How much jealousy is normal?

[vortex of confusion]

I keep seeing threads where partners are overly jealous and possessive. My question is how much jealousy is normal? My story is a bit twisted in that my husband has never been jealous. With him it is actually quite the opposite, he gets excited about the prospect of me being with other men. So much so that he has encouraged me to have relations with other men and then come home and tell him about it.

When we were first married and in grad school together, we were at a block party and I had a bit too much alcohol. One of the neighbors took me to his place and something started to happen. I came to just enough to put a stop to it. When I told my husband about it later, he said that he knew what was going on. He was standing outside the window watching. Instead of knocking on the door or coming in to help me out of the situation, he sat and tried to watch. When I told him what started to happen, he got excited and wanted favors from me. I used to blame myself for having too much alcohol and going with the neighbor. Now (15 years later), I am thinking that any reasonable husband would have come in and helped his wife get out of the situation because he knew that her faculties were impaired.

Because he gets excited about the idea of me being with others, he wants me to be the same and I just can't do it. I am jealous when he gives other women too much attention. He wants to be able to have relations with others and then come home and tell me about it. I did not like that at all. It made me sick at my stomach. I don't like the idea of sharing my husband with other women. If he is doing other things, the last thing I want is to know any kind of details. He is a sex addict but does not seem to understand that I do get jealous and I have a problem with him flirting with other women in my presence.

I don't know if I can get past some of the sexual stuff that has occurred between us. I worry that I have become too jealous and have developed a double standard. There are times that I catch myself wanting to do things just to hurt him because he hurt me so badly over the years. He chose to watch PPV porn on our wedding night instead of consumating our marriage. He doesn't understand why I would be jealous or have a problem with that.

[stuckgirl]

that must be quite hard

the sort of behaviour your describing is different,but none of us really know what our BPD SOs do and why they do it

there are some articles ive read about sex addiction which say that the person substitutes fantasy for reality,which i means he or she enjoys (like drug addicts enjoy drugs) so much that they'd rather have the fantasy and enjoy it,

you might have come across some information and these articles might be incorrect

but it does sound right considering how a drug addict prefers delirium to wakefulness because of the drug/s.

i can relate to how you might feel,my exBPD was/is also a sex addict,even i couldnt stomach the thought of him getting together with another person,and yes,it sickened me...

ive read your othe posts and if you feel that your family will be much better off without BPDH maybe you could find out the law regarding a sensitive situation like this.perhaps consult a lawyer to get you on your feet?

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks stuckgirl!

I am pretty confident that if I came to the conclusion that everything would be better without him and I could figure out a way to make it happen, I could do it. I am just not sure if I want to do it and if everything would be better without him.

[stuckgirl]

Thanks stuckgirl!

I am pretty confident that if I came to the conclusion that everything would be better without him and I could figure out a way to make it happen, I could do it. I am just not sure if I want to do it and if everything would be better without him.

i off course cannot know your particular fears or feelings, but it is possible to remain in a state of discontent for so long that a person forgets what content is.im not saying this by assuming anything about you or your situation.i hope you will consult a therapist who can guide you to reach your hunches which will point you in a good direction.

i do know how frustrating it is to have SO who is entirely self absorbed,who is there representing companionship but provides none. it always made me feel that the place was empty and full at the same time

which seemed to be an impossible situation

ive been there,honestly i still am and like everyone think that what is it his fault,his borderline personality,addiction,he didnt ask for it

but i couldnt help but only think that at the end of the day what difference did it make to my happiness or my families'

i tell you this not to put my story up there,but to relate to similar feelings

i imagine the sex addiction part must be pretty hurtful.