Is a sense of superiority simply a bad defense mechanism?

[caughtnreleased]

I am slowly starting to understand myself better, and identify some behaviours that I think, while they may have helped me with a uPBD mom, they are in fact making me isolated from healthy people.

Anytime that my uBPD mom, or BPDex tried to make me jealous, my mind automatically went to my thinking that I am far superior from a) my sibling or b) whomever my BPDex is using in the moment.  When my BPDex replaced me, I didn't allow myself to feel jealousy, or insecure vis-a-vis the replacement... .I reminded myself of all my AMAZING qualities, and figured... ."his loss", even though I was terribly sad to lose him.  Same thing for my mother... .whenever she would idealize someone else, in my mind I would simply remind myself of all the flaws this person had, and keep on thinking what a great person I am.  I also never admitted to myself that I might be competing with anyone. I am superior so why on earth would I compete with someone who is inferior?

Here's the thing... .perhaps a certain form of competition is in fact ok.  Why not be inspired by others?  Copy things you think they are doing well?  Why not admit that maybe someone else has figured something out that I haven't yet?  I think this refusal of mine to put myself at the same level as these other people has actually caused me to isolate myself even more. 

I still have trouble accepting others who compete with me.  I need to try and accept it.  It's not all bad.  And also look at people and maybe see that they might have something that I don't have but would like, and learn from them to then go and get it.  I find this to be very difficult. Because for me jealousy = vulnerability.  It means admitting that someone else has what I want but don't have.  That they have succeeded more than I have.  But perhaps feeling jealousy is the first step to admitting that I want certain things.  Someone who is truly healthy won't use it against me, as has so often been done in my life.   Recently I have been lamenting the lack of mentors in my life.  I'm sure these kind of people are around me, it's just that I haven't allowed myself to see them as mentors, rather as people I am superior to... .so why would I want to copy them in any way?... .I am trying hard to look at people in a new light.  For so long, I only allowed myself to see other people's flaws.   I think I need to see their good sides.  Because everyone has them.

[claudiaduffy]

This sounds like good stuff, Caught. One of the pivotal moments in my life was as a senior in a music degree program, being confronted by my primary instructor mere weeks from my graduation with the words "You do not allow me to teach you. You do not allow anyone to teach you. You place yourself as the gate to all of your learning and refuse to actually be a student."

... .she was right. And it was a defense mechanism I'd developed in my home; as long as I could hold myself superior to my parents' weakness in abusing me, the abuse didn't have to affect me so badly. But it took a loong time to even begin to undo the tendency after my instructor called me on it. I still struggle with this daily.

[heartandwhole]

Such wisdom in this thread. Thank you caughtandreleased and claudiaduffy for the very helpful reminders!

I still have trouble accepting others who compete with me.  I need to try and accept it.  It's not all bad.  And also look at people and maybe see that they might have something that I don't have but would like, and learn from them to then go and get it.  I find this to be very difficult. Because for me jealousy = vulnerability.  It means admitting that someone else has what I want but don't have.  That they have succeeded more than I have.  But perhaps feeling jealousy is the first step to admitting that I want certain things.  Someone who is truly healthy won't use it against me, as has so often been done in my life.   Recently I have been lamenting the lack of mentors in my life.  I'm sure these kind of people are around me, it's just that I haven't allowed myself to see them as mentors, rather as people I am superior to... .so why would I want to copy them in any way?... .I am trying hard to look at people in a new light.  For so long, I only allowed myself to see other people's flaws.   I think I need to see their good sides.  Because everyone has them.

I think you are really onto something here, caught. The "I know better" mind can be a closed mind, and it sounds like you want to open up to learning more about yourself and other people. That's a huge win in my book. I'm not sure if I feel superior to people, but I can relate very much to a lot of what you wrote.

As claudiaduffy mentioned, staying open to being taught requires some vulnerability and a feeling of loss of control.  That can be a real challenge for those of us who learned to take control in chaotic environments. Is there someone you feel might be a good candidate for a mentor whom you could approach, as a kind of practice for you to reach out and try out the 'learning' position?

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi caught, a couple of things:

The word 'compete' comes from the Latin word competere, which means to conspire with, strive together, meet, come together, agree.  It's a realization that healthy competition brings out the best in everyone, and in that light it's a win-win situation instead of win-lose, since everyone gets better regardless of who 'wins'.  The only way to lose is not do your best, in which case you beat yourself, and when we do do our best, 'losing' is OK because we know we gave it our all, and we learn a thing or two that will make us more competitive next time.

Sometimes we are legitimately superior to someone else in some area, so those feelings of superiority are appropriate, although it's what we do with it that matters; acting superior to someone will drive them away or cause them to attack, while focusing on the connection instead of the significance will draw us closer.  And then there's the compensation superiority, where we're feeling inferior, so we overcompensate by feeling or acting superior, which is a false self and a defense mechanism.  It depends on the person, but leveling with someone you want to be close to, that you feel inferior, could draw you closer; vulnerability is amazing like that.  Of course some people won't be receptive, and we don't need those people in our lives anyway.

My two cents... .

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks for the great advice.  Heartandwhole, yes I most recently started to look around me and realized a lot of my friends were competing with me in unhealthy ways and were unable to help me in times of need. I decided I really lacked a role model in my life, and I am now on the lookout for someone new that I would like to have as a mentor... .maybe someone that I see has qualities which I would like to aspire to. 

I think for a while I just refused to admit to myself that I was competing... .and when it came to men, yes if I saw any woman around who might try to compete... .well I would simply pretend like I never even noticed and remove myself from the equation, but would feel a lot of pain.  I think this comes from my own upbringing, and an ex boyfriend who manipulated me by constantly, CONSTANTLY having women around him and dismissing any of my questions, or unhappiness about his having them around... .all the time.  It was a real mind F--K... .a lot of gaslighting, and I think it marked me a great deal... .so any kind of competition around men, for me is a red flag.   As soon as there were signs of other women with my BPDex, I also removed myself from the equation.  Perhaps it was healthy, but perhaps a better way would have been for me to discuss it with him.  who knows. 

Heel, I really like what you say: "Acting superior to someone will drive them away or cause them to attack".  I have frequently felt attacked, and I am trying to figure this out in a situation I am currently experiencing in a martial arts class.  There is a very cute guy in there whom I had a really, REALLY big crush on, who was extremely flirtatious, etc... .He also flirted with another girl in the class, and I think she really liked it... .even though she had a boyfriend.  This girl started the course at the same time as me, and I feel her being really competitive with me, in terms of making friends in the class, as well as developing skills in this martial art.  My personal opinion of her is that she seems to have some big time histrionic traits, and I find her uninteresting and shallow, and kind of lame that I feel she is trying to one up me in terms of getting integrated into the class... .so I'm not really interested in a) getting to know her or b)competing with her, and yet I feel her competing constantly.  Anyway, a while ago, the cute guy came home with me after a heavy night of drinking, where he then revealed his true colors and turned into a GIANT DOUCHEBAG... .WOA! as he has a girlfriend.  I was and am still totally uninterested, and rather repulsed with this guy, and don't want to have much to do with him.  I've gotten to a point where I kind of feel neutral about him actually... .he's there, that's it. Still, every so often, he still tries to get my attention... .obviously he's got some ego stuff happenning, but the histrionic girl notices and then showers this guy with her attention, assuming feline-like behaviour with him, generally when they are both positioned close to me, to make sure I notice... .I don't react... .really, I don't care, except that I find it a little nauseating what they are doing... .because it looks like flirting just to provoke me, and she acts like a cat who wants to get pet... .  I don't like either of these people, I don't want to compete... .but they seem to just want to draw me in. Or do I have flawed thinking about it? I'm just not sure what these two people want from me. Because I want nothing from them. This has been going on for a loonnnnnng time... .when are they gonna drop it?

Also, I think I am confused because of all my past issues with competition.  Having read all your responses, I agree, that yes, sometimes competing can be really satisfying, and fullfilling.  But when do you identify unhealthy triangulation, where competition will just be hurtful, vs true competing where it might enhance connection.   I mean... .should I compete with my sister?  I suppose I can, but not to win my uBPD mother's inexistant approval, but rather to push my own self further... .I guess I can compete with histrionic cat girl in trying to get better at the martial art, and meeting more people in the group who are not douchebags... .?  I can compete with my replacement with my BPDex, to be more content in my life... .and get a better boyfriend and relationship... .hahaha   Is it perhaps that healthy competition is basically striving to improve yourself and your life, as opposed to striving to gain someone elses approval?

[fromheeltoheal]

The thought of two girls having a cat fight in a martial arts class is a pretty great visual caught, but don't mind me, just being male.

I dunno, guess you'd have to be there, but my first impression is the girl thinks you're gorgeous and she's intimidated by you, so she's trying extra hard to either win the guy or gain your respect and friendship, or both.  And the guy?  Who knows, in love with himself, in love with you, in lust with you, feeling rejected and trying to make you jealous with cat woman.  I'm in my 50's and I don't miss that drama at all, I was never very good at it, and today it's a lot easier: I can tell by the look in a woman's eye if she's attracted to me or not, and if she is and I like what I see I ask her out, and then it's a matter of us finding out who we each are.  I'm having fun with it right now, but there's the woman I will die holding hands with when we're in our 90's out there somewhere, maybe I'll meet her tomorrow... .

Is it perhaps that healthy competition is basically striving to improve yourself and your life, as opposed to striving to gain someone elses approval?

In healthy competition you want your competitor to do well, to do their best, and you still want to win, so do they.  And of course the healthier someone is the less they care what someone else thinks, and the more committed they are to being themselves, and whoever approves, approves.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks Heal.  I think that in a lot of these situation the people with whom I'm competing (or refusing to compete with), I feel that if I actually do well, a lot of these people will become miserable.  Ie: if I succeed in life, and all aspects of it, well, my mother will paint me white, and it feels like my sister (who has now essentially lived her life to please my mother), will hate me.  There actually was a time where I was really successful in my life, and my sister was in the pits and she took it all out on me... .Sometimes, when there are people who are doing really well in life, much better than you, you tend to not want to be around them because it makes you feel bad about yourself.  Well, I feel like this would happen with my sister, and with some friends as well, which is perhaps why I also have not competed either.

I now wonder if my labelling and dismissal of cat girl and douche bag guy, is also a way for me to hold myself at a distance from them by feeling superior.  Is this healthy because they are not healthy people?  Do I need to protect myself from them?  I just don't know what other approach to have with them.  I will admit, that the douchebag guy misread me probably as someone who was up for having a bunch of fun... .and everything blew up in his face in such a big way... .but he has never expressed any remorse for what happenned. He still tries to engage with me... .anyway... .it's a strange situation that I'm involved with and I have no doubt that I must be doing something to keep it going... .and there's a way to change the situation, but I'm not really sure what to do. Of course, I only see them once a week for a brief amount of time, and so am not that bothered by it, but am interested in using this situation to learn something about myself and the dynamics around me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Reading your post I thought about the needs for significance and connection.  We all have needs for both, a desire to feel unique, significant in some way, and a desire to feel connected to people, to love people.  The challenge is they oppose one another: the more significant we feel and act, the less connected we are to people, and the more connected we are, the less significance or uniqueness we feel.  So it boils down to what we prioritize.  If we value connection as more important, like we might with close friends who care about us, we want each other to do well, but not so enough that it creates distance between us.  You might have experienced that, I know I have, and it lends credence to the saying 'you are who you hang out with.'  It's also common, happens all the time among men at least, when we first meet we will compete with each other, until we find something in common, even if it's a common enemy, and start to coordinate.  If that doesn't happen, we part ways.

but am interested in using this situation to learn something about myself and the dynamics around me.

I'm doing that a lot lately too, and kudos to us!  I've been experimenting with life lately, since the world seems brand new after the borderline spin cycle I survived, and it's been important to take the new me out into the world, practice setting and maintaining boundaries, practice staying present and aware of what's going on, looking for reciprocation from people when I express some vulnerability, and noticing who cares about me and who doesn't.  It's nice to be able to do that with new people in a brand new world, and stay emotional detached enough to notice what I'm getting without getting caught up in it.  Maybe I'm growing up.  And you've got stuff going on with you family too, I'm pretty fed up with all of the old patterns in mine, and have enjoyed realizing those relationships are optional, and friends are the family we choose for ourselves.

My two cents; take care of you!