She got mad at him, for holding my son,...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I unfortunately had to see my brother and his BPD wife, this past weekend at a family function. We've been NC for almost an entire year. Since it was held at a family members house, it was a little hard to avoid being near them. We didn't speak but at one point I noticed my brother watching my son (who he hasn't seen for a year, since he was an infant) run about the yard and play with the other kids. I saw the absolute sadness in his face that he's missed all the important stages in his life. Now, he's not just a baby, he's a toddler, he has a personality, he's more interactive.

At one point, my mom brought my son in the house with her. I looked through the window and saw my brother holding him. I admit it kind of pissed me off. Why should he get to enjoy my son without having to speak to me or my husband. At the same time though, I felt like, good, let him hold him. Let him see what he's missing (for no good reason). These are the sacrifices he is making for his wife's disorder. I really didn't want to watch because it was making me too upset so I decided to gather my sons toys and put them in the car so they weren't left behind. As I made my way from the car back to the yard, I heard the front door open. I looked up and it was my brother. I couldn't see who he was talking to but I heard him in a panicky voice asking, "what's the matter?", "what do you need me to do?" Etc etc. I finally realized it was his wife.

I later learned from some family members who observed it, that his wife stormed out of the house. On the way out, she tapped him on the shoulder, with an angry face and told him to go outside. She was mad that he was holding my son! The next day he and her went back to the house that the party was held at because my brother left his sunglasses there. Her guilty conscience must have kicked in and she told my aunt that she ran out of the house because she "felt sick" (she's now pregnant). Everyone else who saw her knew what was really going on so she fabricated a cover story once she realized how ridiculous she must've looked being mad at him for holding a baby.

I can't imagine being in my brothers shoes. He looked exhausted that day and torn between the lively, happy guy he used to be and the quiet serious robot he now must be. The mam he chose to be. We've been through many back and forth debates about him "not being allowed to speak to me". He always tells me "BPD wife and I are grown adults and no one allows or disallows me to do anything.". He doesn't realize that while she may not specifically be saying, "husband, you cannot hold your nephew!" Her over the top, dramatic reactions are what's stopping him from living the life he wants to live.

I know it's his life, I know it's his choices, I know there's nothing I can do to change it but that doesn't change the fact that it's very hard to sit back and watch my brother be completely destroyed by this person. The brother I once knew has completely vanished. Since the day he has met her, it was like he was in this trance, completely brainwashed. He has let go of everything he once loved. All of his hobbies, his friends and even his family. All I can do is sit here and watch. It sucks.

We've had a few run-ins like this over the course of the last year. My mom and I have tried to reach out to him every time, afterwards but we couldn't get through to him. Ever since I've found this site, I learned that there's no words I can say to help him out of the fog. So now it's just silence. I have nothing to say to him anymore. I can't be there. I don't want her thinking she even effects me even though it's killing me inside, I refuse to give her more fuel. Maybe my silence will effect him more. I don't know. Either way, I'm thankful I found this site. It has helped me realize that there's nothing I can do. It hurts to know this but it is what it is.

[Youcantfoolme]

I unfortunately had to see my brother and his BPD wife, this past weekend at a family function. We've been NC for almost an entire year. Since it was held at a family members house, it was a little hard to avoid being near them. We didn't speak but at one point I noticed my brother watching my son (who he hasn't seen for a year, since he was an infant) run about the yard and play with the other kids. I saw the absolute sadness in his face that he's missed all the important stages in his life. Now, he's not just a baby, he's a toddler, he has a personality, he's more interactive.

At one point, my mom brought my son in the house with her. I looked through the window and saw my brother holding him. I admit it kind of pissed me off. Why should he get to enjoy my son without having to speak to me or my husband. At the same time though, I felt like, good, let him hold him. Let him see what he's missing (for no good reason). These are the sacrifices he is making for his wife's disorder. I really didn't want to watch because it was making me too upset so I decided to gather my sons toys and put them in the car so they weren't left behind. As I made my way from the car back to the yard, I heard the front door open. I looked up and it was my brother. I couldn't see who he was talking to but I heard him in a panicky voice asking, "what's the matter?", "what do you need me to do?" Etc etc. I finally realized it was his wife.

I later learned from some family members who observed it, that his wife stormed out of the house. On the way out, she tapped him on the shoulder, with an angry face and told him to go outside. She was mad that he was holding my son! The next day he and her went back to the house that the party was held at because my brother left his sunglasses there. Her guilty conscience must have kicked in and she told my aunt that she ran out of the house because she "felt sick" (she's now pregnant). Everyone else who saw her knew what was really going on so she fabricated a cover story once she realized how ridiculous she must've looked being mad at him for holding a baby.

I can't imagine being in my brothers shoes. He looked exhausted that day and torn between the lively, happy guy he used to be and the quiet serious robot he now must be. The mam he chose to be. We've been through many back and forth debates about him "not being allowed to speak to me". He always tells me "BPD wife and I are grown adults and no one allows or disallows me to do anything.". He doesn't realize that while she may not specifically be saying, "husband, you cannot hold your nephew!" Her over the top, dramatic reactions are what's stopping him from living the life he wants to live.

I know it's his life, I know it's his choices, I know there's nothing I can do to change it but that doesn't change the fact that it's very hard to sit back and watch my brother be completely destroyed by this person. The brother I once knew has completely vanished. Since the day he has met her, it was like he was in this trance, completely brainwashed. He has let go of everything he once loved. All of his hobbies, his friends and even his family. All I can do is sit here and watch. It sucks.

We've had a few run-ins like this over the course of the last year. My mom and I have tried to reach out to him every time, afterwards but we couldn't get through to him. Ever since I've found this site, I learned that there's no words I can say to help him out of the fog. So now it's just silence. I have nothing to say to him anymore. I can't be there. I don't want her thinking she even effects me even though it's killing me inside, I refuse to give her more fuel. Maybe my silence will effect him more. I don't know. Either way, I'm thankful I found this site. It has helped me realize that there's nothing I can do. It hurts to know this but it is what it is.

[clljhns]

Hi Youcantfoolme,

I responded to another of your posts, but after reading this post, I have a clearer picture of the relationship between you and brother. I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain as a result of the situation with brother and sister-in-law.

I can empathize with your dilemma as I grieved over not having my nephews near me to dote on and love. Does your brother talk with mom? From the other post, you stated that you and brother had a conversation in which he came to the realization that his wife is probably a BPD. So, I was wondering if your brother continues to talk with mom, even if it is just updates on daily life? Is there a possibility that you could open the lines of communication with brother?

Your post's seem as if you are in a place of hopelessness, and I want you to know that you are not alone in your pain. Many of us here have gone through what you are and can offer support and advice.

Please keep posting.

Peace and blessings.