Relocating/Court

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, back to court we go!

My husband got a job offer that will take us about 3 hours north of where we currently live. It will give me opportunity to stop working and spend all my time with my 2 year old.

My son's father (BPD) is going to freak out. Granted, he moved 2 hours to the east of us and nothing will really change with our visitation schedule. The distance between us, if we meet halfway, is actually going to result in less time driving for both of us.

BPDex has said in the past that since his ex wife lives in the same city that I do that he thinks that I should have to stay here (even though he hasn't lived here in over a year). I'm a bit worried about going back to court. I can't imagine a judge telling me that I have to stay in a city that my son's father doesn't even live in because it will make his pick ups/drop offs easier with his other child. My son doesn't even see my ex's daughter outside of his dad's weekends.

I know courts can be backwards and I guess I'm just hoping from some reassurance here!

[mrsthomps]

Well, back to court we go!

My husband got a job offer that will take us about 3 hours north of where we currently live. It will give me opportunity to stop working and spend all my time with my 2 year old.

My son's father (BPD) is going to freak out. Granted, he moved 2 hours to the east of us and nothing will really change with our visitation schedule. The distance between us, if we meet halfway, is actually going to result in less time driving for both of us.

BPDex has said in the past that since his ex wife lives in the same city that I do that he thinks that I should have to stay here (even though he hasn't lived here in over a year). I'm a bit worried about going back to court. I can't imagine a judge telling me that I have to stay in a city that my son's father doesn't even live in because it will make his pick ups/drop offs easier with his other child. My son doesn't even see my ex's daughter outside of his dad's weekends.

I know courts can be backwards and I guess I'm just hoping from some reassurance here!

[Nope]

You said your son is two, so at least switching schools won't be an issue. Judges try to look at the way the move will impact the child. And where the child's non-custodial parent lives is only one part of that. Here are some questions you want to have answers to for the court:

Will the living arrangements be more favorable for the child if this move happens? You said you'd be able to stop working and be a full time mom. That's a big plus as child care can be a huge expence. Would you be moving into a house or apartment? The court will want reassurance that the child won't be uprooted multiple times and moved further and further away from the other parent. Anything you can do to show how this move will be a positive thing for the child will make it easier for a judge to say yes.

Courts can do crazy things and may try to find ways to appease the squeeky wheel. Nobody can tell you how it will go but as long as you are prepared to make a strong case I can't imagine the court saying anything you can't live with.

[mrsthomps]

You said your son is two, so at least switching schools won't be an issue. Judges try to look at the way the move will impact the child. And where the child's non-custodial parent lives is only one part of that. Here are some questions you want to have answers to for the court:

Will the living arrangements be more favorable for the child if this move happens? You said you'd be able to stop working and be a full time mom. That's a big plus as child care can be a huge expence. Would you be moving into a house or apartment? The court will want reassurance that the child won't be uprooted multiple times and moved further and further away from the other parent. Anything you can do to show how this move will be a positive thing for the child will make it easier for a judge to say yes.

Courts can do crazy things and may try to find ways to appease the squeeky wheel. Nobody can tell you how it will go but as long as you are prepared to make a strong case I can't imagine the court saying anything you can't live with.

We live in a 4bd/3ba now and our new house will be about the same size. My husband will be making quite a bit more money and we will be able to afford private school for my son when he's ready to start. That was a HUGE plus for us moving. My ex pays a very minimum amount of child support so paying for childcare is a big issue that would be appeased by this.

[ForeverDad]

It's possible he will be very concerned about how deeply his pockets are impacted.  Private school is usually a decision by the residential parent.  Ponder the legal consequences and his overreactions if you mention this too soon.

Side note, we had a father here years ago who was not the residential parent and who agreed with the usual boilerplate of splitting of medical and educational expenses.  Well, before that order was dry she switched the child to private school.  He immediately protested that he wanted to pay toward only the normal expenses of public school (and years down the road, inexpensive colleges if required).  However, his court ruled (1) she was residential parent to decide on child's schooling and (2) he had agreed to pay and so (3) the court wouldn't change or reduce his obligations.   Though your courts might not rule that way, this is just an FYI that your ex may not want to risk being required to pay toward private education and that might be leverage to reduce his protests about moving.  It may turn out to be that negotiations are needed so be careful not to gift away too soon what leverage you might have.  If he won't be reasonable then don't try to make a deal which could thereby harm your own parenting position, let the court take the lead.

That said, hundreds of thousands of parents, if not millions, move each year.  Moves happen, courts accept that reality and they deal with it.  That the father already lives some distance away proves that and so it should make your move less worrying.  The goals is to not fret overmuch and still protect the aspects that are most important to your parenting.

[ForeverDad]

It's possible that he will claim keeping the children in the same city will make the logistics easier for him.  Sadly, he has children with two different mothers from ended relationships, but he has to deal with that fact and reality.  Don't let him use triangulated locations against you.  It's not your job to make it easier for him.  And if he gets more children with other women then that isn't your worry either, the logistics of more children is his problem.

[mrsthomps]

It's possible that he will claim keeping the children in the same city will make the logistics easier for him. 

I guess that's what I'm worried about the most. My parents live near us right now as well and my mother watches my son while I work. She was diagnosed with lung cancer recently and my ex won't let me put our son in daycare (he doesn't want to pay for it so he refuses to agree to a place or go to mediation over it). I have been missing so much work so she can make her appts. It's really hurting us financially. This move would alleviate that issue entirely and it's literally the exact same amount of time in the car for him.

[ForeverDad]

Ponder why you feel at such a disadvantage.  Yes, the stubborn, entitled, acting-out disordered person often can get his/her way in court, not sure why but I'm currently subscribing to the Squeaky-Wheel-Gets-the-Grease theory.

My ex won't let me put our son in daycare (he doesn't want to pay for it so he refuses to agree to a place or go to mediation over it).

Does he really have to agree to a place?  What are the consequences if you pick one convenient for you and use it?  Sure, he can protest, but he would have to get the court to agree with him if he was to legally sabotage it.  Yes, he has done an abduction from daycare, but that doesn't mean he will be allowed to continue doing so.  In effect he's doing enough to make you feel powerless but that's not really the case.  Once you get your full case before a judge and document how your son and his safety/stability is endangered, the court won't be so anxious to enable his parenting, they'll be more likely to keep you in charge.

What sort of parenting schedule do you have now?  Alternate weekends?  A visit or two in between?  Whatever else, keep it minority time.  Don't make any deals granting him additional time or anything close to equal time.  Why?  Courts are often reluctant to change parenting arrangements.  If he's has minority time now and you give in trying to seek peace and let him have more time, it can be hard to undo that.

[mrsthomps]

What sort of parenting schedule do you have now?  Alternate weekends?  A visit or two in between?  Whatever else, keep it minority time.  Don't make any deals granting him additional time or anything close to equal time.  Why?  Courts are often reluctant to change parenting arrangements.  If he's has minority time now and you give in trying to seek peace and let him have more time, it can be hard to undo that.

Right now our parenting plan is every other weekend with an overnight on the off week. We actually tack that over night on the off week onto the weekend time just because it's a lot of traveling for a 2 year old to do otherwise. I was considering offering a block of 6 days once a month to minimize our interactions even more. I'll probably just stick with our every other weekend scenario though.

[ForeverDad]

Right now our parenting plan is every other weekend with an overnight on the off week. We actually tack that over night on the off week onto the weekend time just because it's a lot of traveling for a 2 year old to do otherwise. I was considering offering a block of 6 days once a month to minimize our interactions even more. I'll probably just stick with our every other weekend scenario though.

Yes, definitely stick with the alternate weekends.  First, alternate weekends is a standard for all family courts, best not to buck what the court sees as "what works".  Second, you don't want the court to think that voluntarily agreed longer periods of time with a potentially misbehaving parent is okay with you.  Yes, you can't do much about what a court orders, but don't voluntarily double or greatly lengthen the visits.  For all you know you could have a court that wants you to go back to alternate weekends but instead of splitting the longer period back to the way it usually is, just orders as is super-long alternate weekends for the ex.

Also, if he wants to cancel a visit and trade for other dates, don't get into a habit of allowing that, at some point a disordered parent would use your flexibility to ex's advantage to feel more entitled and still not reciprocate flexibility back to you.  And then if you decided to stop being flexible he could complain to court of a change and try to force you to jump when he says jump.  Exceptions may be okay, just keep them relatively rare lest they enable his sense of entitlement and foster more demands.

For an acting-out disordered person it's about boundaries, yours, they have to be pushed constantly and weakened.  I'm not sure how much of this applies in your case, but be aware.

[livednlearned]

In my state, if there is a contested move, there are 9 criteria that the court considers. It could just be a boilerplate decision based on the factors involved. Has your lawyer said anything about whether there is criteria for moving?

Here, I think it is stuff like whether the schools are better, job acceptance letter, relationship with the each parent, whether there will be family in the new location, etc.