Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 18, 2021, 07:08:06 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Do BPD's Crave Clinginess?  (Read 7017 times)
Algae
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« on: October 01, 2014, 01:12:46 AM »

Basic question...

Do people with BPD crave a clingy partner who basically talks to them ALL day, EVERYday, and hangs out ALLDAY EVERYDAY?  Or is that something that would set them off into boredom and devaluation?

Because from what I've seen... they crave attention, and if they feel like they aren't being talked to enough, they usually start pulling away?  I've also heard that people with BPD get tired of seeing the person they idolize everyday.

Senario: If I had a job with long hours, and had a pwBPD... how would that affect her?   

All opinions welcome
Logged
MrFox
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 214


« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2014, 01:20:55 AM »

Yes. No.  Like so many things with BPD there really is no correct answer.  They fear abandonment as well as engulfment.  Too clingy seems to set them off as much as not clingy enough. Think of it like walking a tight rope that is constantly moving.  Some days they want more space, other days they want to be smothered.  Basically, a pwBPD want a perfect partner who will read their minds and constantly shift their behavior in accordance with what the pwBPD mood is.  Least that what it seems like in my opinion.
Logged
Algae
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2014, 02:46:01 AM »

Yes. No.  Like so many things with BPD there really is no correct answer.  They fear abandonment as well as engulfment.  Too clingy seems to set them off as much as not clingy enough. Think of it like walking a tight rope that is constantly moving.  Some days they want more space, other days they want to be smothered.  Basically, a pwBPD want a perfect partner who will read their minds and constantly shift their behavior in accordance with what the pwBPD mood is.  Least that what it seems like in my opinion.

True.  I was just curious because it seemed that I was conflicted when I was in a relationship with a BPDgf.

If I texted too little during her Idolization phase, then she'd slowly distance herself from me... but only after freaking out saying, " I MISS YOU :C! WHERE ARE YOU?"

And If I texted too much, then her idolization phase would drop FAST, and every conversation I had with her would be started by me... and the only way to get her to really talk was if it was about her.

I was conflicted thinking, how the hell do I balance this out.  Or thinking about which pushes BPD's away more... talking too much or too little.  Idk.
Logged
Bak86
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 351



« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2014, 02:58:03 AM »

Yes. No.  Like so many things with BPD there really is no correct answer.  They fear abandonment as well as engulfment.  Too clingy seems to set them off as much as not clingy enough. Think of it like walking a tight rope that is constantly moving.  Some days they want more space, other days they want to be smothered.  Basically, a pwBPD want a perfect partner who will read their minds and constantly shift their behavior in accordance with what the pwBPD mood is.  Least that what it seems like in my opinion.

Pretty much. My ex always wanted attention bad, when i gave too much, she saw me as a weak person and she stressed out. She started distancing herself. When i got mad at her for doing that, she would need attention again. Rinse and repeat.
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2014, 08:45:45 AM »

Wow, just wow... .Totally had a light bulb moment. Those were her big issues. Dont spend enough time with her, I dont communicate enough, you dont treat me special, treat me special or you'll lose me... wow... . 
Logged
BlackHoleSun
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 81


« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2014, 09:00:52 AM »

No, being clingy is not good in any relationship, never mind one with someone who suffers from BPD! Being clingy triggers their feelings of engulfment and they end up feeling like they're being suffocated and need to get as far away from their partner as possible. In my experience, they can't stand being needed and view it as a sign of weakness.

Its all about their needs, on their terms. If they want affection and attention, you have to give it them... .or else. If they want space, you have to give it them... .or there'll be big trouble. They say jump, you have to say "how high?". Of course, if you do this then, they'll eventually resent the fact that they've become dependent on you. So basically, you can't win!

There's a diagram or whatever, outlining exactly this, somewhere on the web. On one side is ENGULFMENT/NARCISSISM on the other is ABANDONMENT/DEPENDENCY. They constantly switch between the two sides. "I need you, don't ever leave me" and "I don't need you! Go away!". BPD seems to be all about duality.
Logged
purpleavocado
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 87


« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2014, 10:22:23 AM »

Yes. No.  Like so many things with BPD there really is no correct answer.  They fear abandonment as well as engulfment.  Too clingy seems to set them off as much as not clingy enough. Think of it like walking a tight rope that is constantly moving.  Some days they want more space, other days they want to be smothered.  Basically, a pwBPD want a perfect partner who will read their minds and constantly shift their behavior in accordance with what the pwBPD mood is.  Least that what it seems like in my opinion.

Pretty much. My ex always wanted attention bad, when i gave too much, she saw me as a weak person and she stressed out. She started distancing herself. When i got mad at her for doing that, she would need attention again. Rinse and repeat.

I had the exact same experience. She was "no longer attracted to me" when I was "too needy," but when I did my own thing, "you must be cheating on me."
Logged
Hawk Ridge
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 303



« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2014, 11:27:54 AM »

Trying to keep up with the ever changing rules is crazy-making
Logged

MrFox
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 214


« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2014, 04:29:50 PM »

The book title "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" sums it up pretty well.
Logged
JRav59
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Apart 4 months
Posts: 75



« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2014, 05:08:51 PM »

That is totally how I felt in my last relationship. When she finally got me it was like trying to mind read. At first I thought seeing her every few days was enough. Nope, she wanted all of my attention. I became isolated and that's when the crazy set in.

The replacement is so insecure already about her their relationship. She feels the need to post photos of them together every 5 minutes. Like my ex needs to be claimed.  It's been very eye opening and incredibly humorous to me.
Logged
Algae
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2014, 05:36:29 PM »

That is totally how I felt in my last relationship. When she finally got me it was like trying to mind read. At first I thought seeing her every few days was enough. Nope, she wanted all of my attention. I became isolated and that's when the crazy set in.

The replacement is so insecure already about her their relationship. She feels the need to post photos of them together every 5 minutes. Like my ex needs to be claimed.  It's been very eye opening and incredibly humorous to me.

So your ex DID crave clinginess... .to a point where it pulls you away from your life, family, your freetime, priorities.  But if you give in then they walk away.

I can relate to your last paragraph.  They post pictures EVERY SECOND... and even though they have nothing in common.  They thumbs up eachothers stuff and tag eachother.  Theyre getting to a point though where they don't do that anymore though... .idk if thats a sign or not.
Logged
JRav59
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Apart 4 months
Posts: 75



« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2014, 05:50:21 PM »

There was more drama behind it. The replacement knew about me.  She also knew that I was the love of her life. The ex was very vocal about it to her circle in Singapore. Mutual friends have commented on how aloof and clingy she is. The need to let the ENTIRE world know they are together looks to me like claiming. It was a huge turnoff to my ex. She was always very vocal about it. My ex found out just recently that she has been completely blocked from me (email, fb and phone).  Yet we have over 100 mutual FB friends. I know it's a tactic to get at me. I'm not stupid. In the end though, all she is doing is going down a rabbit hole to her own demise. The sickness is taking hold from what I am hearing. It's very sad. Any attention is good attention in their eyes.
Logged
Hawk Ridge
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 303



« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2014, 07:35:51 PM »

So when the replacement overposted their relationship, did your ex start to feel engulfed? Did she pull away or push to? Just curious because my replacement is doing the same thing yet my ex didn't want me to post our relationship status?   In my case, my ex also had little in common with my replacement and a lot with me - or so I thought with the facts at that time.  Stymies me
Logged

Algae
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 208


« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2014, 08:18:26 PM »

So when the replacement overposted their relationship, did your ex start to feel engulfed? Did she pull away or push to? Just curious because my replacement is doing the same thing yet my ex didn't want me to post our relationship status?   In my case, my ex also had little in common with my replacement and a lot with me - or so I thought with the facts at that time.  Stymies me

My ex has nothing in common with my replacement... but is basically an exact clone of me when it comes to what she has in common with me.  She didn't like us making things public for it embarrased her... but with this guy its all she freaking does.
Logged
BlackandBlue
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: single
Posts: 154


« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2014, 12:06:37 AM »

My exBPDgf was so clingy it was ridiculous. Not only did we  live together but we worked together and we're around each other constantly. When I would try to have some time for myself she would get really upset. I think she saw it as abandonment and to avoid fighting I would just give in and spend all my time with her. If we were apart she blow my phone up with texts. If I didn't text back fast enough for her she would get upset because she thought I was ignoring her.   
Logged
cleverusername
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 185


« Reply #15 on: October 03, 2014, 12:10:14 PM »

My exBPDgf was so clingy it was ridiculous. Not only did we  live together but we worked together and we're around each other constantly. When I would try to have some time for myself she would get really upset. I think she saw it as abandonment and to avoid fighting I would just give in and spend all my time with her. If we were apart she blow my phone up with texts. If I didn't text back fast enough for her she would get upset because she thought I was ignoring her.   

This. In my case only dated for 4 months and she wanted me to be with her for 48 hours every weekend. I'm an introvert and need time to be alone and "recharge," and also some time to be with my friends doing things that don't interest her. I explained this to her and she acted like she understood but it didn't help. By Monday of each week she'd have the entire following weekend planned and if I didn't fully go along with her plans she'd rage. My friends aren't the planning type so it basically meant I couldn't see them on weekends, because they would invite me to do things last minute.

The relationship finally ended when I went on vacation with friends for a week. It was planned before I met her and she couldn't go because she didn't have enough vacation days. One day during the trip I wasn't able to respond to her texts for a few hours, which of course she got very angry about. I apologized and she told me I considered the trip as "taking a vacation from her." I told her that's totally not true but she became distant for the remainder of the trip. By the end of the trip she was responding to my texts 5+ hours late and with one word answers. I blew up at her by text when I got home and she ended it, but I knew it was already over while I was away.

I've heard that a week in the eyes of a normal person is equivalent to about a month to an emotional pwBPD. I believe she painted me black during that time and was totally over me by the time the trip was over, and she started dating again within a week. She had just told me she loved me for the first time the weekend prior to the trip also (and told me it wasn't true after the breakup).
Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #16 on: October 03, 2014, 12:15:39 PM »

Yes. She had a house with 5 kids and I had a house with 2. I made it clear upon us getting together that I could not be with her 24/7. She understood, or so I thought. The grass does not get mowed, laundry done etc. by its self. She would get mad when I didnt come over all the time and usually that time was eaten up by HER schedule of travel soccer and recreational volleyball and then she started coaching so even more time away. But it was my fault. My catch phrase from her "You better treat me special or you'll lose me"... .ad nauseum.
Logged
Popcorn71
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 483



« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2014, 01:01:40 PM »

In my experience, they can't stand being needed and view it as a sign of weakness.

My experience was different.  My ex wanted to be needed.  He did his best to make me financially dependent on him so that I would need him.  I used to tell him that I didn't need him, but I wanted him.  To me that is better because it is choosing to be with somebody not just being with them because I have to.  He didn't seem to understand that.


Its all about their needs, on their terms. If they want affection and attention, you have to give it them... .or else. If they want space, you have to give it them... .or there'll be big trouble. They say jump, you have to say "how high?". Of course, if you do this then, they'll eventually resent the fact that they've become dependent on you. So basically, you can't win!

I agree with this.  My ex wanted my total attention a lot of the time.  He resented anyone else getting my attention.  But when he had something else to do, I was expected to let him do it and not make demands on his time, although I was expected to be available to him all the time.  Eventually he must have got fed up of me going along with what he wanted because he found a replacement.

Logged
Deeno02
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2014, 01:51:23 PM »

"I agree with this.  My ex wanted my total attention a lot of the time.  He resented anyone else getting my attention.  But when he had something else to do, I was expected to let him do it and not make demands on his time, although I was expected to be available to him all the time.  Eventually he must have got fed up of me going along with what he wanted because he found a replacement."

What a great Quote. Her schedule was chaos with 5 kids, 2 in travel soccer, 1 in football, 1 in Volleyball. SHE coached volleyball for HS and a club, plus played recreationaly, but yet I was at her beck and call. Always got the you never spend time with me. When I told her that her schedule is so goofy busy, she said you can at least stop by and hug me. At 930-1000 at night? I did it because Id get the you better treat me special or lose me threat. When my daughter moed back home to attend a closer college, she called my daughter a cock block and then started referring to her as my wife. Got totally pissed off when she would have dinner with us. Wow was I blind... .
Logged
Hawk Ridge
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 303



« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2014, 03:48:57 PM »

Mine left me last April, stating I was clingy and smothering her - and you know what, she was right as, at that time, I was very insecure.  I went to counseling to work on me. She recycled me three weeks later and it went better... .for a while.  She left me this March after 3 months of distance and push pull.  She texted and called less so I initiated the texts.  She left me saying she had fallen out of love with me and couldn't give me what I needed, that she needed to be alone.  She was in love with my replacement 2 months later.   My replacement put on FB they were in a relationship and that she was in love, seeming very clingy.  My ex, who never wanted us to post on fb, responds to these posts.  I can't help but wonder if she will have the same rules with her as me.  It baffles me and, yes, if she weren't with my replacement, I would want her back so please do not tell me to run.   I am trying to learn and understand as it is difficult to make sense of what doesn't make sense but it does help to hear others' experiences and perspectives.   Thank you
Logged

Lion Fire
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 289


« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2014, 04:03:44 PM »

It's impossible to find a healthy balance with a BPD.

She wanted more and more of me all the time... .obsessive, clingy and demanding. She was subservient and desperate a lot of the time, especially in the beginning. Things started to change as her hooks trapped me.

As I became caught up in it all, I lost my own independence and started being clingy and even insecure (with good reason). This made her feel smothered and treat me like dirt.

Fact is , these relationships are sick, the dynamics are unhealthy.

She was triggered all over the place and I ended up just as mental!

The intensity and instability are overwhelming.

Thank God I bailed as I was being pushed and never went back.

Logged
JRav59
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Apart 4 months
Posts: 75



« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2014, 04:13:05 PM »

I had the same problem Lion Fire. I was thrown off guard by how she needed to see me allllll tthhhhheeee tiiiimmmmmeee. All of my free time went to this girl. She was so crazy in love, etc. It was a little much and felt like high school love. Eventually I found myself really isolated and found myself getting just as clingy and suspicious. When I needed a kind ear, I got anger and rejection. It was so unhealthy. I never want that again.
Logged
Lion Fire
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 289


« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2014, 04:36:59 PM »

Yeah JRav59,

It was all consuming.

First it was keeping up with her incessant and intense love bombing.

It then became a full time job trying to keep her happy.

At the end I was chasing shadows like a deranged desperado  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Everything suffered for me... .physical and mental health, my job, finances, spiritual well being, friendships, family relationships, my self esteem, dreams and aspirations... .I totally lost myself and the plot!

Man, it's a relief to know that I don't ever have to do this again!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!