Projective identification

[Depression = 72% of members]

Man I use to be just like you! Until I put the pieces together. She literally chased me until I give in. She did the nastiest sex acts to me I've ever experienced in my life. In fact she liked it so much before she disappeared she wanted me one last time and she wanted pics afterwards .  And what am i left with? Over 60 videos of her . It's the fact that I look at like that, that gets me thru it man. She even washed my clothes that day when she left while I was at work. So guess what? If she left me for another guy then that guy had to know a real man was there just hours before him. Plus she stalked me afterwards . Again the new guy is already in for it. Look at the bright side. She probably give you wild sex right? Just say to yourself well that toy got old but at least it was fun while it lasted.

[hurting300]

Man I use to be just like you! Until I put the pieces together. She literally chased me until I give in. She did the nastiest sex acts to me I've ever experienced in my life. In fact she liked it so much before she disappeared she wanted me one last time and she wanted pics afterwards .  And what am i left with? Over 60 videos of her . It's the fact that I look at like that, that gets me thru it man. She even washed my clothes that day when she left while I was at work. So guess what? If she left me for another guy then that guy had to know a real man was there just hours before him. Plus she stalked me afterwards . Again the new guy is already in for it. Look at the bright side. She probably give you wild sex right? Just say to yourself well that toy got old but at least it was fun while it lasted.

[freedom33]

BPD = Maneater

[Blimblam]

WHat is comes down to is they play roles that trigger us on a subconscious level.  They can literally pull out archetypes from deep within us breath them full of life then control them like puppets.

Look up the standford prison experiment on YouTube.  When people identify with the roles we assume we become trapped.  The thing is sometimes the choices are not the ones we thing we are making and we are being manipulated.  The borderline is a master manipulator they can through projective identification reach into your unconcious pull out an archetype mold it like clay and watch you live through it. 

The level of power this is on is sort of beyond our perceptions of how things are. They are not even fully aware of how or why and it pains them.  It is like they are possessed by an entity that grew out of corruption and can now reach into the depths of another person and control them.  The borderline is not even happy about this.  The disorder is an extra dimensional being.  If we can grasp this concept then we can start to see what happened beyond our simple view of reality.

[tim_tom]

Look at the bright side. She probably give you wild sex right? Just say to yourself well that toy got old but at least it was fun while it lasted.

Nah, her form of sexuality was dressing extremely provocatively ... Tiny bikinis... see through outfits with no bra ... loves to be topless and nude in public

In the bedroom, she was pretty much a dud. Always thought to myself, no wonder so many guys have cheated on her. The only times she was really fun was when really drunk , but that wasn't often... .her impulsive behaviors were extreme over spending/shopping

[blissful_camper]

My therapist and I spoke about this.  I could definitely see / feel it with my ex.

To put it very, very, very simply, the pwBPD needs you to feel how they feel.  It's not just "This is how I feel and I'm going to project this via words onto you," it's "I want you to feel about yourself the way that I feel about myself, so I'm going to say or do whatever I have to in order to make you feel about yourself the way that I do about me."  It goes beyond simple projection in that it kind of blurs the line between one and two. 

     

Bingo!  Thanks for this.  That's exactly what I experienced. 

[hurting300]

Once I opened mine up to new things she picked up on it. She was good.

[tim_tom]

I have been thinking about this thread a lot. I was thinking about it in terms of the whole issue of blame for the relationships failure.

My conscious mind can reflect and understand both of our roles in the failing of the relationship, although I'd argue she was the impetus...

My emotional core is screaming... it's all your fault! it's all your fault! Creating a kind of  cognitive dissonance and almost paralyzing my ability to process/ heal and making me feel generally unhinged

The thing is, she is feeling the same thing at her emotional core that I am now. But rather then process it, and understand/accept her role in it like an emotionally balanced person. It's dumped in my lap as 100% my fault, by actions, body gestures, facial expressions and language...  either creating my subconscious blame to begin with, or at the very least increasing it exponentially...

I am feeling what she feels, in a way she's not willing or able to feel it cause she has spent years building the defense mechanisms for this type of thing. I do not own such mechanisms and forced to suffer, like a child

Great thread, and really helping me intellectualize it. While I have my ups and downs, I do know that conscious thought can impact subconscious reactions

[Blimblam]

I have been thinking about this thread a lot. I was thinking about it in terms of the whole issue of blame for the relationships failure.

My conscious mind can reflect and understand both of our roles in the failing of the relationship, although I'd argue she was the impetus...

My emotional core is screaming... it's all your fault! it's all your fault! Creating a kind of  cognitive dissonance and almost paralyzing my ability to process/ heal and making me feel generally unhinged

The thing is, she is feeling the same thing at her emotional core that I am now. But rather then process it, and understand/accept her role in it like an emotionally balanced person. It's dumped in my lap as 100% my fault, by actions, body gestures, facial expressions and language...  either creating my subconscious blame to begin with, or at the very least increasing it exponentially...

I am feeling what she feels, in a way she's not willing or able to feel it cause she has spent years building the defense mechanisms for this type of thing. I do not own such mechanisms and forced to suffer, like a child

Great thread, and really helping me intellectualize it. While I have my ups and downs, I do know that conscious thought can impact subconscious reactions

Yes this and she has found new sources to project a new identity into her.

[hurting300]

But the identity she is projecting is yours...

[tim_tom]

But the identity she is projecting is yours...

isn't it a two way street? I don't believe that the BPD has no identity, i think their identity is moored in self hate, guilt and shame. They mirror others to attempt to replace that, but it doesn't stick cause it can't

[Blimblam]

But the identity she is projecting is yours...

isn't it a two way street? I don't believe that the BPD has no identity, i think their identity is moored in self hate, guilt and shame. They mirror others to attempt to replace that, but it doesn't stick cause it can't

I believe their true identity to be a terrified 3 year old.

Everything else is bits and pieces they have picked up from identifying with the projections of former attachments.

[hurting300]

Good observation blime blam

[tim_tom]

I believe their true identity to be a terrified 3 year old.

Everything else is bits and pieces they have picked up from identifying with the projections of former attachments.

Sure, but I buy into the whole self hate thing as well. It's why she couldn't ever be criticized or thought to have done anything wrong by anyone, no matter how minor they were in her life. Why she always thought people hated her and obsessed about it. Why she always told me "you hate me" (from what I understand that is textbook BPD for feelign that she hates herself). Why even the mention of therapy would send her into a rage ":)ON"T CALL ME CRAZY! I AM NOT CRAZY", why she obsessed about her looks and dressed provocatively to get male attention and the accompanying ego boost. Why she demanded constant compliments and reassurance that she was <list w/e good trait is in play>

Maybe that's all insecurity, but it seems to me there is something more going on there

[Blimblam]

Schema therapy breaks it down pretty well.  There is the detached protector, the angry impulsive child, the abandoned child, and the punitive parent.

They cycle through these different schemas.

They are all aspects of her personality.

We arnt perfect either we have our own schemas also.

It's just in the borderline they are like completely seperate characters interacting with each other and we get assigned a role in ther own internal drama. 

I fell in love with the abandoned child.

At a certain point most likely the borderline was neglected or abused and the disorder came along to protect her like an invisible friend.

Does this excuse the abuse we recieved? No

But it may help to depersonalize it and have compassion through understanding.

Healing from this is difficult and the grudge and bitterness  is a role the disorder created for us to corrupt us.