uNPD Stepfather has Leukemia

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All, it's been a while since I've been on here. I've been feeling a lot better these days in large part due to the support I've received on this forum. Connecting with others who seem to have lived my life along with me has been my great saviour. I was having really rough times this time last year and I thank you all for being here for me.

So, my mother is uBPD and her long term partner I believe has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I'm not sure he truly is a narcissist, but it's a convenient way to sum up his general behaviour and attitude. He's not a completely uncaring person, at least to me. He has been with my mother since I was about 8 or so, my younger brother was about 4. From the get go he hated my little brother, for which I've never forgiven him. I mean who hates a four year old. There were a lot of lectures in our childhood, name calling, emotional abuse. He's just not someone I've ever been able to feel close to, even though he's calmed and mellowed in his old age and become very warm to me - I could never forget what he's done to my brother.

He was just diagnosed with terminal leukemia and is literally on his deathbed. I contemplated visiting him in the hospital about a month ago but didn't, as I said I just don't feel close to him in any way. I haven't been sad or upset really, only sad for my mother as they are only in their 60's and I'm sure they thought they would have more time together. She considers him her "soul mate" (yes because soul mates abuse your children, right?). This term makes my skin crawl but I understand that is real to her, so I really do feel sad for her loss.

So she just wrote me a detailed email this morning that broke my heart, about him trying to come home and realizing he needed to go back to the hospital, and that they are going to cut off his oxygen etc. any time he gives the go-ahead, and that will be it. It was just too detailed and would break anybody's heart. So my first reaction was that I should go see him, say goodbye, maybe tell him that I understand he only did his best and didn't mean to hurt any of us. But I don't know if that's truly how I feel.

I'm just feeling really mixed up. I know a part of my mother is reveling in the tragedy of it all, and she wrote the email thinking only of herself and not at all how what she said might affect me. She knows how I feel about him and why. There's been no reconciliation between him and my brother, who has been severely affected in his life by how he was treated as a child. My brother cannot function in life, partly due to mental illness but also I believe in very large part due to how he was treated. On the other hand death is forever, and I don't want to regret not making things right. I don't know if he's asked to see me, my mother might not tell me if he had because she doesn't want to guilt me into a relationship with him (a topic that has come up between us before). He's never apologized for how he treated my brother, only given excuses, the worst of which was that he was able to "sense the crazy" when my brother was 4 (he didn't show any symptoms of mental illness until his teen years). This was said about a year ago and made me so enraged. Anyway just looking for any thoughts or advice you all may have. Thank you.

[cleotokos]

Hi All, it's been a while since I've been on here. I've been feeling a lot better these days in large part due to the support I've received on this forum. Connecting with others who seem to have lived my life along with me has been my great saviour. I was having really rough times this time last year and I thank you all for being here for me.

So, my mother is uBPD and her long term partner I believe has a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I'm not sure he truly is a narcissist, but it's a convenient way to sum up his general behaviour and attitude. He's not a completely uncaring person, at least to me. He has been with my mother since I was about 8 or so, my younger brother was about 4. From the get go he hated my little brother, for which I've never forgiven him. I mean who hates a four year old. There were a lot of lectures in our childhood, name calling, emotional abuse. He's just not someone I've ever been able to feel close to, even though he's calmed and mellowed in his old age and become very warm to me - I could never forget what he's done to my brother.

He was just diagnosed with terminal leukemia and is literally on his deathbed. I contemplated visiting him in the hospital about a month ago but didn't, as I said I just don't feel close to him in any way. I haven't been sad or upset really, only sad for my mother as they are only in their 60's and I'm sure they thought they would have more time together. She considers him her "soul mate" (yes because soul mates abuse your children, right?). This term makes my skin crawl but I understand that is real to her, so I really do feel sad for her loss.

So she just wrote me a detailed email this morning that broke my heart, about him trying to come home and realizing he needed to go back to the hospital, and that they are going to cut off his oxygen etc. any time he gives the go-ahead, and that will be it. It was just too detailed and would break anybody's heart. So my first reaction was that I should go see him, say goodbye, maybe tell him that I understand he only did his best and didn't mean to hurt any of us. But I don't know if that's truly how I feel.

I'm just feeling really mixed up. I know a part of my mother is reveling in the tragedy of it all, and she wrote the email thinking only of herself and not at all how what she said might affect me. She knows how I feel about him and why. There's been no reconciliation between him and my brother, who has been severely affected in his life by how he was treated as a child. My brother cannot function in life, partly due to mental illness but also I believe in very large part due to how he was treated. On the other hand death is forever, and I don't want to regret not making things right. I don't know if he's asked to see me, my mother might not tell me if he had because she doesn't want to guilt me into a relationship with him (a topic that has come up between us before). He's never apologized for how he treated my brother, only given excuses, the worst of which was that he was able to "sense the crazy" when my brother was 4 (he didn't show any symptoms of mental illness until his teen years). This was said about a year ago and made me so enraged. Anyway just looking for any thoughts or advice you all may have. Thank you.

[Harri]

Hi cleotokos.  I don't have advice though I wish I did.  I would love to make your path easier if I could.  It must be hard to wonder what your brothers life would be like if not for the abuse.  I imagine the wondering must make the hurt that much more intense and forgiving your stepfather so much more difficult if not impossible.  The one suggestion I do have is to not focus on forgiveness or 'making peace' with him.  Rather, focus on being true to yourself and following a path that allows you to honor your own values. 

Listen to what is in your heart for you to do so you can be okay with this.  Try to listen without hearing the chatter about your step father or mother or brother.  Just you.  You might decide to stay away and that's okay.  You might want to go visit and tell him very directly that you do not forgive him.  You might even choose to sit with him and your mom until he has passed.  Do what is in your heart and do what is right for you.  At this point, you are the important one here. 

I had a similar experience and had to make similar choices when my mom was dying.  I consider myself lucky that she passed very quickly.  My mom was my primary BPD and we had quite a few battles to say the least.  I was in limited contact with her and the rest of my family.  When I got the call from my father that she was very ill and in the hospital I was torn.  I had already reached a sort of wary peace and acceptance with her, I just was not sure I liked her enough to be present while she was ill.  I did not know at the time that that signaled her last 3 to 4 days though.  I did go to the hospital to be there so that I would have peace with myself later on in my life.  I did not want to look back and regret not being there.  I knew I would be okay visiting her and helping to support my brother and father so in that sense my decision was easy.  We had to make choices like surgery or not, ventilator or not, etc.  At each step I had to sort of step away from my remaining hurt and anger and try to be in the moment.  Staying in the moment is what got me through the tough decisions and then as we sat there waiting for her to die as they turned of all the machines, it allowed me to know what to say to her.  I said nothing about forgiveness or anything like that.  I just let her know it was okay to go.  I did say well done, but I was referring to her passing so quickly to be honest.  I don't tell many people I said that as most just won't understand.  I think my brother and SIL thought I meant she did well in life, and thats okay.  I was not vague to mislead, it is just the way it came out. 

You may want to think about writing a letter to him.  A friend of mine did that when her father passed and she buried it with him.  Another friend wrote a letter and then we gathered together and had wine and beer and watched it burn.

Just listen to your heart.  There is no wrong thing to do here.

Holding you close.   

[cleotokos]

Harri, thank you so much for your response. I love the idea of writing something. I think if I go to see him, it will be something I would be doing for his benefit and not mine. My mother explained to him some years ago why I did not want to have a relationship with him, and she said he cried. I realize that he did not perceive the situation the same way that I did - coming from an abusive family himself, I'm sure he thought this was a fairly normal way to treat children, and probably significantly better than his FOO treated him. I feel badly for him that he doesn't really understand. I have the urge to make him feel better in his dying days. I don't know why. My mother gave me a lot of guilt about this type of thing growing up, and always pushed me to sacrifice my needs for others (usually her). So I think that's part of where this comes from.

I just don't want to feel like a cruel person. You would think that growing up with someone since the age of 8 there would be some connection. But there isn't much there. In some ways he's a good person, he just made a terrible stepfather.

[Harri]

I just don't want to feel like a cruel person. You would think that growing up with someone since the age of 8 there would be some connection. But there isn't much there. In some ways he's a good person, he just made a terrible stepfather.

Cleotokos, no matter what you decide, you are not a cruel person for doing what is right for you.  I also understand the lack of a real connection.  I had a similar feeling with my father.  It sounds like you felt and still feel close to your brother so to see your stepfather be mean to him especially such a little guy, it is understandable that you would not feel a connection.  I was the youngest of two so I don't know how it feels to have a younger sibling around but I would imagine it would be similar to how I feel about my brother and how protective I still am about him.  Though maybe as the oldest the protectiveness is even more intense.  Especially if you watched him struggle with his illness.  That must have been heartbreaking.  

Maybe consider writing the letter now and then see how you feel.  You may feel just fine about your decision to not see him.  Or you may find that it is better for *you* if you do go, even if it is for a short while.  It's about whatever works for you.  You can't really know how you will feel later on so it is even more important that you follow what is in your heart to do now and accept that.

Take good care.  

[Kwamina]

Hello cleotokos

Been a long time indeed but I still remember you

I just read this thread about your sick stepfather. I can definitely see why you would have very mixed feelings considering the way he treated your brother and the effects this has had on your brother. How are things now with your stepfather? Did you write him a letter as suggested to you by Harri?

And how have you and your brother been dealing with this situation?