Rejections

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I carry on down the dating circuit (circus) for good and bad. Yesterday I spoke to a woman on the phone which felt more like a job interview than connecting with a human being. After the usual question, the one I hate the most, "so what are you looking for?" I said I was fresh out of a complicated 5 year relationship and I am taking things slow. She interrogated me more and I said my ex has BPD. She told me she's a psychiatric nurse and has dealt with many BPD people. She said that she'd been left drained by working with BPD's. I found that very interesting but only to be cut off mid sentence with a "with your experiences I don't think this will go anywhere" followed by a cold best of luck with your endeavours. As if I was contaminated by having had contact with BPD or something. Which I guess in a way I am. Charming lady none the less.

[Mr Hollande]

I carry on down the dating circuit (circus) for good and bad. Yesterday I spoke to a woman on the phone which felt more like a job interview than connecting with a human being. After the usual question, the one I hate the most, "so what are you looking for?" I said I was fresh out of a complicated 5 year relationship and I am taking things slow. She interrogated me more and I said my ex has BPD. She told me she's a psychiatric nurse and has dealt with many BPD people. She said that she'd been left drained by working with BPD's. I found that very interesting but only to be cut off mid sentence with a "with your experiences I don't think this will go anywhere" followed by a cold best of luck with your endeavours. As if I was contaminated by having had contact with BPD or something. Which I guess in a way I am. Charming lady none the less.

[crookedeuphoria]

Yikes. Working with pwBPD must mean she has also seen their loved ones walking around looking shell shocked and defeated.

I'm sorry this happened to you but I appreciate the tip. If I am ever ready to date again, I will simply tell people my ex had "issues".

[Pingo]

I wonder about this as well, if my extremely complicated r/s I've just got out of will be a red flag for future prospects.  I could pretend it never happened but considering I married him and now will be twice divorced, I'm sure they'll have some questions for me!  I'm dreading the whole idea of dating again and am no where near being ready to get back out there.  Good on you for taking that step!

My ex had a brain injury and early on in our r/s when comparing dating stories he told me how he met a woman for coffee and told her he had a brain injury she got up immediately and left, said she didn't have any desire to get involved with that!  I thought this was pretty cruel but now in hindsight I should have done the same!

[Mr Hollande]

Yikes. Working with pwBPD must mean she has also seen their loved ones walking around looking shell shocked and defeated.

Yes, she did also mention that.

[walksoftly]

I started datig after my divorce and I had a conversation with a nice looking woman. I named two of my favourite restaurants.  The conversation went on for a week or so and I guess she assumed that I OWNED the restaurants! When she found out otherwise   ... POOF

[Inside]

…I wonder if being familiar with BPD, your perspective friend also envisioned a crazed stalker wanting to keep you to herself by eliminating your future prospects for love... ?  How’s that for a conspiracy theory

Gee, though, a nurse lacking the compassion to associate with the victim of a BPD mate... ?  Sounds like a coldness you’re best to have avoided…

I’ve had that ‘interrogation feeling,’ too.  Seems worse with age…  Someone feeling it necessary to sift through all our baggage, as if they’re a better judge of us for what we’ve been through - than where we’re at now... ?  Personally, I tend to smile in those situations …and calmly write them off.  Maybe trusting and judging someone for who I feel they are now got me into trouble with a very clever (high functioning) BPgf … but I’m not so scarred as to distrust my instincts and attempt to pencil things out to the inth degree with a perspective mate... .

…personally, I’m in the midst of liquidating a century farm with plans of moving toward the ocean… so factoring that into a new r/s seems nearly impossible…  So I’m in a holding pattern r/s wise … with thoughts of that darn uBPDxgf bouncing through my head …as she’s again, after 10 months apart, seeking my attention.  Give me strength!

[tim_tom]

I carry on down the dating circuit (circus) for good and bad. Yesterday I spoke to a woman on the phone which felt more like a job interview than connecting with a human being. After the usual question, the one I hate the most, "so what are you looking for?" I said I was fresh out of a complicated 5 year relationship and I am taking things slow. She interrogated me more and I said my ex has BPD. She told me she's a psychiatric nurse and has dealt with many BPD people. She said that she'd been left drained by working with BPD's. I found that very interesting but only to be cut off mid sentence with a "with your experiences I don't think this will go anywhere" followed by a cold best of luck with your endeavours. As if I was contaminated by having had contact with BPD or something. Which I guess in a way I am. Charming lady none the less.

Well, honestly I'm not sure she's wrong. I am not going to be  able to relate to women normally for some time.

To go from idolization to dirt under their shoe in the snap of  her cold little finger is going to create trust issues that will be hard to overcome for awhile.

I am continually surprised by how deeply and comprehensively my ego, emotional self and soul have been decimated by this experience.

[Mr Hollande]

I carry on down the dating circuit (circus) for good and bad. Yesterday I spoke to a woman on the phone which felt more like a job interview than connecting with a human being. After the usual question, the one I hate the most, "so what are you looking for?" I said I was fresh out of a complicated 5 year relationship and I am taking things slow. She interrogated me more and I said my ex has BPD. She told me she's a psychiatric nurse and has dealt with many BPD people. She said that she'd been left drained by working with BPD's. I found that very interesting but only to be cut off mid sentence with a "with your experiences I don't think this will go anywhere" followed by a cold best of luck with your endeavours. As if I was contaminated by having had contact with BPD or something. Which I guess in a way I am. Charming lady none the less.

Well, honestly I'm not sure she's wrong. I am not going to be  able to relate to women normally for some time.

She isn't wrong but what took me be slight surprise was the swiftness and coldness of her decision. How does one get like that? But yes, better off not having such a person around. There have been a few other ladies lately who are pleasant and genuine enough to make the dating journey worth it. I sat for 2 hours yesterday evening with a woman I connected with very easily. I'm enjoying this.

[tim_tom]

Well, honestly I'm not sure she's wrong. I am not going to be  able to relate to women normally for some time.

She isn't wrong but what took me be slight surprise was the swiftness and coldness of her decision. How dooes one get like that? But yes, better off not having such a person around. There have been a few other ladies lately who are pleasant and genuine enough to make the dating journey worth it. I sat for 2 hours yesterday evening with a woman I connected with very easily. I'm enjoying this. [/quote]
where are you meeting them?

[Mr Hollande]

Online. The sequence being chatting, phone call, meeting. Seems there is enough interest in a battered 40 year old out there to be worth my while. Last week's failed date told me I've learnt to identify red flags which was a triumph in itself.

[Nomad1027]

Mr Hollande, she might just have really solid boundaries.  Don't take it personally.  As a psychiatric nurse I am sure she has seen the wounded Non's in BPD's lives.  She is probably concerned about possible codependent traits that she thinks you may have. 

I know that I always had codependent traits, which led me to my DxBPDw.  However, after living with her for 15 years my codependent traits grew significantly.  That is now what I am working on instead of dating, at least for the next 9-12 months.  I would rather take a break, focus on my issues now and find a healthy woman for a healthy relationship, and avoid going through this again.  I've been a two-time winner and almost hit the jackpot again when I started dating.

1.  I married a classic BPD, was married for 15 years, and then got divorced.  I was so relieved and happy when she left.

2.  I dated a "transparent" or high-functioning BPD for 2 years before she suddenly left.  That was devastating and the reason I am here.

3.  I went out on three dates with a new woman after #2.  After the third date she called me up on a weeknight and asked me to come over for a movie and "adult time". When I told her I had to finish making dinner for my kids and then help with school work she went mental, asking me "do you EVER foresee a time when you will be able to put me before your kids?  What about what I need?"  My answer:  "No.  Never.  Goodbye."  She has since tried to apologize and then raged again for something else.  Then she sent me suggestive photos and called me a "fa###t" when I did not respond.

I am a BPD magnet these days, apparently.  Better for me to heal and get ready for a healthy one than deal with "the same woman" 3, 4, or 5 times.

[BlackandBlue]

I am nowhere near ready to date and I've been out of my last relationship for over 6 months now.  I am a codependent and I so tired of getting caught up in unhealthy relationships. This past one really did me in. I am in therapy and working on overcoming my codependent issues but I am concerned about when the time comes when I to try dating.  To be honest I don't even know how to date, all of my previous relationships kind of just happened because I knew them before we got romantically involved. I guess I'll do the online thing when the time comes.

[bruised]

I am a BPD magnet these days, apparently. 

Yeah, but your response of "No. Never. Goodbye" shows you've learned to recognise them and deal with them. Tell them to ___ off, then go NC. Perfect.  

[Blimblam]

Mr Hollande, she might just have really solid boundaries.  Don't take it personally.  As a psychiatric nurse I am sure she has seen the wounded Non's in BPD's lives.  She is probably concerned about possible codependent traits that she thinks you may have. 

I know that I always had codependent traits, which led me to my DxBPDw.  However, after living with her for 15 years my codependent traits grew significantly.  That is now what I am working on instead of dating, at least for the next 9-12 months.  I would rather take a break, focus on my issues now and find a healthy woman for a healthy relationship, and avoid going through this again.  I've been a two-time winner and almost hit the jackpot again when I started dating.

1.  I married a classic BPD, was married for 15 years, and then got divorced.  I was so relieved and happy when she left.

2.  I dated a "transparent" or high-functioning BPD for 2 years before she suddenly left.  That was devastating and the reason I am here.

3.  I went out on three dates with a new woman after #2.  After the third date she called me up on a weeknight and asked me to come over for a movie and "adult time". When I told her I had to finish making dinner for my kids and then help with school work she went mental, asking me "do you EVER foresee a time when you will be able to put me before your kids?  What about what I need?"  My answer:  "No.  Never.  Goodbye."  She has since tried to apologize and then raged again for something else.  Then she sent me suggestive photos and called me a "fa###t" when I did not respond.

I am a BPD magnet these days, apparently.  Better for me to heal and get ready for a healthy one than deal with "the same woman" 3, 4, or 5 times.

Nomad man this made me laugh.

[Mr Hollande]

Mr Hollande, she might just have really solid boundaries.  Don't take it personally.  As a psychiatric nurse I am sure she has seen the wounded Non's in BPD's lives.  She is probably concerned about possible codependent traits that she thinks you may have. 

I know that I always had codependent traits, which led me to my DxBPDw.  However, after living with her for 15 years my codependent traits grew significantly.  That is now what I am working on instead of dating, at least for the next 9-12 months.  I would rather take a break, focus on my issues now and find a healthy woman for a healthy relationship, and avoid going through this again.  I've been a two-time winner and almost hit the jackpot again when I started dating.

1.  I married a classic BPD, was married for 15 years, and then got divorced.  I was so relieved and happy when she left.

2.  I dated a "transparent" or high-functioning BPD for 2 years before she suddenly left.  That was devastating and the reason I am here.

3.  I went out on three dates with a new woman after #2.  After the third date she called me up on a weeknight and asked me to come over for a movie and "adult time". When I told her I had to finish making dinner for my kids and then help with school work she went mental, asking me "do you EVER foresee a time when you will be able to put me before your kids?  What about what I need?"  My answer:  "No.  Never.  Goodbye."  She has since tried to apologize and then raged again for something else.  Then she sent me suggestive photos and called me a "fa###t" when I did not respond.

I am a BPD magnet these days, apparently.  Better for me to heal and get ready for a healthy one than deal with "the same woman" 3, 4, or 5 times.

While all this is true I still have a problem being treated like a write off. I am no ones lost cause, I am a fighter and a survivor, so f#ck her.

[Mutt]

Good idea Nomad1027 with taking time off from relationships and digging through your stuff. I took 18 months off so far. I guess I had a lot of work to do   They say take a month off for every year of the marriage and double that if it's a personality disorder.

3.  I went out on three dates with a new woman after #2.  After the third date she called me up on a weeknight and asked me to come over for a movie and "adult time". When I told her I had to finish making dinner for my kids and then help with school work she went mental, asking me "do you EVER foresee a time when you will be able to put me before your kids?  What about what I need?"  My answer:  "No.  Never.  Goodbye."  She has since tried to apologize and then raged again for something else.  Then she sent me suggestive photos and called me a "fa###t" when I did not respond.

Good catch on the   and rejection sensitivity.

While all this is true I still have a problem being treated like a write off. I am no ones lost cause, I am a fighter and a survivor, so f#ck her.

I agree you're not a lost cause and you are a survivor.

She simply has boundaries and it's not a reflection on who you are as a man. Perhaps save the BPD stuff for later next time.

[Waifed]

Mr Hollande, she might just have really solid boundaries.  Don't take it personally.  As a psychiatric nurse I am sure she has seen the wounded Non's in BPD's lives.  She is probably concerned about possible codependent traits that she thinks you may have. 

I know that I always had codependent traits, which led me to my DxBPDw.  However, after living with her for 15 years my codependent traits grew significantly.  That is now what I am working on instead of dating, at least for the next 9-12 months.  I would rather take a break, focus on my issues now and find a healthy woman for a healthy relationship, and avoid going through this again.  I've been a two-time winner and almost hit the jackpot again when I started dating.

1.  I married a classic BPD, was married for 15 years, and then got divorced.  I was so relieved and happy when she left.

2.  I dated a "transparent" or high-functioning BPD for 2 years before she suddenly left.  That was devastating and the reason I am here.

3.  I went out on three dates with a new woman after #2.  After the third date she called me up on a weeknight and asked me to come over for a movie and "adult time". When I told her I had to finish making dinner for my kids and then help with school work she went mental, asking me "do you EVER foresee a time when you will be able to put me before your kids?  What about what I need?"  My answer:  "No.  Never.  Goodbye."  She has since tried to apologize and then raged again for something else.  Then she sent me suggestive photos and called me a "fa###t" when I did not respond.

I am a BPD magnet these days, apparently.  Better for me to heal and get ready for a healthy one than deal with "the same woman" 3, 4, or 5 times.

Sounds like you blew an opportunity for the trifecta  good for you!