Why is she acting so normal?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Omg I am such an idiot.

I was doing so well, I recently met a new guy online and we are getting on like a house on fire, I'm really excited about how it is developing.

But curiosity got the better of me and I ended up asking a mutual friend of myself and my non-ex how he was doing. He told me he was really well, which kind of surprised me I'll admit (you know to hear his life hasn't fallen apart while with this BPD-woman) but it did make me happy; I'm glad he is doing good. However the mutual friend told me, very hesitantly I had to draw it out of him, that my non-ex and his BPDdgf are still very much together and have moved in together.

This is madness, absolute madness, why is she being so... .so... .normal. She treated me like dirt and everything I've read here, is she some bizarre exception?

They have been together over a year, supposedly no major issues, they have been away together twice and now live with one another and as it stands absolutely no signs, none at all of any untoward behaviour from her. None. My mutual friend said that she has been on some new medication and given up drinking and has really calmed down over the past year or so. Can any medication do that? I thought there was no evidence for meds helping BPD.

I guess we don't see what goes on behind closed doors but it is making me feel like I'm losing it all over again! Now I feel like the one who is nuts, and remembering things wrong. I know, I KNOW she is mentally imbalanced, unstable and a manipulative/conniving individual but how can I trust what I know anymore when no one else sees it. This can't be an act, for over a year? Really?

[Springle]

Omg I am such an idiot.

I was doing so well, I recently met a new guy online and we are getting on like a house on fire, I'm really excited about how it is developing.

But curiosity got the better of me and I ended up asking a mutual friend of myself and my non-ex how he was doing. He told me he was really well, which kind of surprised me I'll admit (you know to hear his life hasn't fallen apart while with this BPD-woman) but it did make me happy; I'm glad he is doing good. However the mutual friend told me, very hesitantly I had to draw it out of him, that my non-ex and his BPDdgf are still very much together and have moved in together.

This is madness, absolute madness, why is she being so... .so... .normal. She treated me like dirt and everything I've read here, is she some bizarre exception?

They have been together over a year, supposedly no major issues, they have been away together twice and now live with one another and as it stands absolutely no signs, none at all of any untoward behaviour from her. None. My mutual friend said that she has been on some new medication and given up drinking and has really calmed down over the past year or so. Can any medication do that? I thought there was no evidence for meds helping BPD.

I guess we don't see what goes on behind closed doors but it is making me feel like I'm losing it all over again! Now I feel like the one who is nuts, and remembering things wrong. I know, I KNOW she is mentally imbalanced, unstable and a manipulative/conniving individual but how can I trust what I know anymore when no one else sees it. This can't be an act, for over a year? Really?

[Infern0]

"Behind closed doors"

My R/S looked picture perfect from the outside because I was fogged up and too embarrassed to admit to people what was really going on.

You are not crazy and I guarantee there is major BS going on behind the scenes

[Springle]

I feel like no one believes me, no one. Even I am struggling to believe my own thoughts/memories now.

I wish so much that our mutual friends and people connected to my ex would see it for what it truly, see how she treated me and how she twisted everything to work for her own selfish need. I lost one my closest, dearest friends and it really hurts and it just feels like no one seems to get it.

How long can they act normal? Will I never know if what I remember is right?

[trappedinlove]

Stuff could going on behind closed doors and in some cases hfpwBPDs do have quite and functional periods when they aren't triggered that can last for quite a long time as I've experienced with my exSO.  I would wish them the best, from the bottom of my heart, really. Especially if she is making genuine steps to take care of herself and manage the disorder.

Take care,

TIL

[Springle]

Stuff could going on behind closed doors and in some cases hfpwBPDs do have quite and functional periods when they aren't triggered that can last for quite a long time as I've experienced with my exSO.  I would wish them the best, from the bottom of my heart, really. Especially if she is making genuine steps to take care of herself and manage the disorder.

Take care,

TIL

Excuse me? So I am supposed to wish well the woman who sent me death threats a year ago, lied and gaslit me in order to get close to my ex and destroy our friendship?

I'm sorry but you must understand how impossible that is for me to do. She hasn't even come to me and apologised, still hides behind a block on FB, my non-ex hasn't even spoken to me since this r/s started.

And she is not taking genuine steps, popping a few pills is not putting in an active/conscious effort to manage her disorder, limit destruction and empathise with the deep pain she has caused me and many others. If she really wanted to make a genuine effort she would get away from him and others she has the ability to hurt and go and get proper therapy and professional help.

[Infern0]

Stuff could going on behind closed doors and in some cases hfpwBPDs do have quite and functional periods when they aren't triggered that can last for quite a long time as I've experienced with my exSO.  I would wish them the best, from the bottom of my heart, really. Especially if she is making genuine steps to take care of herself and manage the disorder.

Take care,

TIL

Excuse me? So I am supposed to wish well the woman who sent me death threats a year ago, lied and gaslit me in order to get close to my ex and destroy our friendship?

I'm sorry but you must understand how impossible that is for me to do. She hasn't even come to me and apologised, still hides behind a block on FB, my non-ex hasn't even spoken to me since this r/s started.

And she is not taking genuine steps, popping a few pills is not putting in an active/conscious effort to manage her disorder, limit destruction and empathise with the deep pain she has caused me and many others. If she really wanted to make a genuine effort she would get away from him and others she has the ability to hurt and go and get proper therapy and professional help.

We all understand how you feel. How long was your ex "normal" around you?

Mine was low functioning and it took about 2 months before the crazy crap started.

If yours was high functioning I'm assuming she held it together longer.  You can probably assume she will last as long this time give or take.

You need to do some inner work though,  sitting stewing isn't going to help matters at all its just doing you in.

I know it's not easy though.

[myself]

Did other people see her bad behavior when she was with you?

That would help back up your memories of how it really was.

Believe in yourself. You were there. You already know.

It could be new meds/not drinking. Better match with new person.

Or the calm before the storm. (Agreed, behind closed doors  )

Maybe it's time to not ask about her anymore?

[Infern0]

It can happen that they,  or "the illness" finds a better match.

My first BPD (queen type) eventually found herself with this slightly slow,  emotionally detached guy.  He just kind of puts up with all the bull___,  does whatever she says,  buys her nice things etc.  He's complete puppet.  She doesn't love him but she keeps him around.

Better match because he's worthless basically.  There's no abandonment fears there because this guy is just a puppet.  They have been together for 3 years now.

If you are a guy that has anything about you,  well in all honesty the stronger you are the shorter will be your relationship because subconsciously you will be fighting back.

The longer it lasts is normally because they have someone very weak, a slave basically not a lover.  And they will be cheating on him.

My waif now texts me how much she misses and loves me,  while poor bilbo baggins, my replacement is just a confused mess.

I'm meeting her next week and will probably sleep with her. Then send her back to bilbo baggins and she can ruin his weekend while I go out and have a laugh.

Hmm

[Springle]

We all understand how you feel. How long was your ex "normal" around you?

Mine was low functioning and it took about 2 months before the crazy crap started.

If yours was high functioning I'm assuming she held it together longer.  You can probably assume she will last as long this time give or take.

You need to do some inner work though,  sitting stewing isn't going to help matters at all its just doing you in.

I know it's not easy though.

My ex is a nonpwBPD so he was always normal I guess you can say.

I'd knew her (his now dBPDgf) for about a year before we cut contact and she got with my non-ex. She always seemed very abnormal, emotional, dramatic and a bit of a mess to be quite honest. She had a lot of history too which was no secret.

[trappedinlove]

Stuff could going on behind closed doors and in some cases hfpwBPDs do have quite and functional periods when they aren't triggered that can last for quite a long time as I've experienced with my exSO.  I would wish them the best, from the bottom of my heart, really. Especially if she is making genuine steps to take care of herself and manage the disorder.

Take care,

TIL

Excuse me? So I am supposed to wish well the woman who sent me death threats a year ago, lied and gaslit me in order to get close to my ex and destroy our friendship?

I'm sorry but you must understand how impossible that is for me to do. She hasn't even come to me and apologised, still hides behind a block on FB, my non-ex hasn't even spoken to me since this r/s started.

And she is not taking genuine steps, popping a few pills is not putting in an active/conscious effort to manage her disorder, limit destruction and empathise with the deep pain she has caused me and many others. If she really wanted to make a genuine effort she would get away from him and others she has the ability to hurt and go and get proper therapy and professional help.

I understand how you feel and how hard it is and I can closely relate to that with my own story, but the bottom line is that we need to choose either to keep the poisonous anger and wait for her to change or let go of it and move on.  This is the only choice we have under our control.  You can't change one bit of her, or your ex's.

Your non-ex made a conscious choice. Happy or not with it, you must accept it.  It might very well be the wrong choice for him but he's entitled to make his own mistakes with his life,  So, let them live their screwed up lives and you go and live yours.  Make it better for yourself, you deserve better.

[maternal]

This is part of their power over us.  It must have been us, right?  It must really have been our faults if they can be so "normal" and "happy" with someone after us, right?

No.  That's the effect of their emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse.  It works because there is that tiny little doubt in each of us.  That little bit of self-worth battle that they are so adept at picking up on and manipulating to their advantage.  It drives us crazy, and maybe they know it, maybe they don't... .but it works.  It is not real.  It is that abuse banging through your head. You have been lead to believe things about yourself that are complete fabrications... .projected from the mind and mouth of a disordered individual.  Do not believe this hype.

Of course, we all have our own issues, every single person on this planet does, but what you see is an illusion.  It felt and seemed "normal" with you at one point as well... .until they can learn to love themselves, to not hate themselves, to not be at constant war within themselves, they will never be able to have "normal" regardless of how it may appear on the outside.

[Blimblam]

This is part of their power over us.  It must have been us, right?  It must really have been our faults if they can be so "normal" and "happy" with someone after us, right?

No.  That's the effect of their emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse.  It works because there is that tiny little doubt in each of us.  That little bit of self-worth battle that they are so adept at picking up on and manipulating to their advantage.  It drives us crazy, and maybe they know it, maybe they don't... .but it works.  It is not real.  It is that abuse banging through your head. You have been lead to believe things about yourself that are complete fabrications... .projected from the mind and mouth of a disordered individual.  Do not believe this hype.

Of course, we all have our own issues, every single person on this planet does, but what you see is an illusion.  It felt and seemed "normal" with you at one point as well... .until they can learn to love themselves, to not hate themselves, to not be at constant war within themselves, they will never be able to have "normal" regardless of how it may appear on the outside.

Wow maternal this Is powerful. Thank you