Is this permanent or not?

[Samuel S.]

Now that my BPDw's D18 is gone to college, my BPDw seems to be more appreciate of what I am doing around here. While she is at work, I do the laundry, sweep the front so as not to bring in petals on our floors, do errands, and many other things. Lately, she has made it a specific point to thank me for each of these things. All along, I have thanked her working and cooking, although I do work part-time with a full retirement check each month.

After thanking me, just as like what she is doing now, she goes back to her studies, and that is the end of the day.

So, my question is: is this permanent or not? She has never been so appreciative beforehand? If this is a permanent change for whatever reason, how do I know if it is true that she really does appreciate everything I am doing. I honestly don't know.

So, how long is long enough to determine if your BPD goes from being negative to appreciative? Is it trustworthy enough?

[Mutt]

Lately, she has made it a specific point to thank me for each of these things. All along, I have thanked her working and cooking, although I do work part-time with a full retirement check each month.

Hi Samuel S.

I'm sorry your BPDw's behavior is confusing. She's idealizing you. I couldn't tell when my uBPDex would idealize me and then devaluate me. She can't control splitting. I hope that helps.

[Samuel S.]

Thank you. It is really difficult and, yes, confusing how my BPDw behaves. I don't even know if she knows what is real. All I know is that I have been real, loving, and helpful with her as I have always been with her, with others in my personal life, as well as in my professional life.

BTW, I just saw "Gone Girl" which is like BPD to the extreme!

[Mutt]

Thank you. It is really difficult and, yes, confusing how my BPDw behaves. I don't even know if she knows what is real. All I know is that I have been real, loving, and helpful with her as I have always been with her, with others in my personal life, as well as in my professional life.

BTW, I just saw "Gone Girl" which is like BPD to the extreme!

Was the movie triggering? It's sad to watch a loved one not see that they are sick. I'm truly sorry. It tugs at the heartstrings. BPD is a part of her personality. Her reality is real to her, just as your reality is real to you. It is a mental illness.

Reality is open to debate. Emotions and feelings are real. Validate yourself that you have been loving, and helpful to her. Another way of looking at it is take it for what it is. She's saying thanks.

[Samuel S.]

The movie did not trigger me, because I know that it was a movie. Without giving details away, it just was an example of what could happen, if anything were ever to go to an extreme.

Yes, you're right. BPD is a part of her personality so that it is real for her. Also, it can be rather convenient for her. Here is a case and point. My own D47 who lives with her family in Australia rarely communicates with me due to a lot of her own issues, but I have always been loving with her, although there have been natural disagreements. My BPDw decided that when my inheritance from my parents, was diminishing, to focus on my D47 saying that she never communicates with me, that my BPDw's now D18 truly loving, that my D 47 does not deserve any more of my money. My BPDw continuously bombarded me with this manipulative talk, that in order to stop it, I relented and wrote a scathing email to my D47 saying that she did not deserve any more money.

Of course, my D47 was extremely hurt. She knew that some of what I said was true, but a majority of it was false. Yet, I caused a major divide between my D47 due to my BPDw's manipulative talk.

When my D47 came to visit here about a year or so after this email, my D47 was cordial at first and eventually turned into an extremely heated argument.

In the meantime, my BPDw was in the other room. After I told my D47 that she was being very verbally abusive, I told her and her son to leave, which she did.

Afterward, my BPDw began to laugh about the situation, that it truly seemed that she enjoyed the pain that we caused each other. It was only then that I knew that I had been duped.

All of the above happened 6 years ago.

Just yesterday, I received an email from my D47, that she and her family are flying here and will be staying in our state for 5 to 6 weeks. After I mentioned this to my BPDw, she said that she never had any issue with my D47.

So, returning to your comments about her being real, she was real 6 years ago, and she now is conveniently forgetful about all the hardship that she aggravated to the extreme. I asked her if she wanted to see them, and she said she might be too busy.

Granted, she might have had a change of heart about her; however, not once did she bring my supposedly selfish ways up to my D47 or even apologize to me and/or to my D47 for the aggravation that she caused. This situation reminds me of Shakespeare's "Othello" where Iago created mistrust. It is basically the same situation here.

As for her saying thanks, I accept the fact that she is thanking me at the time. Perhaps, she is changing. Yet, as the above example has shown, while she seems to be more positive now, it is truly difficult to trust her change, if it is going to be permanent or not.

If, in fact, she truly has learned her lesson and if she has seen the hurt and the hardship she has caused not only with my D47 and with others, then, she will not only make positive changes. She will also continuously show these characteristics. She will just as importantly recognized her mistakes and apologize, which I truly do not think she will do, because she conveniently forgets.