What do you think the most injurious part of a BPD relationship is?

[Deeno02]

I wish she would ask to get back with me. Im lost with out my BPDgf and her kids. I dont think she even remembers me. She moved on day after dumping me. Almost 4 weeks now, NC for 5 day's.  I have zero hope left. Really wonder why all this happened and how they just move on without a care.

[fred6]

Really wonder why all this happened and how they just move on without a care.

Because they can't love people the way you and I love people. When they get too close to someone the freak out, go ape$hit and can't handle being vulnerable, even if it's to someone that truly cares about them... .

[Deeno02]

Yeah, then get blamed for not caring or loving them.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I could deal with the mood swings.  I learned to accept aversion to touch and sex.  The part that left a hole in my soul was the way she walked away from me.  I felt like I had sacruficed and learned to accept so much from her.  In the end her way of repaying that level of commitment and devotion was to give me two weeks of silent treatment, quit eating for two weeks and then finally tell me she hated me and everything about me.  That shook me up.  I poured my entire being into that unfortunate ill girl.  

My damage will heal.  It has much already.  Sadly she will just do this all over again with the new guy.

[Caredverymuch]

She picked my scabs and rubbed vinegar all over my wounds even ones that I didn't know I had. Shaming, blaming, abandoning, controlling, withholding, denying, lying, manipulating, abusing, namecalling, object throwing, degrading... .

I paid my dues in full to the opposite sex for whatever karmic debt my male ancestors have passed down to me. I have done my time. I think my rs has served as a sort of emotional weakness immunisation. I  feel that there is little that can hurt me in the next relatioship. And I am ready to walk away if I have to.  No deal is a form of a deal nowdays. I am wearing bearskin.

Freedom, very well stated. I feel as you do.

[fred6]

Sadly she will just do this all over again with the new guy.

Yes RS, it's the saddest part of this whole thing. Watching someone you care about not care about themselves. Well at least not in a healthy and respectful way. A while back I wanted to call the new supply and tell him what he was in for. Let him know that when this and that happens, just call me and I'll tell you what's going to happen next, hahaha. We should make a website that lists BPDs . Kind of like the anti-dating site with profiles and pictures of BPDs by name, city, and state. I only say that because I really kind of feel sorry for the replacements. Remember, at one point we were the replacements. Now look at us, ... .

[outside9x]

I shouldn't be doing this I guess bring up awful stuff.  They twist the truth and blame you like or make you out to be some kinda of ego maniac like, "I forgot you are so in love with yourself, and want me to behave as you want me to!

Oh I shouldn't let that get to me, but I do and I think the reason is because I want to know it not because I want to be back in some stupid way which is crazy.  They want to drag you in and they will not read or listen to your retorts.  They are far above that.  It like pulling the wings off a butterfly, they enjoy it.  I let them. 

WE should just ignore them, it's well thought out retorts they read in self help book.

[Deeno02]

I pray god she doesnt contact me ever again. Wouldnt be able to handle it... .

[caughtnreleased]

for me it's losing yourself in someone who is completely lost... .so losing yourself and then getting tossed.

[freedom33]

Watching someone you care about not care about themselves. Well at least not in a healthy and respectful way.

My friends could have said and did say that about me too when I was in a rs with her. Not caring about myself and caring more about her.

Maybe that's why BPD/NPD rs works somehow. At least one person - the NPD - cares only about themselves. There is at least a really strong self (albeit false of the NPD) that can hold it all together.

[Loveofhislife]

For my own issues that I need to work on, the Silent Treatment and the abandonment (his rapture?) have been the most injurious.  However, looking back, what I ruminate about over and over again is, "HOW DID I MISS THIS?"  I continue to beat myself up.  I learned he was a pwBPD; I knew about his past; the relationship was tumultuous and unhealthy for me.  Yet, HE was the one who ended it (I think, but I don't know because he just disappeared and went ST). Anyway, over and over again in my mind, I remember his near "worship" of me--he could not be without me--he would go on long distance car rides just to be close to me--he asked my opinion on everything; we talked about everything; we were together nearly every waking moment--if not physically together; we were on text or talk.  HE WAS MY SHADOW.  So while I read so many threads where everybody misses the sex or the idealization or... .I JUST MISS HIM (or is it the function of a security blanket I clung to until I was 8 years old when it was accidentally thrown away)? I am grieving the loss of my shadow.

[Nomad1027]

For my own issues that I need to work on, the Silent Treatment and the abandonment (his rapture?) have been the most injurious.  However, looking back, what I ruminate about over and over again is, "HOW DID I MISS THIS?"  I continue to beat myself up.  I learned he was a pwBPD; I knew about his past; the relationship was tumultuous and unhealthy for me.  Yet, HE was the one who ended it (I think, but I don't know because he just disappeared and went ST). Anyway, over and over again in my mind, I remember his near "worship" of me--he could not be without me--he would go on long distance car rides just to be close to me--he asked my opinion on everything; we talked about everything; we were together nearly every waking moment--if not physically together; we were on text or talk.  HE WAS MY SHADOW.  So while I read so many threads where everybody misses the sex or the idealization or... .I JUST MISS HIM (or is it the function of a security blanket I clung to until I was 8 years old when it was accidentally thrown away)? I am grieving the loss of my shadow.

Oh Loveofhislife!  I understand your grief.  I have been there.

My UxBPDgf and I were in a long distance relationship for 2 years.  We travelled back and forth regularly, but it was not like living in the same city.  But we were constantly in touch.  Text messaging, phone calls, social media began first thing in the morning and continued until bed time.  I checked my bills and we were sending about 600 messages back and forth, every day for nearly two years!  We called each other on our rides to and from work.  We had ongoing discussion on social media about our different posts.  We may not have been in the same place geographically, but we were constantly "together".

Like you, I do not miss the sex (although when we were together it was great and constant).  I do not miss the idealization.  I miss my companion, my friend, my lover, my partner.  I miss constantly communicating with her about anything and everything.  Her sudden and confusing departure really left a huge gap in my day-to-day, hour-to-hour life.

She is gone now and with someone else and I have come to accept that we will never again have what had back then.  I too am grieving her "ghost".  It has gotten better over the last couple of months, but there are still moments during the day when I wish I could reach out to her and just share.

[Duped11years]

Loveofhislife, Im probably one of those that have stated I miss the sex and idealization of her. But like you and Nomad1027 state, I did miss HER! Imagine 11 years of starting off the day talking, calling each other throughout the day, whatever we were doing, if it was a free moment, we called each other, and texting continually in between.  My strength at the moment is based on clearing the fog on just what those constant calls turned into; opportunities for her to find jealousy in & accuse me for nearly everything I did, to tell me how worthless my wife is (I swear, 50-75% of our 'air time' consisted of this), gaslighting, displaying her hypocritical perspective as to what she can state/discuss w/me & how I cant ever have the same type of discussion, & then my expressing ANY sort of feelings was always responded to with an attack. 

So what Im left with is missing what I thought she really was to me; The most perfect woman in every way... and the amazing sex. So try stepping back & recall what those daily contact points eventually became. If they were like mine, that would help removing one important part of the painful process of breaking free.  Good luck and stay strong, I have been there very recently, & since this is a rollercoaster ride, I could be there again. These forums & constant research have helped...  

[Mutt]

This is a worthwhile topic and it has reached it's post limit. You are welcome to create a new thread or topic. Thank you.