So for he past few months me and exBPDbf friend have been getting on really well, this would all make better sense if i wrote up the back ground of it all but will when i get chance. So me and his friend we've known eachother not so well in two years but few months ago got talking as he was bored one night so he was just messaging loads of people and messaged me as he had my number from Facebook and before you know it, hes coming around my place talking, having a laugh and we're going out places as we both don't have many friends, we both feel isolated and share the same interests. We just get on and have a connection but not in that way, we haven't done anything, we are just good mates, plus i get on with guys so much better.
we have had deep conversations about exBPDbf at the start i thought what is his game?, they are both supposed to be "bros" and hes saying all this stuff about exBPDbf but now i know its true though exBPDbf keeps denying it. BPD doesn't know that we hang out and that, maybe we are betraying him? but who can help if two people get on, so much of a crime. Meh!
!
Basically he's been telling me what exBPD gets up to and whats going off in his head, apparently he still loves his ex, doesn't love me in that way anymore (which i knew anyway), his had intercourse with one of his girl mates (who i know, shes engaged, she and her partner are having intercourse with people fetish thing) this was while we were together, he had oral sex with a girl while we was on "trial separation", when he's on a night out he wants to pull every girl going but can't because he knows his fat and ugly (his words not mine), he wanted a trial separation so he could pull other girls, he's always trying to think of ways to no see me, he's always insulting and slagging me off behind my back, thinks i'm obsessed with him, brought a pen with a spy camera on so he can go in naughty bars and film them, when us three went to a festival he would not stop looking at the gypsies and going on about them, He shuns the people he knows that are more mature than him to maintain his pride, he's on a fetish website, he only meets up with me and stays in contact with me because it "keeps me happy" he knows if he don't it would destroy me and "apparently" i would stop him seeing our daughter and it would harm that which it wouldn't because i'm not a cow. He text a girl after a night out and she didn't reply back as he opened his heart out to her :S, hes on dating websites to find other girls (BPD told me his on it to meet new friends as his sick of his "old friends" cause here always working and BPD is a very sociable person, supply?). I apparently ruined his birthday night out and his "new supply" of friends he's met recently wanted to start something and smack me one Painted me real black i guess.
Now when i confront exBPDbf about all this without him finding out about me and his friend he tells me - we are compatible, we have a deep connection and that deep down i'm everything he wants in a woman the problem is he doesn't feel that spark of love or lust for me or for anyone else for that matter in hat way, its like there's a block he just cant do it, he can fall in love anymore, he cant do relationships since all the stuff happened with his ex cheating on him and his granddad dying at the same time. He sometimes feels sparks of love for me bu only lasts a few hours and he knows this isn't right and hates himself for it. He says its a messed up situation. He said the only way to get passed all this is when he gets better but he don't know how long that will take that's the problem. He said hes not interested in other girls, some have chatted him up but hes not interested. He told me he doesn't love his ex, shes not in his life, shes scum, he doesn't think about her, he hates her etc...
I told him i need to get out his life he contradicted he first said "ok if it will help you, anything to make you feel better inside then few mins later texts me "i don't want you out of my life AND I DONT WANT ANOHER WOMAN"
Now did BPD say all this because he meant it? fear of abandonment/rejection? or is it because he fears he'll lose his daughter if he shuts me out completely? Who am i meant to believe? What am i meant to do with all this information his friend has told me sweep it under the carpet, let it go like nothing has happened? Its driving me insane to the point where i don't wanna carry on. The BPD he tells me about isn't the BPD i know but have proof that he is on the fetish sites, dating websites and watching his behavior the last few months has opened my eyes to it but still have that part which thinks he's only saying it because hell i don't know?
I love BPD so much, gawd where do i start with that, i won' bore you with it right now, known about this for months and i forgive him, is like i don't care what he does to me i'll always forgive him, i know we are not together, BPD has a right to see other girls and that but hell just be freakn' honest with me and don't do stuff to just "make me happy", it just brings pain more. I get nervous when i meet BPD, my anxiety goes through the roof and when i'm with him he makes me feel so degraded but its like i get a kick out of it, its the only time i "feel" an emotion as i suffer with BPD aswell. I'm so weak right now after two years of abuse trying to get therapy but just get told there's lack of funds and resources with mental health, i'm under a consultant but he's useless, guess there's just no hope for me. How can he look me in the eye with knowing hes done all this to me? Is he even human?
Hey I know we are not being totally honest with him either so who am i to say all this when but arghhhh!
