody through this mess.

Determination is also very important as is being selfish and strong about insisting on your boundaries.

Realizing that you are so very lovable and will love and be loved again is important to know as well.

Look how much we loved/love this fantasy person, we all have so much love. Look how much they loved the mirrored us, THAT WAS US!   We are very lovable, kind and giving.

Who would not want us, we are compassionate, kind, good people who will stick around through thick and thin ( when it is real)

Look how many want to stay and wait when the ex is already moved on,

Honestly I personally don't understand why anybody would give anybody else so much power after reading and understanding everything here, but it is still a fact, many would go in for another round of touture to have a few minutes of pleasure.

That really does say a lot about how badly self esteem needs to be worked on by many here.

It's a fact, not judgement. We are all adults!

Confidence and self esteem and self respect are things that might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

The words might have hurt to bring everybody where they are, BUT THEY WERE LIES TO MAKE YOU ALL WEAK AND CONTROLLABLE!

They were not the truth for you to believe.


Rifka

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« Reply #22 on: September 21, 2014, 10:07:55 AM »

I think it is we made a soulmate bond so the 2 became 1. And when they leave we do not feel whole. The thing is we are whole.  We are 1. Yet we feel the division between the ego and the source as 2 seperated by an ocean of pain. So now the ego must sink down to the source to become 1 again.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

Now it's like cleaning up after the storm. What's left? What's real? What next?

You are left, you are real, moving on and making yourself healthy and being happy with you is next!
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« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2014, 10:25:32 AM »

Now it's like cleaning up after the storm. What's left? What's real? What next?

Reminds me of a line from a song by Antony and the Johnsons and forgive me for any possible lack of relevance.

"God visits all lost souls to survey the damage"
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« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2014, 10:43:20 AM »

Now it's like cleaning up after the storm. What's left? What's real? What next?

Reminds me of a line from a song by Antony and the Johnsons and forgive me for any possible lack of relevance.

"God visits all lost souls to survey the damage"

I personally am not a believer in a god like image that comes to save us. I feel we are in charge of us, I do believe in spirituality and know something does tell us things. Whether we listen or not is another issue,  but whatever helps anybody heal, works for me.

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« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2014, 10:57:29 AM »

Then he went into his opinion mode again, him the absolute expert on everyone's life around me/us, (oh yea, you can just see the success he has in his own life, NOT  )

Ha, my ex would always go into this mode! It was the worst. And of course the conclusions she would draw would always be absolutely self-serving. 

Anyway, I'm on Day 2 of "NC for me"! And I'm following what I think of as the "Rifka plan"--every day I delete some other thing from our relationship. Today I got rid of all the old voice mails-- even the really nice ones that I thought I'd never delete! Now my phone is officially a BPD free zone. I want to keep it that way.
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hergestridge
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« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2014, 11:08:47 AM »

It doesn't exactly "work" for my ex, because she calls me a lot but I don't answer. She thinks we don't have the contact we should have, but I think we have all the contact she csn handle (which is not much).

I'm quite sure me not answering the phone is something she is complaining about to her therapist for years to come, and she is probabply investigating the possibility of somehow *making* me answer. I know her and what happens when she doesn't get her way.

On the other she is not manipulative enough to call from different numbers and things like that.

I knew we would end up here. In june she broke up with me with me after 20 years in the most hurtful way possible. Said so horrible things I never wanted to talk to her again. Got her own apartment and demanded a 50/50 split custody (which I agreed on). Now she's sad and lonely and has taken up residency at her old grandma's house because she can't be alone with the girl. When it's my turn to have ghe girl my xwife texts and wants to talk to her because she misses her, which makes she girl sad and confused.

I have to make up lies that she can't talk right now or that she's gone off to sleep.

Perhaps I know both dr Jeckyll and mr Hyde far too well by now. I am not tempted the least bit to have her back, but every bit I let her into my life she starts to manipulate. She does that within seconds, I don't think examples are necesery. It's her unstable sense of self.

Living without that since june has been like having yourself back.

Good morning,

It sounds like you have great boundaries that are dug nice and deep and you stick to! I applaud you because I'm sure it is very hard on your end.

She does sound like she is forever trying to manipulates and that you don't give in.

I could imagine that being so exhausting.

I feel great hearing that you have you back, because that is exactly what I feel.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO SHARE HOW YOU MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY WERE ABLE TO PUT UP AND KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES SO PROTECTED ON THIS THREAD? 

I THINK IT MIGHT HELP SOME OTHERS HERE TO FIND THEMSELVES AND THEIR BOUNDRIES AS WELL.

Thank you

Keep strong, keep empowering yourself.

Rifka

I suppose I am "luckier" than some other people here (if there is such a thing as "lucky" in the position we're in), because for the last two years me and my wife were together she barely showed her "good" side at all. I was no longer under the illusion that it was all going to go back to being nice and cosy again.

I had read up some on the subject on BPD and read and posted on this forum quite a lot during the last year. It became apparent to me that I had been together with a mentally ill person for many years, that I had been suffering *a lot* from that and that it didn't look like she was going to get much better any time soon.

I prepared for the break-up for a long time, considering issues like custody and financial situation. I had conversations with myself where I put my wife down from her piedestal, establishing once and for all that *I* was not she the crazy one. She was.

I had conversations with myself about my daughter and her needs. I decided to put the needs of my daughter first, before the needs of my wife.

Of course my thought that I neglected her and refused to compromise, so she left me. And in a way she was right.

But had a compromised and listened to my wife, I would have lived in the FOG and my daughter would have spent all her time at home, being shouted at by my wife who couldn't control her temper.

What happened was that two years before my left me, she cheated on me. To my knowledge, it was the first time it happened. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do (I didn't know about BPD at the time). Then I sort of handed the ball over the my wife - "Show me you love me then!". And the only thing I got back was MORE of the push/pull and over the top behavior. It was if she expected me to shower her with MORE love for what she had done.

In reality I started to leave her already back in 2012, which is why I am no longer in the FOG so much when it finally ended.

The process of de-glorifying my wife and revaluate myself has been quite difficult, but it has been the key to come to where I am today. It has been a lonely journey, because whoever you talk about it with (especially when you're a man), they think you're just trying to explain away your own part in- and trying to over-psychologize an ordinary domestic conflict.

Still, even if I am not in the FOG so much any longer, I have a restricted policy that I intend to keep. Letting my xwife into my life means trouble.

Before I know it she has taken one step more than I am confortable with, and asking her to step back means *war*. That's just how she works. Been there before.

Of course, hearing her voice or meeting her in person still makes me uncomfortable. I become uncomfortable, because there is this "We have to talk"/threat-factor. She means trouble. On the other she was my lover and we were in bed together just a few months ago, and it was great.

But most of all, I see a person that is ill.
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Rifka
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« Reply #27 on: September 21, 2014, 11:21:50 AM »

Then he went into his opinion mode again, him the absolute expert on everyone's life around me/us, (oh yea, you can just see the success he has in his own life, NOT  )

Ha, my ex would always go into this mode! It was the worst. And of course the conclusions she would draw would always be absolutely self-serving. 

Anyway, I'm on Day 2 of "NC for me"! And I'm following what I think of as the "Rifka plan"--every day I delete some other thing from our relationship. Today I got rid of all the old voice mails-- even the really nice ones that I thought I'd never delete! Now my phone is officially a BPD free zone. I want to keep it that way.

KC, that is so very funny (the Rifka plan) whatever works!

That is so fantastic! I am so very proud of you!

How do you feel about it?

Welcome to day two! I decided after one month, I'm not counting anymore, I am so past all the him stuff.

I just want the knowledge now about the disorder so that I can possibly start a free, live domestic abuse of any relationship type venting meetup!

A place like this where people come together, vent and then move forward together and start living again. I think a 30 second vent from each person, a group discussion for 15 or so minutes and then, bury it and have a fun time together! I'm working on it!

Hugs to you, you're doing great! I see progress in the right direction!
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Rifka
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« Reply #28 on: September 21, 2014, 11:31:54 AM »

I suppose I am "luckier" than some other people here (if there is such a thing as "lucky" in the position we're in), because for the last two years me and my wife were together she barely showed her "good" side at all. I was no longer under the illusion that it was all going to go back to being nice and cosy again.

I had read up some on the subject on BPD and read and posted on this forum quite a lot during the last year. It became apparent to me that I had been together with a mentally ill person for many years, that I had been suffering *a lot* from that and that it didn't look like she was going to get much better any time soon.

I prepared for the break-up for a long time, considering issues like custody and financial situation. I had conversations with myself where I put my wife down from her piedestal, establishing once and for all that *I* was not she the crazy one. She was.

I had conversations with myself about my daughter and her needs. I decided to put the needs of my daughter first, before the needs of my wife.

Of course my thought that I neglected her and refused to compromise, so she left me. And in a way she was right.

But had a compromised and listened to my wife, I would have lived in the FOG and my daughter would have spent all her time at home, being shouted at by my wife who couldn't control her temper.

What happened was that two years before my left me, she cheated on me. To my knowledge, it was the first time it happened. I was devastated and I didn't know what to do (I didn't know about BPD at the time). Then I sort of handed the ball over the my wife - "Show me you love me then!". And the only thing I got back was MORE of the push/pull and over the top behavior. It was if she expected me to shower her with MORE love for what she had done.

In reality I started to leave her already back in 2012, which is why I am no longer in the FOG so much when it finally ended.

The process of de-glorifying my wife and revaluate myself has been quite difficult, but it has been the key to come to where I am today. It has been a lonely journey, because whoever you talk about it with (especially when you're a man), they think you're just trying to explain away your own part in- and trying to over-psychologize an ordinary domestic conflict.

Still, even if I am not in the FOG so much any longer, I have a restricted policy that I intend to keep. Letting my xwife into my life means trouble.

Before I know it she has taken one step more than I am confortable with, and asking her to step back means *war*. That's just how she works. Been there before.

Of course, hearing her voice or meeting her in person still makes me uncomfortable. I become uncomfortable, because there is this "We have to talk"/threat-factor. She means trouble. On the other she was my lover and we were in bed together just a few months ago, and it was great.

But most of all, I see a person that is ill.

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Thank you for sharing that!

It seems to be working for you, so that is all that matters!

How did you feel after being intimate again a few months ago?

I know that could never happen with us, unless I was will to start the abuse all over again for myself! (Which I am not! ) I will never forget the excruciating pain that I felt after the pleasure. I will not allow that to happen again! It's way too high a price for myself.
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Rifka
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« Reply #29 on: September 21, 2014, 11:35:10 AM »

Hergestridge,

Sorry I tried to copy your post but it left out your name. I am a bit, quite a bit tech challenged. My apologies.

It came out looking like I posted it. Sorry!  Thank you for your story!

Rifka
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