Identity change - did I ever knew my BPD?

[Nicolai]

I have going over my relationship several times. And it seems to me like I have been knowing three different women. The first one was the one I met. A scared and shy girl who just needed some support. Then I meet a new side of her. This one was exactly like me, with my political, interests and hobbies. And loved everything I loved. Then gradually she changed to this cold, demanding narcissistic woman that laughed while kicking me in the stomach. Then she left me for someone else. And suddenly all hobbies she said she hated, she now lives. Like bowling, which she can't play because her right hand is something wrong with. But suddenly it is now her favourite thing to do. And shyness? All gone. She used to isolate me, hate people and so on. Now she is suddently with a lot of people, having the time of her life. Blaming me for her insecurities. Which she had when I met her, infact I used to have a lot of friends. But now I realise I have none. And then I remembered her rules about friends. "They shall not come over, and you shall not be outside without me". Then she got these friends, and suddenly "you need to stay home, while I am outside." I didn't see that this was mental abuse at all. I am just so freakin scared that a woman I have know for four years, is a complete stranger to me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am right here with you.  I spent everyday with my ex for 26 months and I don't recognize her today.  Everything was a facade.  I should have known, I kept asking myself where the girl I fell in love with went.

Seriously though, f*** her.  I just have to look at myself and figure out why I tolerated her for so long.  She will never change her true self.  I can change the aspects of myself that let a chameleon get so close.

Remember, in a BPD relationship chances are you are completely normal.  Their insanity is so stealthy that it ruins the perception of NONs.  With time you too will make it out of the fog and learn to accept that she was just a crazy person.

[Nicolai]

Thank you! I needed to hear that. So many times I have thought... "It most be me. She says I make her angry. Ofcourse it is my fault". It is all so strange really. Some times memory triggers sets in, and I can remember horrible episodes that I had forgoten. Like the fact that she attacked me by kicking me, and laughing. Like we where having a game where the fun was what kind of noises I could make if you hit the right spots. And the insane part is that I remember thinking. "Well this is great. She is laughing instead of being angry. She is not breaking stuff, and she is not threatening to kill herself. Perhaps this is the way we should handle her anger issues from now on". It is really scary how we can become so blind! It's absolutely horrifying!

[lm911]

Yes I know her real. I will try to help you, think of her as when the idealization phase of you realtionship is over. There is her real character. Of course idealization and devaluation are also part of her thinking but they cycle. If you can think about the phase between these to in you relationship- this is her and only there you can see her real character.