Can anyone else shed some light on this...

[thereishope]

uBPDh has actually been putting in some serious effort... .  So in the last week I have gone from planning an almost definite exit... .to having a hard time feeling justified leaving... .

I also have other issues I'm dealing with, including this marriage being the result of breaking apart my first marriage... .Needless to say I have a lot of guilt, shame, and a feeling that I want to "correct things" down deep inside... .Not sure what that even means, just that it exists inside me.  I'm a Christian so I do believe that I've asked for forgiveness for my wrong actions, and that God has forgiven me... .But after the pain of this BPD r/s, I believe I see a lot more realistically how destructive my decisions and actions were to everyone else... .and I'm having a hard time living in my own skin.  There is something inside me "not settling" here.  I don't know how to describe it... .I just don't have peace. 

Is there anyone else who has ever dealt with anything like this?  I'm tired of feeling like I have a big problem with no label for it, and not knowing the solution for it... .

[Mutt]

uBPDh has actually been putting in some serious effort... . 

I'm sorry thereishope   This has to be tough with feeling shame and guilt. Is it perhaps because he is putting efforts that it triggers these feelings?

What are your needs thereishope? You are split white.

He likely feels the abandonment coming, what he fears most and will do whatever it takes not to be "abandoned".

[thereishope]

uBPDh has actually been putting in some serious effort... . 

I'm sorry thereishope   This has to be tough with feeling shame and guilt.

Is it perhaps because he is putting efforts that it triggers these feelings?

What are your needs thereishope? You are split white. He likely feels the abandonment coming. 

I have never experienced anything so horrible or confusing in my life... .I feel like I "made my own bed", so to speak, and now I'm in it... .I doubt even my own feelings now... .I "love" him... .but what does that even mean?  The love we have shared has been filled with so much "stuff"... .and everything in the past few years are kind of just clumped into a large ball of ? that I don't even know what to do with.  I feel like I SHOULD BE ABLE TO accept that we are both imperfect, and we are both trying (he really has been trying to curb some BPD stuff), and find peace in this.  Instead I find that this r/s brings out the worst of me in a lot of ways... .I have become weak, insecure, question a lot of things... .almost like now I am mirroring some of the insanities of BPD... .when in the beginning I was somewhat of a "rock", firm, sure, striving hard after God and good and hope... .which slowly got widdled away to here where I can one minute be determined to get out and get healthy, and then almost forget all of that to be "trying again" this week because I see some definite effort in uBPDh... .Sorry this sounds like a crazy mess... .I guess it truly is.    One thing seems consistent... .something that feels like a strong lack of peace beneath the surface.

Overall what I "need" is to be whole, healthy, strong spiritually, mentally and physically for my kids... .whom I want to take out into the world and serve others with to find/live/and train my kids up in REAL Christianity (which seems kind of scarce)... .I have yet to find a T, but I think it might help me to think through some of these things if I did... .

[Indyan]

I don't know whether that's in connection with what you describe but I've been wondering a lot about forgiveness.

I mean, I used to believe that when I loved someone it would be forever. And I did until now. I did separate  from my D10's dad, but I can still say I deeply care for him, even if I don't feel in love with him.

But here... .

There's been so much betrayal, criticism, and pain inflicted to me by my BPDbf, that I find myself incapable of loving him and trusting him anymore.

And I wonder whether it means I'm not able to forgive anymore. And whether forgiving and giving another "chance" would be a strength or a weakness.

[Mutt]

Don't apologize for saying you sound like a crazy mess. I felt the same way. Divorce is tough. The hardest thing I went through.

I struggled with what marriage meant with religion and God. I took my vows seriously, through sickness and in health, through the good and the bad. I was dealing with a difficult disorder and a person that is not self aware and can't identify for now that she has an issue.

I became a different man. Depressed, angry and hopeless. I did my best. I put my needs and welfare on the backburner. I don't think that God wanted me to suffer. I had to look after myself, to reclaim my health, my spirit for the kids. I became stronger for them. I had to save myself for the kids. To show them a different and healthier way, a healthy dad a protective one to help and guide them through a difficult and painful disorder.

[thereishope]

I don't know whether that's in connection with what you describe but I've been wondering a lot about forgiveness.

I mean, I used to believe that when I loved someone it would be forever. And I did until now. I did separate  from my D10's dad, but I can still say I deeply care for him, even if I don't feel in love with him.

But here... .

There's been so much betrayal, criticism, and pain inflicted to me by my BPDbf, that I find myself incapable of loving him and trusting him anymore.

And I wonder whether it means I'm not able to forgive anymore. And whether forgiving and giving another "chance" would be a strength or a weakness.

This makes sense, Indyan.  I too, feel as though the pain that has been inflicted has somehow damaged what I used to be, and damaged "us".  I'm not sure if it's lack of forgiveness or simply just an acknowledgment that I just don't feel the same as I used to about him/us.  I feel like BPD has really taught me about us, and about myself.  On a positive note, it has brought to my attention some of my own faults that I can now address, and hopefully become a more authentic, and overall better person.  Right this second I feel weaker, but I hope and trust that I will become healthier, and stronger as I figure out how to deal with this stuff and heal and grow from it... .

I wish you all the best with your situation!  Thanks for responding!

[thereishope]

. And whether forgiving and giving another "chance" would be a strength or a weakness.

I can relate with these feelings too... .  I think somewhere inside I do feel like staying here is a weakness not a strength... .maybe because of all the other factors I'm not feeling a strength and a peace with this being "doing the right thing".  Still praying for clarity in it all... .

[Blimblam]

Trust what he showed you. 

He has the disorder it is who he is. Good and bad.

We wanted to see ourselves as special as the exception to behavior we saw them display with others.

The good we saw was our projection onto them that they identified with.

It takes time for the dog to clear.

[thereishope]

Don't apologize for saying you sound like a crazy mess. I felt the same way. Divorce is tough. The hardest thing I went through.

I struggled with what marriage meant with religion and God. I took my vows seriously, through sickness and in health, through the good and the bad. I was dealing with a difficult disorder and a person that is not self aware and can't identify for now that she has an issue.

I became a different man. Depressed, angry and hopeless. I did my best. I put my needs and welfare on the backburner. I don't think that God wanted me to suffer. I had to look after myself, to reclaim my health, my spirit for the kids. I became stronger for them. I had to save myself for the kids. To show them a different and healthier way, a healthy dad a protective one to help and guide them through a difficult and painful disorder.

I have to admit that one thing that has made this decision (to stay or leave) more difficult than it was in the first place... .is my kids (from previous marriage thank God)... .For a long while, they "hated" my new uBPDh, in spite of him doing much to provide for them and make sure they have what they need/want, etc... .So before I knew what BPD was, and I recycled a few times (including the time he threw knives at me across the kitchen which was  really the only thing that was outwardly violent), my kids thought I was nuts and were mad at me for recycling... .There stance was "why on earth would anyone go back to that?"... .NOW, on the other hand, we have been here almost a year, and he has done a pretty significant job at melting their hearts and giving them good things, so in spite of some gruff speaking times, they think he's pretty ok... .Unfortunately, I have been damaged from when the BPD was full-force... .So now, when I speak of possibly leaving, they are taking it like "mom is just hatching another crazy plan, like when she left our dad (a church-going narcissist) in the first place"... .my teen daughter (who has a few BPD characteristics    even said, "I stopped trusting that you know what's best anymore"... .So this really really has taken the wind out of my sails of pushing through to find a healthy, whole place for me and my kids, although beneath the surface, that passionate drive to do so still exists... .It makes me wonder... .is THIS the healthy best place for us to be and I'm the one who is wrong... .like everyone is ok with it but me?  I just am "in this" completely on my own... .my parents are very supportive but are sick of hearing about this situation because they can't really help tangibly... .We all know this is between me and God... .

[thereishope]

Trust what he showed you. 

He has the disorder it is who he is. Good and bad.

We wanted to see ourselves as special as the exception to behavior we saw them display with others.

The good we saw was our projection onto them that they identified with.

It takes time for the dog to clear.

Thanks, blimblam. 

I want a leaf blower or something so I could blow all this FOG away NOW! 

[Indyan]

Yes, my D10 has enough too.

I told her today that he was "calming down a bit" and willing to see T on Monday. She said "yeah, he said so but he might not go.He'll say he wants to marry you and then will go back to saying he doesn't love you anymore... .". I asked "So you don't trust him anymore do you", she said "NO!".

When I met him 2 years ago, my D was still pure and naive about love and relationships. All this has damaged her vision of all this.

Poor kid, these days I can see she's so much into playing the "perfect family" with her Barbie dolls and it breaks my heart when I see how shattered her family his: her daddy with his GF on one side / a lonely mum with her little baby brother and herself, and a stepdad going nuts and who has decided to live again with his parents.

:'(

[tim_tom]

Yes, my D10 has enough too.

I told her today that he was "calming down a bit" and willing to see T on Monday. She said "yeah, he said so but he might not go.He'll say he wants to marry you and then will go back to saying he doesn't love you anymore... .". I asked "So you don't trust him anymore do you", she said "NO!".

When I met him 2 years ago, my D was still pure and naive about love and relationships. All this has damaged her vision of all this.

Poor kid, these days I can see she's so much into playing the "perfect family" with her Barbie dolls and it breaks my heart when I see how shattered her family his: her daddy with his GF on one side / a lonely mum with her little baby brother and herself, and a stepdad going nuts and who has decided to live again with his parents.

:'(

I have the same thing going on, my 7 year old still thinks she talks to my exBPD. 2 years ago thier mother moved out, 1 year later BPD moved in and 1 year after that, she left without so much as a goodbye or warning.

The guilt you feel as a parent is the worst of all.

[Mutt]

I understand thereishope My heart goes out to you. It's incredibly difficult when you feel isolated - your not getting support from family and friends.

I felt like I burnt out family and friends. They truly didn't understand the acting out that wasn't in public. I was getting advice and it would help when both adults are healthy.

It's interpreting something that they don't understand and applying reason and logic. I would be invalidated and blamed like your D and told "well you must of done something" I looked like the dysfunctional one.

I had wanted to stay together as a family. To protect the children, but the acting out, fights and the environment was worse for the kids. I realized I can have a better environment with the kids in two homes. I can be a father and raise them in an emotionally healthier environment. The silver lining I didn't see at the time because I was in the FOG and in pain. I can be at peace away from the chaos and nurture the kids.

Members on this board understand because we were behind those closed doors. In the frontlines with a mentally ill SO.

Listen to your intuition as difficult as it is with the invalidating input from people that mean well. It may seem like you're isolated, when can't see the forest for the trees. Ask god for guidance and listen to that voice - your intuition.

May god bless you,

-Mutt

[thereishope]

I understand thereishope My heart goes out to you. It's incredibly difficult when you feel isolated - your not getting support from family and friends.

I felt like I burnt out family and friends. They truly didn't understand the acting out that wasn't in public. I was getting advice and it would help when both adults are healthy.

It's interpreting something that they don't understand and applying reason and logic. I would be invalidated and blamed like your D and told "well you must of done something" I looked like the dysfunctional one.

I had wanted to stay together as a family. To protect the children, but the acting out, fights and the environment was worse for the kids. I realized I can have a better environment with the kids in two homes. I can be a father and raise them in an emotionally healthier environment. The silver lining I didn't see at the time because I was in the FOG and in pain. I can be at peace away from the chaos and nurture the kids.

Members on this board understand because we were behind those closed doors. In the frontlines with a mentally ill SO.

Listen to your intuition as difficult as it is with the invalidating input from people that mean well. It may seem like you're isolated, when can't see the forest for the trees. Ask god for guidance and listen to that voice - your intuition.

May god bless you,

-Mutt

How did you get to the point of accepting what your intuition/conscience was telling you and actually act on it?  The guilt I feel for even thinking of taking off without looking back is immense... .Not sure how much FOG exists but he really has seemed to make efforts to be less bad to me, etc... .and this is what hurts the most.

[Mutt]

My situation is different. I knew nothing about BPD at the time. I read SWOE after and said 4 words you should never say to a borderline "I want a divorce" It triggered her fear of abandonment. I was split black, she found another attachment through mutual family friends. She had an affair with him, moved out and he moved in with her. Having said that it was different feelings, betrayal trauma, anger and guilt that maybe she was right I'm not a good person or husband.

I understand the guilt but for myself how much is projected guilt? What is mine and what belongs to others?

The first step is the hardest.

You know him better than anyone on these boards. If you think he's changed and you can make it work either way. In the end it is your decision.

My intuition was always there. I ignored it. I don't ignore it after having been out of the FOG. I trust myself and my intuition. I don't let others distort how I interpret reality. I like Waverider's quote "Reality is open to debate. Feelings and emotions are real"

[thereishope]

My situation is different. I knew nothing about BPD at the time. I read SWOE after and said 4 words you should never say to a borderline "I want a divorce" It triggered her fear of abandonment. I was split black, she found another attachment through mutual family friends. She had an affair with him, moved out and he moved in with her. Having said that it was different feelings, betrayal trauma, anger and guilt that maybe she was right I'm not a good person or husband.

I understand the guilt but for myself how much is projected guilt? What is mine and what belongs to others?

The first step is the hardest.

You know him better than anyone on these boards. If you think he's changed and you can make it work either way. In the end it is your decision.

My intuition was always there. I ignored it. I don't ignore it after having been out of the FOG. I trust myself and my intuition. I don't let others distort how I interpret reality. I like Waverider's quote "Reality is open to debate. Feelings and emotions are real"

I'm sorry you got hurt the way you did... .  I'm not sure if I think it would be better if he left me or if I left him... .All of it stinks... .

I like Waverider's quote too.  Thanks for sharing.